and-i-make-myself-unhappy-on-purpose

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What if the Winter Soldier met Lucas North - both at their lowest, both plagued by inconsistent sets of memories and personalities, both messed up by the Russians, lost and plainly fucked up….

…teaming up to find a new way of living in the world that wants them dead? 

Shuffling around US like a pair of vagabonds, orbiting around wherever Avengers tend to be at, because Bucks can’t stay further than ten miles away from Steve and Lucas just goes with it, because he doesn’t have anything left to live for anyway.

And they both crash at abandoned buildings and use public libraries for internet and decide without words that they will kick asses of small-time crooks they stumble upon, because that’s a good thing to do, right? A better thing to do than what they’ve been doing so far. They are both horrible at being good, but they try their hardest in a driven, psychopathic way that clears the streets, but scares the fuck out of locals.

And Bucks will have flashes of past that go too fast to catch, leaving him with cravings for the food that doesn’t exist anymore. And Lucas will miss good English lager and fucking scones of all things, but he will be scared of trying to acquire them. And they will be both tragically awful at drinking vodka, even though both of them think that they're Russian enough to do it. 

And they will probably make each other worse, because their separate issues put together create a mountain of crap and bad decisions, but they will also make each other a bit better because there will be someone to understand at least… 

Until Steve and his little group of heroes find them and by that point they are a mostly functioning mess that needs a lot of therapy, has an awful moral code and barely salvageable fashion sense (Lucas tried, but Bucks is comfy in a potato-sack so all hope was lost), but is mostly over their psychotic moments… 

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There is a compromise made if you work on a commercial film and the compromise really isn’t how or what you do, the techniques you use, or even the content, but really the compromise is beginning to feel a lack of confidence in your innermost thoughts. And if you don’t put those innermost thoughts on the screen then you are looking down on not only your audience but the people you work with. And that’s what makes so many people working out there unhappy. They say: “Well, I’ll make a lot of money and then I’ll come back and do this later on.” The truth of the matter is, of course, that they never do. These innermost thoughts become less and less a part of you, and once you lose them you don’t have anything else. I don’t think anyone does it purposely. It’s just that a lot of people are not aware of losing those things. I found myself losing them too, and then suddenly I woke up by accident, by sheer accident of not getting along with something, with something inside.

John Cassavetes

There is a compromise made if you work on a commercial film and the compromise really isn’t how or what you do, the techniques you use, or even the content, but really the compromise is beginning to feel a lack of confidence in your innermost thoughts. And if you don’t put those innermost thoughts on the screen then you are looking down on not only your audience but the people you work with. And that’s what makes so many people working out there unhappy. They say: “Well, I’ll make a lot of money and then I’ll come back and do this later on.” The truth of the matter is, of course, that they never do. These innermost thoughts become less and less a part of you, and once you lose them you don’t have anything else. I don’t think anyone does it purposely. It’s just that a lot of people are not aware of losing those things. I found myself losing them too, and then suddenly I woke up by accident, by sheer accident of not getting along with something, with something inside.

John Cassavetes