and-abused-it

The types as my shitty mental illness coping mechanisms

Istj: social withdrawal
Intj: setting things on fire
Istp: reckless driving
Intp: dissociation
Isfj: constantly crying
Isfp: procrastinating
Infp: enabling people to take advantage of me
Infj: self-sabotage
Estj: denial
Entj: stubbornness
Estp: shoplifting
Entp: drug and alcohol abuse
Esfj: self-blame
Esfp: risky sex
Enfp: binge eating
Enfj: gossiping

The Stark Sisters: Contrasts & Parallels

Sometimes her sleep was leaden and dreamless, and she woke from it more tired than when she had closed her eyes. Yet those were the best times, for when she dreamed, she dreamed of Father…Perhaps I will die too, she told herself, and the thought did not seem so terrible to her. (Sansa VI, AGoT)

Some mornings Arya did not want to wake at all. She would huddle beneath her cloak with her eyes squeezed shut and try to will herself back to sleep. If the Hound would only have left her alone, she would have slept all day and all night. And dreamed. That was the best part, the dreaming. She dreamed of wolves most every night.  (Arya XII, ASoS)

After Ned’s execution Sansa falls into despondency. Sansa cries for days, she doesn’t eat or bathe, she doesn’t leave her room and she even considers killing herself. Her dreams are laden with images of her father’s murder and she prefers her dreamless nights because they give her more peace than her nightmares. Lady is dead, so is Ned. The rest of her family are far away and she’s not sure what’s become of Arya. She’s trapped in a prison of grief and soon enough she’ll realise that the Red Keep is to be her new cage.

This is a contrast to Arya who, although she is also a captive, falls into a different sort of grief after the Red Wedding. She is silent, she feels empty and numb and she doesn’t want to be awake anymore. Her dreams however are filled with wolves. In her dreams she is big, strong, fast and she answers to no one. She has a big pack; a family who would never abandon her and those are really the only moments in which she doesn’t feel alone. Her wolf dreams are a source of strength and a constant reaffirmation of her identity. It doesn’t completely alleviate her emptiness but for a girl in who a big part of her story is survival in the wild, her loyal wolf pack represents that fierce and survivalist energy that she has to adapt to in order to survive.

Joffrey was dead, he was dead, he was dead, dead, dead. Why was she crying, when she wanted to dance? Were they tears of joy? … Robb had died at a wedding feast as well. It was Robb she wept for. (Sansa V, ASoS)

Arya edged farther into the room. Joffrey’s dead. She could almost see him, with his blond curls and his mean smile and his fat soft lips. Joffrey’s dead! She knew it ought to make her happy, but somehow she still felt empty inside. Joffrey was dead, but if Robb was dead too, what did it matter? (Arya VIII, ASoS)

Conflicting feelings arise for both girls at the death of Joffery. Sansa watched him call for her father’s death after he promised her mercy and she was the main recipient of his torment and so she loathes him but she still weeps at his death. She cries because it was a horrible image, Joffery clawing at his throat and tearing at his own skin. She cries too because it also brings up memories of Robb who was also killed at a wedding. 

Conversely, Arya still hates Joffery for Ned’s death and she still remembers the part he played in the death of Mycah and Lady. She too thinks she should be happy that he’s dead but in the end it rings hollow because her brother died too. 

Both girls still had some naive faith that Robb would storm King’s Landing, kill the monster and that they would finally be safe and be able to go home. None of this came to be and instead Catelyn and Robb ended up in their graves killing any hope either girl had in ever being safe again. They can’t celebrate Joffery’s death because it doesn’t undo every loss and hurt he’s caused them and neither girl is able to reconcile the idea of rejoicing in the death of an enemy when Robb, Catelyn, Ned and Bran and Rickon (or so they believe) lay dead.

Swinging the doll by the legs, he knocked the top off one gatehouse tower and then the other. It was more than Sansa could stand. “Robert, stop that.” Instead he swung the doll again, and a foot of wall exploded. She grabbed for his hand but she caught the doll instead. There was a loud ripping sound as the thin cloth tore. Suddenly she had the doll’s head, Robert had the legs and body, and the rag-and-sawdust stuffing was spilling in the snow. (Sansa VII, ASoS)

And there was one girl who took to following her, the village elder’s daughter. She was of an age with Arya, but just a child; she cried if she skinned a knee, and carried a stupid cloth doll with her everywhere she went. The doll was made up to look like a man-at-arms, sort of, so the girl called him Ser Soldier and bragged how he kept her safe. “Go away,” Arya told her half a hundred times. “Just leave me be.” She wouldn’t, though, so finally Arya took the doll away from her, ripped it open, and pulled the rag stuffing out of its belly with a finger. “Now he really looks like a soldier!” she said, before she threw the doll in a brook. (Arya XII, ASoS)

This was particularly interesting to me because children taking out their traumas on toys is actually pretty common. Sansa who has seen her father beheaded, accidentally ripping off the head of a doll and Arya who has witnessed all the horrors of wars reenacting a soldier being disemboweled on a doll. I think it’s important to note that while they could have taken their rage out on the children themselves they hurt dolls instead, inanimate objects. 

They are children, Sansa thought. They are silly little girls, even Elinor. They’ve never seen a battle, they’ve never seen a man die, they know nothing. Their dreams were full of songs and stories, the way hers had been before Joffrey cut her father’s head off. Sansa pitied them. Sansa envied them. (Sansa II, ASoS)

A whooping gang of small children went running past, chasing a rolling hoop. Arya stared at them with resentment, remembering the times she’d played at hoops with Bran and Jon and their baby brother Rickon. (Arya V, AGoT)

For Sansa, constantly subjected to torment and abuse and for Arya, starving and scared on the streets of Flea Bottom after fleeing from the Red Keep, they are reminded of the children they used to be and of the childhood they so desperately wish they could regain. From two children who have had their childhoods ripped away from them, and quite cruelly too I might add, we see some natural resentment towards children who are allowed to be just that, children.

Ser Arys offered his arm and she let him lead her from her chamber. If she must have one of the Kingsguard dogging her steps, Sansa preferred that it be him. … Arys Oakheart was courteous, and would talk to her cordially. Once he even objected when Joffrey commanded him to hit her. He did hit her in the end, but not hard as Ser Meryn or Ser Boros might have, and at least he had argued. (Sansa I, ACoK)

She bit her lip. “I—”

He slapped her.

The blow left her cheek stinging, but she knew that she had earned it. “Thank you.” Enough slaps, and she might stop chewing on her lip. (The Ugly Little Girl, ADWD)

They both internalise their abuse in different ways and either way it is very sad. With Sansa believing that Arys is not so bad because he doesn’t hit her as hard as the others. (He is. He could have refused.) And Arya deciding that she deserves to be hit (She doesn’t) in order to learn a lesson. Both reactions are very common in abuse survivors and I don’t think it can be stated enough that both girls have suffered tremendous abuse and trauma and there are actually some similarities in how they deal with the things they’ve faced. 

These aren’t all their parallels by a long shot but these are the ones that I don’t see a lot of discussion about. 

Arya and Sansa have a complicated relationship and a past full of bullying, resentments and disappointments. When they reunite there is going to be friction, GRRM himself said that they have issues they need to work out and while we can all be certain it won’t be the poorly written disaster that it is in the show, it certainly won’t be easy. But Sansa is still part of Arya’s pack and whatever they have to work through they need each other to succeed or as good ol’ Ned once said:

Sansa is your sister. You may be as different as the sun and the moon, but the same blood flows through both your hearts. You need her, as she needs you … and I need both of you, gods help me. (Arya II, AGoT)

CONFESSION:

Im so sorry this will be long. I’m lonely. I’m bi, but I can’t be in my day to day life because I will lose my kids and my husband’s parents aren’t accepting of any “deviation” and openly support conversion therapy. So I write, and write gay/bi stories then get thrashed because it isn’t my story. I have to present straight to be safe and then I’m not safe being myself no matter where I turn. I escape with Bioware games. It’s the only means of security blanket I have. They all accept me even if they disagree with some of my viewpoints but they don’t try to fundamentally change me.

I can still be attracted to women while dating Cullen and he doesn’t send me to be brainwashed. Iron Bull is gentle in supporting my BDSM kink without thinking I’m a rubbish human. Sometimes coming home and playing Dragon Age or Mass Effect is the only way I can get up and remain personable on the outside. I just hope one day that fandom can realize that for people like me all the characters matter. Some days those fake friendships are the only thing keeping that tiny thread of sanity from snapping.

“Why are you so angry?”
“I think she’s just an angry person.”
“God she has so much anger in her!”
“She doesn’t know how to control herself.”
“Angry girl! She’s so angry! She’s got no reasON TO BE SO ANGRY! ANGRY ANGRY
ANGRY
ANGRY
ANGRY!!!!”

Come see the angry girl!
No one knows what sets her off,
don’t forget your peanuts!
Throwing them into her cage makes her SCREAM;

Come see the girl with
fire in her eyes!
It’s anger, she’s so angry,
we don’t know why she’s like this.

Come see the girl who cries
with fire blazing in her eyes;
she spits out blood when she gets pissed off
and you’ll never see it coming!

Our new main event! We found her
passed out on the sidewalk,
bloody palms pressed to her eyelids—
she / must / have / been / set / off / by / something / tiny—
go ahead, just try it! Call her names and
watch the fire fall to the charred ground,
her cheeks stained scar from the flame;
she’s a burn victim from that red hot rage.

Come see our angry girl!
Angry since she was small,
her mom and dad sat back and watched as she
screamed bloody murder shaking hard
on the shiny hardwood floor!

Come see the
angry girl spit out lava
when she’s filled with rage;
this girl is a straight up volcano. The lava pours out like vomit from deep inside,
it festers—and the red in the flame is her own thick blood.

Come see
our volcanic / hot / rage / filled / baby / faced / pain / engulfed
a / n / g / r / y / g / i / r / l.

ANGRY GIRL, (han hyland)

Jessica Jones provides an excellent allegorical lesson on the ethics of violence and how structures of power can twist how violence appears to those outside of that structure. 

From the outside, Jessica Jones surely appears as if she is cold, uncaring, violent, and willing to murder. Looking at “just the facts” selected by power structures, she could certainly be portrayed to be in the wrong– after all, she snapped a man’s neck, and even she admits that he never physically hit her during their relationship. 

But within the context of the power structure at play, you can see how overwhelmingly pacifist and compassionate she was throughout the situation. She was harmed unforgivably, repeatedly, and watched countless people die around her, have their lives ruined, get hurt due to his words and commands. Even then, she tried to find nonviolent ways to protect people and mitigate the harm. She was willing to put herself in harms way over and over to defend people, even when she was already traumatized. He was threatening to kill her. He was ready to hurt someone she loved. 

So she killed him. As a last resort. It was not cruel, it was courageous. 

And that’s the situation that antifa are working within. You cannot judge the ethics of someone’s actions without looking at the context of the power structure at play. You must take into account the countless deaths from fascist words and commands, how they have killed and hurt and ruined lives. You must keep in mind that activists are putting their lives on the line to defend people and mitigate the situation as best they can over and over. No one wants to be forced into violence to defend their loved ones. It’s traumatic and hard. 

So judging an antifascist for using physical violence against a fascist who didn’t physically punch them first– those stories aren’t seeing the full picture. It’s not cruel, it’s courageous. 

3

Vladislaus: I promise you, I guarantee you, once I find those little mongrels I will kill them in the worst, most foul way one could possibly imagine. (smack) And I’ll do it all right in front of you. I’ll make you watch, horrified. You could have made this easier. You’ll only have yourself to blame. (smack, crying)

Karrie: Stop! I don’t know where they are, please!!

something that is blindingly obvious is that if your culture has the equivalent of an unblockable Avada Kedavra curse, whether that’s labelling someone as a Nazi, or a druggie, or a pedophile, or whatever it is, then it’s going to get used as a weapon immediately and continuously, because people just can’t resist.

if there’s an accusation against which there is no defense, then why wouldn’t people use it against anyone they hate?

i know someone is an adult when they’re 18/19/20 but the pressure some people put on their kids to get a job even when they’re actively searching for one should be considered abusive??? 

like parents who constantly put their kids down for not being able to find work and call them lazy even when they go to interviews and hand out their cv/resumes, etc? 

also threatening to withdraw support when you know a young adult is financially dependent on you to control them comes off as abusive? like if it was a romantic relationship it would be abusive.

“People these days see abuse everywhere :(”


You’re absolutely right. People have more access to resources and knowledge of what constitutes abuse so they are able to see past justifications that have worked before. People are finally able to begin to challenge and put words into what has been normalized for years and years.


Children are being empowered to recognize demeaning comments and sexual comments/advances from their parents as not being okay. Children are being empowered to know that physical violence to encourage obedience is not a healthy behavior. Children are being empowered to know that their feelings are not “bad” or “good”, but are their bodies and minds trying to communicate with each other to keep them safe and help them learn their boundaries and needs.


Some adults never got the opportunity to know there was another way to live. Be glad that your children are being educated or have the opportunity to be educated on better ways to live. Be glad that your children are learning to be better parents for your future grandchildren. Be glad that you have the opportunity to research and improve.

Yes, you were naive.
 
You were the younger one
the weaker one
the one who was madly in love with me
like a child chasing after their crush.
 
I think that is why I have struggled to validate
each thing you did to me
because it is always the younger one
and the lovestruck one
who is seen as the victim.
 
I am no victim but it has taken me time
to heal from you pulling me away from anyone else I dared to say
“I love you”
begging I would not love them more
to talk to you instead of them with venomous blame
if I ever gave them more attention
until you shoved guilt so far down my throat that I practiced my speeches
after talking to another friend
or sharing any moment of joy with anyone
but you.
 
It has taken me time to heal from you constantly snipping
“how could you get upset over that silly thing”
and screaming when I was unable to speak
after words that felt like an explosion
as if you expected me to never feel each insult
each snide remark
each passive aggressive statement that tore open insecurities
you knew damn well I had
and pummeling even harder when I showed the pain
you had caused.
 
It has taken me time to heal from you remarking
so casually I could have mistaken your words for hello
“I wish you were not so happy”
looking at me after with a sad look that told me
I was to blame
and planted the dirty wish beneath my thoughts
that I should shed my happiness if just to make
you happy.
 
I know you cling in hatred of a girl
who could not offer you what you wanted
after you tore her to pieces
but I only cling to the prayer that you will learn from how you treated me
and save others from each moment
I endured.
 
Yes, you were naive.
 
But I pray that you have not forgotten what I cried
when I begged you to finally leave
and take your cruelty with you.
 
I pray you have not forgotten for if you continue to wallow
in only the hatred of the girl you tore apart
singing of your own naivety
you will tear apart another just like me
and I fear they may not have the strength to leave you
on the nights when you cry
that they are the villain if they cannot
fix you.
—  Miriam K, it has taken me time to heal, but heal I have, and I fear you have neither healed nor learned
Dealing with family after No Contact

I wanted to put this out there because, it is a lesson I have learnt the hard way. 

When you go NC with a parent, you may find yourself with a barrage of “concerned” family members wanting to fix this issue for the sake of all involved.. or simply wanting to fix this issue for the sake of relieving the pressure the abusive narcissist is now putting on them. 

As discussed in previous posts, Your abusive narcissist has done a lot of work to undermine you with the family in order to hide their abuse and justify their bad relationship with you. Other family members may have already learned not to take you seriously, to ignore the abuse and may even be abusing you themselves having learned it makes them feel better about their own lives. 

Your abusive parent is also using this to get supply. They are enjoying the pity, enjoying the attention, and will milk it for all it is worth which will cause endless problems within the wider family. 

They may be lashing out and hurting others.. or that is how the wider family will choose to view it. They will be putting the blame on your shoulders for that because the abusive narcissist has been horribly hurt by you. Of course, we know that is not the case. 

Remember that you are under no obligation to discuss this with anyone. 

This can however, be extremely difficult. When these people contact you it can feel like an attack on your fundamental self. The self who is desperately trying to move on and heal from a lifetime of abuse. The urge to defend yourself can often become too much. 

Do not tell stories. 

It is very easy to try and give examples. Many stories may come to mind of specific times the abusive narcissist let you down. You know how much that hurt you but, the people who come to erode your defenses will not see it that way. They will not take these stories as small pieces of a much larger puzzle, they will pick these events apart. You may be told how your abuser was feeling, or how you misunderstood, or how you are exaggerating the issue even though they were not there. You may even find that, these “Flying Monkeys” will come back to you after hearing your abusers side of that same story and try to tell you the truth. Abusive narcissists are fantastic liars and you just won’t win. 

Stick to the basics. 

How do you feel?

Unloved?
Unwanted?
Unsupported?
Hurt? 
Used? 
Lied to?
Manipulated?

Use descriptive words. Keep it general. Explain how you feel and how hard you have tried to improve the relationship. Explain how the abusive parent has dismissed you and your feelings and how much that hurt you. Explain how your life has improved since you walked away and how you need it to stay that way.

You can tell them what you need to move forward.

You can say that you need your abusive parent to take responsibility for all the times they have hurt you, apologise and make an effort to change.. but, and this is a big BUT, they have to acknowledge what it is they were doing that was wrong. This will never happen. Not in plain terms without a fauxpology and effort at gaslighting and an attempt to turn it around on you. 

You can set boundaries with this person and say that you simply do not feel comfortable discussing this further and you hope it will not affect your relationship. 

If the language they use is in any way abusive, you can remove yourself from the conversation and implement NC with them.

Remember how strong you are. 

Remember the truth. 

Trust your instincts. 

<3

anonymous asked:

when Rin and Yukio are in there 20's and they are able to drink,Rin doesn't like to drink but Yukio often does and when he gets drunk he lashes out and gets aggressive with Rin but Rin doesn't tell anyone because he doesn't think it's a big deal and doesn't want Yukio to get in trouble.Yukio doesn't remember anything that happens while he is drunk but one time when he was really drunk Rin was "annoying" him and he hit Rin with the broken glass bottle.Pls Headcannon the exwires reaction

Hi anon, are you okay? I’m not sure what prompted this ask, and I know from personal experience with a family member like this that it’s very tough to talk about. I usually don’t answer abuse related asks, but for the sake of venting and a possible coping mechanism for anyone else going through this.

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