and we know how strong and important those beliefs are for him

Okay I thought of something and it made me emo so I wanted to share it with you guys too so we can be emo together (that’s what skamily is for) 

You remember this? (well of course you do) 

well this clip just made me realise that this, everything Even is telling Isak that will happen isn’t just something that he thinks will happen because he is depressed. He believes it, because it’s happened before. It has happened with his friends whom he loved so much. 

We don’t know what happened but it is something so bad that not only hurt balloon squad but made Even think they hate him, made Even hate himself and that’s why he was so sure he would always be alone before Isak. Why he thought all he did was ruin things. Because he has before. He has lost everything before. and now it’s threatening to come back and haunt him and he is flipping terrified that whatever he did that was so bad to lose all the people he loves and trust, will take away the one person he loves and trusts now.


This clip broke my heart, because this face? it reminds me of the clip above. All the shame, self-hate, resentment at whatever led to him losing his friends. This face shows just how much he still truly believes that he hurt all his friends enough for them to hate him. He believes it so much that he continues to hate himself for everything he can’t change. He is so ashamed, so terrified of everything that went down with bakka and his closest friends to come back and destroy everything he has built between him and that incident. ugh it’s just. I feel like this clip and this entire storyline is so damn important because it’s proving that everything we saw with Even at the end of s3 hasn’t gone away just because Isak loves him. 

His self hate? the pain, this belief that he doesn’t deserve anyone because he just hurts them and ruins everything? ah god it’s still there and it always will be until he faces everything that created it. And so the bakka storyline is coming up to maybe hopefully push Even in the right direction of healing and finally self love and acceptance because that is what skam is about. 

dealing with everything you are ashamed of about yourself and finding love and acceptance within yourself. For Even that is no longer being ashamed of his past and his illness but accepting that it is a part of him and his story and he is even more strong, beautiful and compassionate because of it. He shouldn’t hate himself for things out of his control, and he shouldn’t be terrified of losing people he loves because of it. He is kind, smart, beautiful, and loved. his illness doesn’t define him. This is everything I wanted from an Even season, and just maybe we’re gonna get it. 

just maybe we’re gonna get to watch someone teach us how to love and accept ourselves again. 

I hope so

Also the fact that he asked about the boys made me want to cry because he so clearly misses them so much and he said it in such a,….sad way? I just I can’t. 

Especially when the boys reaction to Even’s name was this

I just… I want to protect my baby and take away his pain and worries. He still thinks that he is capable of hurting and losing Isak and I truly feel like those feelings are connected to the Balloon squad, who are connected to Sana who is our beautiful main. And that is how we are going to get Even’s self acceptance story after all. 

I’m sorry I told you this was emo. 

How yoi plays with sports story scheme

I was wondering recently why Yuri on Ice seemed to be so different and fresh to me and why so many people get so emotionally engaged with it. There is definitely a nice animation and great characters and representation and such a beautiful love story but I felt like there was something in the narration layer that I couldn’t name until I compared yoi storyline to the most common schemes.

When you look at most of the pop cultural stories, especially those where main plot focuses on sport, you’ll see that there is that one scheme they all follow - you have a hero who has talent but lacks something (like a good mentor or hard work or confidence), he finds a motivation to win (it may be anything from parent’s death to wish to impress a girl) and he finds a dedicated coach, he trains, he loses, he learns something about himself, he wins, he gets an award. This is the basic way of constructing such stories and it’s catchy because we all want to believe that we are able to fight our weaknesses and win by ourselves. You may modify this scheme to a large extent but the main core will always be a single hero who needs to grow in order to win and actually I think that this scheme is present in Yuri on Ice but in Yurio’s not Yuuri’s story. Yurio has talent, lacks hard work and needs to learn something about himself, his skate-off with Yuuri gives him a motivation to win, he trains hard, he loses, he grows, he wins. This doesn’t make his story or his character less interesting but I wanted to give you an example of what am I talking about so I could compare it to Yuuri’s story.

So now, where is Yuuri’s plot different you could say. Well, in a way you could find all those elements in Yuuri’s story too but his development is where it all turns to be innovative. You see in the basic scheme the hero needs to learn to win by himself while Yuuri has got to that point a long time ago. He had all of that: his motivation, his hard work, most of his abilities, his own strength before he met Victor. He was fighting by himself for five years before and even if his anxiety makes him look like a weak loser it is obvious he is already beyond that “learning about myself” phase. Even this confidence Victor helps him to find he already had just hidden. Yuuri knows his emotions and some of his strengths and most of the weak points himself and either he wins or loses those minor competitions it doesn’t change him too deeply. But what Victor gives him is the belief that he doesn’t have to fight by himself anymore. Not in a “you can learn from other people” or “teamwork is important” kind of way (’cause they are still used in most of the stories) but in acknowledging that you may become better if you let someone close to you (this lesson applies to Victor to btw but he is not the main hero so I’ll skip this part). 

I won’t say this reverses the scheme completely as this is still some kind of personal development that helps to win (though the fact that Yuuri does not finally win is interesting by itself) but it definitely changes the subtext of the whole story.  We like stories about heroes fighting by themselves because we often struggle with our problems alone and we need to believe me can do it. But Yuri on Ice gives us the idea that thought you are strong enough to fight maybe you don’t have to fight alone at all. I guess this is why it has such a great emotional impact because in a world that tells you all the time that it’s only for you to win the story of someone who still needed help even if he already was strong and beautiful is really hopeful, positive and in a way more realistic then the basic “hero can only win by himself” scheme. 

There is also the whole layer of how Victor doesn’t fit to the standard portrayal of a mentor figure but I think this is quite easy to spot and maybe let’s not make this longer than it has to be but the last quick reflection I had is that the most common way of portraying romantic relationships in the sports stories is either when the hero needs to sacrifice his relationship in order to focus (which is the trope I personally hate) or when he wins the attention of his love interest by winning the final competition (so the love is somehow a reward then). What is great in Yuuri and Victor’s relationship is how Yuuri doesn’t have to win to prove his worth to Victor. Almost from the beginning, Victor knows Yuuri’s flaws and he falls for him anyway. So Yuuri is not only given support that helps him to become better but also he doesn’t need to earn that support. Which I think again is quite moving because everyone dreams of this kind of relationship. We are all scared that we are not good enough to let someone help us in the first place and this is where yoi tells us it doesn’t have to be this way.

I’m sure there are much more tropes that are reversed in yoi and there is the whole narration layer that is also quite original but as storytelling is what I have the most experience with I decided to focus on this aspect only. And I may be wrong I just like to find and discuss narration schemes so please argue if you disagree but I love the fact that even when yoi takes those basic narration schemes it uses it to send a very positive message across and for me it could be a reason why there is such an enthusiastic fandom around it - because this anime exchanges the story of fighting alone for a story about growing in a relationship though it does not change a sports story for a cheaply romantic one.

Film Analysis: The Themes of Wonder Woman

Source: Warner Bros. Pictures

I know I pretty much never deviate from SU but I really loved the latest Wonder Woman film. I just wanted to do a brief analysis because I feel like there are so many themes to unpack in the film (so there’ll be spoilers) and I was pleasantly surprised by the way things turned out. 

I’ll be using images only from the official trailer WB posted on their YouTube channel though, in case you happen to scroll past and don’t want to see anything yet.

This post doesn’t feel like the appropriate avenue to talk about the cast, the sets, music, and colours, so I’ll be focusing on the film itself, particularly on the story. I enjoyed all the other things about the movie but won’t go into them here.

1. Diana of Themyscira 

Source: WBP

Before any other character in DC and now the DCEU, I read and watched Wonder Woman. One thing I’d like to point out is how the story doesn’t shy away from her god-heritage and how that dictates her interactions with others. In fact, one pertinent lens to view this film is that of self-discovery.

Diana doesn’t know she’s god. Throughout the story she believes that she is as capable as any other Amazon (I really liked the Amazons, but maybe another post). She believes she’s equal in capacity and potential. I think this is an important thing to note. Diana didn’t go into war, looking for Ares, certain she was stronger than any other member of Themyscira. She left her home not because of a conviction that only she could do the task but because she believed it was the right thing to do. In her eyes, her mother and the other Amazons just didn’t see the value in entering human affairs the way she did. That was all. 

What I appreciated was that she went on her “hero’s journey” not out of a sense of duty as the only one who could do it, but precisely because anyone could go and help put a stop to the fighting. It then was not a question of who was most worthy, which is a question that excludes, but a question of who believed in this cause.

That agency is important in the story, as many heroes’ journeys often begin with a powerful force that pushes the hero to step up. In this case, she could have remained in her insular life, but she decided to step out of the comfort of the island and into a world she’s repeatedly been told does not deserve her.

In that regard, Diana knows what’s waiting for her will be difficult and fulfilling her objective will be a struggle. That struggle extends beyond the fighting, as even walking down the street is an issue for her.

And these “issues” are laden with our concept of heteronormativity. We’re talking about the early 1900s and perceptions of women at the time were brought up again and again. How she should act, speak, and dress are all moments that were presented with a tension that rubs up against our current understanding of equality. For instance, that a session could no longer be held because a woman entered the room is the kind of dissonance that I feel was intended to come off as laughable, because decades later the idea of perpetuating the same attitude is absurd (and very inefficient). In the same way, I feel it calls to attention present and more subtle forms of bias that the film hopes we grow to see as equally absurd to perpetuate.

Source: WBP

Diana is presented as a character of depth. She is exceptionally strong, learned, and yet feels like a believable character because she is also prideful, flawed, funny, and naive. It’s a good proof as to why realistic movies don’t have to be “gritty” per se. Grit isn’t the magical ingredient; it’s grounding. And in her struggles to understand those around her as well as understand herself, the movements of the micro story are embedded and woven into a huge historical narrative, that of the Great War. 

And I think that’s where we feel all our individual stories are. We are at once absorbed in the primacy of our own lives while living in the tumult of the world at large. Navigating both the personal and the global is the daily struggle. 

Despite all of these struggles, both the physical fighting and the social tension, Diana stays true to her convictions about who she is and what she aims to do. Those beliefs can change, especially in light of new knowledge, which is what does happen in the film as she learns more about Sameer, Charlie, and Chief, but there is a Diana who remains. 

“I am Diana, Princess of Themyscira,” she says in the film. Her commitment to an identity of which she isn’t even fully aware is striking, and that message is empowering to any viewer. 

Because of this, the “reveal” of her godhood does not seem like an upheaval of her character. It is a part of Diana, but it doesn’t exclusively define her. In fact, as she knows more about herself, of which being a god is only a part, the more she is able to succeed. At the climax of the film, it is when Diana declares she fights for love and peace that she is able to muster up the strength to defeat Ares. 

2. Her relationship with Steve

Source: WBP

From the onset, Diana is presented as the protagonist of the film. There is no question. Her first interaction with Steve is her saving him from drowning. Then, she walks in on him immediately after he bathes. Then after they leave the island, she makes it clear that she knows about “the pleasures of the flesh” and just doesn’t believe that having two people sleep beside each other is going to lead to anything if they don’t want it to.

In the earlier parts of the film, their interactions were presented with vulnerability on Steve’s part (danger, nakedness, fear), but we begin to see it in all the characters as the movie progresses. Moreover, we see how they deal with their vulnerability. Steve is a cynic, and this underlies the way he acts.

Steve isn’t a one-note character though. He is complex and has stories implied about him. He is able to think quickly and hold his own in all the situations they’ve been placed. And his occupation as a spy does seem to hit very close to the theme of self-discovery taken by Diana’s character. As a spy, Steve holds on to his core identity and plays with the characters he assumes, never losing sight of who he is. As such, we have two characters very different, but also very similar. 

On the other hand, Diana isn’t presented as a character with gaps to fill (in the form of Steve). Rather, she’s a complete individual on her own, which is what makes her decision to love Steve more significant. It isn’t a decision of necessity, but similar to her deciding on taking the hero’s journey, it is a matter of choice.

The romance in the film feels organic in progression. I think it should be noted that the threat of death and the war ahead may have provided an adrenaline rush that propelled their romance forward, but even without taking it into consideration, they had a very intimate platonic relationship prior that could have believably developed towards the romantic. And again, for Steve’s character as well, it was a choice.

I enjoyed the contrast of Diana’s frankness and Steve’s truly trying to be inconspicuous and subtle in all his affairs. By the end of the film, both had begun to take up the better traits in the other. It is especially marked in Steve as he’d begun to trust Diana and open up about himself a little more.

3. The “Villain” 

Source: WBP

A lot of people I know found the “villain” Ares to be lacklustre, and the ending cheesy. I disagree because systemic issues and human nature are my favourite things to explore in media, particularly media created for popular consumption. 

Very explicitly it’s said in the film that we can’t all point our fingers to one “bad guy.” There is no one reason for war, inequality, poverty, and all of the injustice that we see in the world. There are many people who, and entire societies that orchestrate, execute, and then perpetuate the injustices that plague people even today. Tyrants don’t rise overnight (and they hadn’t in history either). This isn’t the first film to show this, and I hope it isn’t the last. 

I really liked how the film pointed out that systemic and systematic injustice exists. There are specific people who do things that are deplorable, but there are also systems that enable them, and I think that is the takeaway from this theme.

I also applaud the look that was given Ares. Instead of the stereotypical villain, who is bigger, more violent, and appears more physically powerful than the protagonist, we have someone who looks unassuming but is infinitely powerful. We don’t see the usual male villain who is really muscular and that becomes the focal point of his villainy. Instead, we have someone manipulative and powerful in a different way. Instead of the traditional god of war who brawls, we have someone equally powerful but more tempered in that power, and it’s the mark of someone who really has lost everything and everyone and now just wants to start over.

Striking also is how all of the characters talk about the war as “The war to end all wars.” That was the honest sentiment of people during the First World War. Operative term here being “first.” That there were more wars that followed really speaks of how those systems and ideologies lived on after the people who instigated the conflict. And situated in the context of all those who died and lost everything, it seems callous that we would keep fighting one another and causing more destruction. But it is something that’s been done and is now etched forever in history. 

The non-violent message features rather heavily in the film’s climax. When Diana fights Ares, the first thing to go is her sword, the one she believed was the god-killer. The sword is a classic symbol of violence, conflict, and war, and it was destroyed almost immediately. It’s interesting because she clung to that weapon throughout the film, and it gave her faith in her own abilities.

In the end, it is not brute force that will stop the existing brute force. Diana herself put a stop to Ares. It was what emanated from her that destroyed the embodiment of violence. 

In that regard, it is the individual who has to decide not to give in to the temptation of furthering violence and injustice. After all, Ares’ main role in the film was to tempt. That was exactly what he did to Diana and she resisted.

4. The role of Dr. Poison

Source: WBP

Isabel Maru had such a presence in the film, even though she didn’t feature on the screen as often as did the other characters. Back in London, they deemed her the greatest threat. They were setting out specifically to destroy her laboratory. 

I find her character very interesting because we get the faintest sign of a backstory from her and it’s still all very coherent. Her file reveals that she didn’t always have an injury on her face, and based on her interactions with Ludendorff and later, Steve, she’s searching for acceptance and affirmation. There is a subtle manipulation that goes into convincing her to continue creating poisons and chemical weapons.

Even among enemy lines, there is a struggle for her not to be infantilised and patronised, or to be viewed only as a woman in the case of her interaction with Steve. Especially in the latter scene, Isabel is fully aware of this and explicitly tells him she knows. She may not have been pulling all the strings, but she was presented from the beginning as a strong secondary character to the main enemy.

Diana was able to defeat Ludendorff relatively easily, but Maru had survived until the end of the film and was in the climax. What Ares tempted Diana to do was destroy Dr. Poison, and Diana let her go.

In depth: Throughout the movie, Diana was never directly pitted against her. The former’s goal was always to remove Ares in the form of Ludendorff. Then suddenly, close to the end, Ares pits the two women against each other (It’s all a very familiar story). Diana chooses not to perpetuate the cycle of killing and violence that characterises the pasts of so many of the other characters.

5. What it leaves us

Source: WBP

One emergent theme from the film that we get is a loss of innocence. At first, Diana is idealistic and feels her beliefs are clear-cut. Liars are bad. Ares is responsible for everything. Being strong is enough to save the day.

Gradually, we see her belief in these things erode, eventually replaced by an understanding that the world is more complex than it was made out to be. At the same time, there are moments when world doesn’t want to be saved.

It culminates when Steve sacrifices himself at the climax of the film. At this point, it appears as though there is no use in fighting Ares, and it seems as though Ares was proven correct all along. Human beings are cruel and violent and selfish. It becomes so easy to assume apathy. What does it matter what one person does if there are all these people and systems that perpetuate injustice? It becomes easy to give up and do nothing or give up and join in.

At the same time, though, Steve’s loss presents the other side of the story. Human beings are empathetic and altruistic; they try to see the good in others and are moved to change by others’ suffering. It is true that a lot of the systemic issues we see in the movie, particularly for equality and peace, are still present today, but we’re making progress.

Diana emerges with a realistic working understanding of human beings. They aren’t perfect, and they are capable of great harm, but also great good. As she said, she’s realised it wasn’t up to her to save the world for them, but she’d be there when they did make the decision.

In our current socio-political climate, it is almost the default to affect the same hopelessness and apathy. But that’s why the message of love, justice, and peace was anything but “cheesy.” It’s precisely what we can do in the environment we’re put in. It’s something that is in our control, and like all things the movie presents, it is a choice.


I really love Wonder Woman. Before there was Harley Quinn in my life, there was and will always be Wonder Woman. I loved the way Jenkins told the story and I really hope for more like it in the DCEU. So much could be written specifically about the character as a woman, and all the imagery that comes with it. And the Amazons. Countless posts could be dedicated only to analysing their social structure, values, and dynamics. The film was great and it did justice to a lot of what made Wonder Woman so appealing when I was growing up.

His rock

Originally posted by iwriteaboutdean

Summary: Dean x Reader: Dean finds comfort in the reader’s arms after a hard day.

Word Count: 1962

Triggers: Not really, a bit of fluffy angst, or flangst if you will.

Y/N = Your name 

Note: I’m actually pretty proud of this one so I hope you like it! Please let me know what you think!!

Dean was tired, not only physically, but mentally. You could see it easily in those green eyes whose light was a little duller than normal. Somehow you could always tell which days it was harder for the hunter to keep up appearances. He called it your special little gift, you just called it love.

On days like that one you knew he needed to just be held, be loved, feel safe. Out there, in the real world, he had to stay the soldier, the hunter, the big brother. But in the room he shared with you, he was just a broken man. And he needed your help to pick up the pieces.

Dean was exhausted, and so you’d made up some lame excuse to return to your room earlier than normal to Sammy and pulled Dean along. Seeing the signs of exhaustion easily on his face the minute you shut the bedroom door behind him. His smile falling away and the armour he’d so carefully crafted through jokes and physical strength crashing to the floor the minute you were alone.

Moving to the bed you sat up with your back against the wall and stretched your arms out. An open invitation for him to hide in your embrace and just let go of all his worries for the night. No words were spoken as he climbed onto the bed and into your arms. Staying low, he buried his head in the crook of your neck, arms around your waist as if you were the life raft keeping him afloat in stormy weather.

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Chapter 94 Thoughts

The anticipation for this chapter was really something else. I don’t think I’ve seen people so antsy for spoilers in a while. I’m guessing that was a mix of the previous chapter being out so early, the fact that this chapter is the volume closer, and the eagerness to see even a glimpse of the main cast again after a few months without them – depending on your preferences of course. 

(They did not make an official appearance)

This chapter is odd for me, because the content itself is great and makes for a meta-writing goldmine, but despite how eager I was to get the chapter I didn’t even read through the whole thing until the official release date. Like I wasn’t in a rush to get translations by the time the scanned pages were out. 

Apparently there’s a page citing this all as Marley’s arc, not volume, which makes me think we might not actually be returning to Paradis anytime soon. Couple that with an interview with Isayama scheduled for release next month regarding the direction the story will be taking, that possibility sounds even more likely to me. 

It’s a bold move if true, I’ll say that much.

If there was one thing in particular I wanted from these Marleyan-focused chapters, it was the warrior trio’s backstory. My wish was granted.

Reiner, Eren…turns out you two have more in common than you care to admit.

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Dear Norman

(an open letter)

I have to congratulate you on your performance in New Best Friends, as it truly was exemplary. Every scene had such perfect nuance and beats. From the frustration and growing rage with Richard, to the thoughtful determination with Morgan, to the heartbreak and restrained emotion with Carol - it was all beautifully performed.

However, in describing the heart-stopping, and heart-breaking moment when Carol opens her door to see Daryl standing there you used the analogy that Daryl’s emotions were like a kid whose mom had left him - and this caused a furor. 

Now, I think I get what you were trying to say. It wasn’t about anger, it was about Daryl being vulnerable and emotional. It was about the fact that Carol is Daryl’s home, his rock, his constant. And when she left, she left HIM, and he was devastated and adrift.

To me, that’s totally accurate for how Daryl would feel. It shows that Carol leaving was deeply personal to him, and he felt like he’d lost the most important person in the world to him - like a mom is to a kid.

Normally no one would argue that was a good description that showed you understand the character and their dynamics well. However, the problem is that in media in general - and in the Walking Dead fandom particularly - the word “mom” carries a whole lot of negative baggage with it.

You can’t see a single article, blog or tweet about Daryl and Carol’s relationship without someone commenting and dismissing the connection between these characters by using the “mother and son” descriptor. Carol is Daryl’s surrogate mother; Carol mothers Daryl; it would be gross if they were romantic cos Carol’s like Daryl’s mother. It’s inescapable whenever they are mentioned together.

For women over 40 in the media, being seen as something besides “the mom” is tough. Thankfully, we have Carol. Here we have a woman, with grey hair who IS a mother and yet is still so, so much more than that. Yet for so many in the fandom, there is an INSISTENCE of “reducing” her to just “a mom”.

I say “reducing” in such a way becuase obviously being a Mom is huge and vital, however in our culture there is a prevailing undercurrent that says that being just a mom is somehow lesser. And, most significantly, that being a mom excludes you from being sexy and sexual.

And that’s where the problem in the “mom and kid” analogy comes. It’s not a shipping thing (though obviously it is a part of it). It’s about how damaging it is for a woman aged 51 to be called mom to a man aged 47. The “mom” descriptor is used to desex Carol.

And as a woman over 40, it’s so offensive that a woman a handful of years older than a man can be seen as a mother figure. It’s sexist and ageist beyond belief, because we rarely see it mentioned the other way round.

Despite the fact Andrew is four years older than Danai, I’ve never seen comments that Rick’s like a father to Michonne.

When Daryl and Beth were paired up the media was filled with talk of a potential romance, and you yourself added to that with comments such as there being a hint of romance in the air. But there was VERY little mention by anyone that Daryl was a “father figure” to Beth, despite the fact he was 20 years older than her. At best, they may have speculated he was a big brother to her. Why was there no mention of a paternal type relationship when Daryl was taking on a protective role over her, in the aftermath of the death of her own father?

It’s just not something that happens in media, that a man with a close bond with a slightly younger woman will be seen as her father figure. Yet, when it’s a woman who’s older its rampant.

Of course, some people will explain away the “mom” term as simply being a way to describe the fact that Carol is nurturing - to everyone, but especially to Daryl. But why are only mom’s nurturing, why aren’t men who nurture fatherly? Why isn’t Rick’s role to Daryl “fatherly”? The way Daryl looks to him for approval and the hug they had in Hearts Still beating could have been seen as the “prodigal son”, but that comparison isn’t made.

Sadly, so much of media falls prey to the mother/whore complex, and sadly so many viewers of TWD have put Carol in the “mother” box, where they feel no one should see her as a sexual being. Thankfully, the show is going out of it’s way to diminish that - with Tobin and Ezekiel desperate to win her hand. But it’s not enough.

You have a HUGE power in this fandom, and your words hold so much weight. As a woman over 40 and a huge fan of Carol and Melissa, I LONG for you to speak about Carol the way you’ve spoken about other female characters.  

I don’t mean to suggest in any way you’ve spoken negatively about either Melissa or Carol - your adoration for both is evident in everything you say. I just long to be in a place where you are HELPING the world see Carol - and by extension,  all mature women - as a sexual being who is a PEER of Daryl’s, not a “mother figure”.

It’s not about shipping and demanding you say Daryl is sexually attracted to Carol. It’s about YOU as a person giving more power to the stunning actress and beautiful character by making sure the audience knows how YOU see Carol as Daryl’s peer and as a sexy, sexual woman. And giving power to us fans to argue against those who are using the word “mom” to diminish that.

Give us the tools and we’ll defend Carol’s worth to the death, instead of feeling we constantly have to defend YOU.  

Please, all I ask is in future, give your words a strong analysis before you use them, so they can’t be used as a tool to beat fans of Carol and Melissa with.

Caffeine Challenge #17

Hi, all! I had a little trouble getting started, but I like where it went! You can read mine below or here (X)



Geneva stands on the outskirts of the town she built and feels the hostility radiating from the closed doors, the shuttered windows, the empty streets. There silence echoes out to her, accuses her, and she can see graffiti over the town’s sign. She doesn’t need to see it to know what it says.

The rebellion is successful. The Queen has fallen. Wanted dead.

It’s not a new thing, to be wanted dead. She’s been wanted dead by any number of people since she was very small. At least now there’s a reason for it.

She turns her back on the town (It’s already turned its back on her.) and shakes her head. She’s not resentful – far from it.

This is what she planned, after all.

———————————

It starts when she’s looking up (and up and up) at her brother. He’s regal and imposing, even with limbs that are too long, too thin, too weak. He changes the last part slowly, builds muscle like her father builds their kingdom, with sweat and dedication and something feral in their breast.

She looks up at him and thinks, You’re going to die. They’re going to kill you and you’re going to let them.

Turns out she’s half right. He lets his murderer put him down, lets the knife pierce his breast, lets them take the life from his eyes.

But they don’t kill him. She does.

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One thing I can rely on the Skam fandom to do is to take all the wrong messages from a statement and turn everything ugly and problematic. 

And it’s funny that they are doing it to the exact sentence that confirms their actions too!

“ As soon as you start looking for hate, you’ll find it”

As a person who has actually dealt with ignorance and racism and xenophobia, it is beyond insulting to me to see people of social and cultural privilege lash out about one of my most favorite clips this season, calling out supposed “problematic” behavior and invalidating the experience of people like me. 

I’ve seen variations of “Isak is a white male who doesn’t have the place to tell Sana racism doesn’t exist.” to “how dare he likens homosexuality to being Muslim?!” and “ I can’t believe Sana just let him say those things…”

It makes me wonder, for the millionth time, if we are watching the same show…

Through out this season, as an actual Muslim, my take and understanding of the characters and their dynamics and their behaviors were ignored,dismissed or down-right insulted!

I was spoken over, called out for “victim blaming”, told that I only see “black and white” and that “I should stop watching Skam and go watch shows that treat everything as black and white concepts” .

The same people cried out when Sana was “ignored in the chats”, was put through “micro-aggression” and was questioned for her beliefs and standards. 

All the same people who wanted Sana to talk and express herself, completely dismissed my understandings of Islamic culture when I pointed it out to them!

Now I wasn’t very bothered by it, because I no longer practice Islam and I was never the type of person to get riled up and all red in the face over haters. So I let it be. 

But with my experiences as a bully survivor and an ex-Muslim with strong ties to the religion and eastern culture, I probably understand Sana in a way that most of those non-Muslim justice-fighters don’t really understand! 

For instance, a lot of the stuff that made everyone SOOOO ANGRY were lost on me! 

I almost didn’t write this…but this is my bog. And I want to have this space to express myself. 

the thing is, for the longest time I was scared to tell anyone about my heritage on Tumblr, because I was afraid that friends that I had made online would stop talking to me if they knew about me and where I come from and my culture. And it was true for some. I have lost some but…I don’t really consider them a loss! 

What I consider a gain is when I opened up and talked to a friend here and she listened. she never judged, she asked questions and listened. Now she’s one of my best friends! Despite the difference in our backgrounds, although to an outside observer we should be on opposite sides, we now understand each other. Because I took a chance on a stranger and told them about myself and instead of accepting the preset of beliefs they were told by media and years of misinformation, they gave a minority a chance and learned my truth.

So yes,racists exist. so do rapists, so do homophobes, so do Nazis. But does that mean that choosing isolation is better?

We live in societies. We live together. And it’s an undeniable truth that Islam and eastern culture are the outsiders to western societies. And it’s good to stay connected to your roots but in order for us all to live in harmony, with freedom and democracy, we need to make an active effort to coexist. And that means for people to actually try to learn from and of each other. 

And I don’t need a hypothetical person “chosen” to represent me and my culture. I do that! Ask me! Pay attention to me! Because no matter what you believe in, you believe in that thing in your own way. A “chosen one” couldn’t possibly represent everyone. It’s important to hear what everyone has to say. 

And I know this from first hand experience, if you look for hate, you will most definitely find it. Because no one is perfect! No one has knowledge and awakening over every subject! you are bound to collide and disagree and feel offended. That’s life! You can go on witch hunts; attack anyone who says and does the slightest problematic things. You can do that. But I know that will only cause you grief and make them defensive. So many people turn their backs on learning about minorities and outsiders because “when they asked; they were laughed at, attacked or humiliated.” So they decided that those people didn’t want to be known so they let it be.

I’m a straight person. And I don’t always know what is considered right or wrong in regards to lgbtq+ related subjects. So I ask my friend who is a bisexual. I try to form my questions in respectful ways. But I ask because I feel like staying in ignorance is worse than asking a stupid question.

And I know we are all fundamentally the same but in practice we are different. Ignoring those differences and hoping we would all get along won’t work.We have to actively try to understand our differences and work things around them.

I could keep on talking about this for a long while, but I’ll cut it short here.(not so short but….)

I only want to say that, I loved today’s clip. And while a lot of people are going to chose to ignore the peaceful message that was at the heart of this clip in favor of the problematic details, I smile to myself knowing a brilliant writer across the world is singing the same song of unity that I have been desperate to hear for years. 

Dream Daddy Zodiac Signs

I’ve seen a couple of these, but I thought I would try my own hand at imagining zodiac signs for each character since I enjoy that kind of thing!

Craig: Virgo

- Virgos are traditionally health-conscious, in need of their personal idea of perfection, and are extremely hard on themselves. They put the needs of others above their own, which ties in with Craig’s theme of ignoring his own needs in order to be the perfect father for his perfect daughters. In college, Craig likely tried to be his perfect “broself”, which meant the wild antics with Dad. Regardless of where he is in life, he puts the needs and expectations of others on high priority.

Mat: Pisces

- Pisces are traditionally a fluid, submissive sign. They absorb everything from everyone around them and as such their identities can be strongly tied to the scene around them - in Mat’s case, the music scene. Like a Pisces, Mat is sensitive and shy yet well-loved by those in his scene despite any awkwardness, age differences, or lack of being a performer anymore (before Dad gets through to him, at least). Pisces gain strength by being uplifted and supported by those closest to them despite any insecurities they may hold, and that is exactly what we see Mat experience with Dad in his route.

Brian: Taurus

- Taurus is all about the earthly, sensual pleasures of a good lawn, great house, fantastic cooking, and enjoying the outdoors.  They enjoy a good competition, but aren’t necessarily a bad loser about it if they don’t have fun.  As long as they are with good company, good food, and fun, it’s all good. They are proud of their possessions and family, which are regarded as their finest achievements.  Unlike, their brother sign Scorpio, they typically aren’t trying to piss you off by boasting with an ulterior motive; if they do come across as a braggart, it really is out of love and pride for their joy.  …They are Brian Harding, basically.

Robert: Scorpio Aquarius

- On all the lists I have seen, Robert’s placement is the most consistent: Scorpio. I don’t disagree! He has so many Scorpionic themes surrounding him, but I want to try something different and place him as Aquarius

.- Aquarius is known for being a contrarian (which is exactly what Robert would have wanted lmao), a little out there, a little distant, yet also a friend. They are difficult to truly know and have strong opinions that sometimes only make sense to them. They are the type to disappear on you for a while without apology, which is definitely behavior we see in Robert (Scorpio will also do the same thing lol). Aquariuses are also attracted to occult things like ghosts and cryptids and whatnot, and we know about Robert and the Dover Ghost. However, infiltrating a ghost tour group and fabricating an entire story just because Dad wanted a t-shirt? Making up random lies just to get a reaction from Dad (and others)? Doing fun and random shit on a first date? Being a little weird about casual sex and emotion? Actually just being weird about emotion in general? Aquarius, Aquarius, Aquarius, Aquarius, aaaand Aquarius.  In closing, Robert is honestly just delightfully weird and doesn’t give a fuck about it, which definitely could be Scorpio as mostly agreed upon but is also positively an Aquarius feature.

Damien: Libra

- Libra is the sign of balance and belonging, and we see that as a theme in Damien’s route.  He wants to be a part of the Victorian Goth lifestyle and has styled his personal look, including his entire home, to reflect that romantic aesthetic, which is what Libra is all about.  After all, Libra is heavily associated with Beauty.  Then there is the Damien who is a part of mainstream culture with seemingly no reservations about it.  And he needs Dad to know and understand that both are a part of him.  Libra also has a distaste for the ugly things in life, like arguments and violence and wish everything to be harmonious to them. Of course, we also see in Damien’s route when his need to present a certain way interferes with his fear of horror.  Despite how dark he may dress, Damien, like a Libra, definitely is a fan of the lighter things in life.

Hugo: Cancer

- Sensitive and imaginative by nature, it’s hard to find a Cancer who doesn’t enjoy finding themselves lost in the fantasy of books or the stage (or, in Hugo’s case both since the ring is really just a stage).  Initially they have a shell, but when they start to trust, they gradually open themselves to you until you are privy to things no one else has ever known about them.  Cancers often have a nurturing side that draws them to help others reach their full potential, perhaps as a teacher as Hugo has done. But the most important thing about Cancers are their family.  They will do anything to love and support their family, even if it means suppressing their own desires (not that that won’t make them moodier than they already are…).  In Hugo’s route, we see this with his frustration with having to be the authoritarian teacher dad while his ex gets to be the fun weekend dad; even though he doesn’t enjoy it, he feels Ernest needs it more than anything. (ALTHOUGH WE FIND OUT THAT ERNEST REALLY JUST NEEDED A PLAYMATE :’) )

Joseph: Sagittarius

- Sagittarians are traditionally optimists with a love of freedom, adventure, culture, and higher thought.  No matter what is happening in his life, Joseph never shows that it gets to him, even when he has a strong desire to escape to the Margarita Zone, which is a typical for a Sagittarius that doesn’t just run away outright.  What seems to bind Joseph to his family and community is the Sagittarian’s eternal search for a higher truth, which he has found as a Christian youth minister.  Unfortunately, there is also a side to Sagittarius that can take their strong beliefs in an extreme direction without regard for others if excess energy is not provided with an appropriate outlet.

anonymous asked:

May I ask you something that's not so much in Mor's favor? Don't you think that she should have told Az that she doesn't want him that way? She didn't need t come out to him in order to do that. Another reason to add how this whole plot was done horribly. It made her seem.. Not a great friend. She also said that she likes things the way they are to Feyre, she doesn't want to change things, it's comfortable for her (Az, her, Cass thing). I just.. Wish that all of this is different completely.

Right *rubs temples* we have finally reached a point I have been struggling with with this whole Mor…fiasco which is the tension between my desire to drag sjm through the mud for the way this was written…but also my intense desire to protect Mor’s choices as a queer character having agency with her own identity. This ask is going to be dedicated entirely to the latter (okay maybe not ENTIRELY but when I’m talking about  how Mor acted I’m going to do it in such a way that’s just ‘I wish all of this hasn’t happened how it did but it has and I’m working with what I’ve got here’) Clunky disclaimer out the way, let’s pick this apart… 

Right, first off,I would like to point out that it’s canon that Mor did actually try to talk to Azriel about this after he found her in the Autumn Court. However he wasn’t really listening and was doing some babble-confessing of his own at the time and she panicked. She was seventeen years old and the boy who just saved her life, who she knew she couldn’t be with, tried to tell  her that he loved her and she had no idea what to do so she panicked. After that it’s not really surprising she struggled with trying to explain things to him. 

Then  I think it’s important to remember a lot of things about the dynamic between Mor, Cass, Rhys and Az early on in the series when she knew Az and might have told him. So she’s only known Cassian and Azriel for two weeks when the whole Incident happens. The situation Mor is in is a  hell of a lot more complicated than ‘I slept with this one dude and this other dude loves me but I’m queer I’m not sure how to tell him’ (which is complicated enough in itself) 

Mor owes her life to all three of them at this point. Azriel saved her from the Autumn Court. Cassian and Rhys got her out of the Court of Nightmares and then proceeded to keep her out. So not is she indebted to them for saving her she is also completely reliant on them for her freedom. At this point in the canon we’re dealing with an extremely vulnerable queer girl who has been brutalised beyond belief and has only just been able to get out of her abusive situation. If the relationship she has with Cass Az and Rhys deteriorates she has nowhere else to go but back to her emotionally abusive homophobic family. 

Factor into that that she’s recently had sex with Cassian, largely because of Az and his jealousy over the two of them, and then walked away from that and the fact that she knows Azriel is in love with her but that she can’t reciprocate…I’m not surprised she’s terrified of telling them the truth. She’s grown up being told people like her are selfish and awful and that they should be forced into marriage and breeding regardless of how they feel about it, she probably believes that’s how Az and Cassian definitely, since she’s only known them about 3 weeks, will react to her. And Rhys grew up with them, they’re his brothers, she’s probably petrified of telling them the truth about her and having them all reject and abandon her which leaves her with nowhere to go but back to her father. I don’t blame her for not telling them. 

Then the War happens and she’s away from them all for a while and falls in love with Andromache and she has to go through losing her (twice) completely alone because no-one knows and she can’t tell t hem. She says herself that there was no-one for a few decades and like..Those aren’t circumstances where I’d feel like adding a whole  heaping pile of angst on top when she still isn’t sure how the boys will react so she just bottles things up and hides them away again. 

And then…Things settle out a little bit. The dynamic between her and Cass and Az finds something like what we see now, the three of them all tied together and loving each other just in different ways. And then she has to start trying to accept herself (Andromache was her first female lover and after that fell apart Mor was alone for decades, it’s hard to talk to people about something you barely understand or accept yourself) 

She has to unlearn the vile homophobia that she grew up with, she has to coax herself into trying to be with a woman again after what happened before, she has to try and explore this part of herself without letting anyone know…That’s hard. And so she finds Velaris, she finds Rita’s and at last she has a little safe place, a place where she experiment and be herself and so she does.  But that’s a safe place, a place that’s just hers, a thing that’s just hers, that no-one has yet managed to take away from her or destroy, and she feels this desperate urge to keep it safe because it’s all that’s kept her from breaking at times, knowing that no-one has ever truly known her

All of this takes time. Mor is healing and I know she’s a strong, confident woman when we meet her in ACOMAF and she’s had while to process all of this but…Abuse and that sort of homophobia and the trauma she was subjected to on top of then losing the only person she’s ever truly loved…That takes a lot of healing, that takes a lot of time to slowly build up an identity and a self-worth and by the time that happens…She needs the people around her. She has a support system in place and she deeply loves all of them. 

If she suddenly reveals that she’s queer that’s going to mess up her relationship with everyone in the Circle (except, perhaps, Amren) But everything will change and she’s only just managed to find herself and a place where she belongs and she has NEVER had that before. Cassian and Azriel both had difficult childhoods but they also both had Rhys and Rhys’ mother. Mor has not had a single positive, mutual, respectful relationship before Rhys, Cassian, Azriel and Amren. That is so fucking important for her recovery and her stability and I cannot find it in myself to shame her or hate her for wanting to keep that whole. 

Not to mention the fact that she knows this will hurt Azriel. And she loves him. I don’t care what bullshit that coming out scene spouts about her not being able to love him ‘the way he deserves’ because of her sexuality (which I have issues with) because she loves this man in a very deep, unconditional way and this will hurt him and she can’t bear that. 

So there are a lot of pressures surrounding her keeping her sexuality hidden. She’s petrified of her family, of the homophobia she grew up surrounded by and she wants to keep this one tiny piece of herself hidden from them, so they never truly know her and therefore can’t own or break her. She’s petrified of losing the Circle, who she owes her life, freedom, power and stability to, they’re her support system and the only truly positive relationships she’s ever known. of course she’s terrified of losing that? And she’s scared of hurting Azriel and wrecking her relationship with someone that she truly and genuinely loves, even if she doesn’t want to be with him romantically. 

Also I think, when you mention that she didn’t have to come out to explain things to Azriel I think….In this case it’s complicated by them? She’s already walked away from him once while he was trying to tell her that he loved her…If she just goes to him and tells him that she can never ever be with him without the context of her sexuality…That’s going to ruin him? And she knows that. She knows how he sees himself and she’s probably terrified of offering up that rejection because the Circle is Az’s safe space and support network too and she loves him. She cannot just say ‘I don’t want you, I never will’ because then it will just…sound like he’s not good enough for her and he never will be? It’s going to sound like a ‘him’ problem than it just being the way that she is and she knows that would shatter him. (You can argue all you like that this is an Azriel problem and it’s not on her to fix or attend to his insecurities, and it’s not, but that doesn’t mean it’s easy for her to just shatter him like that? This is the reality of their situation) 

Also, on the subject of her not wanting to change it…I want to make it clear that I don’t think this is actively good for her. Like, I’m sorry, but if you think that Azriel, a straight man, is suffering more for Mor not feeling like she’s able to come out, feeling ‘petrified’ of facing him with this, than she is…I don’t know what to say to you. 

Being closeted is not fun. It’s not a little ‘straight passing’ card that you get to wave around so you can blend in with the normal people and not get noticed, it’s hard. It’s painful. It’s frightening. It’s constantly having to censor yourself whenever you’re talking to people, constantly worrying if they’ve figured it out even though you’re not ready, this constant paranoia and this guilt that builds up and the frustration and the hurt at not being able to be yourself. 

This situation is harming more exponentially more than it is Az and when she says that she doesn’t want it to change that’s not her being selfish. at all. 

(Especially when, as Mor told us herself in ACOMAF, she could peel her clothes off in front of Azriel and he wouldn’t move. He isn’t ready for this relationship anyway. He could have gone to her as well at any point in these 500 years and approached her about this and he hasn’t. Mor is not the only one maintaining this stasis between them and telling herself it’s ‘good enough’ this thing is mutual. 

Azriel isn’t technically losing out on anything by this because he hasn’t tried to make a move or talk to her about it and isn’t ready for the relationship himself? Maybe he could have moved on if she’d given him a concrete no but like…After five hundred years…He could have damn well just decided to move on for himself, like I’m sorry. A man should not need a flat out rejection from a woman (which, you could argue that he’d gotten when she walked away from him when he told her he loved her) to move on with his life, okay. 

He could have made that choice for himself she is not stopping him making that choice and she is not ‘stringing him along’ either, she isn’t hinting that oh maybe some day this might happen, not today but maybe tomorrow, she’s avoiding the subject and she has Cassian buffer them ffs to try and protect her from this. That’s not stringing him along, like, sorry) 

“Whenever Azriel makes his feelings clear, like he did with Eris … It’s stupid, I know. It’s so stupid and cruel that I do this, but … I slept with Helion just to remind Azriel … Gods, I can’t even say it. It sounds even worse saying it.”

“To remind him that you’re not interested.”

“I should tell him. I need to tell him. Mother above, after last night, I should. But …” She twisted her mass of golden hair over a shoulder. “It’s gone on for so long. So long. I’m petrified to face him—to tell him he’s spent five hundred years pining for someone and something that won’t ever exist. The potential fallout … I like things the way they are. Even if I can’t … can’t really be me, I … things are good enough.

Right, regardless of how you personally view Mor’s sexuality (bi/gay/queer/whatever you wish) the fact of the matter is that, in canon, Feyre states THREE TIMES that Mor did not enjoy sleeping with Helion and that she got no pleasure out of it. She’s described as ‘pale and vacant’ the next day and during the coming out scene Feyre actually thinks of her as looking ‘tortured’ okay, she is not enjoying this. The fact of the matter is, Mor is repeatedly having sex with men…For Az. To keep him at a distance. This is…Like I’m sorry but if you can’t see how fucked up that is (for HER) I don’t know what to say to you. She’s repeatedly putting herself in sexual situations she may or may not want that she does not seem to enjoy…For Azriel. 

She is suffering here, okay. She is closeted, that’s painful, that’s hard in itself but she also has this to deal with. Azriel’s affection has kept her closeted (in part) all these years and she is PETRIFIED of facing him with this?? How can this possibly be purely selfish on her part? How is she the only one getting flack for doing what she needs to do to keep herself safe

Especially when it’s hurting her like? ‘Good enough’ it’s just..It’s like Lucien’s situation in the Spring Court. That was ‘good enough’ for him, yes he was being abused  horrendously, no he didn’t have any real agency or power over himself or freedom or love or respect but it wasn’t the abusive shithole he was trapped in all those years so it was ‘good enough’. 

That’s what this good enough is, okay. She cannot be herself. She cannot openly love who she wants to. She has to suffer heartache and grief alone and isolated because she can’t tell anyone how she feels. She is ‘petrified’ of facing Azriel. She is closeted and that hurts. She is also GUILTY AS FUCK. She’s doing all of this, hiding herself, hurting herself, sleeping with people she doesn’t get any pleasure out of, and has been doing this for five  hundred years and she still feels horrifically guilty about this. She’s said in that coming out scene too that she wants to be able to love Azriel the way he deserves but she can’t. She’s tried to change herself and has hidden herself and hurt herself all for this relationship that she doesn’t want, that makes her uncomfortable? 

She likes things the way that they are  because these are the first people who accepted even a part of her. They love her and they respect her and they treat her with dignity and gave her basic fucking needs from a relationship and that is ‘good enough’ for her. Because she grew up with emotionally and physically abusive homophobic parents who accepted no part of her, who treated her like an animal, or worse, and then she found this…She found this love and respect and of course she doesn’t want to change it. Of course she doesn’t want to lose it. Of course she’s terrified of telling them and seeing that same hatred that lived in her parents’ eyes. Even if she knows it’s irrational that doesn’t matter. She’s a terrified queer abuse victim and she is suffering, she cannot be herself, but that’s good enough because what choice does she have, really? 

Mor is a closeted, scared, vulnerable, abuse survivor who is petrified of losing the only safe space that she’s ever had just because of who she is. She is suffering 100 times more from this situation than Azriel or anyone else in the Circle. I will not sit here and call a queer character selfish or a bad friend or any of it for doing what she feels she has to to protect herself. Especially not when most of the things that she’s doing are more damaging for her than they are for anyone else. I love Azriel, I relate to his character a lot, but I’m not going to sit here and prop up this ‘oh no poor boy’ while Mor gets thrown under the bus because she is afraid. 

Her identity is her own and this choice, revealing this part of herself to who she chooses, is one of the only pieces of ultimate agency that she has ever had. I won’t say she was wrong to keep it hidden, keep it safe, if that made her feel okay. Mor’s situation is not ‘good enough’, Mor’s situation is deplorable and painful and I refuse to call her selfish for maintaining something like this because she is absolutely terrified of the alternative. 

Queer people have the right to be in the closet for as long as they need to be in order to feel safe. It is not for anyone else (especially not straight characters a la Feyre) to tell them when they should come out. They are not ‘liars’ for being closeted. They should not feel guilty for being closeted and keeping themselves safe. That’s a disgusting way of looking at things and it’s an incredibly damaging mentality to have. 

‘Out and proud’ is great, okay, but it’s not possible for everyone. A queer person’s safety comes first and if they feel that they need to keep their sexuality hidden in order to do so that is their choice. And it is not up to anyone, especially those who have no way of understanding what this feels like, to judge them or shame them or guilt-trip for that. It’s not selfish to want to protect yourself and not risk ruining the relationships you have with those around you for the sake of telling them something they do not have a right to know unless you choose it. 

In the end I will chose validating and defending a queer person’s decision to keep their identity hidden for their own personal reasons and safety over the feelings of anyone who feels like they might have been entitled to know this every. Single. Fucking. Time. 

Best Mistake

Originally posted by justinfoleygifs


Justin Foley x Reader
Request: #35 - Justin
Word Count: 1,014
A/N: My first Justin Foley imagine for my lovely <3 If you’re up for it, a recommend listening to Lies - Marina and the Diamonds. I left the ending like this because I planned on writing a part two. Buttttt, I’m going to let you guys decide. Should I write a part two? Enjoy! :)
Warnings: None
Italics = You, Bold = Justin, Italicized Bold = Bryce
(Y/L/N) = Your last name

   You and Justin Foley had been together for six months. Both of you experienced a lot during those six months, but it was everything to you. You discovered so many things about yourself that you never knew, and Justin was the first person you opened up to. At the time, you had been taking care of yourself and living on your own. Neither your mother nor father cared for you, so you got a job and paid for an apartment. It became unbearable, you needed someone to talk to, someone that could take care of you. Little did you know, so did Justin. He was having family issues of his own and it helped you guys form a strong bond. It started out as an innocent friendship, with you always running to him for help and vice-versa. Over the months you guys spent more and more time with each other, and you began to develop feelings for him. Justin was the one that confessed. You were walking down the street with your fingers interlocked. It has slipped from his mouth as if he’d said it a thousand times before. He loved you. And it was undoubtedly known that you loved him too.
   The first four months, of the relationship, worked out perfectly. But as you soon realized, not all things last forever. You’d asked Justin to move in with you and he took care of you. He did all the little things you looked for in a man. Yes he was still a teenager, but he had qualities that your dad had never possessed, which in your eyes made him a man. He was perfect for you. It was yourself that you blamed. You had become fussy, you were starting arguments but overall you were just insecure. Justin always said that you were beautiful and that he loved you, but it was your belief that he could do better. It was your stupid idea to try and drive him away. No matter how many times he would try to convince you to let him in, you only pushed him away. He knew that whatever was happening, he needed to be with you and help you through it. However, that didn’t last long. You had a major slip up, and you had an unexpected hook up. Never did you give excuses to how or why it happened, but you couldn’t explain it either. You hurt the person you cared most about, and it broke you inside. He left for a few days to stay at a friend’s house, but he came back. Justin always came back to you. He’d promised to be there for you and never let go, which is what he did. It was clear that you would never really understand how a guy like him would still want you, but you were glad that he did. It was weird because you were so on and off about the relationship, but you knew deep in your heart that you wanted him. You both agreed that taking a break before getting back together was a good idea, so you did. A few weeks later you had found out that you were pregnant. Justin has automatically assumed that it wasn’t his before you could even say anything else; he was so unbelievably done with your lies and mistakes this time. He wouldn’t talk to you, look at you or even acknowledge you in any way. It seemed that he wanted you completely out of his life. But you didn’t want that. He could possibly be a dad and if it’s one thing you knew for sure, it’s that the baby needs its father.
   You had had enough of Justin shutting you out. Currently he was staying at Bryce Walker’s house, so you made your way there. You decided to walk and get some fresh air before finally confronting Justin. You knocked on the door, and after a few seconds you chickened out. Turning around, you started to make your way down the stairs. “(Y/N)?” You stopped hearing Bryce calling your name. Taking a deep breath, you retraced your previous steps, “Yeah, is Justin here?” He left the door open before walking away, and you followed. He led you to the other part of the house where you say Justin sitting down on the couch. “I’ll give you two some alone time.” Even now did he refuse to look you straight in the eye. “Justin we really need to talk. Please, it’s important.” You could tell that he struggled to look at you, and the fact broke you. “I wanted to start off by saying sorry, I know what I did was wrong. I just…I don’t know. This is hard for me, you know this. I’ve made mistakes before but this…I regret this and I’m not just saying this because I want you to come back, but because I love you Justin. I, (Y/N) (Y/L/N), am in love you with Justin Foley. You are the first guy I have ever loved, and I fucking mean that.” He looked at you, listening to every word that came out of your mouth. When he didn’t reply you started at the floor but continued, “I n-need you. I’m a wreck without you. You should…you should really consider coming back. To the apartment, to us…” A lump formed in your throat and you started to cry before he even answered. “I don’t know if I can trust you again. I don’t know if I even ever want to see you again.” You nodded, understanding his point of view. It wasn’t like you to give up so quickly, but you loved him and if he was happier without you then so be it. “Before I leave I just…about the baby…it’s yours. The baby is yours Justin.” Muttering a small ‘bye’ you let the house as quick as you could, not bothering to look back at Justin. But little did you know he’s been waiting to run back to you, because he wasn’t, in fact, happier without you. Justin Foley needed you.

~A

mattie-spiritwalker  asked:

What is the best way to differentiate whether a person uses Fe or Ne? I notice both functions in either dom/aux position radiate joy and energy oftentimes and like to share their ideas and opinions verbally and often. It sounds silly, knowing that there is a lot of difference between a judging function and a perceiving function, but behavior wise I sometimes struggle to pinpoint the difference.

Have you ever read, or seen a movie based on, Oscar Wilde?

Many of his plays are satires, open mockery of the absurdities of social norms; he mocked, maligned, twisted, and pointed out the shallowness of it, in comedic form. He mocks three-volume novels, shallow females, and many other things in The Importance of Being Earnest, and social climbing, deceit, and caring about one’s position in life in An Ideal Husband (among many, many other things).

In the 1500s, there was a scholar named Erasmus who thought it a great idea to write an “offensive” (for the times) satire in which a recently deceased pope threatened to force his way into heaven with his gang of banished sinners (he sold them worthless indulgences) after Saint Peter told him to get lost; in order to understand the magnitude of this statement, you must understand that in the 1500′s, common belief saw the Pope as “infallible,” and next to God, therefore to suggest that not only are his indulgences (get out of hell cards, which people paid for with actual money) rubbish, but he’s not going to heaven either, was a radical and offensive statement.

About a decade ago, Rob Bell came on the Christian Evangelical scene and caused a tremendous stir by announcing there is no hell, scripture does not support the concept of hell, and many common beliefs about scripture are fundamentally wrong and based on myth rather than serious study of the period, the people scripture was written for, about, and to, etc. He also caused a sensation by suggesting God isn’t who most people think He is – with the result that many have branded Bell as a heretic, but that hasn’t stopped him.

What do all of these people have in common?

They were/are Ne’s.

Ne is not a function that “radiates joy and energy” and wants everyone to share their ideas; its purpose is to take things as far as they can go, and then leap into the unknown, to challenge people way outside their comfort zones. Ne reads between the lines and essentially mocks that which fail to live up to its standard; it sees beyond the obvious to the intangible, to the absurdities of life, beliefs, practices, and so on. And because inevitably, Ne is either paired with Fi or Ti, it doesn’t much care at its level of potential offensiveness; it believes society should be moving forward at a steady pace and abandoning outdated ideals; Bell was naively “caught off guard” by how viciously traditional Christianity struck out against his radical ideas (he was also, as many Ne’s are, ahead of his time; the same movement has, in the last decade, grown astounding speed and started to turn up in multiple voices, supported by many different people doing similiar research; but like an intuitive, he “saw it” first).

Yes, Ne-doms can be funny – even hilarious. They often are, because they take almost nothing with total seriousness, and can see the absurdities in everything life has to offer; but with the ENFPs in particular (such as Erasmus) there is an underlining strong moral judgment, which often manifests in art or literature aimed at shaking your sensibilities and challenging you to rethink things; they want to frame reality in a different way, to provoke thought. Under the comedian is the dark, introspective but hopeful cynic, who believes nothing is too sacred to point out its flaws. Ne’s are comfortable with that; they encourage it, the more the rest of the world “resists” an idea, the more they are curious to explore it, because it’s just an idea… what harm can it do to think? It’s just an abstract discussion.

Thought drives the Ne-dom, not action, not social motivating in a Fe way (”we have a moral responsibility to drive society forward, join our movement!”) but in a disquieting, somewhat uncomfortable Ne way: “Let me show you through this idea how outdated, absurd, or wrong this belief system is.”

(This example is primarily Ne / Fi, but it should give you a general gist of how Ne decides to act on its beliefs – through an intangible object rather than sensory action.)

The Ne takes Jesus’ teachings about love, forgiveness, and compassion, and pairs it with scenes from movies depicting Christians persecuting each other, burning witches, fighting Muslims over Jerusalem, boycotting Harry Potter novels, or banning Moors… to point out, without words, how far removed Christianity is from Christ’s message.

IMPACT. Disturbing. Offensive. Things people don’t want to think about, but in your face. Ne is saying: deal with this. Look at it. End it.

Someone says, “Life owes me more than this,” and the Ne replies, “Life only owes you death, and it will pay up.”

Ne is not this cuddly thing, or a rainbow-pooping unicorn; Ne is introspective and disturbing and unnerving to those without it, because it threatens everything the world says is fine and is most comfortable when shoving people 100 yards outside their comfort zone.

Fe’s usually let people float in their comfort zone, because offending people gets you nowhere. Fe is about expressing emotion, accomplishing things through social harmony or recruiting others, collective motivation and support, creating emotional dynamics, and, in a healthy Fe, doing it in non-offensive ways that bring general wholeness and improvement to all involved.

If you just want an example of Fe vs. Ne… go to YouTube and watch an interview with Hugh Jackman (ESFJ) and then one with Jeff Goldblum (ENTP) and note the differences. ;)

- ENFP Mod

Sally Mann ‘Immediate Family’

Over twenty years ago, Sally Mann published Immediate Family (Aperture), a book of photographs of her children playing on their family farm in Virginia, which was called “disturbing” by the New York Times and “degenerate” by the Wall Street Journal. The children were often nude, as the secluded farm was miles away from strangers, and the children’s poses, innocent to her eyes, deeply disturbed many who saw them.

She said she and her children, collaborators, were trying to tell a story of growing up. “We tell it all without fear and without shame.” Later she said, “The fact is that these are not my children; they are figures on silvery paper slivered out of time… . These are not my children with ice in their veins, these are not my children at all; these are children in a photograph.”

At times she sounded defensive, at times uncertain why there was controversy at all. She had not prepared a standard response because she did not expect many people to see these photographs, much less for the pictures to become a cultural lighting rod.

Mann had been publishing small books with limited print runs, of interest to photography collectors and specialists, and imagined this body of work would reach a similar audience. But it was published in the midst of culture wars over government funding of “pornographic art” by artists like Robert Mapplethorpe, who also photographed nudes. It was a moment of intense interest in the propriety of art; transgression was seen as an existential threat to the moral fabric of American society. Compounding this problem, and inviting an additional slew of criticism and outrage, was the fact that she was a mother.

Several photographs showed her children in apparent danger. Critics felt a good mother would have removed them from peril rather than pausing to photograph them. This was seen as evidence of Mann’s lack of maternal instincts. It is a testament to the strength of her work that the reality of the photographs went unquestioned. It was somehow forgotten that this was art.

As Immediate Family was reissued this year to coincide with the publication of Mann’s memoir, we now have the gift of a greater context for the genesis of these photographs, what they meant to her, and the effect they had on her family.

“How I love those, children. And how I fear for them. And how real those fears can become, in just an instant. Right before my eyes,” she writes. The photographs were her talisman against harm. When she feared great danger to her children, and that danger was averted, she would recreate her fear for the camera as if this could somehow prevent it from coming true. She describes this process as feeling “like some urgent bodily demand.”

Through a window, she watched her five year old daughter Jessie play with a doll on a tire swing. Then Jessie disappeared. She asked neighbors to help scour the woods, calling out her name. She feared her daughter had drowned. “I stuck to the creek edge,” she writes, “certain I’d see a flash of gingham, of white sock and patent leather Mary Janes in the water.”

Her son’s school secretary called to say Jessie had only walked down the road to visit her brother. The next day, Mann put a dress on her son and posed him as a drowned girl, face down in a pond on their farm, titling the photograph The Day Jessie Got Lost. “I prayed it would protect us from any such sight, ever,” she writes.

When her son Emmett was hit by a car, she ran into the road and held him as he bled from the head. Onlookers assumed he was dead. After he recovered, she tried to photograph him in a way that would capture the feeling of that moment. She chronicles her attempts: a photograph of his bloody sheets in the hospital; his head blurred, as if he might be screaming or shaking off a nightmare; a self-portrait of her face next to the crumpled, blood-stained sheets. None of this worked.

Finally she came upon the right subject: Emmett, nude, alone in a river on their farm. It took a week to make the final photograph, after nearly a hundred iterations: Emmett submerged in water, Emmett holding onto a black rubber inner tube, descending into the river wearing water goggles, standing beneath a broken tree, and at last the final photograph, Emmett touching the water’s surface with his hands, as if to hold it in place, as the river uncontrollably flows past him, inexorably moving away, on toward a bend in the river, and out of sight. “I had tried to exorcise the trauma of the experience by following my own command,” she writes, “to ‘photograph what is important, what is closest to you, photograph the great events of your life.’”

After an article in The New York Times Magazine brought her work to a wider audience, she started receiving disturbing letters, some from victims of child abuse, others from prison inmates. She was especially hurt by letters calling her a bad mother, suggesting the photographs had emotionally damaged her children, and put them at risk of attracting “pedophiles, molesters and serial killers.”

She recalled Oscar Wilde’s response to personal attacks, that “the hypocritical, prudish, and philistine English public, when unable to find the art in a work of art, instead look for the man in it.” But she found different rules applied to a mother.

Until the publication of her memoir, she had not publicly discussed the fact that a man in a nearby state became obsessed with her children, writing their schools to ask for yearbooks, calling the local hospital to request birth certificates. He subscribed to the town paper to read about their ballet recitals and school prizes. When she asked a policeman for advice, he told her to buy a shotgun.

Mann carried a photograph of this man in her wallet for years, fearing he would appear at one of her lectures. She obsessively locked windows, made sure her children were never alone, and asked police for more protection. “We live routinely now with a hitherto unendurable amount of stress,” she wrote a friend, “Each time it ratchets upwards, we adapt to it.” She remained silent, knowing her critics would feel vindicated.

“This year, though,” she wrote in another letter, “the good pictures of the kids might not come. The fear may scare them off. My conviction and belief in the work was so unshakably strong for so many years, and my passion for making it was so undeniable. Now, it is no longer the same: I am frightened of the pictures.”

Questions about the reality of the work, different moral rules for mothers, and voluntary suspension of disbelief, all so vigorously debated in the pages of various journals, could no longer remain academic to Sally Mann. “How can a sentient person of the modern age mistake photography for reality?” she wrote. And yet legions of them did.

But what endangered her children was also a great testament of her love. “She has a hard time letting us know how much she loves us,” said her daughter Jessie, years later. “But I’ve also realized that each one of those photographs was her way of capturing, if not in a hug or a kiss or a comment, how much she cared about us.”

Sally Mann told her students to photograph the great story of their lives. The great story of her life was her adoration of her children, which was entangled with her fear for them. Her photographs of imagined harm were self-portraits of her grave, solemn, vast love. In trying to ward off danger, she inadvertently endangered them, while simultaneously, paradoxically, recording her unbounded devotion. “Unwittingly, ignorantly,” she writes, “I made pictures I thought I could control.” (via)

2

An interview with Laura Johnston Kohl, a survivor of the Jonestown Massacre

Why did you join Peoples Temple?
The United States was going through critical growing pains in the 1950s, 1960s, and 1970s. In the decade of the 1960s, five American heroes were shot and killed by vigilantes - John Kennedy, Martin Luther King, Bobby Kennedy, Malcolm X, and Medgar Evers - and many more besides these heroes. Then, we got into the war in Vietnam. I did not want the world run by bullies, nor by vigilantes. I tried as a single, naive woman to change some things - but was pretty powerless, it turned out. When I met Jim Jones, and joined Peoples Temple, I thought Jim would protect me, and stand for issues I felt were important. He had adopted children of many races, had gathered a huge interracial congregation, and stood with other leaders of our times - Angela Davis, Cesar Chavez, Dennis Banks, many in the LGBTQ community in San Francisco, and others. It seemed like a perfect fit, even though I was an atheist. Jim’s efforts were to move people into activism.

What was it about Jim Jones that first attracted you to the Temple?
From the first time I met Jim, in Redwood Valley, I was impressed at his inclusion and affection for all of us. He would hug, smile, congratulate, assist and nurture all of us regardless of age, sex, income, education, and life experience. He would be the one to notice the people cleaning up or working hard, or setting up events. His concern seemed genuine. In his own life, he and his wife had adopted five children of many races, sometimes having to fight a system opposed to household integration. They did it. His wife seemed to be as enchanted with him as the rest of us, which I thought was remarkable. And, he had political allies who were my heroes of the time - Angela Davis, Cesar Chavez, Dennis Banks, and others. In San Francisco, we were supportive of all diverse community members. There was not only a vision of what we could be, we could look around and see that we had already arrived in a small measure. Certainly, we had more work to do, but we were an inclusive interracial community, and determined to continue the fight.

The public persona certainly differed with the reality, even at that time. But, I did not see that part.
Some of the literature on the Peoples Temple paints a picture of abusive practices. Such as catharsis sessions, physical beatings and suicide drills even before the move to Guyana. How apparent were they?

I disagree that the catharsis sessions were always abusive. Jim ran the Temple as if he were the Godfather of a huge family. He was in charge. He took people to task if our work was shoddy, or our behavior was off, if he or others noticed issues. To this day, I have “family meetings” with my husband and foster son to resolve issues and organize our lives. Sometimes that happened in the Peoples Temple Family Meetings. The abuse part was to have Jim making a decision, stating a problem, and then not allowing the person to respond, or to refuse to listen to problems that needed resolution within the church. Jim could never be questioned. Never. That is abuse. A healthy catharsis is not abuse. Catharsis was the wrong word for much of what went on in our Family Meetings. We had dictatorship laying down rules, and not allowing discussion or defense. Because Jim took the role of everyone’s “father” he managed the discipline of the members. The beatings were outrageous, and even created life-long disabilities. The suicide drills were an early clue of Jim’s power-tripping. I wrote them off as just one more of his antics to get us more unified and to work harder. I think that the most relevant thing about the suicide drills was that NO ONE COULD EVER HAVE IMAGINED that Jim, the person who got relatives out of prison, who fought in courts for children and adults, who got people legal and medical help, who adopted his own children and seemed to love all children, and who spoke up for human and civil rights would or could EVER take our lives. Every family had had some relative or close friend helped. Everyone had a story.

Former members have described Jonestown as one of the best things that happened to them. Conversely, it has also been likened to a concentration camp. What was your experience of Jonestown? Did people tell you they wanted to leave?
I was one of the members who loved Jonestown. I always felt that there were many positives of our community, and that the problems would be sorted out and resolved once we did not have to work so hard building everything. If you look at a photo of Jonestown - built in just over 3 years, you will see how amazing it became in that short time. We were humping to make it less primitive and more functional and livable. I did not see things that would not be remedied as soon as our full-out building was done. For people who were not happy in Jonestown, it was a prison. You could not leave. Jim asked people to work hard and that after two years, anyone would be free to go. Many were rightly skeptical. Jim did not ever want anyone to leave. He took it as a personal betrayal and defeat. Even when about 20 people wanted to go with Congressman Ryan, he was overwhelmed. Twenty people out of 1,000. His paranoia and Narcissistic Personality Disorder (even besides his drug addiction) did not allow him to see that in perspective. For those of us in Jonestown, since people did not speak about how they wanted to leave (much as in Hitler’s Germany, where parents were reported by their children or neighbors), I had no idea that people seriously wanted out. I was a zealot so no one would have told me.

As a former member, how do you view the tragic ending of the Peoples Temple?
Jim Jones talked about revolutionary suicide in the death tape, however some scholars view it as mass murder?
The term “Revolutionary Suicide” was coined by Huey Newton, for his book published in the early 1970s. It was the rhetoric of the times, and was used at a time when the disenfranchised poor and people of color were reacting to the abuses of their neighborhoods. Many were saying that if they were to be killed by police or others anyway, they chose to decide the when and where. (That is a rough paraphrase) The deaths in Jonestown were murders. No good came out of the deaths, except that Jim got all the fame and infamy about the community just as he wanted. He never shared leadership.

How was Jim Jones’ behavior?
At the beginning, when I was part of the smaller Redwood Valley Peoples Temple, Jim’s behavior was inclusive, and consistent with the ideas he shared. He did work to get rid of racism within the Temple. Once he moved to San Francisco with many of his members from Redwood Valley, and many new members, I only saw him in public. He was very polished in public. I felt like I knew the “real” Jim Jones and so did not watch him as critically as I should have.

How did you feel inside the community?
The people I met in Peoples Temple were the best, most dedicated and diverse people I have met in my life. Many people made huge sacrifices because we all felt that we could create a safe community for our friends and family, and be a role-model community for the larger world. We worked tirelessly, and felt that each day, we accomplished a lot. I loved the Peoples Temple community, from the communes I lived in and the entire family - which is what it felt like to me.

Was sex an important element?
Jim was married, had a long-time mistress, and continued to have multiple partners over the years. He would justify having sex by telling us why these people “needed” him to show his care or his appreciation for their beauty - really, blaming the victim. And then, he used sex as a further control over that person. I would say that others in the Church were not invited to have multiple partners, and instead earned Jim’s trust be being celibate. He often referred to people as most trustworthy because they were single. He preferred everyone to have a personal connection with him, no room for others or rather, no distraction from others.

When and why did you leave the community?
I did not leave the community. I happened to be working in Georgetown from late October through the deaths in Jonestown on November 18, 1978.

How did Jones maintain such a strong control over the members?
First, Jim Jones was extremely smart. He just outsmarted us by knowing what to say to pull us in. He would speak and be sure he covered exactly what each person or group wanted to hear. I was always political, along with many other members. He would be sure to include politics and a political message in each sermon. Many members were religious, and he would be sure to include that as well. He was well-versed in the bible, although I have a strong opinion that it was useful for him, rather than it being his core belief. Religion was a magnet he could use to draw people in. Then, he would teach and model how activism was essential in interacting with the world.
Second, Jim actually helped nearly every family. He could write letters to get people out of jail or on probation, or get leniency. He helped get people off of drugs, into housing, into communes with shared resources so everyone had a safe place to stay, with enough food. He provided free legal help and got medical attention to members when they had been denied help. Really, every family was impacted by the services provided in Peoples Temple. People could not fathom that he would do them harm when he had so tenderly cared for them or their loves ones over the years. He was powerful because of his deeds. He took care of people.
As a consequence, people did not admit to seeing his flaws. His drug addiction and personality disorder, which worsened in Jonestown, were hidden by his closest nurses/mistresses/secretaries. His reputation was protected vigilantly. Most of us had no clue about how he was disintegrating right in front of us. Even people who did see some problems had no idea that he was so mentally ill that he would kill 917 people and himself.
There had been no precedent in US history of a leader killing nearly 1,000 people. No one in Peoples Temple - or very few, because some did see it on the horizon and left - could have imagined that end. We thought any issues in the community could be fixed as we settled into Jonestown and didn’t have to work so hard.


How did you feel the People’s Temple was taking a stand for social justice?
From the first day, I realized that Jim Jones had an adopted family of all races - Black, Native American, Asian, and his “home grown” son. He and his wife were the first white couple in the State of Indiana to adopt a Black child - Jim Jones Jr. His congregation was the same - mixed race, mixed socio-economic levels, mixed education. This was in the 1960s and 1970s, in a country that JUST passed the Civil Rights Act. Even today, that is not the norm.

From there, we moved on to supporting emerging groups - we spoke up for the LGBTQ community in San Francisco, the American Indian Movement, the Farmworkers, really, all of them. They were us and we were them. We wrote letters to Judges to get family members and community members released from prison, and helped be the voice for the voiceless. That was our mission and we did it tirelessly.

In the late 1960s, I think that was Jim at his “purest.” He always had a borderline personality disorder - and power issues - he wanted all the power, over all of us. But, it really started eroding what he was doing in the early 1970s when he was so successful with the powerful in San Francisco and in California.

What did you see was your role in fighting for social justice?
In high school, I had been active in integrating my neighborhood in Maryland, and in the fight for equality and putting an end to segregation. In college in Connecticut, I worked hard on civil and human rights, and demonstrated to end the war in Vietnam, among other things.

After college, and a brief marriage, I went to Woodstock - but wasn’t interested in being immersed in that culture. Then I lived and worked with the Black Panthers for about 6 months. That did not work for me as a naive, and optimistic young girl.

When I moved to California and met Jim Jones and Peoples Temple - I thought of Jim as a protector who would enable me to continue on with my political activism. That was my life-blood.

How do you think the social issues of the time affected the rise of the People’s Temple?
I know that the society going through such upheaval (with the murders of so many leaders in the 1960s (MLK, the Kennedys, Malcolm X, Medgar Evers), with the war in Vietnam being so unpopular, and with Civil Rights and civil abuses so much in all of our minds made Jim’s rise to a political position meteoric. He was at the right place (SF) and at the right time to become a spokesperson for many of the disenfranchised.

What do you see as the impact of Jonestown on society?
Jonestown had the POTENTIAL to show the world that racism and abuse did not have a role in our society and that we should get rid of both in our communities. Those of us who went to Jonestown thought that we could prove to the world that our kind of mixed and fluid society worked. We thought we could keep our kids safe from drugs, give them a community that valued them, and … That is what we thought. What we didn’t know was that jim had so deteriorated in mental health, and had become so drug-addicted, that he stood in the way of that happening.

Could you describe what the transition into life after the People’s Temple was for you?
When I came back from Guyana, I was totally shell-shocked. I moved back into the San Francisco Temple building on Geary and Fillmore for four months until the Conservator assigned to sell off the assets of Peoples Temple kicked us out. Then, I lived in several different communes of Peoples Temple survivors for the next ten months. The government put a lien on my passport, saying I had to reimburse the $500 they spent to bring me back from Guyana, since I was one of those who received a subpoena to appear before the Grand Jury. I went to work, got a job, and went to school at night. I was putting one foot forward at a time - but not yet determined that I wanted to keep going. It was very difficult and we survivors were not much help to each other or to ourselves.

After a year of trying to make my decision about survival, I moved into a community I had been spending time with - Synanon. Synanon was a residential drug treatment program when it started in the 1950s, but it had become a fully-functioning diverse community with both former drug addicts and “squares” - those who did not become drug addicts. Over the years, there were thousands of residents who passed through. When I moved in in 1980, there were roughly 50% squares and 50% former drug addicts. Synanon took good care of me. However, there are some events mostly from before I moved in that were illegal and problematic. Some of my fellow survivors from Peoples Temple were anxious for me, moving into another “cult.” Synanon closed in 1990, when the IRS rescinded tax status because of profits we were making in selling advertising products.

While in Synanon, I married my current husband, Ron, and my son was born.

In 1990, we moved out. I went back to school and got my California Clear Teaching Credential. I started teaching in 1994. I also became a Quaker in 1994.

After 20 years of keeping my head in the sand, I went to the 20th Anniversary Gathering at Evergreen Cemetery in Oakland, where most of those murdered in Guyana were buried. That was when my healing began - once I realized I would and could never forget. My life in Peoples Temple is part of who I am today. Once I admitted to myself that I am forever changed - somehow, I could work with that and fully move on.

In the early 2000s, I started public speaking. I wrote and published my book JONESTOWN SURVIVOR: An Insider’s Look in 2010. I continue speaking about Peoples Temple and my experiences.

How would you like history to remember the people of Jonestown?
The people of Peoples Temple were wonderfully committed and optimistic people who wanted a better world and who were willing to make great sacrifices to bring it about. We were so determined, we failed to watch Jim enough, especially at the end. In Jonestown, his mental and physical health deteriorated, and he and his secretaries/mistresses/nurses were able to hide the disintegration.

In your opinion, what do you think is the historical significance of Jonestown and the People’s Temple?
There is an enormous historical significance of Jonestown and Peoples Temple. Here are just a FEW:

Leaders can never be given absolute loyalty.

Insanity can be very well hidden.

There is no time and place where critical thinking and observation can be turned off.

There are certain behaviors of cult-leaders that are recognizable:

Wanting to take members away from family and loved ones who are not a part of the group

Moving the group to a remote location

Creating a we/they belief system

Refusing any questioning or corrections of the leaders

Keeping members exhausted and poor

Never assigning anyone as a replacement

Really, it is a very long list.

Are there any misconceptions about the People’s Temple that you would like to correct?
There are many misconceptions. The primary one that I always want to address is the nature of the membership. We were bright, hardworking, and optimistic people. It was unimaginable to us that Jim Jones, who had gotten our family members out of jail, into the hospital, into shared housing where there was enough food, and kids into safer environments - and so much more. It was just not possible that the same person would become so mentally imbalanced that he would murder or assist in murdering 918 people.

Thoughts on OUAT S7 regarding Killian and Captain Swan.

I’ve been meaning to write something up about this for a while, as the hate has become overwhelming and certain individuals are being rude towards those who are remaining positive on season 7. Frankly, I’ve lost any will to not get involved. Here are my thoughts for those who care.

Keep reading

the merciless flaw | four {final}

pairing: sehun x reader
genre: soulmate!au, fluff, series
summary: the clock counts down the years, days and hours left until your being will be smudged from existence. not wiped, but smudged, because you will be remembered by your saviour; your soulmate

pt.1 / pt.2 / pt.3 / pt.4

A/N: i literally do not wanna post but i only posted this cos i promised it would be out by today and because i havent posted in a while so if its terrible now u know why + ends too quickly sORRY i might change it in the morning idk

Originally posted by veriloquentmind

Sporadic stars filled the darkness surrounding you. It provided you with elements of entertainment from your forced boredom; you pushed your knuckles harder against your eyes, gaining a strange euphoria.

The passing time seemed to slow with each prolonged second. Your loneliness grew.

He still wasn’t here. Nor had he called. Abstaining from abusing your eyes, you watched the clock. How each second merely passed, as if it did not hold your hurt and frustration. Time had always held importance to you, watching how your clock ticked down each second, it seemed meritless yet you realised how much value each moment held. It was hard not to when you’re entire existence depended on timing and when you the years turned into days, you knew timing determined everything within life. So your anxiety piled up. Though you knew how much love you held for Sehun, unsympathetic thoughts of having told him too early daunted you. If you had heard him repeat those sweet words to you then the agitation growing within you would be subdued. Yet his elusive presence and nonexistent words of affection didn’t stray your belief he felt the same. But what was belief to reality?

You watched the clock, your mind occupied with thoughts that held no important. Forceful thoughts to rid you of your haunting worries. The irregular beating of your heart indicated you needed a source of comfort. 

The only comfort you could get would be knowing where he was. Picking up your phone, you pressed call on his contact. You listened to the phone ring with hope you would soon hear his voice.but were met with his voice message.

Without hesitation, you rang him again. No thoughts occupying your head. You tapped your fingers on top of your lips. The extensive ringing made you believe he wouldn’t pick up; with a sudden melting of hope, you pulled the phone away from your ear. Just before you could save your ears from the endless ringing, Sehun’s rumbling voice flooded out. 

“Hello? Y/N?” 

Immediately, you placed your phone back against your ear. Your eyes wide in surprise, your smile full of joy. 

“Hi! I just wanted to know when you would get here by. It’s kinda late but you said you would come so I’ll stay up if yo-”

A dry sigh of disapproval interrupted your excited flood of words. Your next words clogged in your throat, waiting for him to speak. Your mind went blank as you heard him shuffle around and close a door, you realised he was at home.

“I know but I can’t anymore. When I said I was busy, I meant it. It’s really draining me and you calling isn’t helpin-” Your ears perked up at hearing a second voice interrupt him. A soft, feminine voice. Though you couldn’t hear what she said or who she was, you knew she meant something to Sehun from the way he kindly replied. 

“I’ve got to go,” He mumbled, making her sweet tone with the unknown girl seem more intense.

With your words still stuck in your throat, you were left to hear the dreary, heavy sound of nothingness.

You were left with the banal heartache, so expected from love.


The thumping of your heart, if you waited any longer, could delude you into thinking a heart attack would hit you. A hand was placed over your erratic heart, as it would keep it in your chest if it attempted to jump out.

With your spare hand, you knocked harshly against the door once again; you began mentally preparing yourself, not sure for what.You felt a sharp zap of electricity run up your arm, the same arm with the clock. Irked with the pestering sensation that kept you company for the past few days, you furrowed your brows. Knocking against the door in a new found anger.

Before you could knock more violently, the door swung open. An equally frustrated, ruffled looking Sehun came into your sight.

His narrowed eyes widened once he realised it was you. The girl he had forgotten about and neglected for weeks. The girl who loved him. With a deep breath, he relaxed his expression.

“What are you doing here?” His voice was unusually calm, as if he knew he deserved the anger you held within your eyes. Not even thinking of answering his question, you pushed past him and into this apartment. He followed your movements with his eyes as he twisted on the spot, you turned around to watch him close the door. There was no use you thought, you weren’t going to stay long. 

“What’s wrong with you? Why have you been avoiding me?” The strong facade you held up managed to stay intact even within your voice, despite the way you crumbled inside. You didn’t want to know.

Sehun rubbed the side of his face in shame, fully aware of how he had been treating you. He licked his lips. He took a few steps forward but you blocked him from walking away, and in so in acceptance of the situation, he leaned the back of his head against the door. You knew him well enough to know that despite his glazed eyes, he was deep in contemplation of revealing his truth.

“Don’t lie to me, Sehun,” The softness in your voice grew as the realisation of the situation oozed into you.

He swallowed after hearing your words. Don’t lie to you? That’s all he’d ever done to you though. Every word of affection, every graze of his hand over yours, every kiss, every hold you were in was a lie. It was all a lie when his mind was occupied with another. 

However he would die of shame if anyone accused him of not trying. He tried to love you. To feel even an ounce of what you felt for him. He couldn’t when what you felt for him, he felt for another.

“I can’t be with you, Y/N.”

Hearing those words forced you into a state of blurriness. You weren’t sure what to feel when you felt everything at once. Your throat dried up and your racing heartbeat slowed. The previous zap of electricity surged through you, yet with the numbness you felt nothing. The silence urged him on.

“If it wasn’t this way, I would love you. But I don’t.” His voice strained in emotion. “I can’t be with someone I don’t love, Y/N.  Yes I do love you, but not the way you love me because I feel that way for someone else. I’ve felt it since I met her. I’ve felt it even when we were together,” His voice drowned into a whisper of truth.

Your voice was devoid of emotion, yet your eyes welled up both from hidden emotion and the heat bubbling in your arm where you clock sat. “But we’re soulmates, Sehun. We have to be together.”

“Being soulmates does not mean I love you. It means I should but not when-”

“Not when you love her.”

He nodded, his head hanging low in both shame and hatred of the way he felt. You scoffed, unamused. Neither of you wanting to state the obvious. A burdening silence festered as you both listened to the ominous ticking of the clock. 

Your throat closed in and your heart clenched, the silence allowing you to fully understand what this meant. Your bottom lip quivered slightly, decided to face the truth you started speaking.

“I’ll die,” Your shaky whisper barely loud enough to reach him. With a rough sniffle, he threw his head back and blinked. As if he hated hearing it out loud. He may not hold the type of love you held for him, but he did love you. He cared for you immensely and it broke him into pieces knowing he was the reason this was going to happen. Your existence would be smudged, not wiped because you would still remain within his heart. The person who saved him is the person he used, the person who would die because of his selfish ways. He would lose his soulmate for a love he wasn’t sure would last. And it broke him. His suffering had began.

“Isn’t death better than suffering?” His voice was heavy with emotion. Fallen tears ran down his face which he quickly wiped away, only to have them replaced by new ones.

Your arm twitched violently with a new shock of electricity. Your vision blurred with pain. Soon replaced with darkness. The abyss no longer decorated with stars.

A malfunction in the system. A denying of reality.

And so you lost your love.

You lost your life.

The portrayal of Alec’s relationship with his mother is really interesting and important to me. In the beginning of the series, you have him trying to live up to his parents expectations, to set a good example for his siblings, to be a strong shadowhunter and leader. He doesn’t call out his mother’s problematic treatment of Isabelle, even though I’m sure he didn’t agree with it. He simply tries to keep the attention away from her by being The Good Son™ and making sacrifices on behalf of his family, so they don’t have to.

Alec never had a reason to question his parents before, to doubt the lessons they taught, to doubt their perspective and beliefs. It’s not until he learns that they were once members of the Circle, a group that wanted to completely eradicate the downworlders, that we see him slowly starting to question his parents and wondering if they’ve just been using him and his siblings to try and make up for their own mistakes. It’s not that Alec never thought for himself before, because of course, we know he did - it’s just that his perspective was limited and he didn’t question his parents or the Clave because he had never been given a reason to before. It’s what he, and many other shadowhunters, were raised to believe.

So we see Alec begin to turn on his mother a bit because suddenly a lot of her expectations for him and Isabelle seem hypocritical. She judges them for any mistake they make, acting as if she never made any of her own. She expects them to be obedient and law abiding when she and Robert both turned on the Clave. Of course there’s a reason for this - she’s trying to protect her children from making the same mistakes she did - but she goes about it the wrong way, and Alec is understandably too angry to even consider the reason behind her strictness.

And this kind of follows their relationship into the second season, where Alec has made it clear that he’s not going to be the obedient son anymore, that he is going to fight for the things he believes in and the people he cares about. More importantly, he’s not going to stand by and blindly take his mother’s criticism if it’s unwarranted and he’s not going to bend over backwards to earn her approval anymore because he’s learning that while it would be nice to have, he doesn’t need it. He never did. So he stands up for Jace when Maryse tells him to forget about his parabatai, and he stands up for Magnus when she lets her prejudice against downworlders show, because he is done standing idly by while she says bad things about the people he cares about.

But despite everything, despite the secrets and the criticism and her inability (so far, at least) to completely accept Alec for who he is and who he loves, Alec still loves her. He doesn’t turn a blind eye to her flaws and isn’t afraid to call her on them, but she is still his mother and that’s something that never changed for him. When he learns that his father is cheating on her and sees how it’s upsetting her, how hard she’s struggling to hold herself together, he sympathizes with her and immediately sets aside their differences and goes into protective mode. We don’t know a lot about Maryse and Robert’s relationship, but the fact that Alec shared the story of their proposal with Magnus so he could honor them with the theme for Max’s party suggests to me that they’ve viewed them as mostly being happily married. So learning of Robert’s cheating does come as a surprise, especially when Alec was under the impression that they were fighting because of his recent life choices.

And I just love that Alec gets to have such a complex relationship with his mother, who he has every reason to resent but can’t completely because… Alec’s all about his family. They mean everything to him, no matter how angry he may get with them or how much he may disagree with their views. And I find it very realistic that he would set aside his anger and frustration with his mother to offer her comfort during what he recognizes to be a difficult time in her life. That’s just who Alec is. And Robert cheating on Maryse obviously doesn’t excuse the harmful things she’s said, it doesn’t redeem her, but it adds a sympathetic nuance to her characterization that wasn’t there before because for all her flaws she does love her family. She’s just not very good at it.

And I think that this has the potential to be the beginning of a redemption arc for her, because Alec has made it clear that if she wants to make things right with him, she has to make them right with the people he cares about, too. And she’s started doing that with Jace, but let’s be honest, we all know eventually she’s going to have to do that with Magnus, too. Alec’s giving her time to come around while making it known that Magnus isn’t going anywhere so yes, she does have to get used to him and at the very least learn to be civil. And she will, or she’ll push him away.

IDK their relationship is just so multifaceted and I really enjoy it and I’m looking forward to seeing more of it in the future. Ultimately the goal is to begin eradicating the prejudice against downworlders and breaking those barriers, and although right now it seems like we’re a long way away from that, it’d be nice to see it happen with Maryse, especially with the depth Nicola brings to the character. At the very least, the narrative seems to consistently call out her problematic behaviour, and we need more of that on the show IMO.

A Fool’s Hope

Characters: CastielXReader, Dean Winchester, mention of Sam Winchester

Word Count: 1487

A/N: What do you get when you mix a traditional day of pranks with a wise-ass Winchester, a bumbling well-meaning angel, and a love-struck doubting reader? This fluffy April Fools’ Day drabble, that’s what!

(not my GIF)

“Y/N?” Castiel tarried at the threshold of your open door scanning the apparently occupant-less room.

Hair disheveled, sporting sleep rumpled pajamas, nestled on the floor amidst a comfy pile of pillows and blankets on the far side of the bed, lost in the pages of a book, you stifled a groan – the angel had developed a particular knack as of late for catching you at the worst times. Just last week he ran into you in the hall, or maybe it was the other way around. Either way, you had been stark naked, having forgotten a towel for the shower and not wanting to get your clothes wet, and engaged in a somewhat leisurely stroll to your room under the mistaken belief you had the bunker to yourself. For several days afterward, Cas maintained a curiously strong interest in the ceiling whenever he was in your presence. It might have been amusing if it weren’t so embarrassing – and also if you didn’t happen to be so head over heels in love with the angel. Combing fingers haphazardly through tangled locks to smooth them, you peeked over the mattress. “Hey Cas, what’s up?”

“Is this a bad time?” He took a tentative step further into the room.

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Facing uncomfortable truths about abuse

This week has been about facing truths, some of which I wish I never had to face, and I know that Mr. Juulna has had to face some pretty harsh truths as I have spoken them to him. Some he has accepted, at least at face value, and some I don’t think he will ever be willing to face, let alone accept.

One of which (is a vast meta umbrella) is that he abused me.

But… it was in a subtle way. Before last Tuesday, July 4th (yes, apparently fate decided to be dramatic with me and its timing), I was unwilling to truly accept that I was abused. 

I wasn’t being physically abused. No, not often. (Yeah, and isn’t that a ridiculous sounding statement.)

But subtle, emotional abuse, is still abuse.

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