• <p><b><p></b> <b><p></b> <b><p></b> <b><b></b> me:</b> <I>*sees a post that makes me question myself, who I am, and how I act*</I><p/><b><b></b> me:</b> ah yes, it is introspection® time.<p/></p><p/></p><p/></p><p/></p>

Since I gave up on dating because honestly I am lazy and just not very good at socializing I made this my dating profile summary:

I have been out there for a while trying be someone I am not so I am going to be the first honest person on this dating website. I am awesome.  I really am.  There is literally no one greater than me you will ever know not even the second coming of Jesus from his alienship will be as great as meeting me in person.  I am 30 year old man still living in his grandma’s basement. I spend nearly all of my time writing star trek fan fiction and defending America from communism in various facebook political groups.  In between battling teenage socialists on the internet and lording over my superior skills of reason I satisfy my various lovers so much so they never call me again for fear of my awesome man powers of love making.

I am not going to brag or anything but I can last pretty long at making love.  I am not saying I will be any good but it will be more than five minutes if you are into that sort of thing.  

Now to be serious for a minute I have a large collection vintage Wrestling toys, Pokemon cards, classic video games, and My Little Pony plushies. I do not own an illegal amount but Bernie Sanders would probably redistribute my vast wealth if ever know the treasures I possess.

I am a true gentlemen I will you finest food so long as you order of the value menu and order nothing over seven dollars.  A penny saved is a penny earned.

I refuse to acknowledge the Dutch as a legitimate culture.  They are just Germans pretending to be French.  The best movie ever made is Krull and I will fight you to the death on this.

I refuse to shower naked. Let’s get that out of the way.  

You must always refer to me as Captain because that was my rank on Star Wars Galaxies before the servers were shut down.  I earned that rank and not even Obama can strip me of it.

I was a deathmatch wrestler for several years known as Big E Rection.  I was forced into retirement because I was afraid of my own blood.  

Big Foot and Aliens are real. Do not let the feds lie to you.  I am looking for a good woman to make babies with that will eventually make Star Trek a reality.

Please be clean and free of Reptilian DNA.

No touching of my fedora without permission.

Kinks include: Yiffing, cheese doodling, and “hot pockets.”

All I desire is a world of anime, endless memes, and chicken tenders.

marshtomphappy asked:

21, 35, and 48 owo/

21:Do you think people who have dated can stay friends?

Yes of course. If they cared enough to be together in the first place with a healthy relationship, they have the power to treat each other civilly with mutual respect and be good friends for a life time. I know some adults who are like that or divorced but still good friendly people to each other.

35:Could you be in a relationship without sex?

I admit that I am a very sexual person privately. I do like a lot of what that sort of thing entails >w>. But I know its definitely not important for any long term relationship as its the domestic love and living together what matters. I can find my own outlets or other activities to satisfy myself. Loving an asexual is something that I think I can do. As long as cuddles remain I’m good!

48:What’s your favorite love song?

I love most if not all of Owl City’s love songs. I also love an old love song from the NiGHTS games “Dreams Dreams”  Its perfect for a duet!

I am going 10 over, still tailgating me? Here, let me show you something..

I am driving to work a few months ago and getting close, I have two turns remaining until I turn into the building. It is just a few blocks away. All side streets, no highways involved. This guy behind me is in a black bmw, and he is on my a** the whole time. I see him checking his phone, then making angry faces at me and getting closer and closer. I speed up a bit, thinking it might calm him down. 5 over, nope. Anyway, I make the first turn, and am now on the street where my building is, maybe 600 yards up ahead. The a**hole is still behind me, driving inches from behind me and obviously pissed that I am still going the speed limit, (maybe 35 on this street). So I speed up a bit and see he does the same.

I drive an eight year old Toyota truck, not one of the big huge ones, but not one of the small ones. I do have all terrain tires, and I have certainly driven through pastures, over rocks, popped a curb or 10 in my time. My suspension is in good shape and have no problem treating my decade old truck like a truck.

Well as I get closer to my building there is a large speed bump in the street, effectively to get people to slow down as they approach the parking garage entrances. I look back and see a**hole still riding my bumper. I remember thinking to myself I need to slow down for this speed bump, and looking back and thinking, if I hit my brakes, this guy is going to hit me.. The plan takes shape in my mind and I speed up..

I am doing about 45 when I hit that speed bump, and yeehaw.. I did a bit of a jump and land, never once touching my brakes. Didn’t even tap them. I gave him zero warning for what was about to happen.

I am watching my rear-view window intensely during this because I wanted to see his reaction. He was cradling his cell phone between his ear and shoulder when he hit. His hood bucked up behind me, then slams to the ground. I see him go flying out of his seat straight up. He slams his head on the roof of his bmw and his head rolls sideways from impact. Then he slams back into his seat violently. He has a total “wtf was that” look on his face as he grabs the wheel with both hands to recover.

… and yes, he slowed right the f*ck down after that.

Petty Revenge: Internet`s best petty revenge stories are here. | credit

Hello all!!! I am excited to finally promote my Patreon!! I’ll still post art on this blog of course, but by subscribing you could get exclusive content, private livestreams, and monthly custom doodles! With Patreon I’m hoping to be able to release art more frequently and satisfy supporters’ requests. I couldn’t have made it this far without everyone’s support and cannot thank you enough! Hope you check it out, and have a lovely day!! :)

Fraternizing with the Enemy

Pottermore sorted me in Slytherin and I am very satisfied. An early Birthday gift (My birthday’s on the 31st!) 

Also I will be writing twice a week (depends on my schedule, but I’ll make sure to post weekly) and requests may take a while because it depends on when you submitted one. First come, First serve. 

Anyways! Hope you enjoy 😁

Request: Could you do a one shot where you’re best friends with the golden trio and have a crush on Draco even though he’s still a brat. Eventually you and Draco have a secret relationship and Harry, Ron and Hermione catch you kissing and aren’t happy about it?! ^.^

“Has anyone asked you to the ball yet?” Hermione asked, clutching her books to her chest as you walked to Potions class together.

“Not yet” You answered, truthfully. To be honest, you haven’t really thought of the ball until now. It hadn’t really struck as a big deal until every girl in Hogwarts started fussing over dresses and corsages–that includes Hermione. Although no one’s asked her yet but you’re sure Viktor Krum has a thing for your best friend.   

“I don’t understand” Hermione exclaimed once you reach Potions. You had potions with the Slytherins as usual. Gryffindors and Slyhterins are always together during class. A very chaotic mix if you ask me. “You’re one of the most beautiful girls in Hogwarts! You have to have at least 15 admirers by now” 

“I think I might have lost those admirers once those Beuxbatons girls walked in the Great Hall” You pointed out, jokingly as both you took a seat next to each other. Hermione rolled her eyes, opening her potions book to reread the new lesson. It makes you wonder if she does anything other than reading. But then again, it’s Hermione we’re talking about here!

“Apparently, boys like their non-existent bums” Hermione gaped at you before bursting into fits of laughter. You joining in the mix of giggles but you were stopped by the well known Slytherin Prince himself, who was sitting behind you. 

“Having a little girl talk about the ball, are we?” Draco sneered. His arms leaned forward towards you “I’m not surprised no one’s asked you, Mudblood. I would feel bad for you if you weren’t so filthy that it wouldn’t matter” 

You and Hermione turned to face him. Hermione’s face creating a look of disgust. You on the other hand, were lost in his eyes. They were beautiful to look at. The way the blue orbs would stare into yours and you could make out a tint of grey in the vast blue colour. And his lips….oh how you wanted to kiss them. 

Let’s just say that you may or may not have a bit of a crush on Draco Malfoy. 

It was strange that he or any of his friends ever made fun of you. You were Pureblood but they would usually call Pureblooded Gryffindors “Blood Traitors”. 

It took you a few seconds to realize that Draco was staring back at you. It made you blink a couple times, making sure you weren’t hallucinating. Your eyes locked again, as if they were positively and negatively charged magnets that couldn’t be torn apart. 

But Hermione was confused about the situation and decided to cut the tension between you and the blonde slytherin. 

“I would feel bad for the girl your going to the ball with” She fired back “Who would want to go with someone of such low class that they would snoop into other people’s conversations like you, Malfoy”  With this, Draco huffed and leaned back on his seat. Hermione smiled triumphantly as you both turned back around once Professor Snape entered.

Potions was your last class and you were satisfied with today. but you hadn’t noticed that Draco slipped a note for you in your pocket just before you left the dungeons. After you and Hermione left your belongings back in the Gryffindor common room, both of you head out in search for Harry and Ron. You felt something move around in your pocket a bit. Thinking it was nothing, you simply ignored it. Once you found the two boys, you all head to the Great Hall for dinner. You were quite happy at the thought of eating the delicious dishes that will be given out to you. 

But not long after, the note in your pocket started thrashing around. It’s rapid movements making you feel very uncomfortable. What was going on? It was strange having to feel the robe as if it was being pulled. ‘Must be magic’ You thought. Groaning, you stopped dead on your tracks but the robe didn’t cease its thrashing. 

“What the bloody hell is wrong with your robe” Ron asked, his face scrunched up in confusion. You made a couple attempts to make it stop. Such as hitting it but every time you did, it would send a light sting onto your hand. You sighed in defeat as it stung you again.

 You looked towards your friends and shrugged “I left my wand back in the common room. You can go ahead without me” 

“Are you sure” Harry asked, worriedly. You gave him a reassuring smile before you turned to leave. You past multiple students, each giving you weird looks when they saw the way your robes were acting strangely. You did your best not to make it obvious. You were just reaching a set of stairs when your robe’s actions came to an abrupt stop. You examined the material before cautiously placing your hand inside your pocket and pulling out a piece of crumpled up parchment. 

“Evening, (Y/N)” Someone spoke behind you. Surprised, you whipped around to be faced with the blonde haired boy you were staring at during potions. 

“Malfoy?” Draco’s lip curled into a smirk as he approached you. 

“Have I told you how beautiful you really are?” He spoke, quite charmingly. You lightly shook your head causing him to chuckle a bit “Well, you are. Your beauty reminds me of spring” 

You wondered if this is some prank that was going to be pulled on you. You could imagine Crabbe and Goyle hiding in the corner, laughing their brains off. If they had ones at least. Because no way in the world would Draco Malfoy be saying these words to you. 

“Thank you?…” You said, your statement sounding more of a question. Chuckling still, he took more steps toward you but you couldn’t bring yourself to move from your spot. Now your faces were only an inch apart. You sucked in your breath, feeling the way his breath lightly caressed your top lip. 

He moved his hand up and placed in on your cheek “I wonder what your lips would taste like” Wait…what? 

Without hesitation, Draco lunged himself forward, smashing his lips onto yours. It took you a few seconds before you responded by kissing him back. It felt nice kissing him. He slid his hands down to your lower back, pulling you more towards him as one of your hands placed themselves on his neck while the other on the back of his head. After a while, you both pulled away breathless yet still wrapped around each other.  

“Wow…” He breathed making you blush a bit.

“Bloody Hell!” You and Draco pulled apart as you turn to see Harry, Ron and Hermione staring at you in disbelief. You fiddled with your fingers, embarrassed as they continued to gape. 

“Malfoy, what are you doing here?” Hermione snapped. You could hear the glare in her voice without even looking up.

“None of your business, Mudblood” Draco spat, his usual cocky attitude finally coming back. 

“Obviously he was snogging (Y/N)” Harry spoke up, making you look at him as he glared at Draco. 

“How could you put your mouth on…..that!” Ron told you, his voice filled with disgust. 

“It wasn’t really that bad” You admitted, softly. 

“I can’t believe you right now” Hermione said “I’m going back to the common room to get that image out of my head” You cocked your head to the side as she disappeared through the endless amount of stairs, Harry and Ron following close behind. The was not as bad as you thought. 

“Well that was awkward” You mumbled, looking back at Draco and smiled. 

“So is it a yes?” He questioned.


“The note” He pointed out. 

Your hand reached inside your pocket again and pulled out the piece of parchment. You carefully opened the crumpled up piece as you read what was written on it. 

‘Would you fancy going to the ball with me?’ ~DM

“You’re an idiot” You laughed, causing him to smile a bit “But I would love to go to the ball with you….” Your arms found their ways to entangle themselves into each other’s bodies once more “and your idiocy” 

“Your friends probably hate you now” He pointed out.

You shrugged, giving his lips a light peck. 

“They’ll get over it.” 

Break up with me via email?

I met my now ex-girlfriend about a year ago. We dated for awhile and lived together for the last 7-8 months. I am still not sure as to why she just up and dumped me… and I especially don’t know why she would send me an email about it. It was cliche bullshit, basically “it’s not you it’s me” I am devastated. She’s obviously not a great person, I realize that now.

So, I get a text from her Friday asking when I would be gone so she could come get her stuff. I was working on something for work at home I told her I would text her when I left.

I finished up, ended up leaving. She eventually texted me again.

Her: I’ll just come over tomorrow or Sunday.
Me: I am at (friends).
Her: Oh ok.
Me: I told you 40 minutes ago.
Her: I didn’t get that text I guess.
Me: I emailed you.

Petty Revenge: Internet`s best petty revenge stories are here. | credit


The pictures on the left make me feel very sad when I look at them because I know how bad my life was at that point. I was in a shitty situation, in a shitty relationship, and I couldn’t afford food for the most part so I would buy 3 .99 cent pizzas and eat them all in one sitting. I hated myself an awful lot, and even after taking those pictures (in September-October ish) it still took me till the day after thanksgiving to start eating better (although looking back on it now, I was starving myself) and then till the day after Christmas to start running and actually take care of my body. I am in love with my body now, for taking care of me when i binged, starved, sat around and did nothing for months at a time. It works with me. My relationship with food is 100 times better than it was 3 months ago. I can finally eat until I’m satisfied not till I feel nauseous, and I eat what I want without feeling guilty about it. I run every other day, working towards a half marathon. I’m currently at 6 miles and i am so thankful for my legs for carrying me through it. I just ate too much cookie dough so I’m feeling a bit guilty, so I’m making this to look back and see how far I’ve come, how far I have to go and to quiet the guilty thoughts 💘

I am so mad like what happened to the I Made America cast?? like some of them have IMDb pages or twitter accounts, keith obvs is working at buzzfeed now, but like?? what happened to Logan Dean??? how can i keep tabs on him??? where is he? what he doin? Brian Wohl? where he at?

The adventure is really over…you’re blue now.

Blue aside, I am satisfied with how Papyrus’s face turned out, especially on the bottom image. I was going through some doubts about whether I’d be able to represent him accurately, but still draw him in my own style. It was comforting to realize that every distinct artist kinda draws Papyrus - or any other Undertale character differently. Made me feel free to express them the way I saw them.


Starting zones from GLITCHED. Worked on getting the houses to the right size although they might still be a bit large compared to the characters. Finished up the color palette as well and now I think the houses fit the environment much better. There are a couple small nitpicks I have but overall I am pretty satisfied with the result.

Next on the list is to showcase some different areas and battles but before that the next big post will be on what the game is about and mechanics being worked on. 

See you next post   ★  ★
Happy very belated birthday to our beloved fictional trash kid!

Although I am 1 day late due to stuff *cough*, I am now glad and happy to announce that our web gallery is now up!

The website contains everything that had been submitted up to today (and should anyone else submits on a later date before February the 8th - my predicted pdf compiling completion date - I will put things up there), including a special page for @sinnamonbunbun ‘s Apocalypse shimeji download because bruh it’s a shimeji I can’t exactly put that on the zine but it’s still very lovely (cry)

Thank you for everyone who had participated and submitted their works - this small project wouldn’t have been anywhere near this satisfying if it wasn’t for your hard work even through the hardships that I know some of you had been facing, well done you guys!

This had also been my very first experience of organizing this sorts of event, and it’s been very fun in its own unique kind of way (even in-between graduation schedules and real world work stuff…hahah…), and I certainly have also learned some stuff which I hope will improve my events organizing skills in the future! Again, thank you, all of you!

Please look forward for the printable pdf!

(effin tumblr blowing up my small pretty doodles into pixelated messes on dashboard view *cry*)

yesterday was my birthday so I’m now officially fifteen aka I am officially a living breathing taylor swift song fight me

jemmamaximoff asked:

fitzsimmons + "I told you, Fitz, I am not going to make you a sandwich at three in the morning!"

“I told you, Fitz, I am not going to make you a sandwich at three in the morning!” Jemma rolled over, yanking more of the doona off Fitz, but as she turned around she saw he was still asleep. “Wait, what?” Jemma whispered to herself, confused and concerned that she might be hearing voices.
“Prosciutto and buffalo mozzarella… with a hint of homemade pesto aioli,” Fitz mumbled again rolling on to his back, still asleep.
“Sleep talking, really Fitz?” Jemma grumbled, completely pulling the covers away from Fitz. She heard him groan as he began to wake up, and satisfied she pulled the doona tightly around herself.
“Jemma, you’re hogging the doona again.” Fitz rolled over to look at her trying to pull back his share of the covers.
“Well, if you’re going to wake me up at three, sleep talking about bloody sandwiches, I’m taking the doona!” Jemma pulled the doona even tighter around her face, not giving him an inch. She heard shuffling from his side of the bed and peeked out from her doona burrito to see that he had gotten out of bed and was walking to the door. “Hey Fitz! Where are you going?” Jemma called after him, he waved his hand back at her and grumbled. Jemma turned back over in the hope of falling back asleep. Just as she was dozing off she felt the bed move and turned to see Fitz with all the ingredients for his favourite sandwich. “Fitz, what are you doing?” Jemma rolled her eyes. He was a terrible cook, even making a sandwich was difficult for him, he could never balance the ingredients properly.
“All this sandwich talk made me hungry, so I’m making my own.” Fitz said, gesturing to the ingredients laid out on a cutting board in front of him. Fitz began to slice the bread, a true challenge for him - the knife skewed, making one half of the roll too thin and the other half too thick. How can a man who creates robots and repairs mechanisms with his bare hands be so terrible at cutting bread, was all Jemma could think. Fitz began to lay down the ingredients, smiling with each of Jemma’s huffs whenever he did something differently to how she would. Fitz grabbed the pesto aioli and this was the final straw for Jemma, her homemade pesto aioli had to be spread at just the right thickness or it would overpower the balance of prosciutto and mozzarella.
“Bloody hell Fitz, give me that knife.” Jemma said, emerging from her cocoon and reaching for the ingredients.
“No, no, no, I don’t want to wake you up, go back to sleep.” Fitz pulled the cutting board away from her.
“Fitz. You know you can’t make this sandwich properly.” Fitz looked up at her mocking a hurt look, and she took her chance and grabbed the cutting board, leaping out of the bed to place it back in the kitchen. Fitz’s plan worked and he grabbed the doona and wrapped it tightly around himself.
“Oh, Fitz. Really?” Jemma sighed when she returned. She jumped back on to the mattress, attempting to pull the covers away from him. Fitz popped out his head smiling, proud of his efforts, she smiled back at him leaning forwards for a kiss. She placed her hand on his cheek and kissed him gently, but as Fitz began to pull his hands out of the doona and around her face Jemma yanked the doona away, breaking the kiss. “Goodnight Fitz!” Jemma called from under the doona. Fitz groaned and rolled over to go back to sleep.

I’m so sorry this took me so long to write, I got crazy busy! Also I know it’s more than 5 sentences but whatever.