“Don’t Go” (Trust Issues part 2)
A/N: it’s here! hope you guys enjoy it and i’m sorry for keeping you waiting!
word count: 2,908
feedback is always greatly appreciated!
“H”, she started, carefully nudging his feet, making him look up at her and reply with a low “hmm?”
“You don’t seem oka-“
“For God’s sake, Y/N!”, he spat at her, immediately getting up from his lying position. “I told you I’m fine! Didn’t I?!”
“Yes, bu-“, she didn’t know what to do. The change of the mood around the room and his now loud voice were way too sudden for her liking.
“But what?! Huh?!”, Harry was fuming.
“I just want to help! And you know it! Just let me in! Please! Will you ever do that?” She was desperate by now and if she weren’t as invested on Harry’s every movement, she would’ve noticed the tears pricking at her eyes.
“Just get off my case, would you?! God, you’re so annoying…”, he finished, and even though he murmured the last part more to himself than to her, Y/N still heard it.
“No! Harry!”, she was exasperated, standing up from the couch as well and trying to ignore his last few words. “You’re not fine! You’re not okay either! Just cut the crap, already, yeah? I just want you to talk to me, is that too much to ask for?!”
Harry could literally hear the despair in her voice but he couldn’t stop now.
She was hurt. Hell, she was breaking. The one person she looks out for the most is shutting her out in a much harsher way than usual. He had never yelled at her. Never said those rude things to her either. She felt so small in front of him that she didn’t know what to do. She felt as though all of her effort and attempts were going down the drain, as if they meant nothing.
“Yes, it is! Just leave me the fuck alone for once, yeah?! Isn’t it clear yet that I don’t want you here?!”, Harry said and before she could say or do anything else, he walked out the door with a loud slam of the door, leaving her alone on the couch, crying her eyes out.
Deep down she knew he didn’t mean the words he said — God, she prayed he didn’t— but boy, did they sting in her heart. Y/N’s mind was divided. Did he mean all of that? Does he really want her out of his life and gone? She really didn’t know but she wasn’t ready to give up on him just yet. She could tell that behind all of that strong facade he had built up in front of him, he was asking for help. Hell, he needed help.
On the other hand, she loves Harry so dearly. Y/N often finds herself thinking and considering his feelings more than her own. She wanted to see him happy and if she needed to walk away from his life in order for that to be happen, that’s what she was going to do.
She was torn between the two options she had. Did he really mean all of it and does he really want Y/N out of the picture? Or did he say all of it simply because he couldn’t handle the pressure and didn’t know how to react?
Y/N didn’t want to make any mistakes either. She didn’t want to leave if he really didn’t want her gone and she didn’t want to stay if he did not cherish her company anymore. So she decided to wait—wait until he got back from whatever place he went to. They were going to talk.
After what felt like days since he was gone, although it was merely 2 hours, Harry was back home — his house, though.
Y/N had gone to his apartment to gather some of her belonging scattered around his place. She never moved in with him — he never asked her to and neither did she — but she still had some stuff left at his house — some t-shirts and sweatpants, for when she’d spend the night, as well as a toothbrush and other belongings like that.
All in the while he was gone, he never gave her a call nor sent her any texts. Harry didn’t answer her calls either and that was all the confirmation she needed. At this point, Y/N was just plain insecure. The heat of the fight they just had, the harsh words thrown at her and the fact he only ignored her attempts of reaching out to him only added up to that pile. She figured he really wanted her gone, so she decided to drop by his flat to get some of her things and wait until he got home — that is, if he got home; she really didn’t know.
Her heart jumped as she heard the door close softly behind his heavy footsteps. Her heart was racing so fast and her head was on the brink of spinning like crazy. Y/N’s heart shrunk with the anticipation of the moment yet to come. She was certain this would be one of her last minutes spent with him and although she didn’t want to be thinking about it now, she couldn’t help it. Her happiest memories were made with him by her side. She wouldn’t bare the pain to see him go.
Had he acknowledged her presence yet? Would Harry even want to talk to her at all?
Her trace of thoughts was interrupted as soon as Harry entered his kitchen. His face held a very stern expression and she knew what was to come. At the sight of him, Y/N’s heart felt even heavier than before and, in attempts to ease up the situation, even if just slightly, she pulled a chair out and motioned for him to sit.
At that, he indifferently glanced at the chair and turned his gaze back to her, pretty much ignoring her invitation for him to sit down with her.
“We need to talk.”
Y/N took the deepest, yet shakiest breath she could as to prepare herself for the moment that was to come — although no deep breath would ever manage to make her feel ready for this. In response, she only gave him a shy nod — she couldn’t find the strength in her to actually speak.
Harry lead them out the kitchen and headed to the living room, where both of them sat on different couches, opposite to each other so they could still look at the other.
“I was thinki-“
They immediately shut their voices when they heard the other speak and, Harry sensing Y/N was slightly embarrassed, let her go first.
“Um… Well, I was-… How can I say it..?”, she was lost in her own words. How was she supposed to tell him that she’d leave if that’s what he wanted even though that was the last thing she ever wanted to do? How was she supposed to just walk out the door and never turn back? “I thought about um, what you said and I- well, I figured that I’ll leave if that’s what you want. I also wanted to apologize for making you feel pressured. It’s obvious that you don’t want to-… be open with me and I have to respect that.”
She gulped hard when she finished, surprised with the fact she hasn’t cried yet. However, it was still noticeable — at least to Harry — that she was way more than just nervous. She kept her gaze down to her fidgeting hands most of the time she spoke and he could also hear her voice shake. She also stammered as she spoke — something he noticed she did when she was anxious and scared. Y/N, though, thought she was doing a great job at hiding how affected she had been with this whole situation.
Feeling the silence around them eat up at her, she immediately looked up to Harry, who was silently starring at her. Y/N felt so small in front of him, specially when his gaze was starring right through her and with that frown upon his forehead. If she had the strength to run away right here and right now, she’s sure she would have run off already.
Once again, the silence — the lack of response, to be exact — was all she needed to confirm her thoughts. She had to leave. Harry wanted her to leave.
But how? No- I mean, how? Should she give him a hug? Thank him for her best and favorite memories and 9 months she’s ever lived? Or straight up just walk out? How does one even say goodbye to a loved one like that? She didn’t know what he wanted. There was no way she could — she wasn’t exactly a mindreader.
“Um… I should probably go then…”, as soon as she got nothing but silence in return, she stood up and reached for her bag. Y/N was on full silent-sobbing right now and she didn’t even try to cover it up. She didn’t find the strength in her to do so.
Truth be told, she’s never felt weaker than she does now. Y/N feels as though her heart is being stomped on repeatedly, over and over again. She feels her brain begging, screaming at her for her to stop crying, for the pain is too much. She feels her eyes sting with all of the tears she’s let out and her stomach twisting. She can’t stop though, and she knows she won’t any time soon. So she just lets it go — all of it.
What she doesn’t know, however, is that Harry was silent not because he wanted her gone. Harry was silent because he didn’t find the words in him. His brain was at a thousand miles per second, where every possibility and outcome ran through his mind — including every worst case scenario. What was he supposed to do?
He wanted to apologize. For everything. Looking back now, bow did he even find in himself to call her annoying? Or ask her to leave him alone? Y/N had mentioned to Harry once or twice that being called annoying is probably one of the worst things someone could call another. Perhaps it is because of the fact that ‘annoying’ can cover a lot of things — from the way one speaks to the way they act and their personality or character. Y/N had never liked the term itself either. It just sounds aggressive to her.
He knew all of it, then why did he do it? Harry admits he didn’t think through his words, or else, they wouldn’t be on the spot they are now. But still, why did he say such harsh things to his Y/N? Nothing would ever justify those words.
When he told her he wanted to talk, he meant that he wanted to apologize, to try and make her understand why he has real bad trust issues. He wanted her to know that it was nothing personal and that he wanted to try talking about his feelings and emotions — his pain, specially — with her — that is, if she still wanted him around, of course. But now, he sees that all she has in her mind right now is how personal it is that he doesn’t want to talk to her and how much he doesn’t want her presence. Hell, if it were him on her spot he’d think the same too. He’s literally been silent since she began speaking.
However, as soon as he heard the front door click open, he immediately shot up from his sitting position on the couch. He absolutely hated how his perception of time was much slower than reality sometimes. Who knows? He could’ve been too late and lost her for good.
He got to the front door just seconds before she stepped out. Fearing she’d magically disappear, he stuck his hands out and held her upper arm tightly — not enough to hurt her —, stopping her from leaving his house — from leaving him. As soon as she turned back around, behind the puffy eyes and red spots on her beautiful face, he still saw how surprised she was at his actions. Hadn’t he just indirectly said he didn’t want her anymore?
“Wait! Don’t go…”, Harry said.
But what got to her was that he didn’t just say it. He meant it. Y/N swore on her life her knees almost collapsed at the tone of his voice and the expression on his face. Could she be wrong, after all?
“What? Why not?”, she blurted out.
Harry’s heart broke at how she sounded: so hopeless and broken. And unfortunately, he was the one who did that. He was so caught up onto his own pain that he ended up causing it to someone else; not just someone else, but his Y/N. He was so focused on shielding himself from any harm that he ended up harming her delicate, loving heart instead. And that’s why he promised himself and to everything that’s most precious in this world that he wouldn’t do it again. Only he knows how much it hurts to see her like that.
And to make matters even worse for him? Y/N wasn’t even mad. There was no hint of anger or irritation upon her delicate features. She was just… sad. And heartbroken.
Harry realized that she must’ve had so much respect for him that she took him into consideration way more than she took herself. Not only that, but she was also willing to prioritize his happiness over hers. After all, she was leaving because she thought that was what would make him happy and whole again; even if that wasn’t what was right for her.
“I’m sorry. God, I’m such an idiot, I’m so sorry, Y/N”, he let go of her arm and took her hands into his, instead. “I never meant any of those words. Never did and never will. And specially, I don’t want you to leave. Please, don’t leave me. Stay, please, love. Stay…”. At this exact moment, all he could think about was trying to make her stay. He wanted her to see his part of the story too.
With a silent nod, she re-entered the house. As soon as the door was locked, Harry immediately wrapped his arms around her frame and hugged her as tightly as ever.
“I love you. I love you. So much, love. Please, let me explain. Hear me out.”
She teared up at his words even harder. They had never exchanged those words before and now that he said them, she didn’t know what to do. What if he brought her back inside so they could talk like proper adults and later he actually asks her to leave? Her mind was racing and she couldn’t stop herself from thinking all of this was over — that they were over. Also, should she repeat those words at this moment? She knows she loves him too. A lot. But is this the right time? Tired of debating with and against herself, she decides to save them for another hour. They needed to talk.
Leading both of them to the couch—the same one, now—, he sat as closely to her as he could. He wanted her to know how serious he was about those three little words and how much he meant every single word he was about to speak.
So he began. And he told her everything. From what made him so closed off to people, to what had recently made him upset and act the way he did. He had shared with her every piece of his that he hadn’t shared with anyone else in a very long time. And Y/N had been even more understanding and loving in response than he thought she would. Not that Harry thought she wouldn’t give it importance or would just brush it off, no. But she never ceased to surprise and amaze him.
She is too kind for this world he often finds it hard to understand. But that is just the way she is. And he loves every bit of her.
Their talk was rather emotional and she still managed to make him cry even a bit harder. With words of assurance, she told him she’d be there for him through everything and all, through the bad and the worst and through the good and the best. Harry also made a promise to himself and to her to never let it get that bad again. He was going to try to open up more to her.
And just from what he had shared with her tonight was enough to make him feel as though a whole building was lifted off from his shoulders. He felt as light as a feather and relief wouldn’t even begin to describe the feeling in his heart. Harry was forever thankful for Y/N and he was going to make sure she feels as appreciated and loved as she deserves on every day ahead of them.
Their talk had ended just a couple minutes ago and they were now just intently looking at each other with a small smile tugging at each of their lips. Pulling her closer to him, the both of them closed their eyes and breathed each other in, mostly enjoying their presence and company.
“Harry?”, she lowly said, interrupting the silence.
“I love you too.”
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