We Don't Get to Choose
Summary: Reader has feelings for Carl and feels like he doesn’t love her back.
Word count: 1,253
I needed someone to kiss me like in the movies I used to watch. I needed someone to tell me how much they needed me when I felt unappreciated. I needed them to love me unconditionally, even when I didn’t love myself. I needed someone to touch me the way you used to read about in novels. The thing is, I felt like I needed someone to do these things for me to be okay but they were just wants.
And I didn’t realize this until after I got what I wanted, which made it so much better. And it wasn’t like I was desperate enough to just let anyone who came by be this person that I wanted. I had my sights set on one person in particular but they were too stupid to realize how I felt. But that’s the thing about love; you don’t get to choose.
You just have to deal with the fact that the person you want to be with for the rest of the time you have left will probably never feel the same way about you. And they’ll never understand why you act the way you do around them because they’re too ignorant to realize what you feel for them. You have to go on believing that that one, single person, will forever hold your feelings because you can’t forget about them when they’re there every single day. That one person, has all the power over you and you can’t do anything to fix it.
“Hey,” he smiled that dashing smile I lived to see every day. He sat down next to me on the steps, his beautiful smile still shining on his face. I couldn’t help but smile back as he sat next to me.
“Hey,” I replied, trying my hardest not to grin so big at just how dumb in love I was for him. My happiness quickly faded when I thought about how he’d probably never feel that way about me.
“Let’s take a walk, y/n,” He stated, standing up from the step he sat on and reaching out for my hand. A small look of delight tugged at the corners of my mouth. I gladly slid my hand onto his and helped me up. It surprised me when he didn’t let go after I was standing in front of him. What surprised me more when he didn’t move, almost closing the space between us entirely. His blue eyes stared into mine for a few seconds before his mouth opened slightly as if he were about to say something but changed his mind.
Afraid of the many ways this could go wrong, I politely smiled and removed my hand from his, walking around him to widen the distance between us. A slightly confused, slightly awkward expression appeared on his features before he sighed and told me to follow him.
We began walking, me following behind him grinning at the feeling of his touch. I could still feel the warmth from his fingers on my hand even though he’d let go minutes ago. As I was thinking about the small moment we shared a rain drop fell on my cheek and slowly ran down my face. It was only drizzling so we kept on with our walk and eventually I walked beside him. We walked in silence listening to the rain for another half hour before he spoke up.
“I…I’m sorry. About earlier,” he said with an awkward smile as he rubbed the back of his neck. My head turned away from him quickly, realizing he didn’t mean what happened before. I realized he didn’t feel what I thought and hoped he would after so long.
“Don’t apologize,” I stated blankly. I could see him look at me out of the corner of my eye. I wished I could know what he was thinking, or at least what he thought about me. It was so heartbreaking not knowing if he thought we were better as friends or if he saw a different future for us. I couldn’t handle it anymore. The pain of not knowing was becoming unbearable and I needed to hear the words come from his lips, so I knew it was real.
“How do you feel about me?,” I blurted, still not able to look at him.
“What do you mean?,” be questioned, a playful tone evident in his voice.
“I mean, do you…am I just a friend to you..or am I more?,” I forced out, balling my hand in a fist to keep myself calm. I knew I’d break down if he said what I thought he would. It would break me hearing him actually say the words.
He gave a long sigh before he answered which only made me squeeze my fist even tighter. I could tell my knuckles were white from how hard I was clenching my fingers.
“Y/n, I…I don’t…,” he trailed off.
“It’s okay I know you don’t feel the same way about me,” I chocked out before I began to walk away, to cry my pain away.
“Y/n, wait!,” he called after me. I stopped in my tracks but didn’t turn around as looking at him would definitely signal the sea of tears I was holding back. I heard him walk towards me until I could feel his breath on the back of my neck.
“Look, I’ve been in love with you since I met you and…I didn’t know if you f-,” I cut him off.
“If I felt the same?,” I inquired, now turning around to look at him. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. How could he not know? Why was he so god damn blind to how much I loved him? And why did it take him until now to tell me?
“How was I supposed to know?,” he asked, shocked that he hadn’t realized before now. I sighed and threw my hands up in frustration. “Why me? Out of all the other guys why’d you choose me?,” he added.
“Don’t you get it? We don’t get to choose who we fall in love with! I can’t help the way I feel about you,” I exclaimed, ready to explode from all the feelings I was having at once. I don’t know if I was more shocked that he loved me back or the fact that he didn’t understand after all this time.
“If I’d known I’d have said something a long time ago,” he chuckled.
“God you’re stupid,” I breathed as I rushed to him and crashed my lips onto his. I wrapped my arms around his neck and he brought his hands to my waist. He began to kiss back, hard, pushing his face into mine. But I didn’t care. I’d been waiting for this for so long. He began to grip my hips harder, pulling me even closer to him, if that was even possible. We kissed like this for I don’t remember how much longer but it was like heaven. It was as if this weight was lifted from my chest, the weight I had been lifted since I could remember. I was finally free of the pain of holding my true feelings inside.
Finally, we pulled away from each other, both smiling, as we stood there in the rain, not caring about anything else but how lucky we were to share that moment.
“I’ve been waiting for the moment I finally got to kiss you,” he breathed out, leaning his forehead against mine.