and the funniest drunk

every time someone tells me “drunken words are sober thoughts” i think back to the time when my boyfriend came home drunk and crying because he wanted to “confess” to killing our cat, only for our cat to then jump into his lap which made him pause and his eyes widened, before he turned to me, put his hands over the the cat’s ears and whispered “omg, i think he’s come back to avenge his death” and i literally had to put the cat in another room and keep ‘guard’ so the cat didn’t try to kill him in his sleep 😂😂

The drunk history of Fall Out Boy. By Brendon Urie

It’s summer of 2001; Joe meets Patrick and he’s like “Yo, I know about music.” and Patrick’s like “Yo, I know more about music” “That’s impossible. Do you wanna start a band?” And Patrick’s like “…Yeah… That’s cool.” And then he’s like “Yo, this is a book store, it’s not a music store!”

And then they met at Patrick’s house. And Patrick’s wearing shorts and socks and a hat. Patrick is playin’ drums for some fuckin’ reason! And Pete’s there, for some reason! They start playin’ music together. And they’re like “Oh, let’s play some fuckin’ covers from some other bands!” It was like, Green Day and fuckin’ Misfits and fuckin’ Ramones! Pete said to Joe “Yo, we gotta change this shit up! Yo, we’ve played all these bands; let’s play shit from Fall Out Boy.” And so Pete and Patrick are like “Yo, that’s dope. But we need a fuckin’ drummer!” Because Patrick’s playin’ drums and he’s a singer! Patrick’s like “Yo! I got a soul voice!” And they’re like “Wait, how do you have a soul voice!?!” And he’s like “Yo, watch this! Yeah!” and they’re like “Oh my god! That sounds like soul!” So they put it in the song and it was like “WHERE IS YOUR BOY TONIGHT!”

And then they’re like: “Yo, this is fuckin’ perfect. This is Fall Out Boy.” And they made records like, Evening Out With Your Ex-Girlfriend. Evening Out With Your Ex-Girlfriend, everybody loves it.
-It’s called: Evening Out With Your Girlfriend.
-With Your Ex-Girlfriend! It’s called Evening Out With Your Ex-Girlfriend! It’s called Eating Out Your Girlfriend, and it’s real and it doesn’t matter. And Pete talked to Patrick and Joe and he was like “Yo, what the fuck! Yo, this is gonna be fuckin’ dope!” So they made a record, and it was called: Take This To Your Grave. They made it without a drummer! And they had like three, four drummers come in. The four drummers they had come in were like: Josh Freese, Neil Peart, the dude from Toto… The fourth one was like the guy from Papa Roach or something. And they were like, “Yo, we need Andy Hurley. Andy Hurley. Take this to your grave. Fuckin’ record it.” And he did it, and he killed it. He was like,Bigadigadigalalululapssshhhh! Killing the skins! Tapping the skins! Tapping the rims! Playing the shit! Killing these bitches! Wrapping it out!
(You’re getting a fucking tattoo right now! What the fuck is going on?!)
“We should get signed, to Fueled by Ramen. ‘Cause these guys know what the fuck is going on.” And they were like “Yo, if you can make our scene any bigger than it is, which is not fuckin’ hard. We will sign you guys.” Pete was like ”Yo! We got this record that’s fuckin’ dope dude! It’s called Take This To Your Grave.“ Hey, it’s gonna be called From Under The Cork Tree, it’s gonna be fuckin’ huge. And then Patrick’s like “I gotta keep it real, I gotta keep it artistic. These are three songs that are gonna make the album and it’s called (burp), this is called: Thanks for the Memories, 20 Dollar Nosebleed, and Sugar We’re Going Down..” And they made this record that was fucking dope and it fucking hit on the charts.
Like: one, two, three! Three, two one! Three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten! TEN TO ONE! From Under The Cork Tree sold like, four million records! Ten million records! Fifteen million records! And Brendon Urie had nothing to do with the entire record. And Patrick was like “That’s good!” Pete was like “Yo, fuck you! I can do whatever I want!” Joe was like “Yeah, it’s cool man, whatever… I don’t give a shit.” And then Andy was like “Eh… Cool!” And Pete was like "Makeup is fuckin’ great for a guy. Because it makes a guy look beautiful. Which a lot of times, a guy is not beautiful. And I wanna change that.I wanna make sure everybody thinks that guys are beautiful.”

(-I’m good so far.
-You wanna spit one more time?
-Yeah, I do.
…Shut the fuck!..)

Pete was like “Oh my god, I’m so embarrassed about this dick pic!” And then I saw the dick pic, and I was like “Eh, it’s not bad. It’s not a bad dick. Let’s be real.” We made Rolling Stone one issue before Fall Out Boy. And Fall Out Boy made the issue right after us and they were so pissed! They were like “Yo, fuck you guys!” They were like “Yo! Panic has the fucking cover of Rolling Stone!?! Yo, fuck these dudes, we’re gonna fucking go miles above! We’re gonna hit every fucking continent there is known to man!” But they didn’t! Because they missed a second of time. Apparently, they were like: “Oh, shit we got every continent.” And they didn’t actually hit it. Dude, Pete was like “What the fuck!” Oh, you didn’t fuckin’ make the continent. It’s like, fuck you!

So From Under The Cork Tree happens, we fuckin’ have three, four years of awesomeness! Like people are cumming on themselves, 'cause it’s so big! So Fall Out Boy was like, so Patrick’s like “Yo, we’re gonna name this record 'From Under The Cork Tree’ and From Infinity On High.” Pete was like “Yo, Folie à Deux means, the Theatric of Two.” Fall Out Boy was like “Yo, we gotta take a break” meaning, Pete was like “Yo, we gotta take a break bro” and Patrick’s like, “I need time for my music! Uhhh!” And Joe’s like “Yo, I need time to find the fuckin’ art dude I gotta find some fuckin’ meau-metal.” And Andy’s like “I’m just gonna play with some fuckin’ metal bands.”

And they were like, “Alright, this breaks been like three years long. Two years long. Three years long. Three and a half? We gotta fuckin’ come back man. We gotta come back STRONG!
(-You took my beer away, what the fuck?!
-No, you poured it all over yourself!
-Yeah, you poured it on yourself, man.)
We gotta make this shit legit. It’s gonna be fuckin’ dope. It’s gonna go fuckin’ sky high. We’re gonna make a fuckin’ record that sails the skies. We’re gonna call this record: "Save Rock And Roll."” So they made Alone Together, Light 'Em Up, Alone Together, Phoenix. And everyone’s like “What the fuck? You’re working with this guy who fuckin’ recorded Avril Lavigne and P!nk!”
(-What the fuck is this on my shirt, did I puke on my shirt?
-No, you poured beer all over yourself!
-Oh god…)
Pete was like: “Yo, were gonna end up on the tour with Panic! At The Disco and Twenty Pilots.” (Burp, spit) And that’s all. And that’s all that matters. And that is how the fucking story goes.

Shrinking Scully: A Drunk Drabble

By: @puzzlingpeace and @2moms-0fucks

Rating: PG-13

Summary: Fucked up drunk fic. 3,000 word piece of shit conversational piece that will gut you. Enter at your own risk.


Shrinking Scully

——————————

Scully’s eyes widen in horror at her therapist’s suggestion, her face aghast.

“Has it ever occurred to you before?”

“No,” Scully snaps, “And I’m not entirely comfortable with the idea of you suggesting such a thing, either.”

Joanne crosses her arms, and sits back squarely in her seat. “Are you aware of the signs of an emotionally toxic relationship?”

“Emotionally toxic?”

“Yes.” Joanne’s gaze doesn’t waver from Scully’s face. “A relationship that is harmful to your emotional well-being.”

Scully shifts uncomfortably in her seat. “I wouldn’t say my relationship with Mulder is emotionally toxic. I mean… I know we’re not… it’s trying. It can be impossible…but I can’t…” she trails off.

“But can you at least acknowledge the signs of such a relationship?” When Scully looks away without responding, Joanne continues. “How long have we been seeing each other? I’m going to call you on this, Dana. I want you to answer my question.”

“What’s the question again?”

“What are the signs of an emotionally toxic or emotionally abusive relationship? That’s my question.”

“We didn’t spend hours on this in medical school or anything.” Scully crosses her arms defensively. “I guess, based on my own limited understanding of the term, I would have to say that it’s anything that makes you feel…I don’t know…‘less than’ are the only words that come to my mind.”After a moment, she adds, “But it wasn’t like that with him.”

Joanne arches an eyebrow. “Do you remember telling me that Mulder makes you feel like you are incapable of making decisions regarding your own life? I believe you said that he has a tendency to – let me look at my notes here – in your words, ‘doubt your own choices.’”

Scully blinks. “I…did I say that?”

Joanne flips through the copious scribbled notes on her yellow legal pad. “Yes. This particular statement was made last week.”

“I did? I did,” she admits, folding her arms across her chest protectively. “But I believe I was referring to his questioning the wisdom of taking a summer leadership course at the University. I hardly think that qualifies.”

Joanne lifts her gaze over the top of her glasses, peering at the woman in front of her. “Your exact words were, and I quote, ‘he always does this. He always makes me question myself.’”

Scully rolls her eyes with a flip of her wrist. “Fine…What do you want me to say to that? I’ve known him for twenty years,” she adds with a rise of her voice. “Of course there are going to be times where…” She sighs with a soft shrug of her shoulders.  

Joanne waits, allowing the silence to build for moments on end, until Scully finally speaks, unable to stand the stand-off between them.

“I’ve never felt…” Scully pauses for a moment, mulling the words over in her mind. “He was always the better partner, the better agent. Even now, it doesn’t stop him from questioning the simplest of my life’s choices.”

“What doesn’t stop him?”

She shrugs. “I don’t know. It’s like this innate trait of his, FBI or not. Maybe it’s just me. I don’t really know.”

Joanne nods contemplatively. “Last month, you told me that you have never drawn a line that Mulder hasn’t crossed. Do you remember saying that?”

Scully’s jaw tightens. “Yes, I do, but what I think you need to understand about our partnership is –“

“Are you referring to your past professional partnership, or your current relationship?”

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i watched this when i was drunk last night and it was the funniest shit ever

Blurb Starter #36. “And you’re naked. Okay.”

Friends who couldn’t hold their liquor were the worst. Normally, you would get super frustrated having to take care of an inebriated friend.

This time however, you had to admit that it was rather amusing.

When Bucky Barnes arrived at the Avengers Tower, he had been mysterious and a tad closed off. Everyone sort of gave him his space and waited for him to warm up to what was going on. He did eventually which pleased you.

Now, he was drunk off his ass and it was the funniest thing ever.

Keep reading

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istg watching the devilman dub while drunk/stoned would be the funniest shit ever

anonymous asked:

What's the funniest thing one of you all have done while drunk?

( @o0o-chibaken-o0o  ❤️)

Harry: Well, you guys know all about my husband hugging a stranger–

Draco: Can we not–

Harry: And I’ve never embarrassed myself like that. 

Draco: Pft, you sure there?

Harry: *blinks*

Draco: One word: Daddy.

Harry: *loud groan* Noooo, Draco, oh my god!

Draco: *snorting through his giggles* Okay, so this one time during a dinner party at the Manor, Harry got really bored and ended up guzzling a lot more wine than is advisable and, after a point, was so drunk that he was making conversation with the suits of armor–

Harry: I didn’t speak to any suits of armo–

Draco: And it was definitely a stroke of sheer bad luck that it was Father who found him wandering around–

Harry: *groans again*

Draco: *forcing down his laughter* And by the time Father leads him back to me, he is red in the face with Harry hanging off his shoulder–

Harry: Oh for fuck’s sake–

Draco: And he was laughing so hard that he was basically drooling– *pauses to heave with laughter* –and the idiot kept saying to Father, “You’re Draco’s Daddy, aren’t you? Has he ever called you that by the way? Daddy?–” *eyes watering with mirth* “–’cause he’s called me that, you know?”

Harry: Noooo– *flops down sideways and hides his face in the cushions*

Draco: *helpless laughter* And although I nearly died at the time, Harry’s look of pure horror the next day was just– *doubles over*

jason grace is a lightweight and the funniest drunk there is. if u look at the seven’s groupchat they never use any memes but screenshots of jason in various embarrassing situations, like there’s one of him falling off stairs and his glasses flying off and the caption is ‘we soarin, flyin’

Send me numbers (part 2)

Shit gets personal!

51. Ten fears
52. 10 things that make you tick
53. Tell me about your dream vacation. Who would you go with? Where would you go and what would you do?
54. Tea or coffee?
55.Tell me about your most embarrassing moment
56. Tell me about a time you were really scared
57. Do you have any tattoos? If so tell me about your inspiration behind getting them and where they are on your body
58.Do you have a crush on anyone right now? If so tell me about them
59. Do you have any phobias?
60. Tell me about the worst date you’ve ever had
61. Choose a superpower to have
62. Describe your ideal partner
63. Are you religious? If so what religion do you follow and why?
64. Tell me about the best day of your life
65. Tell me about the worst day of your life
66. Have you ever gotten high (with weed) ? If so tell me about your first time
67. Legalize weed or nah?
68. Tell me about the first time you were ever kissed
69. Tell me one regret
70. If you could go back and time and change something about your life, would you? If so what would you change and why?
71. What is the silliest thing someone tried to make fun of you for?
72. Have you ever had a rumor spread about you? If so tell me about it
73. Have you ever gotten drunk? If so tell me about your funniest experience
74. If you could switch places with someone for a day, who would it be and why?
75. When was the last time you cried and why?
76. Weirdest thing you’ve ever done
77. Grossest thing you’ve ever eaten
78. Best thing you’ve ever eaten
79. Send me your most recent photo of you
80. Where would you take someone on a first date?
81. Describe yourself in detail
82. 10 ways to win your heart
83. What do you do to cheer yourself up when you are upset?
84. Tell me something you would like to say to your ex
85. Tell me about your last partner
86. Could you ever be in a friends with benefits relationship?
87. Tell me about someone you miss
88. What is your ideal first date?
89. Do you have a job? If so tell me about the craziest situation that has happened there
90. Have you ever done something illegal?
91. Who was the last person you kissed?
92. Tell me about one thing that you do, that your parents don’t approve of
93. Do you have siblings? If so, tell me about the most aggravating situation you had to deal with
94. What’s a deal breaker in a relationship for you?
95. Zodiac sign?
96. Tell me about your last heartbreak
97. Tell me about your last fight with someone
98. Have you ever gotten into a physical fight? If so tell me about it
99. Tell me about the worst thing you’ve ever done
100. What is the last thing you bought?

anonymous asked:

hi if ur still doing hc requests, could you do tipsy-mildy drunk stenbrough..........i need it for science.

first, no one can tell me otherwise, that stan’s a jungle juice type of a boy, he likes fruity and sweet, and bill’s your old fashioned typical beer boy, of course he doesn’t like the taste but it works better than anything else

stan thinks richie is the funniest person who’s ever lived when he’s drunk. stan has an arm around his shoulder and richie has an arm around his waist, purely to make sure the boy is balanced, and stan is asking, “wow, are you sure you told me that joke before? no way, i would’ve remembered it, it’s way too funny. you know what, tell it again, i’m all ears,”

he’s a touchy feely drunk and a little too handsy with everyone. he also encourages everyone to do crazy things that he would never attempt sober, like stealing the neibolt street again or going streaking. he also gets really talkative, approaching stranger and asking “why aren’t you drinking? it’s a party!”

he thinks bill is the coolest guy in the world when he’s shotgunning a beer

the drunker bill gets, the more he denies it. he doesn’t take to kindly to being offered glasses of water and assures everyone that no one needs to drive him and stan home. instead, they leave the car out front and crash on the couch together. bill is extremely apologetic in the morning

stan is a lot louder than bill and bill shushes him real sloppy like and whispers “babe be quiet you’re gonna wake the birds” and then stan shuts up for a few minutes, it works everytime

bill tries to take care of stan but he can’t even take care of himself and he can’t really walk straight and he should’ve stopped at the fourth beer but oh look, now he has one in each hand

they are not the “let’s hold up the restroom line” kinda boyfriends, more like “good thing i borrowed my mom’s car” boyfriends

stan eats all the cold pizza and bill puts up for his boyfriend all night, even if he knocked over a lamp. he’ll swear up and down the lamp was in stan’s way

they’ll end up either tangled up in a web of love and each other’s limbs on the sofa, or pressed against each other, leaning against the door frame or bill’s car, like they’re in their own personal corner of the universe, and they have “no, i love you more” fights all night long

Paladins + Lotor reacting to you saying something you usually wouldn’t while drunk

Request: HC with the paladins + Lotor finding out that the reader is drunk. (Specifically- the reader’s relationship with Shiro is a  love hate, but in this instance Shiro is caring), the reader accidentally says something that if the reader was sober, they would have never said?

A/N I took the whole “says something they wouldn’t say” as something more light as opposed to a heavy/serious tone, but let me know if you’d like something more along those lines! Plus, this is meant to be more so with them not quite dating yet but being aware of their feelings

Edit: Whoops! Fixed some formatting issues that occurred when I was transferring this from pages to here >_> ignore the random “lotor” that was under Pidge’s section if you saw that version of the post

Lance

  • Laughs at you tbh
  • Thinks that you being drunk is the funniest thing he’s ever seen
  • Lowkey would wanna drink with you sometime
  • While he’s walking you back to your room it happens
    • “Hey, Lance… We should really go out or… something…?”
  • He thinks it’s a joke at first and starts making fun of you for it
  • Untill you start crying and then he’s realizes oh my god they were serious
  • Completely panics but tries to maintain his Chill untill he gets you to your room and tells you that you guys can talk about it in the morning
    • He wants to make sure you’re 100% sober if you guys are gonna be having a conversation like that
  • As soon as you close the door a big dumb grin is on his face because holy shit, even if you were drunk, you just asked him out ????

Shiro

  • Not Happy At All
  • You guys already had a strained relationship, so this little incident didn’t particularly help that
  • That being said, he’s not about to let you stumble around alone while under the influence, so he helps get you back home
  • Ends up giving you a piggyback ride (if you ask him about it when you’re sober he’ll deny it)
  • Out of nowhere you just start talking
  • “You know… I never noticed how pretty your eyes are…”
  • He trips
    • Catches himself before you guys fall tho
  • He does really like you so he’s sort of okay with what you just said but
  • This was not the sort of situation where he wanted to hear that
  • Besides, the nature of your relationship was so uncertain that he wasn’t sure if this really meant anything at all
  • Gets you to bed and thinks about the incident the rest of the night

Keith

  • Unamused
  • Like listen, this boy isn’t against drinking or anything, but he just doesn’t like dealing with drunk people nine out of ten times
    • Especially when he’s sober
  • Pretty much drags you with him towards your room
  • Honestly isn’t paying much attention to what you’re saying until he hears something particularly interesting
  • “I’m jealous of Shiro sometimes. He gets so much of your attention…”
  • He Dies
  • On one hand he’s like??? You’re jealous of Shiro? What??
  • On the other hand he’s like holy shit they want my attention ?????
  • He has no idea what to say to you
  • Mumbles something about you drinking too much but you can see that his face is completely red
  • Leaves some pain killers and water next to your bed because damn, you’re gonna feel like shit in the morning

Hunk

  • Probably would take pictures of you trying to stumble to your room before helping you
  • He’s gonna send said pictures to you in the morning
  • Decides to make you some food because alcohol on an empty stomach is an awful idea so hopefully it might help you to feel a little better in the morning
  • While he’s cooking with his back to you, you start talking. Half to him, half to yourself
  • “I’d really like to have a future with you, I think.”
  • Nearly drops whatever he was cooking
  • Holy shit did you just say what he thinks you said
  • Tries to go along like he’s not phased but he can’t stop thinking about it
  • After sending you to bed, he decides that he’s definitely going to ask you if you meant that
    • When you’re sober, of course
  • He just really hopes you were telling the truth because he’d like a future with you too

Pidge

  • Doesn’t really know how to deal with you to be honest
  • Most likely she would try to send out back to your room but you sort of just. Plop down in front of her work station until she agrees to go with you.
  • “Pidge, you’re very cute. Like, the cutest person I’ve met.”
  • You say it so bluntly and so casually that she doesn’t quite know how to reply
    • “I, uh… thanks?”
  • She’s very embarrassed but thinks it was so nice ?? Like wow you get super nice when you’re drunk
    • That doesn’t mean she approves of you drinking though
  • After you get back to your room and to bed she lingers outside of your room for a minute
  • Replaying what you said in her head
  • “They… think I’m really cute…”

Lotor

  • Damn humans are weird
  • You got inhibited off of what now ???
    • Wine is the most confusing thing to him because it is seriously fermented grapes how does that get you so drunk?
  • He gets very cocky when you ask him to take you home
  • tbh thinks you’re kinda cute like this but wouldn’t dare to say it
  • “Lotor, do you think if we had kids that they would be purple too?”
  • Chokes
    • Congrats you threw Lotor off his guard
  • It was so out of nowhere and so off topic that he has absolutely no idea how to answer you
  • Also, does this mean you were thinking about what it would be like to have children with him?
  • Tries to brush it off by flashing you a grin and changing the topic to something very very different
  • Gets you home and decides that he’s never going to let you live this down.