and yet he's always there when john does

10 things that absolutely happened in Baker Street after Series 4 ended...

So, like most of us in the Sherlock fandom, I have had a great variety of thoughts about the events of Series 4. For instance, I have thought about the many details from Canon they included (“The Six Thatchers” story line was a really cool update in my opinion), and the details they chose to omit for some godforsaken reason (that sweet moment from “The Three Garridebs”), and why.

But, if I’m honest, I have thought a lot more about the lives of our heroes following the ending (if S4E3 is indeed an ending). And about how that ending was, honestly, as true to Canon as it could be (Sherlock and John together solving crimes at 221 B for the rest their lives), and offered us even more than we hoped (John has a daughter and Sherlock is involved in taking care of her in some way).

So, in my mind, the following are 10 things that absolutely happen after Series 4. 10 things any sane Sherlockian will be on board with. These aren’t in any particular order.

1. Sherlock and John never again have another major falling out, like the one after S4E1. They are each other’s family. That is that. And they both deeply understand it now. 

2. John apologizes sincerely and extensively for taking out his grief and rage on Sherlock and beating him up. Sherlock explains that he doesn’t think John needs to apologize; John convinces him otherwise. Sherlock forgives John, because of course John is always John and thus he is always forgiven. They go downstairs and continue their game of Monopoly with Mrs Hudson (game which, of course, Sherlock doesn’t understand the rules of, either). That is the night that John moves back in to Baker Street, with Rosie.

3. They spend a whole week redoing the flat, again: they baby-proof, clean, demolish and painstakingly make over the large upstairs bath into Rosie’s room. When I say ‘they’ I mean John and a mate down at Speedy’s who also works in construction. Sherlock has none of it and opts to leave Rosie with Mrs Hudson in favour of solving five cold cases before returning five days later. 

4. Sherlock and Rosie become, eventually, father and daughter. Sherlock, of course, never thought about this happening - ever. But, sure enough, he finds himself offering to babysit while John’s at work more and more, to the point where Molly and Mrs Hudson almost never have to anymore, unless Sherlock’s on a case (read: Sherlock and John are on a case). Many, many times, he sings silly songs, and spins her around and bounces her on his knee and crashes with her on the couch because he’s been awake on a case for 72 hours and he didn’t realize it. When she is 3, he teaches Rosie to play a tiny 1/8 size violin, which he then replaces on her birthdays as she grows. When she is 4, he starts giving her lectures on science and teaches her while she looks through his microscope. He has also taken to reading to her nonfiction appropriate for children her age, as fiction is handled best by John at bedtime. The way she looks at him when he reads is so utterly John, he is almost as bewitched as she is. So he doesn’t have the heart to mock the way the authors sometimes trivialize the scientific/historical concepts. He just corrects them as politely as he can (just barely steering clear of insults) and reads. When she is 6, after she asks about her mum (for the nth time), he is finally honest, because he knows John couldn’t have been. Yet it is also him who plays the violin to soothe her to sleep after she is done crying in his arms. When she is 8, John asks Sherlock to please finally assume Rosie’s legal guardianship, only to find out Sherlock says no. Sherlock asks John if he can instead adopt her. John agrees and Sherlock does (in record time, because Mycroft gets involved). Rosie already calls Sherlock “pa” anyway.

5. John, eventually, dates sparingly - and then not at all. Whether he likes it or not (he finds that he does) he is already in a long-term relationship, even if it isn’t (yet)/won’t ever be romantic. That has always been the case, right? It has always been him. Sherlock, and now Rosie and Sherlock, very nearly occupy his entire heart. There is simply no room for anyone else. Not after Mary. It doesn’t even cross his mind to meet someone else with intent of a serious affair. 

6. They both find therapists and stick to treatment at least for a little while. Sherlock’s therapist happens to be the second most patient man on the face of the planet (the first being, of course, John Watson). He is also, well, not a complete idiot. And he is just as annoying as John about Sherlock’s substance abuse problem, which means he must be doing something right. John’s therapist is an older army vet, a widower, who understands John’s anger issues and adrenaline addiction nearly better than John does himself. The very calm, mild-mannered, highly empathetic man is a stark contrast to both Sherlock and Mary, and John, oddly enough, finds he can work with him just fine.

7. Eurus and her brothers now have something of a relationship. Of COURSE she can’t leave Sherrinford again, but she does have her moments of sanity. Few and far in between though they may be. And in those times she helps Mycroft with matters that Sherlock is too much of a diva to tend to, and amuses herself composing music alongside Sherlock. She does plot their deaths, and in general people’s deaths, often in her mind, of course, but that’s beside the point because she is left absolutely no way for those plans to come to fruition. She receives lots of gifts from her family. But never again any special visitors.

8. Molly leaves for the United States when Rosie is 10. Because she needs to. After a few years of struggle, she ends up as one of the pathologists on a coincidentally all-female research team at Johns Hopkins. As she works she is hit by the notion: she is done admiring the brilliance of men whilst overlooking her own. Over her career, her team publishes dozens of peer-reviewed original research articles, crucial to the development of several new medications. She is also the editor of the general and organ-systems based anatomy curricula at three newer medical schools, where she teaches said courses. Her students, she finds, become like her children. And, given her reviews, they like her very much as well. So much she gets tenure, in fact. Whenever she is not too busy, she visits London again. She gets a coffee with John, and goes shopping with Rosie, who now is 24, and in graduate school. And she takes a walk with Sherlock. He’s aged very well, the bastard.And he is a little warmer, kinder, sweeter. It’s finally nice to be just friends. 

9. Sherlock gets that knighthood. After one of the best cases of his career, actually, one John blogs about in particular detail. John takes him out to dinner to celebrate when they get back from the official string of engagements.

10. John publishes his blog in book form and it becomes a best-seller. His private practice doesn’t exactly thrive, but he does okay. Primary care offers a quiet little alternative to the life-or-death situations in his writings.

That is it. That is my collection of headcanons.

BONUS:

11.  John makes a very strong point of celebrating Sherlock’s birthday, since he went so long without doing so. He also ropes Rosie into doing it. In fact, she is the only one who ever manages to plan a surprise party that actually surprises Sherlock.

12. John’s hair continues to be on point for eternity. So do Sherlock’s cheekbones (obviously).

13. Mycroft gets to his ideal body weight. Which is a small mercy, since he is almost, not-quite-trying, definitely-not looking for his goldfish. In between taking down the Trump presidency and knocking down a few terrorist cells.

Habit

John Laurens x Reader

————————————————————————————————–

After a few times it became a habit. He didn’t mean for it to ever happen, but apparently that’s the way life works. We don’t mean for it to happen yet it always does. And what he’s done is terrible.

It went on for a few months, a couple times a week. It was quick and it was secretive. But he should have known that his wife would find out eventually.

And when she did it wasn’t a pretty situation.

They were in the midst of doing ‘it’ when she walked in on them. In their marriage bed no less.

She had just stood there in shock before John noticed her standing there. Immediately he jumped apart from the other woman, pushing himself to the end of the bed.

“Y/N!”

She didn’t react to him, just stood there staring. Tears were shining in her eyes but they didn’t fall. She swallowed hard and took a shuddering breath.

“How long.”

It was more of a command than a question.

“Three months,” John said looking at the sheets.

A broken sob escaped Y/N’s mouth and she pressed her hand to her mouth. A few tears fell onto her cheeks.

The other woman slowly got out of bed and gathered her things before leaving. Nobody else moved, they just sat in silence.

“Was I not good enough for you?” Y/n asked.

“Y/n… I,” John forced out.

“ANSWER THE DAMN QUESTION!”

John jumped back. She had never screamed like this at anyone. Her face was red, she was sobbing and breathing heavily.

He tried to make words but he couldn’t get anything out. Y/n rolled her eyes before grabbing her bag and walking out of the house.

“We’ll talk later. I’ll be contacting my lawyer as well John.”

He jumped out of bed, running after her.

“Y/N, please,” he started.

She walked out the door, not even looking at him.

“Once is bad enough John, you should have never let it become a habit.”

Orbiting Human Circus Headcanon

Julian goes on vacation once a year. No one knows where he goes, or how he gets there on a janitorial salary, yet he leaves for a week regardless. John tries to be happy, but always has strange dreams when the janitor is away. In the dreams, John sees Julian wandering through the desert. The moon overhead illuminates a faded sign before a slumbering town, which reads ‘Welcome to Night Vale’. He awakes with a feeling of unease in his chest that does not disapate until Julian’s return. Julian says nothing of his trip, and John is too afraid to ask. Plus, Julian is the only one who cleans the cages just right, and the orchestral gets fussy. Very fussy.

Family (Part 4)

Yas, finally part four! Please tell me how you feel about this because it’s not the usual angst and idk.

“Room for two?”

Dick turned around to the source of sound. His palms turned into fists and softly rubbed the sleep away from his eyes as he lifted his torso to face you.

“Sure thing!” He said and flashed a tired smile, gesturing for you to come to bed. He threw the covers off your empty place, as you were sleeping in the guest room for some weeks, and welcomed you once again.

“I felt the need to come to you, Dick.” Your voice was as soft as a whisper, barely making it to Dick’s ears. You laid your head on his chest and placed your hand right next to it. Somehow your heart stopped pacing the moment you heard the faint beating of his. It calmed you down. Hearing his heartbeat, his body making sounds made you feel so relaxed; it pacified you. You didn’t feel wrong. Not at all. Even if ten year were erased from your memory and even if you felt pressured to remember everyone and everything, when you were with him the world seemed to stop around you. And deep inside you prayed that this force that kept you glued to Dick would help you remember.

“say mommy!”
“he can’t you idiots, he’s not even one year old!” Damian spit at Tim amd Jason who held baby John firmly in their hands. He was busy with Mary, protecting her from any potential injury she could get by jumping on every corner of the house. This was the first time she was si enthusiastic about being in the manor and you had no idea why. You turned your head away from Mary though, to glare at Jason and his vulgar mouth.

“the fuck Tim, mommy is easier to be said than daddy” he snapped.

“watch your mouth, when you’re around my kid, Todd” You said and poked out your tongue to him as he chatted about defending you and being on your side. Your son locked his blue eyes with you and pursed his lips together with determination.

“Todd” It was a soft mumble, although it made everyone in the room to stop on their tracks. Your son’s first word was ‘todd’. And as to top it all Jason started laughing hysterically, holding the baby close to.his chest, saying that it was his kid now. It was more than amusing to you though, and you were proud of your little boy’s first words. In contrast to Dick who was fuming in a corner, because John didn’t say ‘daddy’.


Your eyes snapped open. A deep sigh escaped your own pursed lips as you untangled your head from Dick’s grasp. You had to breathe, slowly, in and out. You had dreams like that lately, ever since Dick had taken you to a man he called J'ohn, but they only caused you headaches amd made you feel even worse for not being able to feel the way you were expected towards certain people, including your own kids.

Nevertheless, you decided to go back to sleep, Dick had planned to take you and the kids to an amusing park in the morning and you needed to get some rest in order to keep up with these two little never-slowing-down cuties.
______

You were amazed at how fast and energetically they got up and ate their foods. Mary even came to you to fix her hair, which made you extremely happy for a reason. And when you were done she gave you a very big, genuine smile that reminded you of her father and thanked you. It was one of the rare times her (E/c) eyes glimmed with such happiness and it made you feel so right about this particular day.


The drive seemed so long. The kids were continually asking when you’d be arriving at the place, in which you’d always answer “we’re almost there”

Mary’s laughter filled the room, as she heard Donkey ask Shrek the same question, repeatedly. “Are we there yet?”. You were a huge Shrek fan yourself but Mary, oh Mary, she enjoyed it too too much, in contrast to John who cried everytime he saw Shrek’s face.

“mommy, why does Donkey ask Shrek the same thing again and again?”

“because he’s impatient and excited” Mary’s mouth formed the shape of an oh. After that, her laughter died down as she focused on the movie once again.


“(Y/n)? Are you there?” Dick’s voice snapped you back to reality and you shook your head to brush the thoughts away. “We’re here!” He proudly announced as he unshifted the kids’ belts.

“Here? Ugh, yeah, here, how good.” Your words were calm, confused as to what here was before it snapped that you were at the amusement park.

“Well kids wait for mom!” Dick shouted at the kids who had just started running towards the building. They obediently turned back with the same enthusiasm they left before.

“Come on mommy” John muttered, causing Dick to turn to him, dead serious. It was the first actual time John had spoken to you since the hospital. And he seemed happy too. Dick felt his heart warm up and he resist the tear that threatened to fall from his eye as he helped you get out of the car without slamming your head anywhere.

You smiled to John and asked him for one more minute. “So that dad can lock the car”

And by taking each kids’ hand in yours, the four of you walked into the gates of the amusing park.
_____


“Everytime I’m accepting I’m their mom, little by little, I remember more things Dick.” Your torso shook in delight as tears of joy escaped your eyes. Dick pulled you close to him once again, resting you on his chest just like he had done last night.


“What the freaking fuck Dick, what kind of coffee is that? If its even considered a coffee.” You yelped as you tried to get rid of the horrid taste of Dick’s coffee.

“I just thoughts i should mix up all the special list of ingredients” he admitted

“do you even like it you idiot?”

“oh, what are you cussing me now huh?

“because you almost killed me, with this poisonous drink of yours!“you pretend to appear angry once again, but the smug in your face didn’t really help you do so. Dick, pulled you close to him and collided his lips with yours quickly. As his tongue entered your mouth, he pulled back immediately.
“what the fuck did i buy?”

@aenna-4 @whovianayesha @too-many-fandoms666 @diana-jaffa @supernovares @jadedhillon @maruthor @i-forgot-the-punchline @feistylittlebird

It mattered

I wrote this for my lovely, lovely girlfriend who’s been absolutely wonderful these past few days and also suggested I post this in case tfp ended up being a fuck-up.

So here’s a ficlet about how tfp should have ended because “who you are doesn’t matter” is utter crap. (Salty? Who? Me? Never.)

Also thanks to Coline and Fish for being the best fellow space lesbians anyone could wish for.


“Are you sure about this?”

Keep reading

the bravest vs the most human

John and Sherlock say some very similar things about each other.  It’s always struck me that Sherlock calls John, ‘the bravest’, person he’s ever known whereas John does not.  And yet, both are equally brave in their cases.  Think of Sherlock dashing into the tunnel in TBB to save John and Sarah.  Think of Sherlock jumping off a building or running inside a bonfire.  Clearly these guys are equally brave.  If John were braver then in what way might this be?

I think that John is brave in Sherlock’s eyes because he’s been braver about his feelings than Sherlock has.  I think he was braver at Angelo’s when he made a move to see if Sherlock was available and I think that Sherlock, in turn, was afraid.  I think that this is why, ‘the most human’, is code for, ‘vulnerable’, when John speaks at Sherlock’s graveside.      

It’s not that John’s brave and Sherlock is a coward.  Nor that Sherlock is human and John is not as human.  They’re both brave and they’re both vulnerable.  But, in key moments, when it came time to get close, I think that it is John who has been more ready to take the leap.  It is John who turns all that flirting in ASiP into an actual innuendo.  It is John who steels himself with alcohol to ask him, ‘how are we feeling about that?’, in ASiB.  It is Sherlock’s vulnerability, his humanity, at every turn, that keeps him from reciprocating these gestures.

Think of John running after Sherlock to chase the cabbie in ASiP.  He wasn’t just brave because he raced into danger, forgetting about this own injury or safety.  He is also brave because he followed Sherlock down a symbolic, ‘alternative route’, bathed in purple light, comically running in the wrong direction and being redirected by Sherlock.  He ran, head first, into a romance with Sherlock even after he had turned him down.  

Sherlock’s best man speech is greatly in part about John’s blog.  John’s blog, by Sherlock’s own public assessment, shows John’s, ‘obsession’, with him.  John’s blog and everything written therein is brave.  It is exposing his feelings for Sherlock.  It is John’s love letter to Sherlock and it’s been there, out in the open, since day one.  It is only here at the wedding that Sherlock reciprocates in kind.  

How bittersweet is it to realise at John’s wedding that John has been brave as his friend, with him?  He had been brave in being close to him.  He had accepted his limitations, his boundaries; the vulnerability that kept them apart and he had bravely accepted whatever would be.  Whatever could be.  He had always been there ready to follow him, waiting for his vulnerable friend to find his own bravery.  And like The Tragically Hip said, ‘Courage, it couldn’t come at a worse time’.  Sherlock finally found his bravery, despite his vulnerability, at John’s wedding.  

And then it was, as John had said to him many times before, a question of bad timing.  Look at his reaction when he hears Sherlock say all those things about him.  He looks angry,  

Reminds me of this, actually,

This could as well have been what John said to Sherlock at his wedding,

Video Games Au
  • shaw is trash for video games
  • always has been since her mom gave her the old Nintendo 64 system
  • she was 5 so she mostly just ran around
  • never completing any missions
  • until her dad shows her 
  • they play for HOURS
  • only during the night tho
  • shaw is still shaw and she runs around outside causing mayhem with john
  • but at nighttime its game on for her and her dad, sometimes her mom too
  • okay her mom is there every night as well
  • shaw gets john hooked on games 
  • he sleeps over every friday and saturday
  • shaw always has the latest system and THE top games for them
  • she’s not greedy tho
  • she always sells her old systems and games before she gets a new one
  • she gave her Xbox 360 to john for his 10th birthday
  • john’s mom cried
  • she couldn’t afford one
  • he’s being wanting one since shaw got one only a year ago
  • shaw decided PlayStation was better
  • she won’t tell john that
  • shaw isn’t picky on video games she plays them all
  • but shooters are her favorite
  • something about stealth and headshots just gets her pumped up
  • john likes any army games so he and shaw can always agree on a game
  • you can bet your ass these two were call of duty trash
  • they are still unbeatable during online games
  • they are the Mayhem Twins online
  • they’re 13 when a new duo comes online
  • “son of a bitch! Who the hell does Joss_Boss think they are?!”
  • shaw got cornered and killed
  • for the 5th time by the same person
  • she hates yet respects this Joss_Boss
  • “easy there sameen. Its just a-”
  • john’s player got blown up
  • by The_Fu$conator
  • for the 10th time
  • shaw is persistent and finds out the two gamers go to her school
  • so shocked to find out goody-two shoes Joss Carter and dirty fingers Lionel Fusco are the skilled players
  • shaw’s never cared for labels or peoples opinions so she invites them over to play a few rounds on her new system
  • the four of them become known as Team Machine both online and around school
  • they are a force to be feared
  • carter keeps the the mayhem twins out of trouble
  • the twins make sure simmons doesn’t bully her into doing his homework
  • they also help fusco with school so he doesn’t have to beg simmons for answers on test anymore
  • they got each others backs all the time
  • fusco has a weakness for zombie games and sport games
  • shaw thought sports games were dumb until fusco showed her Fifa
  • she becomes soccer trash as well
  • mostly the women’s teams
  • carter actually loves racing games or anything with a story behind it
  • she’s still a boss at shooter games tho
  • shaw and carter get into the assassin’s creed games
  • the boys are tried of listening to them ramble on about it
  • they’re all staying at shaw’s for their saturday night ritual
  • their parents don’t care they know that boys and girls can just be friends
  • even tho they’re 15 
  • they all know none of their kids feels like that for each other
  • typical saturday night; pizza, soda, candy, epic COD online winning streak
  • its all fun and games until 1am
  • two new players names come up
  • shaw snorts “what kind of lame ass name is RootCode”
  • “wait I’m mistaken, Finch is even lamer”
  • oh poor shaw
  • 45 minutes later
  • “do you guys got eyes on RootCode!? Where the fuck did they go?! Fuck I’m out of-shit!”
  • headshot to shaw
  • “fuck! Forget that one! What about Finch?!”
  • “john this isn’t about you! RootCode has fucking killed me 27 times. In. A. Row!!!”
  • its a hell of a night for the 4 of them
  • Team Machine was annihilated by two players named RootCode and Finch
  • just fucking Finch
  • the hell kind of online name is that??
  • its a man hunt for these two at school
  • joss questions around
  • fusco makes deals to get answers
  • the mayhem twins shake down everyone
  • no luck
  • Team Machine gets on every night and at 1am like clock work those two names pop up 
  • shaw’s surprised her headset still works
  • finally on a friday night only RootCode is on and shaw tells her team she’s gonna go one on one with whoever they are
  • shaw’s not surprised when they take her request
  • and the games begin
  • shaw didn’t bother taking off her headset she’s pretty sure the other person doesn’t have one
  • oh boy was she wrong
  • shaw dies seconds before the round ends and she throws her controller with 
  • “motherfucker! How the fuck did you know I’d spawn there?!! Fucking bitch ass cheater-”
  • “calm down sweetie. I don’t cheat”
  • its a girl on the other end
  • she’s heard shaw cussing and mumbling and commentating for the past 90 minutes
  • shit
  • “nows not a time to be shy. I must say your comments were quite…adorable”
  • shaw scoffs “adorable? Please. I threaten to end your life every minute”
  • “You can end me all you want, sameen”
  • okay now this is just freaky. She. Knows. Her. Name.
  • “how the hell-”
  • “see you in class on monday sam”
  • shaw and john are like a hurricane on monday
  • joss tries to cover for them when they sneak out of class and pop into random classes
  • fusco makes sure he has hall duty when they run around during classes
  • that night shaw awaits impatiently online
  • again at 1am RootCode is online by herself
  • “you’re a damn liar. You don’t go to my school”
  • “then explain why I saw you and the big lug running around those hallways sounding like a heard of bulls”
  • “what the-”
  • “I told you I’d see you in class, sameen. You didn’t have to go far to find me”
  • “pff please. I wasn’t looking for you”
  • she was and RootCode knows it
  • “see you tomorrow sam”
  • shaw sits in the back of all of her classes and observes each classmate
  • zoey morgan? Nah she’s too busy throwing parties every weekend
  • claire mahoney? Nope she studies around the clock and shaw knows she doesn’t have a system
  • she was her partner for spanish and shaw talked about halo for 15 minutes until she admitted to not knowing it or video games
  • harper rose? Possibly but last shaw check harper wasn’t that great at games
  • its second hour and shaw has already went through everyone mentally
  • except for the girl in the leather jacket
  • samantha groves
  • shaw shares quite a few classes with her
  • she’s quite for most of the time but during their math class samantha goes rounds with the teacher
  • shaw finds it entertaining
  • during passing period she yanks samantha inside the bathroom
  • the boys bathroom
  • john keeps watch outside
  • “I’m gonna ask you once and you better give me the right answer or else your face is gonna end up in a toilet”
  • not really
  • this girl is way too hot and shaw quiet likes her face
  • her eyes are perfect
  • “still gonna tell me you weren’t looking for me?”
  • that smirk is dumb and flirty and shaw kinda wants to hit her
  • or kiss her same thing
  • “samantha-”
  • “please call me root”
  • shaw respects it and besides samantha doesn’t suit her
  • they spend the next class period talking about video games and shaw figuring out how root got so good
  • shaw learns that the computer whiz kid Harold Finch is well Finch
  • shaw should’ve seen that one coming
  • she invites both of them over to play with her and john
  • root practically sits in her lap on shaw’s bed
  • “uh root? There’s like 2 other bean bags”
  • “can’t see from the floor”
  • horrible liar in shaw’s book
  • then again shaw’s not objecting to a pretty girl so close to her
  • its amazing watching root flawlessly conquer their opponents 
  • her thumbs just fly across her controller
  • shaw’s impressed 
  • root and harold join their group and alternate with fusco and carter
  • however root and shaw must ALWAYS play together
  • they work so well together
  • better than shaw and john
  • if Team Machine was unbeatable before
  • well now its basically unfair that the 6 of them are a team
  • root spends every weekend at shaw’s
  • they soon stop playing video games every night after shaw kisses root after a victory in fifa 16
  • hey! Shaw actually made a midfield goal! 
  • it was in the heat of the moment
  • but the make-out session after that was something they both wanted for a year now
  • thankfully for Team Machine they aren’t are all gross when they play video games with them
Family doesn’t end with blood. It doesn’t start there either.

If my dash is anything to go by, there’s one thing basically all of us agree on: Inside Man was one of the best episodes we’ve seen on Supernatural. And for a show in it’s 10th season, that’s saying something. Inside Man was packed full with action, with characterization, with plot progression. I watched the episode live while in a chatroom with several meta writers, and we couldn’t make it five minutes without one of us exclaiming something about what we just saw being a great starting point for meta, or a perfect parallel to something that had meta written about it before. We all agreed this episode was going to be a goldmine for meta writers everywhere, and were eager to see what great posts would come from this.

One of those great starting points for some meta was Dean’s conversation with Crowley. 

“A wise man once told me “Family doesn’t end with blood.” It doesn’t start there either. Family cares about you, not what you can do for them. Family’s there. for the good, bad, all of it. They got your back. Even when it hurts. That’s family.” (x)

While Dean talking with Crowley about family, about feelings, is a source for meta on it’s own, but that’s not where I’m going here. What I want to talk about is this conversation about family and it’s place in an episode where we saw such an interesting contrast between Bobby with Team Free Will, and Rowena with Crowley. Bobby, the one without a connection through blood, but who the boys look to as a father, and Rowena, Crowley’s actual mother, who Crowley never really saw or acknowledged as his mother.

Let’s start with Bobby, in Heaven. Out of everyone Sam and Cas could have chosen to be the one to get them into Heaven, they chose Bobby. Not Mary, not John, not anyone else they know. Bobby. Because if there’s one thing Sam knows, it’s that Bobby will always be there for them. No matter what they will spring on him, Bobby will be there for them. Because Bobby is family, whether he’s actually related to them or not. Because “family doesn’t end with blood” .

And Bobby, true to form, barely bats an eye when Sammy comes to him with yet another world-shattering problem. He asks what the situation is, and what they need from him. And then he does it. He knows there’s something they’re not telling him, knows there’s something more going on when Dean doesn’t seem to be involved in any way, but that’s a question for later. He might not completely agree with their viewpoint, but he trusts they know what they’re doing, what they want, and goes along with whatever they want.

Now on the other side, in Hell, we have Rowena. Rowena, who is Crowley’s biological mother, but wasn’t there to raise her son, instead abandoning him at a young age. Who, when she is reunited with her son, refuses to even acknowledge his chosen name. (A sign of not accepting who he has become? Of not accepting Crowley, and instead wanting him to be what she has in mind for her Fergus?) And Crowley knows, same as Sam knows that Bobby will always be there for them, that Rowena is ultimately only there to further her own goals. She’s only there because at the moment, he is useful to her. Or at least he can be. Except Crowley knows exactly what she’s doing.

Where Bobby trusts that his boys know what they’re doing, Rowena feels like she is the one that knows what’s best for her Fergus. She goes behind Crowley’s back, in search of Dean Winchester, to try and get him away from her son. Because she feels that if she could just get Dean and his “positive influence” away from her son, maybe she could still shape him in the kind of man she wished he was. And when that doesn’t work, when her magic doesn’t seem to get a hold on Dean, she changes her plans. She goes to Crowley, appearing bloody and beaten, trying to make Dean out to be the bad guy. And Crowley storms off, in search of Dean.

Which brings us back to the conversation between Dean and Crowley. In a scene they had set up in such a way for us to expect the two of them to get into a fight, instead we get them sharing drinks. We get Dean Winchester talking to the King of Hell about family and feelings. But then again, those two are long past the point of Hunter vs Demon, are they? Dean has been a demon, been best buddies with Crowley, and Crowley has “gone soft”. Like Dean said: “You don’t wanted to fight. You wanted to talk.” Crowley has nobody to turn to among his demons, nobody who has his back. His mother is busy playing her own games, and he knows it. So who does he have left? Dean Winchester, a hunter who is supposed to want him dead, but who instead seems comfortable enough to sit down with him, have a drink, and share feelings. In whatever twisted way, these two seemed to have formed their own bond. Whether that bond is platonic, or romantic, or whatever else, is up for debate. There is no denying, however, that there is something going on between the two of them.

Then, as if Dean and Crowley just causally talking about family and feelings wasn’t enough, we get to see Crowley telling Rowena that he wants her gone. Crowley, who has clearly listened to what Dean said about family, and has taken it to heart, tells his mother that he’s choosing himself, and that he doesn’t need her.

And then, that ending scene. You all know exactly which one I’m talking about. Bobby’s letter, read by Sam, with the best damn montage we’ve seen on this show in years. (x

Bobby, being one of the best goddamn parents there are, being there for his boys even when he’s dead, even when he’s in Heaven. Meanwhile, we see Rowena walking away, alone, bags in hand, while the words “but sometimes the bad is real bad” lay over the frame.

And it’s one of the most beautiful ways they could have used to show the contrast between Bobby and Rowena, showing us “family doesn’t end with blood” and “it doesn’t start there either”.

Paradox - Part 1

Virgil sees a problem and wants to fix it. John is the problem but doesn’t want to see it. 

Mild angst. Hurt/comfort. Bros being bros. Some swearing.


Virgil

Virgil doesn’t do space. There’s something about the vastness of the expanse of nothing that sets his teeth on edge. Of course, John would argue that it’s not full of nothing. At best, it’s filled with the swirling ice of comet trails, with dust and neutrinos and radiation. At worst, even a cubic metre of vacuum has a few hydrogen and helium atoms floating around in it. But that’s John-speak. To Virgil, if it looks like nothing, then it is nothing. And that is a terrifying thought.

Never being one to take unnecessary risks, Virgil avoids space at all costs. It’s not fear; it’s logic. You don’t go to dangerous places unless you have to. And if course, he won’t hesitate if he has to. If there’s a life in danger, he’ll set aside his worries. They no longer matter. They pale like fading photographs beside the red hot risk to life. In those moments, Virgil fears nothing but his own inaction.

And so one Wednesday, around 3pm, he calls down the space elevator. Because it’s come to that. His brother’s being stubborn and thus, it’s time to act.

Keep reading

Love and Breadcrumbs: The Relationship Development of Sherlock and John in BBC Sherlock

Being yet another very long, long post about what’s going on in Sherlock.

**MAJOR SPOILERS for Sherlock Season 1, 2 and Season 3 **

** Now Updated to include His Last Vow"

There have been so many wonderful metas and dialogues floating around about johnlock and signposts and all of that (especially by 221beemine, loudest-subtext-in-television, and Sherlock meta).  I’ve written a few myself.  My realm is not film choreography and visuals, like some of these brilliant people who have been so amazing and helping me see narrative.  So I am really in their debt.  But as a writer, I do know storytelling and character development.  So I decided to look back over the entire series and pull out what I think are the highlights of character development and story arcs in the relationship between Sherlock and John.

I didn’t have time to rewatch each show in toto, so I’m going from my memory, which means I’m probably missing lots of things.  Please correct me if I get anything wrong.

S1, E1: A Study in Pink

  • Sherlock and John meet, having been set-up as potential flat mates by a mutual friend.  Any first meeting of 2 people for whom the relationship will be a key factor in the story is incredibly important. And from that first meeting, there is chemistry.  John surprises Sherlock by loaning him his phone and Sherlock, deducing him, sees a recently discharged soldier and medical doctor with a psychosomatic limp. Intriguing.  John is equally intrigued by the unusual, rather posh, brilliant, and enigmatic Holmes.  (My own take: John also finds Sherlock immediately attractive, because John always responds very quickly to physical attractiveness in women. But John is at least primarily straight so he probably pushes this aside as an aberration.)
  • John goes to see the flat. Sherlock takes him on a case immediately.  John is eager to go along.
  • At the crime scene, people tell John, both in text and subtext, that no one likes Sherlock; he is a ‘freak’. Sherlock confirms this in the car “they say ‘piss off’”.  This is a typical ‘beauty and the beast’ set-up. You set-up that one of your MCs (main characters in a romance) is unliked and misunderstood by everyone so that the other MC can be the only one who understands him. 
  • Sherlock impresses John with his brilliance at the crime scene; John praises Sherlock out loud, which Sherlock loves.  Then Sherlock dumps John at the crime scene.  What an annoying git. (this is a negative beat in a positive/negative flow – I love you; I hate you, it builds tension and keeps things interesting)
  • Mycroft kidnaps John. Mycroft tells John how dangerous Sherlock is, warning him away. (psychology: makes John even more interested).  Mycroft deduces that John LIKES danger (key character point).  Mycroft makes the first allusion to a potential romance (“When should I expect the happy announcement”) which John dismisses.
  • Sherlock calls John to the flat just to hand him his phone. Others have pointed out how Sherlock is testing John this episode and I agree.  How far can I push this guy?  John’s response is that he’s not a weakling. He calls Sherlock on his behavior, but he doesn’t dislike Sherlock for it.  Right answer.

  • John and Sherlock go to dinner (key scene).  John tries to suss out if Sherlock has a girlfriend.  Sherlock says “Not my area”.  John, only momentarily fazed, then asks about a boyfriend.  Sherlock shuts him down “I appreciate your interest, but I’m married to my work.” John, flustered, denies he meant anything of the sort.  This is a funny moment, and you can take away what you will.  Based on what we are shown of John’s character (that he is easily attracted to attractive people and comes on to them very quickly – this is shown by the interaction with Anthea in the car), his immediate fascination with Holmes, and the way Martin played it (that eye language is charged) my own take is that he really was trying to suss out if there was any potential there. At that point it might only have been a glimmer in his mind, but it was there.  However, Sherlock tells him in no uncertain terms: that’s never going to happen.  John accepts that.  It was only a stray thought anyway, right? I’m straight.
  • They run after a murderer.  Sherlock cures John’s psychosomatic limp (within the first day). John is hugely impressed.  They laugh together in the hall like friends.  (Has Sherlock ever had a friend?)
  • Sherlock dumps John a second time to go with the murderer (negative beat on the John/Sherlock sub-plot and also setting up a ‘loner’ character trait for Sherlock which John can and does overcome).
  •  John tracks him down and shoots the murderer, likely saving Sherlock’s life (big positive beat).  This is a key moment.  On the surface what we have is John being BAMF and saving Sherlock.  Which, fuck it, impresses the hell out of Sherlock (and maybe, somewhere deep down, is a little titillating too: “all girls like a soldier”).  And, of course, indicates that John is going to be very useful in The Work.  But on subtext/char development level John is already saving Sherlock from himself—from his over-focused obsession with his cases and self-destructive arrogance.  John even calls Sherlock on it in the text: “You would have done it.”  Sherlock may well have died young because he is so reckless but now, John is protecting him.
  • As they walk away, Mycroft clearly calls them out as an established team “Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson”.
  • Callbacks:  In S3:01, TEH, the heart-like bomb stops ticking down at 1:29.  Jan 29th is the day Sherlock met John and this all happens.  John saved Sherlock that day, literally and figuratively. 
  • Clearly this is a HELL of a set-up for this relationship.  This is going to be a HUGELY significant relationship for both of these two men.  But we don’t yet know if that relationship will be purely platonic, romantic/nonsexual, or romantic/sexual.
  • My own opinion:  John and Sherlock both show immediate romantic/physical attraction to one another both in their actions and in the actor’s performances.  In real life, looking at each other the way that they do, and immediately wanting to be around each other, has only one interpretation (sexual attraction).  And that’s the way Ben and Martin played it. However, in TV it’s more iffy because it’s a well-known device to put in attraction like this to engage the audience without any intention of ever realizing it in the flesh, particularly when it comes to male ‘partnerships’ like this.   (Teen Wolf, etc etc).
  • Fan ships were launched in a big way.

S1, E2: The Blink Banker

  • John starts work at a locum and immediately asks out a co-worker, Sarah. (Char dev: John craves a sexual/romantic relationship, he goes for it doggedly, and he’s not all that picky where he gets it.)
  • During this case, they meet Sebastian, an old school mate of Sherlock’s.  This reinforces the idea that Sherlock was bullied and has had very little friendship in life.  John responds by being more protective of Sherlock. (more beauty and the beast).  Subtext: Sebastian might have been a past abusive lover; Sherlock might be gay.  I think John at least wonders about it.
  • Sherlock is jealous about Sarah. He horns in on their first date, insults her, and cockblocks.  Text: I’m a selfish git who wants you to be at my exclusive beck and call like a servant.  Subtext: I don’t like it when you pay attention to anyone but me, and especially not sexually/romantically.  My own opinion: Sherlock already is interested in John but he is in total denial about the nature of that interest.  He has no experience with sexual/romantic love and he has shut himself off from it.
  • John says he’s going out on a date – where two people who like each other go out and have fun.  Sherlock says 'that’s what I was suggesting’. He doesn’t get the difference here, because to him going out with John is like a date. (thanks, angstidote)
  • John leaves the attractive Soo Lin to go after and protect Sherlock in the museum.
  • John is already proving to be indispensable in the The Work and he loves doing it. This is a match made in heaven, though of what kind, again, not yet established.
  • John is now living in the flat in the role of caretaker (making sure Sherlock eats, etc)
  • Sarah is put into danger because of John’s association with Sherlock. Subtext (which John is not yet ready to accept): you can’t have me and a woman too. And already, John is choosing Sherlock.
  • Read a much more detailed analysis of The Blind Banker from 221Behavior here.

S1, E3: The Great Game

  • John is still dating Sarah but there are cracks—Sherlock cockblocks and John always prioritized Sherlock. We can see John/Sarah as a pairing is doomed.
  • We see in countless ways by their domesticity, Sherlock talking to John when he’s not there, etc, that Sherlock does have at least platonic feelings for John, he is just doesn’t recognize his own attachment at this point, or at least doesn’t call it by the name ‘friendship’ (not til Baskerville).
  • During the “pips” sequence, John calls Sherlock on his lack of human emotion for the bomb victims and Sherlock says ‘caring’ won’t help him solve crimes.  They argue. Subtext: John is saying I’m frustrated that you’re incapable of really have feelings for me of any kind.  And Sherlock’s reply: I can’t allow myself feelings because I have to be cold and rational for The Work.  (this is a negative beat in the story arc – it looks impossible at this point). 
  • This is a key theme in this episode because in the end we see that Sherlock DOES have feelings, it DOES impact the work (Moriarity uses John as a weak spot) and yet, in the end, John’s friendship is what offers to save Sherlock.
  • Moriarty threatens to ‘burn the heart’ out of Sherlock and then kidnaps John. Like we’ll see with Irene, here we have a super villain, this time an expert on human weakness, telling John and Sherlock what’s going on—that John is Sherlock’s weak spot (subtext: literally his heart – on some level Sherlock loves John and doesn’t know it yet).
  • Moriarty kidnaps John and when Sherlock first sees John at the pool, there’s a moment where he thinks John is Moriarty. We see by the momentary flash of hurt how much Sherlock has come to trust John.
  • John, in a bomb jacket, grabs Moriarty and tells Sherlock to run. John is now not only willing to kill for Sherlock, he’s willing to die for Sherlock (season 1 character progression).  And yes, this impresses the hell out of Sherlock once again.  Subtext:  By this action John is a) being a soldier and b) saying that Sherlock’s life is more important than John’s –he’s the unique one.  He’s also c) saying he loves Sherlock enough to die for him, however you want to take that. 
  • Sherlock also demonstrates here (subtext, acting, facial expression as he frees John from the bomb) that he cares a lot about John and would have been devastated if John had died.

Season 1 Summation: 

John and Sherlock are an immediate, perfect-for-each-other team.  By S1 end, John is showing in many ways that he’s obsessed with Sherlock, and that Sherlock comes first – not only over any potential relationship with a woman but even over John’s own life.  But I think John is still in denial about this being sexual/romantic until ASiB.  Sherlock, on his part, is oblivious to sexuality and romance and even friendship at this point, though I think all of that is there under the surface, unrecognized.  All Sherlock knows consciously is that John is 'different’, John likes him and takes care of him, and he strongly wants John around in a 'that’s mine!’ sort of way (he has been lonely, though he’d never admit it). John is trying to date women to fulfill his sexual needs, but it’s not going very well because his heart’s priority is always Sherlock.

S2, E2: A Scandal in Bohemia

  • It’s significant that this is the series opener, because the series opener really sets the stage for what this season is about—what the character arc is.  In S1 it was John and Sherlock’s newfound partnership and John coming to complete dedication to that.  In S3 it is Sherlock and John’s reunion and re-cementing that partnership.  What is S2 about?  It’s about Sherlock ability (or lack thereof) to deal with feelings because that is the obstacle limiting John and Sherlock’s relationship. So S2 is about Sherlock learning to care.
  • Scandal fills in some backstory on what’s been going on with John and Sherlock:
    • Since TGG, Sherlock and John live together and are co-dependent.  John cares for Sherlock (like a maid/domestic partner) and they love solving crimes together.  This part of their relationship works like gangbusters.  I imagine the events of TGG made them both appreciate each other more.
    • They have no physical contact—sexually or romantically.  They don’t cuddle on the couch.  Sherlock still often treats John as “his little assistant”, which rightfully pisses John off.
    • John dates a string of women, trying to get from them what he doesn’t get from his key relationship with Sherlock – sex and affection.  This has not worked out because Sherlock always is jealous and cockblocks and John’s heart isn’t in it.  We see in the episode with Janine over the Christmas party that Sherlock treats John’s girlfriends appallingly and John himself can’t even keep them straight in his head (“I’ll walk your dog.” “I don’t have a dog.”) Subtext: You’re not important to me; I’m just going through the motions because I think I should.  Janine tells John straight up in the text – no one can compete with his loyalty to Sherlock Holmes.
    • But ASiB is key because it addresses Sherlock’s ability to feel desire and attraction to another person.   And it address it in an ambiguous way:
      • In Buckingham Palace, Mycroft indicates that Sherlock is inexperienced at sex  (“I’m not alarmed by sex.” “How would you know?”).  We’re being told that Sherlock is a virgin or, at most, maybe had 1 or 2 early encounters.  This is setting up the “starting state” for this episode’s arc, the thing that will change.
      • Sherlock is clearly rattled by Irene’s nudity; he over-acts pompously, he stumbles over his words.  Subtext: This is making me think about sex and I don’t know how to handle that.   Is Sherlock sexually attracted to Irene herself?  It’s ambiguous, but I think it’s possible.  Irene is beautiful and naked: she’s definitely poking Sherlock’s  dormant libido.  
      • John, upon coming across naked Irene and Sherlock, demonstrates more jealousy over Sherlock’s reaction than he does display his own interest in her naked body.  Is this normal straight man behavior, especially from I-love-women Watson?  No.
      • John and Irene are both threatened by the gunmen.  But it is the threat to John that makes Sherlock panic and figure out the safe code. (“You only figure things out when they’re critical” – as Mary tells Sherlock in S3).  This foreshadows what Sherlock figures out at the critical last second of John’s wedding day in S3.02.
      • Sherlock and John escape Irene (or vice versa) but Irene starts to regularly text Sherlock. John displays jealousy over this fact.  Sherlock doesn’t text her back but is intrigued.
      • Irene ‘dies’: Sherlock seems genuinely upset about it.  Mycroft warns John that Sherlock may do self-harm.  John is worried.  Again: Sherlock feels something for Irene but it is ambiguous. John doesn’t like it.
      • Irene is not dead: she has John brought to meet her.  This is a touchstone scene.  Irene tells John that they’re both attracted to/mesmerized by Sherlock even though he is not the gender of their primary orientation for either of them.  In the dialogue, John denies it, but by his facial expressions and the screaming subtext in the scene we can see that he realizes it’s true.  This scene is a key signpost for several reasons.  First, as with Moriarty, Irene is an expert–the show’s expert on human sexuality.  Just as you wouldn’t have Sherlock, the crime genius, make a blatantly erroneous mistake about something he should know, Irene does not misread this.  She is telling the audience what’s going on. I think she sees, not only John’s jealousy over her, which is obvious in the literal text, but she sees Sherlock’s attraction to John, which is not yet obvious to either John or Sherlock.  John says “We’re not a couple.” And she says “Yes, you are”.  This is important because usually John says “I’m not gay”, which is only about him.  By saying “We’re not a couple”, he is including Sherlock’s feeling as well and Irene is saying You are a couple, meaning she is confirming that Sherlock also has feelings for John.
      • Sherlock overhears this conversation, meaning that he is now consciously aware that John may have romantic feelings for him and that Irene sees him as returning them.  Sherlock may be oblivious but he’s not stupid. He hears this and I think he really considers it.
      • Irene shows up at the flat.  Freshly showered in a robe, she plays flirtatious games with Sherlock in John’s presence: Sherlock responds with fascination.  John is jealous (“Hamish—in case you were looking for baby names”).  Subtext:  Sherlock is starting to be in touch with his own sexual feelings. He’s not as immune as he thought.
      • Irene and Sherlock are alone in the apartment.  Irene comes on to Sherlock in front of the fireplace, offering him sex, right there, right then.  However, when Sherlock first comes out of his ‘mind palace’ trance, his first words are “Where’s John?”  And Sherlock doesn’t take the bait. He does not reject Irene, he seemingly plays up to her.  But he says they are not going to ‘have dinner’ because he is ‘not hungry’.  He doesn’t seem disappointed when they’re interrupted for a case.  It’s ambiguous how much of this scene was Sherlock really being attracted to Irene and how much was him playing a game for info (later, we learn that he was taking her pulse during this exchange, a coldly logical thing to do.)  But I think he’s smart enough to not trust her here and not give in.
      • Irene betrays Sherlock.  Sherlock is genuinely horrified that he’s been played.  In Mycroft’s office he says “Sentiment is a chemical defect found on the losing side.”  He talks about how he took Irene’s pulse. Subtext: I was playing you back.  More subtext: Nevertheless, I did feel something and you made a fool of me—See? I was right all along.
      • When John brings Sherlock the “file” on Irene , he again displays some jealousy and concern over Sherlock’s feelings for Irene.  He tries to suss them out, but Sherlock won’t give him the satisfaction of an answer.
      • We’re told Sherlock goes out of his way to rescue Irene, yet he doesn’t stay with her, he returns to Baker Street and John.
      • It’s left ambiguous exactly what Sherlock felt for Irene and where his head is at about sexuality/romance at the end of all this episode.  However I think the key progression is this:  1) John now recognizes his romantic attraction to Sherlock, having had it pointed out to him by Irene and his own feelings of jealousy, 2) Irene sparked Sherlock’s sexual libido (which is ultimately good for John), and 3) her betrayal reconfirmed for Sherlock that he should not allow himself to have those kinds of feelings (bad for John).  It’s a case of 2 steps forward, one step back.
      • My take on Sherlock/Irene:  I think Sherlock was genuinely attracted to Irene.  I think he’s also attracted to John. It’s possible he’s a demisexual, someone who is more attracted to a specific person than a gender, but I think it’s more likely that he is attracted to men and Irene was an aberration–much like her own attraction to Sherlock was an aberration (and John’s too). Sherlock being primarily gay seems to be confirmed by the male theme in the sexuality of TSoT.  Nevertheless, though Sherlock was attracted to Irene ultimately she is untrustworthy—she is not good, decent, kind, wise, etc etc like John.  So Sherlock would never enter into a relationship with her.

S2, E2: The Hound of the Baskervilles

  • In keeping with the arc of the season, this episode addresses Sherlock’s ability to deal with emotions.
  • After the events of ASiB, it seems John is no longer dating women. He seems to have given up on that, either because he’s just resigned to the cockblocking or the case with Irene made him realize his feelings for Sherlock are romantic.  In HotB, Sherlock asks John to woo a woman for information and John does, but he is cockblocked once again by being called Sherlock’s ‘partner’ and seems resigned to it.
  • John impresses Sherlock with his BAMFness at the military compound. John comments on Sherlock’s cheekbones.  (minor things in their own right but the attraction is becoming more textual)
  • Key scene:  Sherlock gets emotional in front of the fireplace (parallels his earlier encounter in front of the fire with Irene).  He’s losing control because his logical mind has been compromised – he was afraid on the moors and he is half-convinced something paranormal is going on.  This is very threatening to his state of mind because Sherlock does not feel these things.  He tells John he ‘has no friends’.  John gets pissed off and leaves.  Subtext: Sherlock is unable to deal with it when he’s forced to feel emotion.  He has shut off that part of himself.  (Negative beat)
  • The next day, Sherlock apologizes to John and acknowledges out loud that John is his friend.  “I don’t have friends.  I’ve only got one.”  This is a significant moment for Sherlock’s emotional growth because he is for the first time consciously acknowledging that he has an emotional attachment to John, albeit one of friendship.  It’s important that Sherlock give this to John here, because I think John is really at the end of his rope.  He cares about Sherlock and sacrifices a lot for him, but Sherlock has been unwilling to give John open recognition in return (though Sherlock has demonstrated many times that he does rely upon John and only John, which is flattering and what keeps John around).  Positive beat on their arc.
  • Sherlock then experiments on John by giving him a drug.  What an arsehole!  Negative beat.  This becomes more significant in S3 because it’s one memorable time Sherlock has shown that he’s willing to abuse John and doesn’t care about his feelings.
  • In the end, John forgives Sherlock but not before pointing out to Sherlock how selfish he can be and that if he continues on in that way, he will lose John.  Sherlock very much does not want to lose John.  He is forced to become more self-aware of his behavior and treat John better.
  • (There are likely more beats in this, these are just the ones I can remember off the top of my head.  I’ll rewatch someday and update this.)

S2, E3: Reichenbach Falls

  • Here we have the culmination of the season’s character arc – which is Sherlock developing conscious feelings of the importance of his friendship with John. 
  • At the end of Season 1, we had John offering to sacrifice himself to save Sherlock at the pool.  John was already there by the end of season 1. The final high point of season 2 is that Sherlock sacrifices himself to save John.  He is now reciprocating consciously. 
  • In TRF, John sticks by Sherlock even when everyone else turns against him.  Sherlock is surprised and moved by this.  (Reinforces the ‘you’re the only one who gets me’ theme) (positive beat)
  • In the lab we again we have John getting very pissed off at Sherlock for not showing feelings (about Mrs. Hudson being shot) just as he did in TGG about the bomb victims.  Subtext again: I care about you so much, but you’re incapable of caring about me and that hurts. This time, Sherlock lets John think that.  He has to in order to do what has to be done and get John out of the picture.  This is a standard ‘drive them away for their own good’ plot device, which always means just the opposite – I do really love you.  (negative beat)
  • During the jump from the roof sequence, Sherlock seems genuinely distressed by the idea that he has to say good-bye to John.  He fakes his own death to save John.  Now the ‘reveal’ in TEH puts this into doubt, rather confusingly, by suggesting Mycroft had already called of the snipers so John wasn’t really in danger.  On the other hand, it’s implied Sherlock may have been telling Anderson a tall tale. I don’t know what to make of this.  But it seems to me that the emotion Sherlock displayed at the end of TRF, and his sacrifice, were genuine.  I hope this gets better resolution in HLV.
  • John is absolutely devastated by Sherlock’s death, more than you would expect from a mere friendship. There are ‘things he didn’t say’.  Subtext: John had romantic feelings for Sherlock he was never able to express because their relationship just wasn’t that way.  This might be a bit much to read into it were it not for ASiB, but as is it, it’s not.  Negative/cliffhanger.

Summary of S1 and S2

By the end of S2, John and Sherlock’s relationship has progressed to the point where John has even stopped trying to date casually.  He’s resigned himself to having basically a monk like existence. Sherlock and John both have demonstrated that they care enough about each other to die to save the other.  They are living co-dependently. However, they are at a stalemate.  Their relationship is unlikely to develop any further.  It’s gone as far as it can as a friendship.  And maybe it would have stayed that way indefinitely, though at that point, the show would have had to switch to being more case driven and less about the relationship because they’ve taken that friendship as far as it could possibly go.  Once you’re willing to die for one another, what’s left?

But what happens?  Sherlock ‘dies’, John grieves, and there is a forced separation.  This is a new obstacle/challenge put in their path.  Will it ultimately ruin their relationship?  Or push them into new territory?  Since the show is so heavily focused on the development of their relationship, it must have some important impact.

S3, E1: The Empty Hearse

  • On first viewing, this episode was confusing to me, because it didn’t show the reaction from Sherlock and John to their reunion that I would have anticipated.  I expected more emotion on both parts – Sherlock showing more jealousy towards Mary, Sherlock being more visibly hurt about John’s anger, John needing more convincing to forgive Sherlock.  Sherlock was always jealous of John’s girlfriends.  He always wanted John to stay at 221b, to have John to himself.  And John’s level of devastation to me needed more of a sincere apology from Sherlock than he gets in TEH to reestablish trust.  In S1 and S2 we see several instances of John calling Sherlock on his lack of feeling, demanding that Sherlock giving him something to show that Sherlock respected John as a partner.  And in faking his death, Sherlock completely shut John out of what was going on and I feel that would have been unforgivable to John, or at least without a damn good reason why.  So yes, I expected more groveling and explanations and justifications to be necessary.
  • But what we actually see in S3 is that the reunion is a much longer arc.  It isn’t resolved in E1 at all. In fact, it’s not resolved at the end of S3,E3.
  • So what DO we get in TEH?
  • It’s revealed that John hasn’t been back to 221B much since the death—it’s too painful for him (the scene in the hall where he remembers their first case together). 
  • John has grieved Sherlock intensely for 2 years.  He has finally just begun to ‘move on’ and fell in love with Mary.
  • He has fallen for Mary fast and is rushing their marriage (“I know it’s only been 3 months”).  Subtext: John does genuinely like/love Mary but he is also using Mary as an emotional crutch to get over Sherlock.
  • Sherlock initially acts arrogant in assuming that John will just be sitting waiting for him. But in the restaurant he is uncharacteristically nervous and OTT goofy.  He is ‘not handling’ the strength of his emotions here, just as he wasn’t able to handle them in Baskerville.  He doesn’t know what to do with all the feels!
  • After 3 restaurants and 3 conversations, Sherlock has still not offered John a good explanation for why he hurt John. In fact, he offers an insulting one–he was afraid John would blab. John punches Sherlock repeatedly, showing the depth of his (justified) anger and storms off.  Mary says she’ll intervene.
  • Sherlock does not show jealousy towards Mary, merely mild curiosity.  Unexpected. 
  • John tries to stay away from Sherlock, but the lure of the chase is too great.  He gives in and goes to see Sherlock but he’s kidnapped before he gets there.
  • Sherlock and Mary save John from the bonfire.  Sherlock is clearly willing to do anything to save John.
  • John is drawn back to 221B, unable to resist.  When he shows up, Sherlock’s parents are there.  Sherlock coldly gets rid of them (because John is WAAAY more important and John has come to the flat! This is teen-with-a-crush like behavior.
  • Sherlock’s mom and dad also mirror Sherlock and John – his mom is dressed like Sherlock and his dad like John. This theme is carried into TSoT and HLV.
  • John and Sherlock go into the underground to find the bomb.  Subtext – it’s like old times again.  Meta:  the underground/subway car represents Sherlock’s mind palace/subconscious and he is allowing John into the heart of that.  (link to LSiT ‘s meta on this).
  • In the bomb car, Sherlock uncovers the heart of the bomb.  Meta:  it is designed/shaped like a human heart; it is Sherlock’s heart
  • The bomb begins counting down – they’re going to die.  Sherlock manages to turn off the bomb while John isn’t looking, but he pretends he hasn’t to get John to forgive him for faking his own death.  John admits out loud that he still cares about Sherlock and forgives him.  Sherlock then laughs.  This is SOOO inappropriate, what Sherlock does here.  But we have precedence that he does do incredibly inappropriate things like at Baskerville when he drugged John, particularly when he is unsure of himself emotionally.  Subtext:  Sherlock desperately needs John’s forgiveness even though he goes about it in inappropriate ways.  It’s core to the heart of him (the bomb).  John – I said I forgive you but really, I can’t trust you.  More meta:  The bomb stops at 1:29, which is the day John met Sherlock (Jan 29th).  If the bomb is Sherlock’s heart, John’s appearance in his life stopped Sherlock from self-destructing.
  • At the end of S3.E1, Sherlock dons the silly hat and goes out to be “Sherlock Holmes”, seemingly with John Watson once again at his side.  We all can sense the “forgiveness” was poorly done—John hasn’t been given enough reason to forgive him and Sherlock is acting OOC.  Clue: it’s not resolved.  And there’s a reason for that.  If it were fully resolved for John, the wedding probably would not happen.

S3, E2: The Sign of Three

  • First a comment on the title of this episode.  It has all sorts of layers.  It’s obviously a reference to the canon story “The Sign of Four”, at the end it means John, Mary, and the baby. But I think it also means John-Mary-Sherlock. 
  • There’s a weird threesome dynamic at play throughout this episode, and I think that’s what enables the wedding to move forward.  John and Mary are in a sexual/romantic relationship, but both are including Sherlock.  Not sexually, of course.  But they are trying to include him emotionally in this relationship.  After all, Sherlock is back now and both John and Mary have accepted that Sherlock must be a part of John’s life.
  • Is this threesome functional?  Hint: It’s not.  People keep telling them that—Mycroft, Mrs. Hudson. But for most of this episode the 3 parties seem to be in denial about this fact. 
  • Now this is very, very delicate storytelling here.  Because it goes against everything they have already set up about these characters in S1 and S2.  We know Sherlock is jealous of John’s girlfriends and always manipulates John to get him back . And we know John always chooses Sherlock over women.  Now the writers are contradicting themselves hand over foot. How can the writers possibly make it work that John would marry someone else?
  • If TRF separation had not occurred, this wouldn’t be happening.  If Mary were any different – if she didn’t ‘get’ Sherlock, wasn’t smart and cheerful, and didn’t try to include him, the engagement would not have gotten too far.  That’s my opinion, but I think it’s justified by S1 and S2.
  • Also, I think this is why TEH is left ambiguous. The wedding must take place—it’s part of the story/character arc of the John/Sherlock relationship. It’s the crisis that makes things happen.
  • A quick note about crises – humans are lazy. Normally they won’t change unless they are forced to.  We saw the stalemate that John/Sherlock were in by the end of S2.  So in storytelling, it’s always crisis-resolution.  That’s how characters grow. And it takes something major to shake things up in John and Sherock’s status quo, to make them both leave their comfort zone with the bromance.  Those things are Sherlock’s death and then John’s marriage to Mary.
  • So what we have through S3.E2, TSoT, is an unnatural state of being.  A sort of limbo.  Sherlock fears he has lost John and is willing to do anything to keep John in the picture, even help John get married if that’s what John wants.  John asks Sherlock to be his best man, admitting out loud that he loves Sherlock the most next to Mary, yet he is getting married.
  • When John asks Sherlock to be his best man and tells Sherlock that he loves him, Sherlock is completely at a loss.  Subtext:  I still didn’t really comprehend how you felt about me, because I just don’t get things like that.  And John is saying:  I can admit I love you now, because I have Mary so it doesn’t mean anything. But I haven’t really forgiven you, nor will I trust you with my heart again because you broke it.  But neither can I resist seeing you. So let’s just be chums. Mary will be where I put my heart. That will keep me safe.
  • Now, again, this is delicate because we have our two main MCs acting out of character, which I think is what makes people uncomfortable with S3. John is acting like an ordinary bloke, getting married, being a doctor. Jolly good. Ho hum. That is not who John is.  And Sherlock is acting like the cheerful best friend making wedding arrangements and folding serviettes.  That’s not who Sherlock is.  So why are they acting this way?  I think the trauma of the separation runs very, very deep and they are both floundering around trying to find a way back from that, to find a new equilibrium.  But you can only 'not be yourself’ for so long.
  • During the wedding preparations, Sherlock ignores The Work to focus on wedding planning with Mary.  Subtext:  John is now more important to me than The Work so that’s not an obstacle for us being together. 
  • We also see Sherlock is a bit loss as “Sherlock Holmes”. (“I don’t even know what that means.”) He’s not as clever as before, he can’t solve cases, he misses things.  This is because emotions have infiltrated him and he is distracted, which is exactly why he always avoided emotions before.  He was right.
  • Stag night and the drunken crime scene.  During stag night, John shows clear attraction to Sherlock, flirting during the “who am I?” game. When the client shows up, she describes her 'connection’ with the 'ghost suitor’ in a way that Sherlock visibly responds to.
  • Also during the “who am I?” game, when John asks if he’s pretty, Sherlock responds by saying 'beautiful’ is a construct based on rolemodels (among other things). Sherlock’s father is like John.
  • The drunken crime scene is all about Sherlock not being Sherlock Holmes and clues about his sexual identity (homosexual).
  • Up until the very end of the wedding, we still have this illusionary threesome going on.  Sherlock is dressed like the groom. He stands in the bride-groom photo, he’s on John’s left at the head table.  John is cheerful and unconflicted.  He’s completely happy with this state of affairs – he has his safe romance and Sherlock too.  Isn’t it perfect how it all worked out! 
  • Mary tells us what’s going on in the text at Sholto’s door – she tells Sherlock that he only figures things out when the situation is critical, when the bomb is ticking down, when the gun is to the head.  That’s telling us blatantly that Sherlock is only now figuring out the solution to he and John’s relationship at the 11th hour – as John is getting married.
  • During the wedding speech, the moment of crisis, Sherlock has having an epiphany.  His epiphany is all brilliantly tied into the Mayfly Man/Sholto case.  And was brilliantly laid out in various meta referenced here.  The bottom line: Sherlock confronts his sexuality.  He does have sexual feelings, and he has them for a man—John. He is in love with John in a sexual/romantic context and he becomes conscious of this too late.  His heart  is already bleeding out, having been lethally stabbed some time ago by the invisible man, John.  And he didn’t know it until he took off his uniform (stopped being Sherlock Holmes).
  • It’s also made clear by the very end of the episode, that the illusion of a satisfactory threesome was just that—an illusion.  It cannot be John/Mary/Sherlock.  That’s not reality (John: “We can’t all three dance.”), especially since there is now a baby in the picture.  Both John and Sherlock’s intentions around this marriage are doomed to fail.
  • So at the end of S3.E2 what we have is Sherlock knowing that he’s in love with John and John being newly married with a baby on the way and his idea of having Mary and Sherlock being a disaster.  

S3, E3: His Last Vow

You can find the master post for Love and Breadcrumbs for HLV here.

Predictions for S4:

Since John and Sherlock are the primary relationship (and main plotline) in Sherlock, I assume in S4 they will reunite them–both emotionally (in terms of John really forgiving Sherlock) and physically (in terms of moving back into 221b).  I certainly hope so.  I can’t guess what they will do to resolve Mary, but it makes sense she would be removed from the picture somehow, though they are clearly playing a very long game. No idea about the baby.  That could go either way.

Longer Term

As I’ve stated before, I think this is all building up John and Sherlock as an eventual sexual/romantic couple within the series.  That’s entirely insane, yet with so many building blocks having been put into place, it’s hard to not draw that conclusion. 

* Sherlock has come to the realization that he’s gay and is in love with John (TSoT, HLV)

* John has been confirmed as having a powerful attraction to dangerous people (HLV). The stag night (TSoT) and jealousy over Irene and Janine (ASiB, HLV) and his devastation of the fall (TRF) suggests he has sexual/romantic feelings for Sherlock. Furthermore, our series expert on sexuality and 'what people like’, Irene, tells us flat out that Sherlock and John are a couple.

From here out, it’s all about the obstacles the writers put in their path.  The current big one is Mary.  Yes, they could milk it forever and come up with more and more reasons why John and Sherlock are forced to stay apart, keep up a perpetual “misunderstanding”, or go for the “gay Sherlock is pining for straight, in denial John”. Personally, all of those options sound dreary to me.  They have carefully built up Sherlock’s love and now romantic/sexual attraction to John and John’s attraction back, so one would hope they intend to go somewhere with that.

We shall see.

XA

anonymous asked:

who's john

Who’s- Who is John ???

Oh my- I can’t. Alright. Okay. It’s fine. I’ll educate you. It’s fine.

John. John Watson. John. Hamish Watson.

Well, John is- John is a doctor, semi-famous blogger, ex-military, and likes his tea without sugar. John is my best friend. John is essentially what people strive to be, but most will never amount to. He’s kind when he doesn’t have to be, listens to those who are undeserving, and works to understand when his mind wants to reject a given situation. He’s made me more human than I’ve ever felt, and shown me that lying outside the norm doesn’t necessarily have to make you a bad person. He’s humanised me, and I find that I even like it. He educates me in ways that I can’t educate myself, and that no one else would bother trying. John believed in me when no one else wanted to. Being who I am, I firmly believe that logic is applicable in all situations and should be used as such, however when it comes to the company of said John Watson, I continuously find myself failing to properly do-so and worse yet, I don’t mind.

John will listen to you when you need it and give you an honest response. He doesn’t allow himself to be held back when he truly doesn’t need it, and will never falter in regards to loyalty. He’s brutally honest, in a whole entire different sense than I am, and he isn’t afraid to stand up for himself, let alone others. Even when they may not necessarily deserve it.

He’s funny. He has a sense of humour that would be a pity to miss out on. He’s got an absurd amount of patience and comprehension for those whom no one wants to take the time to observe. He saves his judgement for when he’s got enough to make one, and is prepared to take everything someone else has to offer without heading for the hills. He met me when I was working, went with me and saw how I work, and saw how I lived and even so- despite the warnings, he decided he wanted to stay. And still did, for a long time. Longer than anybody else likely would have managed, had they not been forced by relation (that’s directed at Mycroft, for the record).

John is essentially, whole. He’s a Capricorn. His favourite colour is forest green. He’s horrible at keeping his dresser organised, and he never makes his own tea. He gets angry too quickly for his own good and at numerous occasions is completely oblivious to things flying directly over his head or in some instances- right in front of his face. He’s generous, and understanding. He’s friendly, yet also a major arsehole with a quick temper. He takes too long in the shower, and complains about football a lot when it’s on. He claims he doesn’t watch much television, but continuously would watch the same drama every week while pretending to be on his laptop at the same time, conveniently in the living room. He has strong morals, and good motives. He doesn’t like to read a lot, and gets bored. He likes classical music, more than you’d expect. He’s not a bad dancer. He’s good at flirting, and he knows it. Uses it to his advantage. He’s not bothered by his height, and he shouldn’t be; seeing as he could easily take on anyone twice his size, and has. He likes low lighting, and enjoys take-out, but would blame the lack of food in our fridge on my experiments. We both hate grocery shopping. He’s more easily embarrassed. He’s very firm, but can also be immeasurably soft. He has good taste in clothes, and he knows that, too. Don’t insult his clothes. He also likes coffee cake, but not really sweets as a whole. He’d much rather take a beer. He snores when he falls asleep on his back or in a chair. He tans nicely. He tends to leave the water running while he brushes his teeth. He does style his hair, and he likes music.

He’s both witnessed and experienced war, of multiple kinds. Endured extreme grief, isolation, and loss. Yet he remains today as steadfast as he always has been, and has never once given up. Regardless as to whether or not he wanted to.

I’ve said it before, but I’ll say it again here, where you can see it.
“John Watson is the best and bravest man I know – and on top of that he actually knows how to do stuff. [John is] the bravest and kindest and wisest human being I have ever had the good fortune of knowing.”

And for being me, that’s fairly impressive.

Love at First Sight

LIAN YU

Oliver Queen hunches over a fire, arranging the pieces of wood, stoking the flames.  He sits back on his haunches and watches the flames flicker to life, the glow of the campfire illuminating his face.  He has a makeshift camp of sorts set up nearby, but he prefers to sleep outside under the stars.

It’s not a cold night, but even if it was, he wouldn’t feel it.  He’s spent too many nights like this, and they’ve given him an armor to the elements.  He doesn’t feel it anymore.

When he returned to Starling City, he often moved to the floor halfway through the night, the bed too soft for him.  Now, he’s back, alone again on this island, his reluctant home.

He returned here, like a murderer to the scene of a crime.  He killed Oliver Queen here. Just like he killed Tommy.  The thought floats up before he can push it down.  He knows it was an accident, he knows there was nothing he could do, he was too late to save him.  And yet, he can’t help feeling like it was his fault.  Everything that happened, with his family, with Tommy, with the Undertaking…

He had stood there, on that rooftop, next to John Diggle and watched the city burn.  Because he failed it.

He did what he always did when things got hard, he ran.  He could have gone anywhere in the world, but instead, he came here.  Home.  As terrible as this place was, is, he feels more at home here than he does anywhere else.

On this island everything is stripped away.  All the comforts, the uselessness of the modern world, the noise, the people - here everything becomes simple. Survive.

Nothing else matters.

Oliver stretches out on the ground, resting his head on a forearm and contemplates the night sky.  Here in the middle of nowhere, the sky brims with stars.

He quiets, breathing in the cold air, letting the sounds of the island soothe him.  All the creatures asleep, the only sounds are the wind, and the creaking of the trees, the soft raspiness of the leaves sliding against each other.

He lets his mind wander, slices of the last year play across his memory.  Some good, some bad.  He’s spent many nights replaying the  last year.  Trying to make sense of the events surrounding his return to Starling. 

He thinks of his family, Moira plotting, Thea lost.  And Tommy.  Of Tommy lying bleeding in the rubble, dying.  He tries not to think about it, but he can’t forget how Tommy looked at him and called him a murderer. 

He shakes his head, as if he can physically shake off the memories.

Tommy knew him better than almost anyone, and he’s gone.

Oliver’s mind wanders again, and he thinks of John Diggle. His friendship was one of the only good things that came out of the last year.  Well, not the only good thing.

This train of thought always seems to terminate at the same place.  Felicity.

He whispers the name out loud, letting the syllables roll around his tongue. Fe-li-ci-ty.  He can see her in his minds eye.  Her glasses, her ponytail.  Her fluttery hand gestures.  The way she looks right through him, right into him so that he feels exposed.  He had to admit, that he spent a great deal of time thinking about her.  She was a puzzle to him.  She was unlike any woman he had ever met.  So smart, it unnerved him that he couldn’t charm her into submission.

She asked him once if she could trust him, and he said yes.  And the minute the words came out of his mouth, he knew he HAD to mean them.  That he desperately needed her to trust him, but more than that he knew unequivocally that he trusted her.  That moment is when he realized he was going to tell her his secret.

He thought about her now, her strength, her bravery, her loyalty, she was really unlike anyone he had ever met before.

He wasn’t in love with her.  She was his friend.  His first friend that he hadn’t tried to have sex with, not that–he stops himself.  No, don’t go there.  She is very pretty.   No, that’s not the right word he thinks.  She is stunningly beautiful.  
He smiles bemusedly.  She is so weird.  She is smart, and funny and quirky and somehow, what she thinks of him matters a great deal to him.  When did that happen?  He thinks about that night of the Undertaking when she refused to leave.  What made her so brave?  She was scared.  He could tell, but she stayed. 

She was a mystery to him.  Why is he spending so much mental energy thinking about this tiny blonde girl?  With that bright pink lipstick…lips.  Stop it.  He’s not falling for her.

The first time he saw her, she was this funny perceptive person that made him smile, it wasn’t love at first sight.  But you liked her.  The thought whispers to him.  Didn’t you?  You liked her a lot.

It wasn’t love at first sight.  He thinks stubbornly.  It’s not like he wanted to pounce on her and take her right there.

It wasn’t love at first sight.

And then unbidden it rises up inside him, snaking its way to the surface…Wasn’t it?

He sighs in frustration.  Rolling to his side and facing the flames, her face floating in front of him.  Weirdly, thinking about her made him feel better.  It made him forget for a little while.  He closes his eyes, falling asleep, thinking about pink lipstick, glasses, and a blonde ponytail.

Came into Fanmail:

Question for the admins. I want other people’s opinions on this, do you think Jeffrey Dean Morgan would return for the series finale if asked? How would you guys feel about that?

Admin C: For sure! I wouldn’t want them to force it just for the sake of having him there, but if there were a natural path in the storytelling to add him back in, I’d be happy to see the character return. I think JDM is really pleased to be playing Negan at the moment, but it seems like he’s still pretty attached enough to John that he’d be happy to return.

Admin S: I think JDM would definitely come for the series finale, if asked and if he is not in the middle of another project. I think John’s character adds so much to the dynamic of the Winchesters. Even in the episode “In the Beginning” when the boys traveled back in time to save their parent, you see a complete difference in posture when the boys encounter a young John. In the S2 finale when the boys get saved by John’s ghost, yet again there is some kind of bonding between the boys and their dad as he saves them from Azazel. I would be happy to have him back and hope he does return at some point.

Admin L: oh absolutely! JDM’s been so encouraging of SPN, despite not being in it for such a long time. Like S said, John brings in a completely new familial dynamic to the show. I’ve always felt that the writers portray John in an ambiguous way, so I’m always left feeling unsure about him. I’d love to see JDM come back and add to the character he portrayed back in season 1!

Jensen as well as other cast members mentioned wanting his return because of the chemistry back during the 200th episode premiere, but said it was probably not going to happen (x). So who knows if things have changed since then as Mary has now been added to the cast. I guess the answer is…

Hear me out on this idea for Supernatural's series finale

What if Supernatural ended like this:

So remember in Season 2 when Dean was on his death bed and John made a deal with Azazel to save Dean but in returned he has to die? Well before he dies, he whispers to Dean something along the lines of “one day you’re gonna have to kill Sam”. I’m pretty sure Dean hasn’t attempted to kill Sam yet….probably in his mind he’s thought about it. 

Anyway, fast forward to Season 5 when Dean was sent into the future and he comes across Sam possessed by Lucifer. Lucifer tells Dean that no matter what he does they’ll always end up there. Which as of right now it looks like they’re heading in that direction. Dean is a demon but to cure him maybe Sam needs help from Lucifer and in return of turning Dean back to human Sam has to give Lucifer permission to possess him so Sam does.

So they end up to the year where everything is crap and Sam is possesed. Lucifer is causing chaos everywhere and the only way to stop him is to kill him but by killing him thats killing Sam too. So around the series finale Dean is fighting Lucifer and it isnt working out. Nothing is working and then when things about to turn for the worse Sam uses what strength he has to overpower lucifer and he tells Dean to him now. He has Lucifer trapped within him and that hes alright with Dean killing him. They have a brotherly moment and Dean kills Sam. 

Hopefully at this point Cas is still alive and the last scene of the show shows Dean placing photos of John, Mary and Sam on the sun visor and he shuts the Impala door. He looks to his right to see Cas looking over some newspaper and Dean says “some guy in Maine was found with bite marks on his neck and a good amount of blood missing” and Cas replies with “vampire sounds like it, lets go gank them” and he smiles at Dean and they drive off with Carry On My Wayward Son in the background and the screen goes black.

Like seriously what if it ends like that?!?! I gave myself feels because of this ._.