and the things is

Rogue: *gambling with someone in a bar*

NPC: “Anybody want to try their hand at a game of poker?”

Rogue: “Sure, why not.”

Rogue: *proceeds to crit twice and roll really high*

DM: You realize that the only time you’ve actually rolled this high during this campaign is during this pointless poker game?

Rogue, out of character: Absolutely! Maybe he’s just innately good at poker.

DM: Well, roll to see if your character has previous experience with poker.

Rogue: *crits again*

DM: So your character actually is a 7-year poker champion. Undefeated, actually.

on seduction

*background: our bard has been trying to roll to seduce every npc we meet. DM won’t let her anymore*
DM: you enter the castle, and you find the evil dark magician at last….he asks you to help him defeat all the benevolent gods.
Me: I SEDUCE HIM BEFORE ENNA (bard) CAN
DM: *utterly defeated* just…just roll for it…
Me: *ROLLS A NAT 20 AND HAS A +2 CHARISMA*
DM: he can’t keep his eyes off you. okay. so do you want to help him?
*we all decide not to*
DM: he is angered. he begins to twist and morph…into the DEMAGORGON
Me: I SEDUCED THE DEMAGORGON!?!

another thing to add is almost universally, the reasons pets become unhealthily overweight is because they Do Not Know When To Stop Eating. they are animals, they will often try to eat as much as they can bc their survival instincts tell them they dont know when their next meal will be. they do not have body autonomy, we entirely control what and when they eat.

like for example its Very obvious in “simpler” animals like reptiles. once my snake finishes eating one large mouse, she is immediately looking for more bc the scent is on my hands. were i to give her another mouse, she would eat it, and continue to do so. some snakes will stuff themselves to the point of their stomachs rupturing, when enabled to. this behavior is fairly universal, and many owners will overfeed their snakes to the point of harm because they are “still hungry”. 

in the wild this trait is useful bc they must be constantly active and may go months without a meal, but in captivity allowing this to happen is mistreatment and would lead to a snake being very unhealthy. 

aside from the basic fact that fat people deserve respect regardless of whether they are “healthy” or not and medical ableism figures HEAVILY into what is considered “unhealthy”, overweight people Can be objectively healthy. this is not the case in every other species bc other species of animals bodies react to being overweight in different ways than human beings. like in dogs alone there are Dozens of health complications related to being overweight that do not happen to, or cant even be applied to human beings.

people are fat for different reasons, its an extremely complex and multifaceted thing bc we Have body autonomy and we are Not just animals living on pure instinct. our body politics are based in our physical nature as the human species, our culture, its institutions, etc. it is very unfair, and can even be unintentionally dehumanizing to  apply the logic of one to the other. 

Context, early in the day the fighter (int of 4) steals a cart from a shop keep. The shop keep is distracted by a customer and the fighter walks of with it to go steal cow “fertilizer” Later they walk by the same shop.

Shop keep: hey! Is that my cart?

Warlock: there are hundreds of carts in this city, no it’s not yours.

Shop keep: my cart was stolen early today and it looks just like that.

Fighter: did you cart have shit in it?

Rolls to persuade. Nat 20

Shop keep: no, I guess not.

Sleep On Your Own Time, Potter
  • <p> <b>Draco:</b> Potter.<p/><b>Draco:</b> Potter.<p/><b>Draco:</b> Potter.<p/><b>Harry:</b> Malfoy, what. What, Malfoy.<p/><b>Draco:</b> I've decided - I love you too. You have a really hot body. I'm always thinking about it-- you...thinking about you.<p/><b>Harry:</b> ...<p/><b>Draco:</b> Because I love you.<p/><b>Harry:</b> That's...great. Was it necessary to wake me up at half past three in the morning to tell me this?<p/><b>Draco:</b> Love doesn't wear a watch, Potter.<p/></p>

 I can’t stop thinking about how if you’ve only seen the Les Mis musical, you wouldn’t be able to tell the difference between real subplots in the Brick and fanfiction….Because the Brick’s actual real subplots sound exactly like fanfiction

I mean this “fanfiction” is actually a canon book subplot:

Javert and Marius team up buddy-cop style to take down a deadly gang of criminals who are planning to ambush Jean Valjean.

 Marius very predictably screws everything up (because he’s a DORK why did Javert give him a gun?? Why did he give him two guns?????) So Javert has to save the day practically single-handedly. He does this by making snarky comments and saying badass one-liners until this armed and deadly gang is so afraid of him that they just lay down all their weapons without putting up a fight.

 Valjean escapes in the confusion (to Javert’s extreme disappointment) but all of the gang is arrested….with the exception of Montparnasse, because he’d ditched his lookout duties to flirt with Eponine.

The next morning Javert goes to Marius’s house to tell him How Much He Screwed Up. He arrives to find that Marius isn’t there…. because he’s literally packed all his bags and moved houses to avoid talking to Javert again. 

Javert isn’t really surprised. You kinda get the feeling that things like this must happen to Javert a lot

this is all actual canon

2

apollo had to get his chords of steel from somewhere

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A reminder to maybe not throw things at Harry when he’s on stage performing or talking.. :-)