and we'll find a way

Basically, This is Basically What Every Dr. Phil Episode is Basically Like Basically
  • Dr. Phil: Hello, I am Doctor Philip, and today we'll be tackling an issue that is very widespread, but rarely spoken about. Gaming addiction. Now, I know many of you know at least one person in your life who plays video games, whether that be a child or, in some cases, a spouse.
  • Audience: *laughs*
  • Dr. Phil: But, when unregulated, gaming can lead to serious addiction. Today I have with me a mother who's home life has been torn apart as her very own son descended into gaming addiction.
  • Mother: *sniffing and wiping tears away* Hello, doctor. Will you cure my son?
  • Dr. Phil: Well, dear, that's... uhh. Let's just bring the boy out already.
  • *dramatic music plays*
  • Gamer: My name is Gregg, I'm 19 years old, I'm a gaming addict, and I don't give a f*ck.
  • Audience: *gasps*
  • Gamer: Yeah, I game for 19 to 20 hours a day and the other four hours I use for looking up sick gaming strats or beating it to anime porn. I once sucked off a dude because he offered me minecraft diamonds. I don't give a sh*t, I would've sucked him off even if he didn't have the diamonds.
  • Audience: *gasps louder*
  • Gamer: Do I hate women? Yes, I hate women. I've emailed Anita Sarkeesian my address. She knows where I am if she wants to fight me. Feminists, square the fuck up. People always ask why I don't do anything other than gaming. I ask them why don't they mind their own f*cking business. I don't think I have a problem. Dr. Phil can honestly eat my whole an*s.
  • Gamer: *walks out onto the stage*
  • Audience: *boos*
  • Gamer: F*ck all y'all! I don't give a f*ck! *flips off the audience*
  • Dr. Phil: Please take a seat, son.
  • Gamer: *sits very disrespectfully*
  • Mother: *starts bawling*
  • Dr. Phil: Son, do you think that was acceptable behavior?
  • Gamer: The only behavior I care about is the behavioral patterns for enemies in the S.T.A.L.K.E.R. series. I love video games: Master chief, Mario, uhm, Blinx the Cat... Blasto. Love those guys!
  • Audience: *boos*
  • Gamer: I don't care! You think I care! F*ck all y'all!
  • Dr. Phil: All these people are booing you, doesn't that make you feel bad?
  • Gamer: Are you deaf? Have I not articulated the fact that I absolutely 100% do not care about anything except for video games? I. DON'T. GIVE. A. F*CK.
  • Mother: He's always like this, there's no changing him. It didn't used to be this way... just *starts bawling harder*
  • Dr. Phil: I think there is a way to change him, and we'll find out more about that after these messages.
  • *Dr. Phil theme plays*
  • *The lights dim and every goes empty eyed and slack-jawed*
  • Gamer: Heh, this is weird. *nudges mom and whispers to her* Hey, we're getting paid for this, right. Hey, mom? ...Mom?
  • Mother: *completely unresponsive*
  • Dr. Phil: *completely unresponsive*
  • Audience: *completely unresponsive*
  • Gamer: Heh... this is REALLY weird. *looks around nervously*
  • Audience member: Hey!
  • Gamer: Huh?
  • Audience Member: I'm in the audience! Over here! My arms are strapped to the chair! You have to help me!
  • Gamer: *runs to the audience member*
  • Audience Member: Thank god, I thought I was the only one here left with any brains.
  • Gamer: *hastily undoing the straps* What the fuck is going on?
  • Audience Member: I don't know, but this definitely isn't Dr. Phil's show.
  • Gamer: Then what is it?
  • Audience Member: No clue, but we have to get out of here before the commercial breaks ends.
  • Gamer: *successfully undoes the straps*
  • Audience Member: C'mon! Let's go. *grabs the gamer by the arm*
  • Gamer: *resists* Wait a fucking minute. Why am I supposed to trust you?
  • Audience Member: Because I'm normal and everyone else is braindead if you haven't noticed.
  • Gamer: Yeah, but I'm not going anywhere until I know what's going on. Being on Dr. Phil is a huge opportunity for me to, y'know, advertise my brand. I'm a gamer if you haven't noticed.
  • Audience Member: Are you insane? Have you had a look around you? Does this anything happening right now seem normal to you? Who cares about your "brand". Do you even remember how you got here?
  • Gamer: Well... now that you mention, I can't really remember exactly.
  • Audience Member: Yeah, now let's get the fuck out of here.
  • *the gamer and audience member run through the back exit into the hallways*
  • *the Dr. Phil theme blares as the show returns from commercial break*
  • Gamer: My ears!
  • Audience Member: Move it! *jerks gamer's arm*
  • Gamer: Okay, calm down.
  • *the entire audience screams in unison*
  • Gamer: What the fuck is that!?
  • Audience Member: It's the reason we're running! Quick, in here!
  • *the duo duck into a cramped broom closest*
  • Gamer: Listen, you have to tell me what the fuck is going on right now!
  • Audience Member: Shh.
  • Gamer: Don't shush me!
  • Audience Member: *covers the gamer's mouth*
  • *agonized screaming and violently rumbling passes by the broom closest*
  • Gamer: Holy shit!
  • Audience Member: Stop yelling.
  • Gamer: How can I not yell when it sounds the gates of hell just passed by us!
  • Audience Member: You want it to turn back around and find us?
  • Gamer: Alright. I'll calm down... I'll. *start sobbing*
  • Audience Member: Please, please stop crying. You're too loud.
  • Gamer: I can't! I'm under a lot of stress!
  • Audience Member: You'll be dead if you don't shut the fuck.
  • Gamer: I never wanted any of this, I just wanted to go on Dr. Phil so people would recognize me on YouTube and I could become a popular Let's Player!
  • Audience Member: If you don't shut up right now, I'll-
  • *a snake bites the audience member's neck*
  • Audience Member: *eyes roll up*
  • Gamer: *screams like a baby*
  • *snakes slither under the closet door*
  • Gamer: *stumbles out of the closet and falls into hallway covered with snakes* Fuck me! Fuck me!
  • Gamer: *attempts to run away but falls beneath the snakes and into and empty void*
  • *agonized screaming echoes from all around*
  • Gamer: Am I in hell? I have to be in hell. You don't fall through a pool of snakes and wind up anywhere else but hell.
  • Dr. Phil: THERE IS NO HELL.
  • Gamer: Doc, is that you? If this isn't hell then where am I?
  • Dr. Phil: YOU'RE IN MY REALM SON. *Dr. Phil's face appears glowing in the distance, his eyes are empty sockets and his mouth hangs open*
  • Gamer: What the fuck are you?
  • Dr. Phil: I'M DOCTOR PHILIP.
  • Gamer: You're not Dr. Phil!
  • Dr. Phil: I NEVER SAID I WAS, SON. *a wall of gray human bodies lights up surrounding Dr. Phil's massive head, dr. phil's giant snake body slithers towards the gamer and opens its third eye* I'M DOCTOR PHILIP.
  • *the wall of bodies screams in unison as Dr. Phil devours the gamer*
  • *Dr. Phil theme plays loudly*
  • Dr. Phil: THE NEXT EPISODE IS STARTING. I'M LATE. *slithers into the wall of bodies and his snake body slowly transforms into a normal Dr. Phil's body*
  • Dr. Phil: *crawls onto the stage*
  • Dr. Phil: *dusts himself off* Woo, I went on quite an adventure.
  • Audience: *laughs*
  • Dr. Phil: I'm glad we can all find some time in our lives to laugh, but today's episode is covering something that is most certainly not a laughing matter. It's one of the most serious addictions striking America today and it's rarely talked about. I'm talking about people who love to pee on their mattresses and then pay people exorbitant amounts of money to suck their disgusting mattresses clean.
  • Audience: ... *someone clears their throat*
  • Dr. Phil: What's the matter?
  • Cameraguy: Spsss, Doc. That's not what the episode is about. It's about people with terrible gambling issues.
  • Dr. Phil: Oh, ah, fuck! Cut to commercial!
  • Naruto: Sasuke, I wish I could fuck you but I'm married and I am not into cheating
  • Sasuke: Naruto...
  • Naruto: I know, it's hard for you because you want me with all your guts but believe me we'll find a way
  • Sasuke: Naruto! We are married! I am your husband! You can fuck me any time?! What is wrong with you?!
  • Naruto: I just love to hear that
  • lars: gems, you have to go back to earth!
  • the off-colours: no, weve only just met you and we dont have the history you two do but we want to make sure youre safe and not lonely, even if it means potentially being captured and shattered. we'll find another way, and we'll do it together
  • lars: steven, you have to go back to earth!
  • steven: ok bye!
  • Jongin: Kyungsoo,i wish i could fuck you but im married and not into cheating
  • Kyungsoo: Jongin...
  • Jongin: i know it's hard for you because you want me sooo bad
  • Kyungsoo: Jongin Whaa--
  • Jongin: But believe me we'll find a way
  • Kyungsoo: Wh-
  • Jongin: Really
  • Kyungsoo: WHAT THE FUCK JONGIN,WE ARE MARRIED,YOU CAN FUCK ME WHENEVER AND WHEREVER YOU WANT..WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU ?!?
  • Jongin: Mhm...i juST LOVE TO HEAR THAT
2
Somewhere...
  • SNK anime director: Come in.
  • Tanaka Mondai (staff): Boss! We have a problem! He did it again! More interaction between Eren and Armin!
  • SNK anime director: That bad?
  • Tanaka Mondai: Very bad! They exchanged looks with a hand on the shoulder! In Public!!! And implicit "Eren can't stand losing Armin"!
  • SNK anime director: Oh, no... Any more?
  • Tanaka Mondai: Comforting... Side by side... and... the ocean!
  • SNK anime director: Oh, no... Well... well...we... we'll find a way to show Levi there... Don't worry.
  • Tanaka Mondai: Yes, yes... We're good at it... But I don't understand why Isayama-sensei keep showing this heterosexual never ever romatic friendship like that.
  • SNK anime director: Me neither, so many pages without Levi, what a waste... Thanks goodness the fandom is smart enough to see that is just a good friendship... The fandom is always smart.
THE SIGNS LOST TOGETHER
  • Aries: "Maybe we should split up. Me and Gemini will go-" *Points at map at random* "Here."
  • Taurus: "Nah. I think I'll stay here. Text me some updates."
  • Gemini: *Sitting in the corner with an attitude*
  • Cancer: *crying* "What are you guys DOING? We'll never find our way!"
  • Leo: "Everyone just chill. I'll use the map to find the way."
  • Virgo: "No need, I'll use the GPS on my phone." *Looks down* "Welp. My phone's dead."
  • Libra: "Guys chill. When life gives you lemons you-"
  • Scorpio: "Shut up Libra. We're in the middle of nowhere. I hate all of you."
  • Sagittarius: "Just enjoy the circumstances for right now. We'll make it out alive, probably."
  • Capricorn: "This is all of your faults! If you'd have listened to me we wouldn't be in this mess."
  • Aquarius: "We should start planning ahead, we're going to get hungry at some point. We should all take a vote of who we'll eat. I vote Pisces."
  • Pisces: *Rocking back and forth and sobbing*
Steven Universe Theme Rewrite
  • Hunk: If you're evil and you're on the rise, you can count on the five of us taking you down. 'Cuz we're good and evil never beats us. We'll win the fight and go in for space goo!
  • Shiro: We are the paladins. We'll always save the day, and if you think we can't, we'll always find a way! That's why the people of this world believes in Shiro, Klance, and Pidge, and Hunk!
  • Allura: If you could only know what you really are, when you arrived with me, from far away from here. We were amazed to find your beauty and your worth. You will protect our kind and you will protect your Earth. You will protect your Earth! And you will protect us!
  • Klance: We will fight for the place we are free, to live together and exist as we!
  • Pidge: I will fight in the name of Matt Holt, and everything that he believed in!
  • Shiro: I will fight for the world I was made in, the Earth is everything I've ever known!
  • Hunk: I will fight to be everything that everybody wants me to be when I'm grown!
  • Paladins: The odds are against us, this won't be easy but we're not going to do it alone!
  • Paladins: We are the-
  • Hunk: Paladins!
  • Paladins: We'll always save the day!
  • Lance: And if you think we can't we'll-
  • Paladins: Always find a way! That's why the people of this world believes in.
  • Shiro: Shiro!
  • Klance: Klance!
  • Pidge: And Pidge!
  • Hunk: And Hunk!
  • Nigel: We...
  • Kuki, Abby, and Hoagie: Are the Kids Next-
  • Wally: Door!
  • All: We'll always save the day!
  • Wally: And if you think we can't, we'll...
  • All: Always find a way!
  • Abby: That's why the people...
  • All: Of this world...
  • Abby: Believe in... Abby!
  • Nigel: Nigel!
  • Kuki: Kuki!
  • Hoagie: And Hoagie...
  • Wally: And Wally!
  • NATURE: "milk goes bad if you don't use it right away."
  • HUMANS: "then we'll just have to find a thousand different ways to make it go bad on purpose and deliciously!"