and some of the time spent with really close friends

Nick Robinson - Lovebirds

It felt so great to write one about Nick. He is just such a cutie.

MASTERLIST

I grew up with the cast of Melissa and Joey even though I wasn’t part of the production. My dad was a cameraman and I spent half of my teenage years with the cast on the filming. I became part of the family and I was so happy I could be there during all of the seasons.

This whole thing didn’t just give me an amazing experience, but some really important people. Taylor and I became so close, she was one of my best friends by the end of season one. We were so similar, we spent a lot of time together on set and out of set too.

And then there was Nick. We didn’t talk too much during the first season and it was mostly because I was so afraid to talk to him since I had a crush on him. He was so different from the guys in my school and he had this cute smile no one could resist, you can’t blame me for falling for him.

Taylor was the one who couldn’t put up with my behavior anymore and forced me to talk to Nick and it was better than I thought it would be. He was really nice so in addition to his cute appearance he had a great personality. How could I not fall for him? But I kept it as a secret, only Taylor knew about it and she always nagged me about it.

“You should just tell him!” she told me at least once a week.

“No, I’m good with just being friends,” I always replied rolling my eyes.

“But you could be more! I don’t get you, woman!” she growled and then let it go.

I was really okay with just being his friend, it was more than I would have imagined when I first saw him. He was in his pj’s and he was eating some icecream when I first walked on the set with my dad. He was fifteen then, I was almost fifteen, I had five more days until my birthday, and he wished me happy birthday five days later making me blush so hard my dad actually asked me if I was okay. Awkward.
I didn’t expect him to like me back, I was sure I wasn’t his type, so I got used to it, not big deal.

Now it was the last day of the entire shooting, the series was over and that meant I would meet these amazing people almost every day.

“I can’t believe we would have to arrange a meeting from now to see each other. It was so great that we knew we would meet here every day,” Taylor mumbled hugging me tightly before the last scene. You could feel the sadness in the air, everyone was saying goodbye all day, it was really depressing.

“But it won’t come between us!” I told her kissing her cheek.

“Guys, let’s get over with it!” the director shouted so everyone had to take their places. I stood next to dad as they did the last scene.

I couldn’t take my eyes off Nick, he looked so great in his sailor suit. Unlike Ryder, he was really an intelligent guy, it was something I always adored him for. I almost cried when they all hugged at the end of the scene. The director shouted “cut” but they didn’t let go of each other, so suddenly everyone joined into the group hug. I was stuck between my dad and Melissa, and my face was only millimeters away from Nick’s. For a brief minute we looked into each other’s eyes and I swear, his gaze moved down to my lips for a second. But then the group split and the moment was over.

“I saw it,” Taylor snapped at me grabbing my wrist as everyone started to pack their things after our goodbye.

“You saw what?” I asked in confusion.

“How you and Nick were looking at each other.” She couldn’t hide her smile and it was catchy, she made me smile too.

“I don’t know what you are talking about,” I told her shaking my head and avoided her eyes.

“Oh you know! Jesus, the way he was looking at you!”

“Taylor, don’t even start, okay? I have to go and pack my stuff. Talk to you later,” I told her trying to get out of this conversation.

“Argh, you are such a pussy,” she rolled her eyes before walking away.

I walked to the place I always put my staff since I didn’t have a dressing room there and started to pack my and my dad’s stuff while he was taking care of his camera. When I was done I stood up and turning around I was about to find my dad but I bumped into someone. It was Nick.

“Oh, sorry, I didn’t know you were here,” I awkwardly laughed fixing my hair.

“No, I’m sorry for standing in your personal area,” he chuckled. “So, this is the last time we meet here.”

“Yeah, it’s crazy to think about it. We were like, kids when we first met here,” I nodded smiling at the thought of that day.

“Yes, it was before your birthday!”

“You remember it?” I asked with wide eyes. I wasn’t expecting him to remember the shy and quiet girl who was there with her dad.

“Of course I do, and I also remember how you blushed when I wished you happy birthday.”

“Oh my God,” I said closing my eyes. Why did he have such a great memory?

“Don’t worry, it was cute. I liked it.”

“You did? What could you like about it? I was so awkward,” I laughed shaking my head.

“I found it really satisfying that a girl was affected by me,” he told me with a proud smile. “I didn’t have much success at the age of fifteen,” he shrugged.

“But now you have,” I said a bit sadly because I knew he must have had someone in his sight and it probably wasn’t me.

“I guess we could say that, but I’m still stuck with the same girl I made blush five years ago.”

“What?” I asked immediately with wide eyes. I must have scared him because his head snapped up looking at me in confusion.

“What? Uh, I mean… Fuck,” he muttered and I was starting to feel like it was some kind of twisted joke Taylor planned out to tease me.

“Are you saying that you…”

“That I have a crush on you since we first talked? No, that would be silly,” he laughed sarcastically. “Only if you are okay with it,” he said with a sudden serious tone.

I was taken aback by the happenings. In just a few seconds my inner teenage self started to do backflips through my mind repeating Nick’s words.

I didn’t reply for a few minutes because my brain was blank I had no idea what I should say, and I guess Nick took it as an answer.

“Sorry I unloaded this on you, I don’t know what I was thinking,” he laughed awkwardly and was about to walk away but I grabbed his wrist.

“No, Nick, sorry, I just… You have no idea how long I have been waiting for you to say this.”

“Really?” he asked raising his eyebrows. “Because I thought that you only saw me as… like a brother or something.”

“Oh, no. I was crushing on you, really badly, just ask Taylor.”

He chuckled and I got lost in his beautiful smile.

“Now I regret that I didn’t make a move earlier, but… if you want to, we can go somewhere, sometime, I’m free next week.”

“What about now?” I asked arching an eyebrow at him. I didn’t want to wake up and realize it was all a dream, or give him the chance to change his mind until the next day.
He smiled at me nodding, making my heart beat faster.

“Okay. Just let me get my stuff quickly.”

He turned around and took about two steps before turning back.

“What’s wrong?” I asked seeing his furrowed eyebrows.

“I just forgot something.”

“Wha-“

Before I could finish my sentence he pressed his lips to mine.

I literally melted into his soft lips. He was such a great kisser, I always envied the girls who played his girlfriends on the show, and now I was the one who he was kissing and it wasn’t even in the script.

He was so tall, I had to tiptoe to be able to hug his neck, but I couldn’t care less. The kiss turned into a make out session and I just couldn’t get enough of him. But then we were interrupted by none other than Taylor.

“Aw, look at the lovebirds! I knew it!” she yelled excited making us pull away. I felt myself blushing and I hid my face in Nick’s chest not wanting to see Taylor’s satisfied face.

“Okay, okay, there is nothing to see here,” Nick told her chuckling as he had his arms around me.

I heard her sneer in happiness before she walked away and I was able to look up at Nick.

“Sorry about that, she could be really annoying sometimes,” I mumbled rolling my eyes.

“It’s okay. I’ll go and get my stuff. Stay here, I want to do this again.”

“Do what?” I asked in confusion.

“This,” he said and kissed me again.

2

Imagine #132 Make a choice (Pt.1)

I was at Rafinha’s house; he was a really good friend of mine. We always spent time together, since we met. When he injured himself, a few months ago, he came in to the hospital I started working as a nurse and somehow we started talking and texting and became close.

As much as he was extremely hot and good looking, you never thought of dating him. However, there were some days when you got confused by his actions. He might had a little crush on you at least that is what you heard from a colleague who talked to him during his therapy at the hospital.

“Are the others coming or what?” I asked, as I was looking him getting dressed.

“Yeah, Neymar is coming with Dani and Adriano.”

“Good, but why do I always need to be alone around all of you guys. Can’t you call some of your girl friends?”

“I’d rather look just at you” he smiled and winked, I hated when he did that. It was confusing me.

On the other side, Neymar. He was a great friend of Rafinha, the two of them were constantly together and having fun, that is why I had the chance to meet him and some of the other teammates. However, I cannot say that I don’t fancy Neymar. He is amazing, he always makes me laugh, he brings joy and he is really hot.

Neymar does text me sometimes and we do talk, but he keeps getting in and out, not really making me sure about what he feels. Basically I am stuck between this two guys, who are amazingly good looking and just to make it even more difficult, they are best friends.

“By the way I was thinking with Neymar that we could throw a party or just go out tonight? Would you like to join us and have the best time of your life?”

“Well this is a last moment invitation. I don’t really know, I don’t like being the only girl, plus I don’t have anything with me and I am not going out like this for sure.”

“You can bring your friends if you want and you can go change, you live literally ten minutes away from here, so I actually do not see any problems in this.” He said annoyed as he sit on the sofa next to me.

“Yeah easy to say, no one will go out, they all work tomorrow and most of them doesn’t party anymore.”

“Heeey!!” I heard Dani shout and the three Brazilians walked inside. Neymar immediately crossed my eyes, a smile appeared on my face the second I saw him.

“Oi! We were just talking about that plan, about getting out tonight?” Rafinha said, as they all got comfortable on the sofa.

“Are you coming with us?” Neymar asked, but his smile was not on his face anymore.

“I’m not sure, but is a problem if I do?” I asked confused, since he did look like it was bothering him.

“Of course not! The more the better!” said Dani, but I wanted to know what Neymar’s response would be. “I’m also bringing my girlfriend, so you two can have some girl talk” Dani smiled, and I got much better knowing I would not be the only girl there.

After Adriano said that he would rather stay home with his family and not go with us, they all started playing FIFA. I walked in to the kitchen and got my keys and purse, when I turned around to leave the room I almost bumped in to Neymar.

“Why are you coming?” he suddenly asked.

“So you really do not want me there…”

“I did not say that.”

“Then what is the problem?”

“I just…”

“What?”

“I just hope you won’t get all over me in front of Rafa once you will be drunk”

As he said that I wanted to slap him, he was provoking me. It was not the first time he did this, he always makes me think that he might will finally admit how he feels about me and then, bam, another disappointment.

“Oh yeah, you wish. Don’t worry I won’t,” I rolled my eyes, pretending it did not bother me and walked out of the house to go get ready.

It took me about an hour and a half to get a shower, wash my hair and got dressed. Once I came to Rafinha he was alone, he said the boys went get ready.

“(y/n), what about a shot to start the night?” He asked not even letting me answer, and pulled out a bottle of tequila.

“Why not.” I said and looked for salt and lemons.

“To what?” I asked as we got both our shots in our hands.

“To us, to make this night our night” he winked and as I smiled we took our shot.

“Now go get comfortable, I need to take a shower.”

“What? You still didn’t get ready?” I asked annoyed, because I hated waiting for people.

After about ten minutes of watching, a series on TV Rafinha walked down the stairs, “Finally!” I said and turned around to see him.

To see him. To see him in nothing but just a towel around his waist.

I could feel my face getting red and I could not stop staring at him as much as I wanted to move my look away from his body.

“Impressed?” he laughed at me staring at him like that.

“Well. Not bad.” I tried to cover my excitement. Why was I so happy about this I had no idea. I never looked at him as more than a friend, he was beautiful and I did like his personality, but never in a more than a friendly way.

He suddenly walked closer, standing behind me sitting on the sofa and kissed my cheek. I could feel his cold body, still wet and the smell of his cologne. He was driving me crazy, I closed my eyes and not even thinking about what I was doing, I pulled my hand back and placed it on his head pushing him closer as he kissed my neck.

“We’re back!” Neymar’s voice pulled us away from each other, thankfully not noticed. I felt so embarrassed and confused about my own behavior. What was I leading to, was it just the fact that he looked extremely hot, or was I hiding this feeling about him for the entire time.

“Hey,” Rafinha said calmly, “I just got out of the shower. Listen, we already took one shot of tequila, so we should get all one now huh?”

As we walked in to the kitchen I presented myself to Dani’s girlfriend, she seemed really nice and beautiful.

“Okay, so. To the best night of our lives!” Rafa said and we all took our shots. When it came to alcohol, I was so easily drunk it was almost as I pretended I was, but I really got drunk after a few drinks.

When Rafa ran back in his room to get dressed and the couple went in the living room to watch TV I was left in the kitchen with Neymar.

“So, did we interrupt you?”

“What?”

“I’m not an idiot you know. You, him just in a towel.”

“Nothing happened.” I said annoyed, “and even if it did, this is none of your business.”  

“I know. Just don’t do something you actually do not want.”

I rolled my eyes and walked away, because once again he managed to get on my nerves. I hated him when he was acting like that. He had those incredibly amazing and nice moments when he would say I look beautiful and make everything possible to make me smile.

But this few days he kept getting meaner towards me and sometimes I would think he was jealous of Rafinha, but then his words would totally remove this thought.

I'm going to vent for a minute about being religious and queer because I need to get this off of my chest:

The other night, I took a small trip out of town with a couple of close friends, one of which is queer and has been trying to come out to her family. We spent a lot of time talking about coming out, and about being queer in general, and the conversation was mostly light hearted, but there were some sad points - particularly when she told me she had really been grappling with the whole “sin” thing.

She told me she had been trying to work around it but she wasn’t able to overlook or reconcile her faith with her sexuality. We talked a lot about high school (we were really close friends then) and how so much of what was structured for us then in terms of religion actually did more harm than good, and we wound up having this really intense and honest conversation about God, church, and being queer, and I don’t think I’ve ever had a conversation as honest and broken as that one. I talk freely about my expereinces in church and I’ll talk openly about how those experiences shaped me and hurt me, but I don’t think I’ve ever really just laid all of my cards on the table like that. And it probably had something to do with the fact that we went through a lot of the same things together - she heard me speak back when I was still doing the testimony thing. I spoke at her church and at the church camps she went to. She occasionally came and listened to me and the guys play, and we hung out quite a bit. We would talk about God and grace and we made it sound so smooth, but I look back on it now and it’s obvious what we were actually doing. We weren’t really talking about those things, we were just trying to compensate for that one part of us that wouldn’t fit the the narrative. We weren’t really talking about God - we were screaming for help In code.

Ya’ll I tried to kill myself 3 times before high school was all said and done. I had a huge relapse and spent some time in recovery before I graduated, and I’ve known for a while now that it was the clash between who I was and what I was told I ought to be that drove me over the ledge, but the other night, I got to see it in its entirety.
Ya’ll I was destroying myself because there was no room for me. I got down on my knees every Sunday and I begged God to fix me, because I fucking hated myself for the longest time.

Several months back, I tried to do the whole church thing again, and I went to this church and Laura came with me, and I was excited because I hadn’t been in so long, and everyone stared. The pastor himself turned to face us - we were sitting in the far left hand of the room tucked away and the man literally turned his podium to face us to preach about the Old Testament and Levitical law, and he’s trying to pass it off like he’s talking to everyone, but he’s not - he is looking me in the eyes, and I can feel the hate and bias and condemnation radiating off of the service, and when we finally got up to leave, they just let us. The people hanging out outside talking to people and greeting people get really quiet as we leave the sanctuary and step out into the hallway to leave, and I swear I could feel them staring.

The other day, I read something on a church site in Colorado that talked about “tolerance” and queer individuals, but t was never about that. For me and my friend and girlfriend and every queer identity that sits in a church pew, we need a lot more than your “tolerance.”

Do not tolerate me.
Love me.
Stop saying that I’m sick - that I was born broken and I just need some healing - I am whole, ya’ll.

So when my friend is telling me about how she’s hurting and she feels like God is angry at her, I was cracking to pieces because I know what that feels like.

Since I’ve been home, I’ve noticed how people treat me differently. Someone screamed “faggot” at me while driving down the road. People I used to go to church with actively avoid me, and those that do talk are clearly hesitant, and it’s because I decided to stop hating myself, and that’s really confusing to me, but it doesn’t matter, because it doesn’t change how I feel about myself now - I have spent two years addressing my own internalized queer phobia, and I don’t hate myself and I don’t hate God or the church.

Hey, if you’re queer and struggling with church or God of your beliefs in general, I see you. You’re not alone and God doesn’t hate you and if you’re going to a church that says the opposite, keep going back to this: you’re not alone. Find a new church. If you’re made to go to church with your family, there are communities and blogs full of affirming theology, and there are a lot of shoulders here who have been there and get it and want to give you support.

“Middle school was tough because as I started to hit puberty, I couldn’t quite get along with or even talk to other people, and as a result I hardly had any friends. Without even making any attempts to approach people, I assumed, ‘Oh, I’ve been abandoned.’ I did have two close friends, but since we were placed in separate classes, I couldn’t hang out with them all the time. When they weren’t around, I would either eat alone during lunch or just sit near some classmates and eat without a saying a word. I spent the first two years in silence, keeping to myself. As I entered my third year, I thought to myself, ‘I should be more confident,’ but I just couldn’t. I’d never really interacted with the other students for those first two years, so it was hard for me to make the first move. When I look back on it now, I wonder why I struggled all on my own. Everyone simply saw me as ‘that shy kid,’ but in reality I couldn’t make an effort because I assumed they all didn’t like me.”
“Weren’t those three long years tough on you?”
“Yes… very much. Still, I had my two best friends. As soon as school ended, I met up with them and chatted. I was the happiest at that moment when I escaped the classroom and thought, ‘These long hours… these long hours at school are finally over…’ My friends were my medicine. The kind you take when you have an upset stomach. A medicine that flushes all your problems away!”

“중학교 때 사춘기가 오면서 남들과 잘 어울린다거나 얘기를 잘 하지 못해서 친구가 별로 없었어요. 사람들에게 제가 다가가지 않았으면서 ‘아, 난 버려졌구나’ 라고 생각했죠. 친한 친구 둘이 있었지만 반이 다르다 보니 매번 붙어 다닐 수는 없었고, 그 친구들이 없을 때면 전 혼자 밥을 먹거나 아님 반 애들 옆에 앉아서 그냥 먹기만 했어요. 중학교 2년을 진짜 그냥 가만히 있는 채로 보냈죠. 3학년이 되면서 ‘나도 좀 당당해져야겠다’ 라고 생각했지만, 그 전 2년동안 애들하고 같이 뭘 한 게 없으니까 안친해서 결국 못 다가갔어요. 지금 생각하면 나 혼자 왜 그랬을까 싶어요. 남들은 절 그저 조용한 애라고 본건데 전 다른 애들이 절 안 좋아한다고만 생각해서 다가가지 못했던 거에요.”
“3년이나 되는 그 긴 시간 동안 힘들지 않았어요?”
“힘들… 었죠. 그래도 저에겐 그 친한 친구 두 명이 있었으니까요. 학교 끝나면 바로 그 친구들과 만나서 얘기했거든요. 반에서 나오는 순간이 제일 행복했어요. ‘이런 긴 시간이… 학교에 있던 긴 시간이 이제 끝났구나…’ 할 때요. 그때 걔네 들은 저한테 약이었어요. 속 안 좋을 때 먹는 약 있잖아요. 확 뚫리는 약!”

Yesterday I posted a photo that was pretty typical for me and I was pretty proud of. A couple embracing in front of some mountains with a stream surrounding them. What wasn’t as typical for me was that the photo was of two people of the same gender. As someone who often posts about my faith and beliefs I knew it would be exciting for some and frustrating for others but hopefully I can give a little perspective here as well.

As a wedding photographer, I’ve been shooting weddings for about 8 years now and as a Christian the idea of photographing a LGBTQ couple has been one that I’ve spent an incredible amount of time thinking, discussing, and praying over with close family, friends, mentors, & pastors. From what I’ve seen, the LGBTQ community as a whole has really been hurt and outcast from the Christian community *by* most of the Christian community.
When I look at the life of Jesus, I see a man who spent a lot of his time reaching out to those that the religious community rejected. He even earned the nickname “friend of sinners.” For me (a sinner in daily need of forgiveness and grace), I’m not only called, I’m given the blessing to love others like I’ve been and continue to be loved by God. Therefore, I believe it’s right to not avoid people or things that might not line up with what I believe, but to show love to all people and cultures. This means I photograph weddings all over the world for people from all sorts of cultural and religious/non-religious backgrounds. I make it very clear what I believe and people still hire me.
Right now the thing that I’m best at is photography, so if I can bless people by taking their photos I’m going to try to do that.

If you want to talk about it more, feel free to email or DM me here, I’d just ask to keep the comments civil :) https://instagram.com/p/86MSfXqWwB/ Photo by Benj Haisch