and then they cane at you

more people should follow me and here are my reasons
  1. 1. given the opportunity and resources i would fist fight pobular gaming company Capcom
  2. 2. i’ve eaten about 20 mini candy canes today
  3. 3. i can i will explain the plot of naruto to you 

anonymous asked:

What’s all this about candy canes? (Sorry I’m new)

Oh never apologize for asking questions!!!

Sooooo, two years ago I wrote @justanotherdrarryblog some filthy Christmas smut called Have You Been a Good Boy? Which featured praise!kink, Draco in a velvet Santa Suit, mild BDSM with Christmas tinsel and most notably some super NSFW things with a candy cane.

Last year I wasn’t able to write anything smutty for Christmas because I had a new baby and was a human zombie…. but all holiday season I was reminded by people they couldn’t look at candy canes the same anymore.  Which someone just told me a few days ago when they read it for the first time.

My goal this year is to write something even kinkier and smuttier and defile something else associated with Christmas, because why not!  I’m just trying to decide what.  And if anyone is interested it will be in the same verse as the last one.  :)

randomstar365  asked:

In light of recent events regarding Miraculous Ladybug season 2 and what not could you describe your reaction to Hawkmoth's fight scene with the pieces of tech and your hc that the staff could become a sword? The first time I watched I know I immediately thought of this AU haha. Anyway a couple questions: 1. Does any of the newer information in season 2 affect your AU? 2. Does the absence of the Peacock and butterfly miraculous change the part where Adrien discovers the miraculous? (Pt 1)

Haha okay so first of all with the confirmation of the sword cane I was like “yessss” and I felt very pleased with myself lol… to me it was kind of an obvious sort of thing but I mean… I guess that was kind of why it was my headcanon, huh? All the missiles HM has in his layer are more of a concern to me with regard to canon than they are with regard to the au. Greyling has no use for weaponry like that, especially not in his butterfly room, and I don’t think he’d be able to acquire it anyway. But does HM expect someone to infiltrate his room??? Suspicious.

So, going down the list:

1) Most of the information revealed so far has little effect on what I’ve already written since, as I’ve mentioned, s2′s developments are largely outside the scope of the main storyline for the AU. The biggest thing that’s more filled out is to that point you’re making in question 2.

2) So now that we know how the Butterfly miraculous got lost in canon, we can just switch roles a bit: instead of the Butterfly getting lost and Fu saving the Cat Noir ring, the two are switched. Fu loses the Peacock and Cat miraculouses, but saves the Butterfly with the rest. Being that the Cat ring is so powerful, it’s been a far more urgent task to attempt to recover it, and he’s been trying to hunt it down pretty fiercely for at least a century and a half.

3) None of the Akumas thus far have really spoken to me in a way that suggests  I need to include them in the scope of the story, but if one does I will include them. Riposte is certainly a strong contender in that regard depending on how much we end of seeing of Kagami. Even if I don’t include them in the story, they certainly almost all have their place within the au, but as I’ve mentioned before a lot of them end up coming up when the duo are older and the two are raising kids.

4) Sabrina? Remains to be seen. I want canon to give me a little more information to work with on her before I really try to dive into fleshing her out. Unfortunately, given the way I have things structured so far (in that this focuses more heavily on the main two + gabe and less on the fights and other characters), it’s looking unlikely that she’ll have much of a role here.

5) Nathalie and Adrien are roughly on the same page as to when they find out. Gabriel is a lot less conspicuous about what he’s doing in the shadows here, but I think he eventually tells her himself to make his life easier. She was probably already suspicious anyhow. Gabe really puts her in between a rock and a hard place even if she doesn’t show it, but it certainly seals the deal with whose side she’s on between the two Agrestes.

6) It might come up in passing, but it’s not really much of a major plot point. I can see it as Adrien getting curious about the lore after finding the book. Heaven knows when that happens though.

7) That is… an excellent question haha. I would think, as a base level answer to it, that he’s still affiliated with the school. I know of people in my own personal life who have been cyber/home schooled and still participated in extracurricular school functions, so I don’t see how, logistically, it couldn’t work that way here as well. Honestly, I’m more curious as to why, if his dad was so against public school, he’d fill up his time with so many activities linked to the school that required Adrien to go out and basically be 50% enrolled in public school by time spent doing shit. Kinda hypocritical move, Gabe, of course he’d want to be able to get in a word edgewise when his basketball teammates start complaining about Mrs. Mendeleiv’s homework lol

Thanks for such a lovely set of asks, friend!! Hope you have a great day/evening too!

The Turkey Story

 So it’s 2001, and my family drives from fucking California and like three blizzards to get to Ohio for thanksgiving, becuase my grandparents are moving into a nursing home and it’s their last holiday in that house.  So its a bit bittersweet but ultimately a good thing.

Since it’s their last holiday there, the family pulls out all the stops when it comes to dinner, all the Russian desserts come out, as does the Lethal Bacon Mashed Potatoes and the horrible candied yams dish because not all expressions of love are good, even if they are sincere.  In the spirit of going all-out, Uncle Bobby smokes a Turkey.  

Uncle Bobby started cooking as a boy scout by tossing foil-wrapped potatoes into a campfire and has been addicted since, and now has a hand-made smokehouse in the backyard where he makes various cured meats and other delights.  He seasons the turkey in the traditional manner, but he and grandpa have a shared passion for a spaicier mesquite-style bird, so Bobby makes a Cornish Game Hen seasoned that way, for them.

Then Bobby has a Brilliant Idea.  He realizes that he can stuff the turkey (once it has been smoked) with regular stuffing, and there is still plenty of room for him to put the game hen inside THAT, and stuff the game hen becuase why not?  He confers with Mom, and she explains how to cut open the turkey so there’s  dramatic reveal as the stuffing and game hen come out.  It’s Genius.

Except, of course, that my Aunt Sue is attending, Uncle Cliff slouching after her.

So the day of the dinner, tensions are running a bit high, between the marathon cooking, the kids all being trapped indoors due to aforementioned blizzards, and Uncle Cliff deciding that the best way to amuse himself is by hiding from the adults in the basement, getting drunk and rambling about how various ethic groups were destroying America.  Being that I had close Muslim friends that were leaving the country becuase of 9/11, I was near tears from this nonsense and ready to fight a man roughly five times my size.  

Sue, for some reason, keeps coming down and defending him, or telling us we’re rotten children for ‘attacking’ him, becuase she Must Stand By Her Man, even if her man is a hefty bag of feces with an ugly mustache.

My sister eventually bolts upstairs to tattle and my grandfather limps down to the basement and brandishes his Hip-Bone Cane, hands rock-steady in spite of the Parkinson’s slowly taking over him.

“Firstly Cliff, It may not be my roof much longer but while you are under it you will be civil, or I’ll beat your skull in.  Also, dinner’s ready, everyone go wash up.”

We go upstairs and sit down, and do the traditional “Name one thing you’re thankful for” as the bread gets passed around the table, and things calm down a bit.  Bobby brings out the Turkey and everyone goes OOH becuase it’s really pretty, them Mom carves it open so that the stuffing spills out dramatically along with the game hen and there’s an appreciative gasp all around becuase it looks cool.

Only Sue KEEPS gasping, in utter horror, before getting up and clasping her hands to her face ala Edvard Munch and shrieks-


We all stare at Sue.  We all look back at the fully-dressed-cooked-and-stuffed birds that in no way had any internal organs in them or ever gave live birth. Then we all looked back at Sue, trying to figure out where to begin but since she’d been trying to justify Cliff’s behavior she was pretty much free-associating conspiracies and scandals now, and just kept going.

“IT WAS PREGNANT MY GOD WE’VE COMMITTED AN ABORTION WE’RE ALL GOING TO HELL FOR THIS, I’M SO SORRY JESUS-” She goes into full pearl-clutching gibbering horror at this point and falls back into her chair like it’s a Victorian fainting couch only it’s a shitty chair from the Eisenhower administration so it collapses and she slams into the floor, sobbing and kicking her feet like a toddler.

Everyone watched for a moment before my Mom sighs heavily and starts carving and serving the turkey while my grandmother mouths “she’s not coming back”.   

Cliff, reactions delayed by about six beers, finally notices his wife is on the floor and tries to pick her up, falls on his ass himself.  They are assisted by Dad, who is saintly patient man and less immune to this jacknapery at that point. I am stuffing dinner rolls into my face to keep from laughing at this grand spectacle and it’s not working.

“I CAN’T EAT IT, I REFUSE TO PARTAKE IN THIS BARBARISM-”  Sue begins but Dad puts on his best Kindly Father voice (he went to seminary school long enough to learn that before getting drafted but that’s another story) and assures Sue that she need not eat, or even be in the room if she wants.  She nods, placated by being the center of attention again, and Dad goes in for the kill.

“I wouldn’t want you to go hungry.  Can I make you some Eggs?”

“That would be lovely.” Said Sue, joke flying over her head like a boeing 747.  I recall watching my grandmother nearly choke to death on the green beans over that, and everyone pointedly trying to avoid talking about anything poultry-related while Sue sat there and ate the most ironic scrambled eggs in the history of mankind.

Shortly thereafter, Cliff threw up in the sink and they went home, and the party got underway properly, with Grandpa raising a toast to Mom and Uncle Bobby “For marrying well, for a change”

“Pregnant Turkey” has been an Ohioan thanksgiving staple since then.  I’ll see if I can hit Uncle Bobby up for instructions but if you decide to make it 1. you HAVE to shriek “OH MY GOD IT WAS PREGNANT” when you carve it open, or it’s not authentic and won’t taste as good 2. Share the pictures with me.

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anonymous asked:

if you got a golden ticket to willy wonkas chocolate factory, in what ironic candy-ass manner would you be killed

i try to disseminate marxist literature to the oompa loompas and wonka stabs me thru the back with a candy cane sword

The answers we received for WKM really truly amazing, funny and as well as incredibly heartbreaking.

The fact that The Colonel was so remorseful about killing us wasn’t a big shocker, as we fall we can see it on his face, the shock, the regret. See that’s not what gets me— what fucking gets me is that I completely forgot this was taking place at night and I didn’t realize that William had been sitting on that chair the entire night. Like during that time he probably took off his coat and his red scarf and in an act of kindness in an act of remorse he drapes his coat over your body, puts his scarf under your head as a makeshift pillow and just sits there. 

FOR TEN FUCKING HOURS he sits there and holds Damien’s cane, his best friend, his brother in every sense but blood itself. The Colonel sits there and just mourns for everything he has lost. And the regret for killing you, Us, someone he knew that Damien had been fond of, that saw us as his friend too. Probably thinking ““What have I done!?”

And then the KICKER— That wasn’t what drove him over the edge. But Us, the viewer standing up after ten hours of complete and utter stillness. The Colonel’s world shatters and his psyche breaks, thinking that “no this wasn’t my fault, it was all an accident, no ones dead, not really, my friends are still alive. It was all a joke.” 

and that right fucking there is what gets me. 

six of memes
  • introducing ‘what the wylan van heck’ and ‘kuwei yul-no’
  • kaz brekker, suffering single father of 6 children
  • wylan: did you know dihydrogen monoxide has infiltrated our water systems?
  • matthias, very seriously: we must inform the authorities at once
  • 'ketterdaMN IT’
  • it’s rap battle night in the crow club but half the people turned up for slam poetry
  • nina, swirling juice in a wine glass: 'ah yes, the bourgeoisie’.
  • kaz: wylan is annoying
  • someone: yeah he sure is
  • kaz, cane swinging: what the fUCK DID U JUST SAY
  • jesper: my love…go on,,,without me,,i am fallen…this is the end
  • wylan: jes, it’s just a papercut chill
  • jesper, gasping: how could you be so cruel??? on my deATHBED
  • kaz: i think i’m sick. whenever i look at inej my heart beats faster and i sweat and my stomach feels weird.
  • nina: kaz, those are called feelings
  • kaz:
  • kaz: well is there a cure or what
  • wylan: hey kuwei what did u get for question 5
  • kuwei: the fleeting nature of life…the changeability of the tide…the great mistress, time, who beholds the lives of all
  • wylan:
  • wylan: it was a maths quiz
  • matthias: the wildlife here is so strange. why is that penguin in a tree? 
  • nina: matthias, that’s a squirrel.
  • matthias: see you in hell
  • nina: uh are u asking me on a date because i accept
  • kaz: ok kaz u can do this. ur smooth. ur cool.
  • inej: hey kaz
  • kaz: you have a face
  • kaz: nailed it
  • someone: this person is being mean to me
  • inej: stab them
  • jesper: wears lime green and yellow pants
  • nina, tearing up: please god just let me die 
  • someone: hey inej can I have some advice
  • inej: a knife
  • someone: better advice
  • inej: two knives
  • dregs: *do something illegal*
  • matthias: but that’s illegal
  • dregs:
  • dregs: matthias
  • matthias: kaz i have feelings for you
  • kaz: um
  • matthias: feelings of hate
wkm chapter 4 explanation
  • the colonel is looking out for celine and damien like he’s the only one who cares about them. juxtapose that to colonel’s reaction to mark’s death.
  • amy did the amazing special effects with the green/blue/black room.
  • original idea was that damien was going to be first to be shot, and that the colonel’s descent to madness was stemmed from having shot his friend.
  • its not fair is it scene - mark’s body is completely fucked up. the scene where mark walks down the stairs, mark’s body is very damaged. that’s not mark saying the line, its someone speaking through mark’s body.
  • even if you die in the house, you’re not actually really dead, but your body keeps getting more and more broken.
  • after celine left, mark spiraled down, and possibly tried to kill himself, but it didn’t work. mark stabbed himself, drowned himself, etc. to try and push the limits.
  • mark’s wife left him, his friend betrayed him, and there’s this voice that tells mark “that’s not fair”, because its not fair. why should they be happy? – “they shouldn’t be happy. maybe they don’t deserve to be happy. maybe you should set something up to make sure they won’t ever be happy again.”
  • the house is “cursed” and plays into mark’s mind and pushes him into doing things. the longer you’re in the house, the worse you become.
  • the colonel killed mark, but it wasn’t intentional. mark set up that he could frame the colonel for his death, and then mark could steal the colonel’s body and get revenge.
  • mark is a heartbroken idiot.
  • the house sees mark’s plan of taking over the colonel’s body but when the house “sees” celine, it poses a new plan that mark should take over damien’s body (who has a higher position of power) and get out scot free. this causes damien to become upset. 
  • damien just wants to help. he’s a good boi™.
  • the colonel was waiting there the entire time and cradling damien’s cane, mourning him, the entire night. that doesn’t mean madness, it means regret. the colonel’s madness was seeing the broken body come back up and thinking that its a joke.
  • colonel didn’t get closure as to what happened about damien and that’s why he runs off.
  • wilford warfstache’s suspenders are pink because its faded from the original red.
  • the colonel wears bowties because of damien??
  • when the glass breaks in the mirror, you’re not looking yourself in the eyes, it’s not your body anymore.
  • in all of damien’s good intentions, he kicked you out of your body. dark is created by the house’s evil, taking damien and celine and forcing them together into one broken body.
  • mark asked the colonel to meet in the cellar for a drink, hence the broken bottle. mark wanted everything to be fine between them, but the colonel was uncertain. so mark decided to play a game and they ended up playing a game of russian roulette. mark ended up getting shot, but mark wanted it to happen, but the colonel ended up freaking out about it and tried to cover it up.
  • in conclusion, it’s WHY kill markiplier, instead of who.
  • me: i wanna talk to that person
  • brain: !!wHOA THERE BUCKO you might wanna slow DOWN! you talked to them YESTERDAY! if you talk to them again they're just gonna get annoyed with you!!!
  • me: shit fam you right
  • What she says: I'm fine
  • What she means: Matt Murdock got himself a fold-up cane in the Defenders, which is good for him because now he won't waste his canes by throwing them in alleyways, but this means that we'll no longer see him chucking canes away before he does parkour, and that's truly a shame.