and thats not a thing im ready to work with

i would say im sorry for this but im totally not, im really tired of this site glorifying communism and talking about ‘fuck capitalism’ and ‘fuck the american dream’ and talking about no matter how hard you work you won’t get out of being poor! if you’re middle class (lower - to upper) or have money, you need to shut that shit down. to poor people like me ( who have been homeless before, who have struggled with money through my entire life, as well as my family), sometimes the american dream, the economic construct of capitalism, and working hard for the chance to raise their socioeconomic level are the ONLY hope we have that keeps us going. being poor SUCKS, it is the probably the worst aspect of my life and the one thing that keeps me down more than my race, sexual orientation, etc. i want to hold onto the hope that i can maybe change that, and that inspires me to keep living. those kinds of posts make me feel super hopeless and isolated, and as though nothing will get better for me. and i’m sure i am not the only poor person who feels this way??? especially when it’s mostly middle class people saying things like that

honestly after these olympics (if russia even goes lmao Yikes™) aliya really needs to take a page from the other big 4 veterans’ playbooks and take a year or two off from competition and just focus on conditioning and rehabing her injuries, because this whole “i’m gonna try to go to every competition even when im not really totally healthy and wear myself out completely only to be fighting for 3rd or 4th place on events i would be winning at 100% health” thing is really not working out for her. i get that she loves to compete but someone needs to tell her no and make her stay home and rest. thats why i wish alexandrov were still there, because that’s exactly what he did in 2011 when aliya was technically ready for worlds but got sidelined to heal fully. 

just pass the cold-russian-bitchface torch to gelya and we’ll see you in 2019, girl

happiness is so new and strange to me?? ive felt like a cold hearted dead person for so long and ive had “good moods” lately for extended periods of time for no reason? i mean i guess the reason is just. im able to enjoy doing things now. ive been playing animal crossing a lot and thats another thing!! i havent been able to actually enjoy playing video games for like 2 years now and i used to have to push myself to do it and the whole time itd feel like a chore and id be like “can i stop now? have i done this long enough im ready to turn the game off” it felt like work and not fun, and i guess pretty much everything in life kinda feels like that too. but video games are off that list now, i actually have fun, its not as much fun as it used to be for me but its way more enjoyable than before thats for sure. and i have friends?? only like 3 but i have faith in my ability to make more now. (thanks skylar and pearl and my irl friend who i barely get to speak to 8()

sometimes ill catch myself humming while doing something i enjoy and itll feel like my hearts humming along with me. thats silly i know but its. nice.

im definitely not Cured and i had a bad spot a few days ago but ive improved for some reason and looking back on how much i wanted to die and how much i was dragging myself thru life a few months ago its. a big change. theres still a ways to go =(

Is it bad that I’m dreading everything thats next for me in my life? Is it bad that I think about school and I feel like I cant breathe but I think about work and I want to sleep forever? Is it bad that when I think about the people that I love I feel stressed instead of happy? I’m not excited, but anxious. I feel sick. I’m running out of things that I look forward to that aren’t fictional. I’m having a harder time waking up in the mornings. I’m having a harder time holding back tears on a daily basis. I’m having a harder time finding things about myself that I’m okay with. I’m having a harder time feeling secure, confident, happy, and motivated.
I’m not doing okay and I’m ready for this chapter of my life to be over.