You win some, you lose some.
So we went out today. Things were so good until they went down the shitter.
We met up and grabbed breakfast. We ate in the car and talked and sat cross-legged and laughed. I told him that I couldn’t sleep because I was anxious and excited to see him today. He told me that he felt the exact same way. He said that it was weird having me in his car. I laughed and asked why.
“Well, I’ve never had you in my car before. Actually, I’ve never had a student in my car before.”
We drove back to his house to grab a frisbee. We went to the park and took a walk. We stopped by the dog park and watched the dogs play. He couldn’t stop laughing at how excited I got about the dogs. There was a flagpole – I asked him how big he thought the flag was. We ran and tried to draw out the shape of the flag in the grass. Both of us are really good at frisbee, so we played until we got tired and lied down in the sun to drink some water and talk. I got a lot of grass and burrs in my hair, so he combed through it with his fingers to get it out. He told me that he can’t stop thinking about “my” scent and that he’s acutely aware of how beautiful I smell. We talked about what we would do for the rest of the day
We moved to a shady picnic table and lied down on either seat and looked at the sky. I told him to be silent so that we could listen to all the sounds that we’re too busy to hear because we’re either thinking too hard or talking too loud. My mother called and asked where I was. I lied to her and said I was at a friend’s house. Then that friend of mine texted me.
I’m coming over. It read.
My heart stopped. My face sank. Shit, shit, shit, shit.
No. I sent desperately. Tears pushed at the back of my eyes. J could sense my shift and asked what was wrong. I told him to just wait.
She knows about my feelings for J and doesn’t approve. If she showed up at my house looking for me, my parents would absolutely know that I was lying. I’d be fucked from all directions. I had to think. And fast.
I’m still trying to sleep. I’ll call you in a bit and you can come then.
I need to write my research paper – my internet is down.
I’ll call you, okay?
I explained the situation to J. He immediately got up, and we started walking back to his car. “It’s okay” he kept repeating. I couldn’t think straight. He didn’t say anything and slipped his arm around my waist and pulled me close to him. I wrapped my arm around his torso, and we walked like that. He rubbed his index finger gently back and forth across my waist. I wanted to melt and cry all at the same time. He was so warm.
“This is nice” He whispered.
“It is” I smiled weakly up at him.
“Today was supposed to be perfect.”
We got in the car and started driving back to his house. “It’s okay.” He said again. “Not it’s not.” I mumbled.
“I know. I’m so much more upset than I’m saying, but I’m going to keep saying that it’s okay. I don’t think we’re going to get the chance to do anything like this again.”
“Life is such a bitch.”
“Life is a bitch. In so many ways.” His voice got sad. “In so many ways”
“Ha” I laughed bitterly “I can think of 6 off the top of my head”
We got to my car. We got out and hugged for the longest time. He rested his cheek on top of my head and rubbed my back. I held him so tightly and dragged my fingertips across his. We pulled apart and looked at one another. We parted.
He had to run an errand down near where I live, so I just drove behind him towards the highway. I got a text.
My wifi is working.
I waved frantically at him out my window. We hit a red light and he got out of his car and ran over to mine.
“Her wifi is working!” I yelled. I couldn’t have been more happy. “Get back in your fucking car!” I laughed.
Another text: Just kidding.
We ended up pulling to the side of the road, and I decided that I would just go home. We drove next to one another almost the whole way and made stupid faces at each other the whole way. The day got cut so, so short, but the beginning half was so perfect. I can’t remember the last time I’ve been so happy. Fuck…here come the water works.
It was beautiful while it lasted. I wanted to hold his hand in the car but I was afraid.