and-i-make-myself-unhappy-on-purpose

2

What if the Winter Soldier met Lucas North - both at their lowest, both plagued by inconsistent sets of memories and personalities, both messed up by the Russians, lost and plainly fucked up….

…teaming up to find a new way of living in the world that wants them dead? 

Shuffling around US like a pair of vagabonds, orbiting around wherever Avengers tend to be at, because Bucks can’t stay further than ten miles away from Steve and Lucas just goes with it, because he doesn’t have anything left to live for anyway.

And they both crash at abandoned buildings and use public libraries for internet and decide without words that they will kick asses of small-time crooks they stumble upon, because that’s a good thing to do, right? A better thing to do than what they’ve been doing so far. They are both horrible at being good, but they try their hardest in a driven, psychopathic way that clears the streets, but scares the fuck out of locals.

And Bucks will have flashes of past that go too fast to catch, leaving him with cravings for the food that doesn’t exist anymore. And Lucas will miss good English lager and fucking scones of all things, but he will be scared of trying to acquire them. And they will be both tragically awful at drinking vodka, even though both of them think that they're Russian enough to do it. 

And they will probably make each other worse, because their separate issues put together create a mountain of crap and bad decisions, but they will also make each other a bit better because there will be someone to understand at least… 

Until Steve and his little group of heroes find them and by that point they are a mostly functioning mess that needs a lot of therapy, has an awful moral code and barely salvageable fashion sense (Lucas tried, but Bucks is comfy in a potato-sack so all hope was lost), but is mostly over their psychotic moments… 

3

Weight 230

Mood: unhappy with the way I look but motivated to look better.

This is combination of day one and day two. I had worked a few weeks before for a week and stopped because I felt depressed and unmotivated. Trying to surround myself with what makes me feel like I have purpose. From what I know it’s creativity through humor, writing, and music. It really hard to start and keep going but no know that I really want to look better.

Sometimes I wonder if I put myself in relationships that make me feel awkward on purpose. Or I wonder if that’s just normal, and I just apparently don’t know normal. I swear, sometimes the relationship I’m in feels so awkward, and just not right to me. Other times I feel great, and as happy as can be. But more often than that I feel like it’s not a relationship, or it’s not right. And I just wonder if I’m really so desperate that I try to hide the fact that I feel unhappy some of the time, or if I just don’t know how to handle a relationship. Or maybe it’s the person I’m with. But also…. maybe it’s me. Maybe my definition of love is wrong, maybe all the things I think should go into a relationship are wrong. Maybe I don’t know how to feel love. I don’t even know anymore…. it’s just so strange. I’m confused. Really confused.

in the beginning of highschool

i made a tumblr by recommendation

i really didnt enjoy life much and i didnt see purpose in doing anything for myself cause i was unhappy and alone

by some miracle i met this girl and she made me feel whole and good and like i could do things with a purpose

its the beginning of college and we are no longer together, im unable to move on with my life because i cannot cope with emptiness again

nothing is stable and my jealously and resentment only grow worse by the day

im making another tumblr because maybe ill be happy again 

Jk not goodnight.

So, I pretty much distant myself from people who either
1. Get me into trouble
2. Make me unhappy
3. Bother me
4. Have bad morals/ judgmental
5. Mean
6. Have no passion/ boring

This guy, P, was starting to get me into trouble. Not purposely. Like he wasn’t doing anything crazy. Just by talking to him as a friend got me into trouble in a way.

Apparently it’s impossible to hang out with someone without doing stuff with them. Apparently when people hang out that the only reason they would hang out.

Ugh, we literally just hung out. I have done nothing with this guy at all. Not even kiss. I have screen shots of our messages to prove it and I showed all of them to my friends. Thank god I have them, shit went down at school and they had my back.

I’m usually not the person who quits things because people don’t agree with it, but because of what’s going on right now (prom, graduation) this guy isn’t worth it enough. The situation was not worth having. He won’t even be here for much longer. He moving to New York.


When I broke off out friendship, I told him why and looking back, I was really mean. Maybe a little too mean. He didn’t deserve the way I ended things.

The poor guy. He really did like me. I knew he did. And he really was a good guy, surprisingly. I knew him like nobody else did. One day, when we were hanging out, we were at his kitchen table eating fruit, he asked me “how would you describe me?” I told him ‘I would say you’re a misunderstood evil person.’ He loved it. It was a perfect description of him.

We have a class together. He can’t even look at me in the eyes. Sometimes I’ll look up at him and I’ll catch him staring at me but then he’ll quickly look away. He always looks sad when I catch him.

Today, he brought a note to my 2nd period. I was sitting right next to my teacher. We made eye contact but he quickly looked away at her. I watched him the whole time as he kept his eyes on her. When he walked back to the door he was looking down. She told him to come back because the student wasn’t here. He kept his eyes down at the ground when he walked back at her.

I feel bad for him but at the same time I’m not really because I’m saving my own ass.

I really liked our friendship. It wasn’t like any other I had…

In 4th he texted me.

6th period, he actually came up to me and talked to me. He came to my desk across his, kneeled down, and the look in his eyes made my heart melt. They said I miss you. The way he spoke, was soft. He was so focused on me and what I had to say. He asked me so many questions. When I have him short answers he would ask me to tell him more. He kept a distance yet was close. For a second it seemed like it was just him and I. He asked me about my mom and what I did this weekend, free press and ACL.

Now were texting and he’s pouring his heart out to me. I remember the last time I poured my heart out to somebody I didn’t get the response I wanted but that was my fault for having hope that person would give me a good response.

I loved our friendship. I wish I could rekindle it but I think that’s still too much to ask for right now, which is what he’s doing right now.

He says he misses us arguing and walking in the woods together… Yeah bud. I do too…. Too bad you’re evil.