and the treacherous mud

Essays in Existentialism: Interrupted

I love your work and how you make everything so amazing. I was wondering if you could do a fic about clexa getting walked in on while doing, well, each other. Thank you in advance for the brilliant work you do.

The rain hung around for a week. It slopped up the yards, filled the river until its shore was engorged and rushing at breakneck speeds to the lakes and oceans, streaming down the mountain in older and new creeks that filled footpaths. The branches that were weakest succumbed to the constant weight of the drizzle while the thick soupy mud of the ground clung to all parts of tires and boots and pants. 

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Late Night Accidents

I haven’t posted an imagine in ages due exams, but I’ve only got a week left now! So here’s one to tide you over :) 

Requested by @cookieytb: “Peter Pan x Reader prompt 1, 17 ”

Thanks to @words-amid-stars for the prompts: “Can you please come and get me?” “I don’t know where I am. Help me.”

Summary: OUAT Peter Pan x Reader. When you go on a late night run and find yourself hurt and lost, you call Peter to come and rescue you. Understandably, you’re both a bit panicked. 

Word Count: 1,104 Words


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Becoming Real - Part 4

Originally posted by butteryplanet

PART 1  |  PART 2   |   PART 3  |  PART 4

Characters: Thorin, Company, Reader.
Erebor after BOTFA (Everyone lives, fix-it).
Synopsis: Firmly ensconced in Erebor and fed up with the tedium of their daily duties, Thorin’s company tries to revive old times by going on a camping trip. Meanwhile, Thorin is reconsidering his choice of queen and trying to avoid the company’s well-intentioned meddling into his love life, with mixed success.
NSFW. Angsty. Hurt/Comfort with a lot of hurt.  
This is the first sequel to THE LONG DARK. It will make a lot more sense if you read that story first. My thanks go out to my darlings @hardlyfatal, @fromthedeskoftheraven​ and @snugsbunnyfluff  for listening to my interminable whining about this story, making excellent suggestions and slogging through my first (and n-th) drafts without a single complaint.

Sometimes I get up early and even my soul is wet.
        — Pablo Neruda

 You left your shelter during a lull in the deluge. The way back was  ridiculously short, though the path was treacherous and slippery with mud. Thorin held onto your hand throughout, clearly unwilling to take chances.

The moment you stepped into the cave he let go of you.

All eyes turned to you as you entered. You saw a ribald remark form on Kíli’s lips, only to die when Fíli elbowed him hard. A flash of resentment pierced you, but it was gone as swiftly as it had arrived. None of this was his fault.

Soon it became clear to everyone that something bad had happened between you and Thorin. By unspoken agreement you sat in different corners of the cave, and when you took off your wet clothes to wrap yourself in a blanket, Thorin looked the other way.

To your relief, everyone knew better than to comment. They probably thought it was a run of the mill lovers’ quarrel that would blow over soon. So they made sure to carry on as usual.

You had no idea how to behave. A part of you still hoped for a resolution, but you knew Thorin had to get there on his own. So you decided to behave as normally as you could, even though your heart sat in your chest like a lead weight.

Besides, regardless of your personal feelings, you had a duty to the others. You wouldn’t spoil their good time if you could help it. So you smiled at Bofur’s jokes, ate the food Bombur had prepared even though it tasted like ash in your mouth, and when you finally curled up on your bedroll, you were so exhausted that you slept like a log.

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Why Do We Push Love Away?

At Weston Super Mare the tide stretches out so far that you can scarcely believe you are on a beach but rather some strange landscape which is marked by nothing and which leads to nothing. If eternity were a picture it might look something like this.

When the sea has turned on its heels and disappeared over the horizon there is a vast expanse of mud flat, a sprawling dangerous ground in which you can sink and become completely stuck. Struggle is futile as the the thick wet mud pushes you further down with every desperate effort to pull yourself back up. Exhaustion and hypothermia can follow and, after that, if there is nobody to rescue you, nothingness.

A dynamic often all too evident in the forming of intimate relationships is “Push-Pull”, the act of drawing someone close only to push them away again. The “pull” creating in the other a feeling of safety and warmth and the “push” throwing all the cards into the air, creating doubt and uncertainty which, in turn, fuels desire and some desperation because we have a tendency to want something we cannot have. Some couples do this to one another constantly and some relationships continue like this for months and years, but is it necessary and, if so, what purpose does it serve? Moreover, if you want to stop it, can you?

There are many reasons which might cause us to push love away from us.

Fear of intimacy. We are fundamentally equipped best to survive the place we came from and not the one we arrive at. If you were brought up in the sunshine the endless days of darkness and cold will be a physical test of endurance and so it is with emotion. If there was anything dysfunctional in childhood (there was for most of us) which caused us to have a less than positive view of our own value we find it hard to believe that anyone can love us. If we feel something like love we start to question it, “I’m not lovable so how can you love me? You must be cracked too, I better get away”. Push.

Fear of rejection. Even if we drop our defences and allow our partner the benefit of the doubt the questions we have over our own value might emerge in an anxiety over being left. We can become so agitated at the idea of rejection, so sure that it will happen eventually that we become terrified of the day that our worst fears are confirmed. What to do? I’ll wreck it before you do. Push.

Fear of being without. We aren’t perfect and some of us fall much further short of the ideal that we would like but in modern society we have been trained to believe that we deserve the best of everything and, furthermore, that it can be secured. When we truly value aspects of people we don’t want to lose them and we try to turn a blind eye to the pieces we don’t want or are less than we desire. We stop seeing people as a “beautiful whole” and instead see them as an emotional “Pick & Mix” “I want that bit (Pull), but I don’t want that bit (Push)”. In the end this constant emotional bartering becomes unsustainable. Push.

Too much choice. Just today I had a conversation with a client who told me that he hopes one day that he will meet a beautiful woman that he falls hopelessly in love with and whom falls hopelessly in love with him. He is currently in a relationship and is generally happy but feels that he could experience a deeper connection. He says he feels guilty being with someone he doesn’t believe he will stay with forever and wonders if he is being fair. I remind him that there will only be one relationship he has in all of his life which will last until he dies and that is his last one. I ask if it is “unfair” to be committed and happy with someone all the time that you feel committed and happy regardless of whether or not you might one day break up. Worrying that someone better is waiting for us in the future does nothing more than dissatisfy us today. Push.

Testing. We want more certainty, we want to be sure we aren’t making errors and so sometimes we test people by pushing them away and seeing if they come back, we want a clearer idea of their commitment. The problem is that it isn’t just about the way we feel its also the way we are treated. Like a boomerang its all in the way you throw because theoretically it will always come back but only when you know exactly how to throw it in the first place. Most of us will tolerate a test but only when it feels that we are being tested and not when it seems we are being thrown away. Push.

The hardest part of all? Only those that push can stop the pushing and no amount of pulling from the other will have any impact.

The tide will always disappear over the horizon because it is pulled by the moon. The shore stands still waiting patiently to see what will happen next. If you move away with the tide you might choose to roll back in with it when next it comes and you may not, but if you were the one left on the shore it is best that you stand where you are and accept the leaving because trying to run to the tide as it drifts and pushes you away will mean a treacherous journey through the mud and we know how that might end.