at fifteen you will be so sweet and see no cruel in this awful world until you meet that boy with the bags under his eyes and that car he stole and you’ve always imagined your first boyfriend to be a good boy with a good family but you ended up falling in love with the boy who misses more classes than anything else, who hates his mother and doesn’t even know his father. at fifteen you were a sweetheart so in love with the world you were so optimistic. you met him at your first party you never had a taste of alcohol before he handed to you more shots of vodka than you could ever count but by the time you could remember anything you were in his car giving him a little bit more than just your first kiss. he wasn’t anything you’ve ever imagined, no one you ever thought would be the death of you. that one time became into an everyday, and i guess the more time you spend with someone you start acting like them. it went from skipping classes, failing tests, hating your mother, drinking drinking and more fucking drinking because he told you it would bandage the scars on your wrist and make you feel better. you would come home smelling like his hoodies that he gave you, thats all you would wear now and it was hard to tell if your breath would smell more like cigarettes or beer and your father warned you about him but all you could say is ‘daddy I’m so in love with him.’ you don’t know what love is until they leave you, they fucking leave you and your left crying on the bathroom floor every single night for what seems like just yesterday he left but your mom reminds you its been 6 months and your still hurt from the boy with the bags under his eyes you fucking swear he gets no sleep at night that how is it possible that he woke up one morning deciding he didn’t want you anymore. his bad habits soon became yours. now you are seventeen and you fall inlove with any single boy just so you have a new excuse to blame on why you want to fucking die when you break up but you and your mom know that you still want to die because of that same boy from that party that made you believe that if you drink enough beer it starts to cover up your scars and makes you fall in love but little did he know he was the one bandaging your scars and you were more in love with him than the alcohol or anyone else for that matter. you loved him more than yourself and now you know better. you only wish that at seventeen someone would have warned you that at fifteen you were going to meet someone that would alter your entire world and change the way you view people and live your life. you never love as strong as you do at fifteen when you’ve never been hurt before and you never fall as fucking fast as you do when your first love crashes his fucking car right into you and you feel like you’ve died ten times over, but no he never fucking hit you with his car fuck he never even hit you with a good bye it was just a ‘ill text you when i get home babe’ and you never got that text, i wish i could say your still making your way back home but that was two years ago and I’m almost 18 breaking other boys bones just to show myself that I’m as strong as you are. I’m starting to become a lot like the person who destroyed me, i lie through my teeth and spit out i love you to any boy just to make them fall in love with me but then i crash right into them and flip their whole world upside down when i leave them in tears but little do they know I’ve been counting down the days before i leave them just the way you probably did. for someone who doesn’t sleep anymore i woke up pretty fucking fast from my liquor filled evenings to just wake up and decide i was done with them the same way you were done with me so fast, my head is still spinning from the alcohol and i don't remember how i fucking became this monster but you become the things you love and god knowns i fucking loved you. I'm hurting others to try and bandage the scars you left me with but i guess i have to learn that unless i heal from you i will always be just like you because you are all I’ve ever known and i can’t stop being like you because its the closest thing ill ever have left of you because you haven’t returned my texts from when i was sixteen kissing any boy pretending it was you.
fifteen through seventeen