and then make lots of depressing stuff

person: why is all the music you listen to so depressing :///

what i think: i have multiple mental illnesses and a way to cope with them is listening to music by mentally ill musicians, because i can relate to the lyrics and it makes me feel like im not just being overdramatic or making things up if i hear people singing about things i experience (i.e. depression, mania, etc) and so while the lyrics might sound depressing and make you feel bad, it honestly helps me a lot to listen to “depressing” music

what i say: lov them sad boiz ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

anonymous asked:

secret: i have a bf rn ( im bi) and i'm still heavily in love with my ex whom i've been split from for 6 months now. i miss her so much, she drove me crazy and we used to fight a lot (why we broke up lol) but omg, being with him just doesn't feel right. i mean i used to fight with my ex a lot but we understood each other and we had such a gr8 emotional connection.. but with my bf he just doesn't understand how to deal with depression n stuff and ugh i miss her a lot. what do i do.

I think you should breakup with him bx
1. You aren’t over your ex so maybe you should just take some time for yourself and just figure it out
2. You don’t sound happy with him, like if he doesn’t understand it or really help and doesn’t make you happy you shouldn’t stay together because
A. It’ll be dragging it on and lowkey leading him on because you aren’t happy
B. If one isn’t happy in the relationship the other won’t be either

Somebody said Humans would be the Mad Scientist species to aliens- like, aliens watch Back To The Future, and they see Doc Brown, and they think yes this is a human scientist, they’re all that crazy, these humans do such insane things with science.

I would like to offer an alternative.

Humans are tough. We can shrug off plenty of injuries, and we recover pretty fast from most others. Hell, we find minor injuries amusing (Don’t tell me you’ve never laughed at someone getting hit in the balls).

Humans have a skewed sense of danger. We think baby anything is cute- tigers, lions, alligators, whatever, no matter how scary they grow up to be- and even then there’s people that would happily cuddle up to a grizzly. Even less adventurous humans keep vermin as pets, or snakes, or dogs, that apex predator sub-species we made.

We are fascinated by morbid and scary stuff. We have a whole genre designed to terrify people. Tons of fantasy revolves around deadly monsters, plenty of which involve romance with said monsters. Lots of grim dystopias in sci-fi. Even children’s stories involve grandmothers getting eaten or witches getting cooked in their own oven.

And if you’re on this site, you know all the jokes we make about depression or social anxiety, or joking about wanting to die.

We aren’t the Doc Brown species.

We’re the Addams Family Species.

russian classical authors like guys from high school 

(just some of them, both novelists and poets)

Pushkin: popular guy who’s  good at freestyle rap, untrustworthy lady’s man, the main editor and the founder of school’s newspaper, fluent in french

Lermontov: Emo, loves the most popular girl in school, but also hates her (and the rest of the school too), reckless, likes mountains and the idea of spirit of freedom, good at painting, but nobody knows.

Leo Tolstoy: teachers hates his essays bc they’re too long, writes text in half-page long sentences, cheated on his girlfriend several times.

Gogol: some dudes are mocking him bc of his nose and haircut, has good sense of humour, writes satirical articles for school’s newspaper, loves everything his mom cooks.

Dostoyevsky: likes to stay in the shadow, had difficult childhood, once forgot to return a pen he had borrowed and can’t sleep well at night ever since, poor, hates bright colours

Kuprin: desperately falls in love with everybody, constantly writes lots of love letters, buys expensive jewlery to his girlfriend.

Griboyedov: natural born diplomat, sharp-witted, mood swings, travelled to middle asia once, wears glasses and fancy scarfs.

Bulgakov: smokes tobacco pipe, likes black cats and tweed suits, wears monocle and lots of hair gel, mysterious, walks a lot at night.

Esenin: underage alcoholic, an actual hillbilly, girls always love his hair, spends at least one month in the summer in the coutnryside with his grandparents, always ready to fight.

Mayakovsky: tall and loud, talks about weird futuristic shit a lot, always makes up new strange words, good at debates and discussions, depressed deeply inside, somehow handsome.

HARRY STYLES is hurtling towards chart domination in the UK and US this week with his critically acclaimed debut album.

But as he emerges to greet me — dressed head to toe in black — from the back of a trailer parked behind the venue of his first ever solo show in North London, it’s clear he is in a reflective mood.

Security have just ordered us not to move more than two metres from the modest caravan — where his band members are chilling after sound check — to avoid the ­hundreds of fans gathered nearby.

It’s for their own safety, of course. Who knows the reaction if they knew just a fence and four guards stand between them and the new prince of rock ’n’ roll?

The ONE DIRECTION superstar shrugs it off — this level of hysteria has become a commonplace part of his day-to-day life.

My first interview with the band, in the X Factor canteen seven years ago, took place as a number of teenage girls were climbing on the roof.

It was a sign of things to come.

This is the first time I have seen Harry since 1D went on an ­indefinite break at the end of 2015 and there’s a lot to talk about.

Keep reading


closure (3/3) - time

the beginning of the video shows that they are in a cold, colorless winter. as they ride the train, which suggests the time they’ve passed in this sadness, they are hoping to meet someone again when spring (and happiness) return. when the sunlight starts to shine into the train car again, we realize that jungkook is not alone, everyone is accompanying him out of the snowy times. and when the train finally stops, they get off together and gentle breezes and golden sunlight warm over them. the lyrics tell us, no winter can last forever: no matter how hard things are, no matter how much we miss someone, they are reassuring us that over time, one day we will be able to let go of our heavy hearts and that we will meet our loved ones again on a spring day. 

Too Deep

Summary: When your depression consumes you, you almost don’t make it through this time.

Request: Could you please do a Cas x reader where reader has severe depression? She self harms too? Nobody knows because she hides it well, but Cas finds out one day. Like, maybe they guys are out, and she wears some stuff that shows her scars. Or maybe it gets hotter, and Cas starts questioning her. Obviously angst, but I also want a whole lot of fluff please. Thank you! Requested by Anon <3

A/N: The ending of this is fluffy, I realize this one is a bit darker, so please know that if you ever need to talk, you’re free to come to me. I’ve been there myself, I get it, I know those voices in your head can say some nasty things <3

-Feedback is always appreciated!

Pairing: Castiel x Reader

Warnings: Depression, attempted suicide, language fluffy ending

Word Count: 1.2k

Originally posted by lucifersagents

Things weren’t typically this bad for you; but as the blood trickled down your arm and onto the bathroom floor, the only thing you hoped for was death.

You’d kept yourself from giving into the urge for weeks. You distracted yourself. You’d rub old scars, snap rubber bands on your wrists, or even take the less harmful route and burn yourself with a Bic.

But today, you woke up to Dean knocking on your door, telling you to get up and get ready. You’d be going swimming. But you couldn’t run from the sinking feeling in your chest, or the voices in your head that told you you’d be better off dead.

Keep reading

Being Clay Jensen’s Younger Sister Includes...


Warning: profanity

Request: here

Note: heyy im back and imma try to make aas many imagines as i can so i can (try at least) to empty out my requests! And please request stuff anytime!!


y/n/n - your nick name

y/n - your name

  • Best buds
  • Um i guess you could call it that




  • No but you love each other, like a lot

“Hands off Walker, that isn’t yours.”

“I’m sure she can handle what she wants.”

“Yeah I can, but my brother’s voice is better than mine so.”

  • You didn’t really like Hannah, but you let her be and you’re not one to hurt anyone in the first place so you kindly chit chat here and there but you weren’t besties
  • Inside jokes 24/7

“I really like s'mores.”


“BUT i like snickers more.”


  • You don’t even know where this stuff comes from, it just does
  • Having the BIGGEST crush on Jeff, like ever


“Yeah, Clay?”

“Y/n likes you lol i’m gonna die.”

“Good cuz i like her too.”

“Yeah and you don’t even care that i’m gonna die.”

“I’ll be coming to your funeral buddy.”


You didn’t murder him, you just stabbed him a couple times

JKJK you don’t have a knife lol


“You think this is enough camouflage?”

“Yeah sure Clay, we DEFINITELY will not get noticed in camouflage in a fUCKING RESTAURANT.”

“Right. I’m so smart. Thank me later.”


  • Eventually you see them and let them be
  • First kiss with jeff was sweet and it was at your doorstep and clay was tearing up

“Ohmagah its cute mom.”

“Not as cute as me and your father’s first-”

“Yeah im good now.”

  • Tapes, tapes, tapes
  • Clay gets distant and you’re so scared, you just wanted to cry yourself to sleep every night, in which you did
  • You were upset and got distant from him as well
  • Clay noticed and he missed you so he comes back to talk

“You come back, now?”

“I’m sorry just a lot of stuff on my mind and-”

“For a month Clay. A month.”

  • Talking about life

“You always come home with bruises. At 11 AM. I get scared Clay. I get scared that I’m gonna lose you.”
“You won’t I promise, just please hear my side of the story.”
“It better be good because it’s a lot to make up for on my part.”

  • Clay gets really depressed after listening to the tapes, he knew you were his best friend and he had to tell you at some point about the tapes

“I’m sorry Y/n/n, I haven’t been me lately, and there is one reason why… But promise not to tell anyone?”
“I’d like to know why you’ve been treating me and mom and dad like shit first. Promises later.”

  • You were pissed
  • At Justin, at Bryce, at Courtney, but mostly Clay

“You could’ve told me from the start, you know suicide is not a joke. You can’t do this alone. You could’ve told me sooner Clay. I’m just disappointed.”

  • You calm Clay down after his breakdowns and his panic attacks
  • You keep him alive
  • Tbh he couldn’t live without you
  • Even if he didn’t want to admit, he loved you, a lot

“Siblings from the start Clay,”
“Siblings until the end Y/n,”

Okay so I normally wouldn't take to social media about this but I need help...

This really isn’t a joke. You guys might have noticed that I haven’t been doing requests much lately or barely even at all. But this is really an issue for me. I feel like I am going insane or something. I know that I am not actually going insane but there are so many things wrong with me and I have a full anxiety attack when I see a bug. I mean… I am not stable. I can’t sleep no matter how hard I try. Exams are on at my school right now. School in general is giving me so much work to do. I’m never hungry but like I never eat. I over work myself too much. I have to do things a certain way like OCD. I see things moving in the corner of my eye and it is just a shoe or something. I am so paranoid about bugs anywhere. I scratch my arms but sometimes I wake up with marks starting to scab on my legs. I get depressed easily and to be honest I have been thinking about suicide a lot. I know that not many of you guys are going to pay attention to me. My name is Lizzie and I am scared. I am worried that someone is judging me if there is something weird by the way I walk. I can’t act like I normally can anymore. I am not super close with my family and I would prefer to not talk about this kind of stuff to them because they would only just take away the things that make me happy. Just to say this I have ADHD. I need help. Please. I have never done this in my two years on tumblr. I need people to talk to. I should go to bed soon it is 11:11 pm. I have to wake up at 5 am to get ready for school. Honestly anyone please message me. Anon messages or real messages. Just please distract me. I am so paranoid. Keep an eye on me and check in and see how I am doing. That’s all I need is someone to do that. I’m scared. If you read this then thank you. I know many of you won’t message me but I need it. I am only tagging this post with the tags that I know will get seen for someone to help.

Originally posted by stayingmintyfresh

I'm Intersex & bi

… and starting to be proud. 

*deep breath* I’m quite nervous about this, but here it goes.

I decided to officially come out as two things that I’ve actually been ashamed of for the longest of time. I’m doing this because I’m finally getting to that point where I can’t just cope with it or accept it, but I’m actually starting to take pride in being who I am (let’s hope it stays that way!). I also hope that this might reach and maybe in a small way help someone like me who isn’t quite there yet.

First of all: I’m intersex. Intersex is a broad term that implies a person is born physically diverting from the gender binary (it is often confused with transgender, since both often struggle with gender-identity). I’m also however, cisgender. Which -yes-, is possible. I’ve always identified as female and was identified as such at birth. My chromosomes however are XY… I’ll try to explain:

Keep reading

I saw this pic and the first thing that came to my mind was “DO PEOPLE REALLY THINK THIS???!!” i mean WTF. I thought that most of the people would understand the show and would understand what its a mental illness and why Hannah kill herself cause THE SHOW EXPLAIN IT VERY CLEAR but i was wrong. I want to take time and answer to this cause people really need to stop.

To get to the point you first need to know that depression is not just being sad, IT IS A MENTAL ILLNESS and if you have it you really need to get help cause you can’t get through it alone. One thing you also need to learn is what  PTSD is. “ Posttraumatic stress disorder, or PTSD, is a serious potentially debilitating condition that can occur in people who have experienced or witnessed a natural disaster, serious accident, terrorist incident, sudden death of a loved one, war, violent personal assault such as rape, or other life-threatening events. Most people who experience such events recover from them, but people with PTSD continue to be severely depressed and anxious for months or even years following the event ” remember this two cause i’ll be mention them later.

1-)Hannah didn’t kill herself to prove a point, she did it DUE TO THE BULLYING AND ALL THE STUFF THAT HAPPENED TO HER.

 2-)do you think that a girl who was bullied everyday is gonna “stand up for herself”?                                                                                                       When a lot of people start telling you things everyday and start making rumours, you even start to believe them and that thing is lowering your confidence more and more and low confidence + depression is the worst combination ever. Do you really think that a girl could stop the rumours by just “standing  for herself? If Hannah had tried to stop them im pretty sure that wouldn’t have been enough cause PEOPLE LIVE FOR THE RUMOURS AND THEY LOVE SHARING THEM AND TALKING EVEN IF THEYRE NOT REAL AND EVEN IF THE VICTIM SAYS THAT IT AREN’T REAL  THEY WOULD KEEP GOING. Im sure that we all know that standing for yourself isn’t going to do anything. (what really can do is looking for help)

3-) This one was the one that made me write this post “she had a princess complex and she killed herself when she found out life isn’t like that” ARE YOU FUCKIN KIDDING ME? Here’s the thing Hannah didn’t have a “princess complex” i think Hannah, well actually we’re (almost all of the people get) excited about moving to another school, so excited to start all over again, and then suddenly this pic goes all over the school and the rumours start. People aren’t supossed to go through bullying, you’re basically telling me that rape is okay and everybody is supossed to be raped cause life is like that?        ACTUALLY, LIFE ISN’T LIKE THAT.  NO ONE IS SUPOSSED TO BE RAPED  AND TRY TO LIVE WITH THAT. SO IDK WHAT YOU MEAN BY SAYING “WHEN SHE FOUND OUT LIFE ISN’T LIKE THAT”

4-) No one cared about her, because they were all too busy bullying her, slut-shaming her and a lot of things. Why would she care about them if they didn’t give a fuck about her??  (im talking about the ones who hurt her not her parents and Clay) Also she didn’t care about her parents or the others one she loved cause remember she was suffering DEPRESSION  aka she was suffering a MENTAL ILLNESS (read the beginning if you forgot what does that mean) and when you have that you don’t care about anything, you don’t think clearly, you just want to stop everything. (quote from her)

 5-) Yes she put Clay through hell, we can’t deny that but we can agree Clay needed to listen the tapes, he was dying to know what happen to her and if he haven’t listened to them, there wasn’t going to be any justice for Hannah. She blame herself for telling him to go away and for letting him go. ACTUALLY she said it very clear that it wasn’t him it was her and all the things that had happened to her.

6-) Justin could have done something and Hannah too, Hannah and Justin were hearing all and I belive they felt like Bryce was raping them and not Jessica in that moment. But lets remember she was inside the room. (I bet that if she would have gone out of the wardrobe Bryce wasn’t going to let her go that easy) Justin was outside the room. He could have perfectly look for help and I think it’s very clear that he could have done something because Jessica doesn’t want to see him ever again. But let’s forget about that cause the 2 of them could have help Jessica. The reason in that tape wasn’t Justin, it was the guilty feeling she felt for not have done something.

7-) SHE WASN’T SELFISH. SHE HAD A MENTAL ILLNESS. She was raped and she tried to look for help but she didn’t find it. If you put yourself in her place for a second maybe you could understand. She didn’t thought about consequences cause she wasn’t in her mind, do you think that a person who thinks normally and doesn’t have any mental illness would kill himself? No.

Thanks god that series like this exist. To make people aware of what it is like to have a mental illness, and you don’t know what is going in someonelse life and what they’re going through. Also for people like you they made “13 reasons why: Beyond the reasons” its on netflix, you should watch it.

Hannah wasn’t a drama queen.

Don’t make yourself into a reason why.

Meds n Stuff

first of all, everyone responds to meds differently so this is just my experience with these medications, but I thought it may be helpful.

Zyprexa- worked very well for my hallucinations and mood stability, however I gained over 50 pounds while on it without changing my eating routine.

Prozac- my best buddy. sometimes makes me a bit manic if the dosage is too high, but overall has “cured” my OCD symptoms and helps with anxiety a ton.

Latuda- I was only on it for about a week and a half and I was constantly throwing up and felt even more depressed than before.

Klonopin- mildly helps with anxiety and sleep but I have such a high tolerance to the stuff that I’d only really notice a difference if you didn’t give it to me.

Xanax- similar to Klonopin, much faster acting, but less long lasting.

Abilify- I know a lot of people hate it, but for me it works to a degree and I’m on the maximum dosage. It doesn’t stop all of my hallucinations, but it’s so much less severe than before that I’d say t’s doing a good job. As for mood stability, I can’t say it does much for that.

Restoril- good for sleep and panic attacks.

Minipress- amazing for nightmares (especially trauma related), if you have nightmares please tell your psych and ask for minipress. Only downside is it lowers your blood pressure so it makes you kinda dizzy, but ideally you’ll be asleep during this time so that doesn’t really matter.

Lithium- I have a love/hate relationship with lithium. It sure as hell stabilized my mood, but at what cost? I was flat and emotionless and just wanted to feel something. That was why I stopped taking it. 

I hope that helped somebody, please discuss your experiences with these and other medications that I didn’t mention! 

[EDIT] as requested, my diagnosis is schizoaffective bipolar type, borderline personality disorder, OCD, PTSD, and other various anxiety disorders.

Anime recs to temporarily cure depression??????

Idk these series help me out a fucking lot and dont make me want to die anymore. I love depressing shit too but heres a list of more lighthearted stuff I guess

•literally any ghibli movie: literally any of them bESIDES GRAVE OF FIREFLIES NONNONOONONNNOOJJNKOJJ

•ouran highschool host club: its mainstream for a reason. I re watch my favorite episodes of it when im depressed it makes me feel whole

•doukyuusei: lighthearted gay romance without all the disgusting tropes of ya/oi or b/l. Very blissful and pretty to look at. Probably my favorite movie and manga

•nichijou: the funniest short running series of all time

•gakuen handsome: a literal fucking shitpost idk what else to tell you just watch it (watch the half hour long OVA first before the miniseries)

•ghost stories (dub): the best anime dub in existence

•haikyuu!! (?????): idk this show just makes me really happy


•orenchi no furo jijou: a boy finds a merman and lets him live in his bathtub its kinda dumb but cute and lighthearted and also very short

Idk theres probably some I missed but take these theyre good and I like them

Depression is like having to carry an extremely heavy backpack everywhere you go and it’s manageable but it really wears you down and makes you not want to go to things cuz you are gonna have to take a lot of breaks and sit down when everyone else is running around and it’s not like you are in pain but you are just so tired and unable to get the energy to do anything. You just keep putting stuff in the backpack and you think it will cheer you up but it just makes it heavier and sometimes you get to take the backpack off and run around with other people but you can’t just leave the backpack somewhere you always have to bring it back home

So a lot has happened in the span of a day. Here’s how things are going to play out on my blog.

  1. I’ve seen some stuff that makes me genuinely concerned for people’s well-being. If you are experiencing symptoms of/episodes of depression, anxiety, or suicidal ideation, please reach out. It can be to me, your friends, your parents, or a health care worker, but know that you do not have to go through it alone. Both my askbox and chat is open to you if you need it.
  2. I’m not going to change my url. I’m not going to stop shipping Shallura. I’m not going to stop posting about them or stop encouraging more content for them. Period. I enjoy their dynamic, and they make me happy, and after everything I’ve been through in other fandoms I told myself I wouldn’t let anyone - fan or creator alike - take away the happiness I derive from my shows and the characters I love. If this is an issue for you, you are free to go.
  3. You do what you gotta do to feel safe and well. If that means unfollowing me, blocking me, blacklisting #shallura, any or all of the above, then go ahead and do so and know that there will be absolutely no hard feelings from me. I am pretty consistent with tagging, if that’s useful to you, and will be happy to tag more if needed. Additionally, if you would like me to unfollow you or decrease/cease interactions with you, let me know and I will respect your wishes.
  4. There are certainly some issues here that I am not touching upon, mostly because it is late and I’m tired and I still have a lot of work to do before tomorrow, but that doesn’t mean that I don’t care. I do care about Allura, very, very much, and I want only happiness for her because she deserves the best. I care about fandom’s reaction, and the context of the discourse on her age, and the implications it all has about racism, sexism, antiblackness, and more. But these are certainly not topics I would like to discuss without first getting some rest and doing some hard thinking and researching. As a woman of color it is extremely important to me to have meaningful, intersectional discussion on this, but for my own sake I’m going to do it at my own pace.
  5. I don’t feel particularly inclined at the moment to explain my reasoning behind these decisions beyond the extent you see here. If you ask I might answer in more detail, but when it comes down to it we’re all just strangers on the internet and I’d just like to make my blog a good place for me tbh.

Take care of yourself and each other in whatever way is best for you. Again, if you need it, my ask and/or chat is open to you.

i love how Horikoshi treats the UA students like the children they are

i just. love this so much. they’re all just children, even if they have gone through a lot of dangerous stuff and have made it out alive, it doesn’t mean they’ve made it out w/o problems (like anxiety, or depression, or survivor’s guilt), and their mental/emotional health is just as important as their physical

plus they’re all super dorky and hate getting missing fun stuff b/c they have to take supplementary classes, and make bad jokes to each other, and support each other, and make bad decisions b/c of their youth, and have silly competitions like who has the best room, and they’re all just super adorable and dorky and silly and i love them

justinbaldoni: Truth. A few years ago I would’ve never worn a suit this color that had the possibility of making me “stand out”. Growing up in middle school and high school, I was picked on a lot, and bullied. Other kids would talk tons of shit about me behind my back and others would then go out of their way to make sure I heard it. It was awful. I think I naturally stood out but it was never on purpose. After a while I began to act overconfident because I felt so insecure and wanted to be liked so bad…and that only made things worse for me. Overtime, I started to hide my light, and dull myself down in new situations so that I would never make anyone else feel “less than” and so that I could blend in more. It was honestly easier to feel invisible then to be seen. What resulted was a lot of sadness, depression and a ton of loneliness which is hard to understand and process when you’re a teenager. I never felt good enough or that anybody really liked me. And a lot of people didn't… But that’s because everybody else is trying to figure themselves out and deal with their own stuff. What I can tell you now, standing on the other side is that all of that changes as you get older, but that feeling of insecurity never really goes away because truthfully…we are all insecure. We are all just trying to fit in. So if you are someone out there who is afraid of standing out, or giving your light to the world… please, take a small step today to get out of your comfort zone and be who you were truly meant to. My entire life changed when I stopped worrying what every person I met thought of me, and stopped judging myself and every situation that I was in.
Don’t be afraid to stand out, in fact stand out… Because THATS what makes you attractive. God created you brilliant and unique and you are the only person in the world exactly like you. How selfish would it be to deprive us all of your brilliance and the gift that only YOU were meant to share. BE YOU. Not the you that you think the world wants you to be. ❤️

thickness1988  asked:

What up with Matt now?

lmaoo nothing really he’s just irritated by Mini and her whining on twitter. she’s been tweeting a lot of depressing stuff and he’s over seeing on his feed so he shared his thoughts..

smh it’s pretty harsh but it’s Matt so it’s expected. he just sees all of the self-pity as a cry for help and attention and finds it weak as hell so he gave her a reality check. this was also to purposely taunt her because at this point he hates her guts. he’d unfollow altogether but he knows she’s a little too close to Zero and lowkey is trying to keep track of their interactions between each other. 

all he really did was follow up with..

Zero seeing all of this..

anonymous asked:

Can someone be a ravenclaw if they've got depression? It makes me do bad in school and I loss interest in stuff and it makes me feel like less of a ravenclaw

again, this in no way affects your status as a ravenclaw! also done a post on depression so here’s the link-there’s the whole list of ravenclaws with various mental/physical illnesses over on the faq so feel free to check it out!

SIGH i have set myself off now, but i still have thoughts! so you’re getting them!

the thing is, it has legitimately taken me years to address and deal with the damage i did to myself by falling into the internet trap for so long when i was younger. you might have seen my posting inecessantly the other day about MAKING FRIENDS and GOING TO LUNCH WITH A NEW PERSON.

that’s an experience that i legitimately have not had….probably at all in my adult life? like i have made friends with my coworkers by virtue of working with them every day, but the act of actually meeting a person in a social situation, and then getting to know them outside of that particular context (and without the person who introduced me to them) is something i straight up had not done. 

going along to meet a whole new group of people? samesies.

i frequently spend time at work sitting on a couch in my mentor’s office talking out my own headshit because i spent so long just not dealing with people in person that there are things i either forgot how to do, or straight up never learned.

i have spent years carefully untangling my life from the internet. allowing myself to actually be away from it. to spend time with people i know. to not need to leave work immediately and come home and turn on my laptop - to do stuff that i NEED to do, like go food shopping, first. to not turn down invitations to go places because i’m Tired (and really just want to spend more time on the internet where i know what will happen and it’s safe). it’s something that i’m still working on, and will probably continue to do so for years.

a lot of it is bound up in anxiety and depression - i don’t think there’s a start and end point for ‘you don’t have a license because the test makes you anxious’ and ‘you don’t have a license because you spent five years never going anywhere to need one, and more years only slowly building that up’.

but man, the biggest lie i told myself is that the internet helped my anxiety. because it didn’t. it exacerbated it, and then told me that it was fine that it had done so. it stripped me of tools to help myself and of the ability to learn new ones, and then rubbed my back and said ‘hey, it’s fine that you can’t function. you don’t have to’.

the truth is that i fucking do have to, and that i fucking want to, and that the alternative is not healing, it’s a sedative.

as always, my askbox is open to you guys if these posts prompt anything for you, or you just wanna ask me shit. im a pretty together person now but i have not always been, and it’s important to me that you guys…know and are aware of that. having your shit together does not always start from a point of having been a put together person.