I’ve been thinking a lot about “us” lately and everything that we were and weren’t and the more I think the more I realize how we fell apart before we even got a chance to fall together. .
and you know, I’ve spent so much time going through every single message, every phone call, every memory, just trying to figure out where it all went wrong, where we lost it all. But I never stopped to think, what if we never had it right? and now that I’m finally thinking that, I’m realizing how we never even had anything to lose in the first place.
because okay, sure, you were here, and trust me I know you were because I put more emphasis on that than it deserved. So, yes. yes. YES, YOU WERE HERE! but that didn’t change the fact that this was one sided from the beginning. Because, although you were here, you didn’t want to be, your heart was never with it.
It was always me, It was me carrying the weight of our conversations on my back, it was me who was turning your one worded replies into poetry and it was me who made this “relationship” enough for the both of us. and I never even noticed because I was so convinced that you loved me, but the thing with one sided relationships is, they always catch up to you and in our case, the only reason it caught up to us is because there was nothing else to distract me from it because you stopped being here. the only god damn thing you contributed was just physically being here and even that, became too much for you to do.
And I have so much love inside me that I COULD love for the both of us, I mean I have BEEN loving for the both of us and I would of continued carrying this relationship on my back because I saw so much in you that it was so hard for me to realize that there was nothing actually there cause I wanted something to be there so badly. But I can’t make you be here, I could turn one worded replies into something but I can’t make something out of nothing, and trust me I wish I could of. I wish I could of saved us, I used to stay up all night wondering how I could turn back time, How I could save our downfall but now I realize. Nothing could of saved us. you can’t make people love you and you can’t give people things without stopping to ask if they even want it, and in our case I gave you my heart without even hesitating to check if you wanted it. and thats where I went wrong.
I still love you, but I’ve accepted the fact that we were never real and that we probably will always be just in my head.
I asked if you were afraid to lose me
And you looked at me and shook your head.
I asked if you still loved me the same
And you smiled and nodded.
You kissed me as if that was supposed to convince me
I guess I always saw love in a different way
Because I looked at you and was always scared of missing the way your hands felt
And that feeling never went away
Some days it was stronger than others
And I tried my best to remind you that
Your smile was the greatest smile I had ever seen and that it had tattooed itself in my head
Because you were the greatest thing I’ve ever seen
And I felt you deserved to know that everyday
Because you were something I wanted every day.
I can’t deny that your lies made me happy. Your lies made me alive, I was just a mere shell and you filled me with your stories and your words and I believed them because I had nothing to lose; but that was even worse, not having anything. Because the second someone gives you something, you wait in fear for the moment they’re gonna take it away.
Your existence still bends like a question mark to me. Sometimes the way my heart speaks in silence is more real than the words that leave my mouth. Sometimes the way you would hold me was more real than anything else and most of times you disappear making me doubt into the warmth of the sun and the tears of the clouds. I still don’t know if you were really here at all or just I had the privilege to touch the heaven a little but earlier just to have a taste.