and the fiddle

as a child i thought constantly about an alternate reality where Remus killed Romulus and founded Reme and we all studied The Ancient Remens and the Remen Empire and the Greco-Remen Gods an people said “When in Reme…” and “Reme wasnt built in a day”

like i just though a lot about that but no one else ever brought it up

9

Please papa SEGA, let Sonic have more than 2 pairs of slick kicks.

Being a violinist

PROS:
•good finger dexterity

•tiny fingers

•toned arms (especially if you play fiddle music like damn)

•beautiful instrument

•you’re automatically smart if you play the violin. don’t ask why. it’s apparently a stereotype. just go with it.

•kids love you regardless. play something they recognize and they will love you.

•backpack cases

•you develop good hand-eye coordination and enhanced muscle memory

•covers sound 10000000x better when they’re played on violin. 100% confirmed by scientists.

•you get gigs VERY often when you’re for hire (seriously when did people get so demanding for violinists/fiddlers?)

•jam sessions!!!

•dexterity in fingers = 👌🏼👌🏼👌🏼

•music stores are your best friend

•electric violins are BAD ASS.

•violins are so diverse. they can be in jazz, bluegrass, classical, blues, swing, folk, gypsy, burlesque, ragtime, and basically every style of music.

•good vibrato sounds like heaven

•just basically a fun instrument to play. seriously.


CONS:
•calluses. calluses. calluses.

•HICKEYS. Hickeys. Yes they are a thing, don’t look at me like that.

•*shoulder rest decides to fly out from instrument while playing*

•backache. arm ache. backache. fingers are sore. neck is sore. everything hurts.

•"Can you play Beethoven?“

•don’t even bother going anywhere with customs. they’ll hold you back because your instrument case looks "suspicious”.

•*bridge decides to snap out from under strings while practicing*

•"Can you play Devil Went Down to Georgia?“

•no matter how hard you try to make that fourth octave C sound pretty, it’s still going to sound like you stuck a fork up a baby bird’s ass.

•"can you teach me how to play it?”

•doesn’t matter if you rosin your bow; slurring to the open E string will make a godawful squeaking noise.

•"I promise I won’t break it"

•watching movies/TV with a violinist makes you cringe because it’s obvious they’re not a real violinist. (seriously, when they’re playing whole note open G they’re playing eighth notes on the E string. what the fuck.)

•"I thought violin and fiddle were two different instruments!“

•that song may sound cool, but don’t bother learning it when it’s in the key of C#.

•up bow. down bow. down bow. up bow. down bow. up bow. down bow. Wait, fuck. *erase*

•"no, I did not slaughter a horse to make my own violin bow.”

•that soreness in your wrist is from your countless attempts to perfect that vibrato. oops.

•tuner? check. shoulder rest? check. mute? check. rosin? check. bows? check. instrument in tune? check. sheet music? check. Advil? yes.

•you’re automatically a stuck-up snob if you play violin. that’s also a stereotype. don’t ask why. I have no idea.

•when your string breaks, it’s the equivalent to having your life flash before your eyes.

•electric violins and their equipment are worth your entire bank account. js.

•"play this song! right now!“

•*bow hits microphone stand*

•"sorry, I couldn’t hear you since my instrument is always in my ear.”

•everything hurts.

Samuel “Cool” Beans + Amanda Hess