and so i end up giving myself feels

What are you supposed to do when you are falling in love with someone, and your whole body is being drained. What are you supposed to do when you feel yourself losing your sanity because you feel so empty by the end of the day. How are you supposed to explain how you feel to someone who feels no where close to how you feel about them. I’m loosing myself trying to love him. I’m losing my sanity, because I’m so caught up with him. I wait by my phone, waiting for another text, and it’s never quite fast enough. I feel like I care more, I feel like I want this more, and I feel like he doesn’t give a fuck what happens to us. I feel like i bother him constantly, I feel like I annoy him every time I overreact. I feel like he’s soon going to get sick of my uncertainty of myself. Eventually he’s going to forget the reasons why he ever fell for me in the first place. I’m waiting for this heart break to come, just like our over due earth quake.
10

top 50 otps of all time ☆ #45. Peyton Sawyer & Jake Jagielski 

“Yes, losing your heart’s desire is tragic, but gaining your heart’s desire? That’s all you can hope for. This year I wished for love … to immerse myself in someone else and to wake a heart long afraid to feel. My wish was granted and if having that is tragic, then give me tragedy because I wouldn’t give it back for the world.”

Love in Colors

☇  soulmates au

genre: soft angst and light fluff

pairing: taehyung // you

word count: 7,034

warnings: people have said they needed tissues but………

Description: Lost as an artist, you travel around in order to find yourself. Then you meet Kim Taehyung - a stranger, a friend, and your soulmate. Only you don’t remember him but he remembers you.

A/N: ahaha i decided to post this a day earlier :) i’m pretty proud of it, so i hope you’ll like it!!



I met my soulmate before I was conceived. we were nothing but constellations composed of dying stars. before the supernovas consumed us, he told me, “Don’t ever feel alone in the years to come. You may have your doubts, but we’ll collide again. They say the universe is infinite, but so is love.


As an art major, you have always been interested in the order of the world and its complex design, a nexus of colors and lights, hopes and dreams, fears and failures, completed with intricate beings that are both so fragile and so strong at the same time. It confounds you when you realize how every single being on this Earth has a story behind themselves. You have learned to appreciate the masterpieces produced by various artists, sculptors, photographers, and musicians alike, their interpretations and impressions always having an impact, leaving you in deep thoughts and moments of stillness afterwards, the final note ringing in your mind or the picturesque landscape imprinted beneath your closed lids. Perhaps this is how the child-like wonder always makes its appearance in your paintings.

Yet you are still searching for yourself and the kind of art that will make you up in the coming years in a world that is so big, a constant cycle of criticism and judgement. You spend nights alone under the starlit skies, agonizing over the smallest of details, dozens and dozens of shredded and crumpled papers thrown around.

To put it simply, you are utterly lost.

You always knew that being an art major was risky; the chances of being actually successful were low, and you were nearing graduation from your arts college with nothing in your portfolio. But from the first time your young, chubby one year old fingers touched the cool, slick paint and stained themselves across paper, you were completely immersed. The urge to draw was something you could never resist, even if you wanted to, and the talent came naturally.

You’ve never, in the ripe years of your life, had an artist’s block, always listening to friends go on and on about them, but you’ve always had inspiration. That is, until now.

You find yourself unsatisfied, constantly comparing your own paintings to those of Van Gogh’s or Monet’s, feeling that none of your pieces of art were alive enough. None of them were spirited or lively, and though yes, they were good, beautiful even, they did not convey the emotions you wanted the audience to feel. Anyone could be an artist that draws, but not every artist could move people. To become truly successful, one had to fully understand themselves to produce the art that they desired, and that was just what you were missing.

The constant strive for perfection is what echoes in your head day and night, and finally you have enough of it. Your friends too, suggest that you take a break and walk the world for a bit, and maybe then you would gain inspiration.

That is how you end up in the Louvre Museum in Paris, only you are still as stuck as ever, and your trip is quickly coming to an end, with only a few days left.

“Yeah, I know,” you sigh into your phone. You are wandering the museum, absentmindedly looking at the works. Nothing really strikes your eye.

“Y/N, seriously though,” comes your best friend Yoongi’s voice. He is the one that understands you the best, the drive for perfection in himself rivaling yours. A pianist, he gives himself up completely to the music. “Don’t get so stressed out. It’s okay if you have to stay another year.”

“That’s easy for you to say,” you finally snap. “You’ve already gotten a couple offers. I haven’t even sent out my portfolio.”

The other side of the phone is quiet. You only hear the soft crackling of his breath.

“Sorry,” you say softly, a little bit guilty for raising your voice. “I’m just - I’m about to just give up. You should understand me, Yoongi, this feeling of imperfection that doesn’t satisfy me. There’s this constant spotlight in my mind, like my end goal, and I’m so close but there’s just this little stretch that I can’t reach. What if I really can’t find myself?”

“Y/N,” Yoongi says quietly, “these things can’t be rushed. The more you rush it, the more locked your personality gets.”

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47 Hacks People With ADD/ADHD Use To Stay On Track

1.Take a picture of your to-do list otherwise #1 on your to-do list will be find the to-do list!” - Paris Swenson, Facebook

2.Break long tasks into manageable segments. For example, you don’t have to ‘Clean your room,’ you have to: 1. Place all laundry in a basket… 2. Clear off desk…. 3. Organize your bookshelf… 4. Vacuum rug… Etc.” - alicegateso

3. “I keep a pad of paper by my keyboard at work. When I have a persistent thought that’s not associated with what I’m doing (I.E. ‘Call the plumber,’ ‘What kind of tree is that outside?,’ ‘I should wear more red.’) I write it down and promise myself I’ll think about it later. This let’s me acknowledge the thought and move on without falling down the rabbit hole.” - Lauren Dodson, Facebook

4.I keep Word documents on each day and list what I got done so I can go back if I forget/lose track.” - Molly Jane Sisson, Facebook

5.Have one place for every item that you use every single time. My keys, for example, always always always go on a hook beside the door.” - Chloe Burns, Facebook

6. “If you’re in school, you must invest in a planner. I leave nothing to my memory because if I’m not 100% paying attention during class, I will forget any assignment immediately.” - Chloe Burns, Facebook

7.Try to block out sensory distractions when you’re doing a task that requires focus. I pick a quiet spot away from windows and monitors when I need to hunker down. Earplugs are helpful, and so is white noise” - snarkastik

8.I make time each night/week to straighten up my living space. If all of my chores are done and the majority of my apartment is put together, I can think so much more clearly and can focus on more important things.” - zoeo429a8c39d

9. “Those giant desk calendars are great. I like to keep one on my wall and color-code classes/projects.” - Brooke Elise Henry, Facebook

10. “I keep a planner in my bag so that I can jot things down there, then transfer it all to my wall calendar at the end of the day.” - Brooke Elise Henry, Facebook

11.I put my car keys underneath anything I need to remember to take with me. That way, I can’t physically leave without seeing the item I need.” - Amanda Egert Lee, Facebook

12. “I leave sticky notes on my keys.- Amanda Egert Lee, Facebook

13. “I have to make it a point to remove all forms of communication from my reach so I know I’m only concentrating on the task at hand.” - andreaquido

14. “When I have a limited amount of time to do something (e.g. getting ready for work), I have a kitchen timer that I have go off every 3 minutes. It doesn’t seem like a lot of time, but you can get a lot done. When the timer seems to be going off too quickly and starts to become annoying, that usually means I’m daydreaming or focusing on the wrong thing.” - pantherkatz

15.I like to get some time outdoors every day because it helps me find peace. After all, they say ADD brains are the brains of hunters! That’s why they’re always looking all over the place.” - llama7777777

16.COLOUR CODE EVERYTHING. Bright colours in class notes, on important items, on tupperware lids, whatever. Bright colours are attention-grabbing and seeing ‘purple’ is faster than reading ‘Monday dinner leftovers.’ - Calico Jack Rackham, Facebook

17. “I like to go to productive places if I need to get work done; like the library, coffee shop, or studying with friends. When everyone around me is focused and working, it makes it easier for me to do so as well.” - gabbyh4940993bf

18. “I write notes with a dry erase marker on all of my bathroom mirrors.Things seem to hit me while I’m brushing my teeth or doing my makeup.” - Kristin Hasty, Facebook

19.I have a 6×9 notebook that I keep with me because I’m constantly writing ‘to-do’ lists.” - Kristin Hasty, Facebook

20. “For remembering to take things with me as I leave, everything has to be by the door so I can’t leave without seeing it. Bonus points if my keys are in the pile.” - Sydney Anderson, Facebook

21.I always convince myself I have to be somewhere earlier than I do. That way I have a few minutes buffer. If I have to be there at 8:30, I tell myself over and over that I have to be there by 8:15. It helps to have the clock in my car set 6 minutes fast. Even when I’m ‘running late’, I arrive a few minutes earlier than I actually have to be there.” - Cassie Costilow, Facebook

22.If you have to read something with a due date, separate 10-15 pages with post its and set a time to read it through the day. Let’s say you have to read 90 pages for tomorrow, read 15 pages at 10 am, 12 pm, 2 pm, 4 pm, 6 pm and 8pm.” - stefr2

23.When cleaning I try to focus on one small task at a time instead of the big picture. Instead of thinking ‘I’m going to reorganize the entire kitchen”, I think “I’m going to reorganize this cabinet.’ It really helps keep me from getting overwhelmed and shutting down completely.” - Cassie Costilow, Facebook

24.I make it a point to have all my bills (except rent ) due on the same day. This way when the 15th comes, I write down a checklist of what needs to be paid, go through the list, and pay them.” - ltriebl

25.I used to give myself deadlines for papers in undergrad. If something was not done by 2 a.m. I was not allowed to keep working on it. If the next morning was the deadline, too bad. By my 2nd year I never had to stay up all night, and by the time I got my M.A. it was completely internalized.” - Javiera Reyes, Facebook

26.I use a massive white board calendar and color code things; blue for my sorority, green for due dates, red for tests, and black for other random events” -mckenziec45e41be03

27.I schedule one day for cleaning. Everything gets done on that day even if it takes me hours.” - ltriebl

28.My supervisor and I write a daily to-do list every single day. Instead of asking me to do things, she just writes it on my list. I cross out things as I accomplish them.” - Cierra Kemppainen, Facebook

29.I always feel my pockets to make sure I have my phone, wallet, and keys before I leave a building or room. This has saved me more times than I ever thought.” - Adam Gottlieb, Facebook

30.I carry my meds in my school backpack all the time. It’s great if I sit down in my first class and all of a sudden realize I didn’t take them.” - Adam Gottlieb, Facebook

31. “Because my motivation is so low with ADHD, my therapist told me the best thing to do to get things done is do them right when you think about them or else you’ll never do it. It may be obvious but it’s actually really helpful when there are important things to do.” - amandaz42502c3e2

32. “I write everything, EVERYTHING, down. When it comes to things people ask me to do, I write them down. Before we leave our meeting, I repeat all of their requests back to them. When they agree with each, I check it off. Once I complete the tasks, I cross them out twice. It’s tedious, but it definitely works.” - Adrienne Brooke, Facebook

33.I tend to lean on people I know I can trust to help me remember things. I can rely on them without worrying about judgement.” - whitneyb19

34.Crossing things off has become a sort of reward. When I notice I’ve crossed off more than three things at once I give myself a Buzzfeed break!Or Facebook, or Gchat. Just something to help blow off a little steam before I dive into the next task. It’s the best feeling seeing a list of 47 things all crossed off at the end of a stressful workday.” - Colleen Daniel, Facebook

35.I always make lists in threes. Anything more than that and I end up losing focus of what I’m supposed to be doing, or hyper focusing and can’t switch tasks.” - keilande

36. “I also find that I’m more interested in keeping my personal life organized if it looks pretty, so at home it’s fun to do DIY projects that will actually create a more organized environment.” - Colleen Daniel, Facebook

37.Laundry is a passive chore, so I’ll wash dishes while the machine is running. Two for one!” - bryanpb

38. “Break down your tasks! If you have a paper due in three days don’t just try to write the whole thing in one day, make a goal to finish a part of it each day.- Brontë Ratcliffe, Facebook

39. “Try to only focus on one task at a time. It’s really tempting (REALLY REALLY TEMPTING) to do millions of unimportant things before you get to the one thing thats actually important. Think of your activities as if they are all contained in little boxes. Only open one box at a time and make sure that it is fully shut before you open the next box.- Amy Langiano, Facebook

40.Take lots of notes. In meetings I take diligent, detailed notes. I almost never refer back to them because somehow, just writing out the thought helps it stick in my mind, but the notes are there if I do need them later.” - gabriellao47ba20033

41.Writing things down with a pen or pencil instead of typing them in computer and phone strengthens my memory of them.” - bobc409eb4106

42. “When I get ready for work in the morning, I set the alarm on my phone to go off every 10 minutes to help with time management. I have no concept of time if I don’t.” - Mallori Kraemer, Facebook

43.I write up schedules even if I don’t use them perfectly. Just writing it down makes it stick better.” - katerg

44.Prioritize what needs to be done by writing it all out and writing how long you estimate each task will take. That really helps me order things in a way that works for me.” - gabrielleca

45.I make schedules for myself delineating how much time I anticipate each activity will take. Then, I build in 15-20 minute buffers on each to allow for the anticipated distractions and a couple of breaks. Works like a charm!” -emilyf4c854bde4

46.I’m an introvert. So I tell friends and family to inform me of plans and events as early as possible. I need time to plan out my activities as well as make sure I have the mental energy to engage with others.” - pantherkatz

47.Sit on an exercise ball while working on homework. It helps you by giving you something small to fill up your need for distraction while doing more tedious tasks.” - olivial7

I like affection but I don’t like being smothered in it to the point where I feel like I’m choking, however, I also want a wife, kids & some dogs some day but I have a real problem with people getting close to me thanks to my defensive mentality & my deep rooted issues. I can feel deeply to the point it terrifies me so I force myself to feel nothing and I tend to feel everything or nothing in the wrong situations. I love girls but also refuse to give any a chance because I slyly hate them at the same time. I like being left alone & unbothered in the comfort den I call my room but I also like being away from home for days on end with people I heavy vibe with doing new things & ending up in unforeseen situations. I’ve grown accustomed & comfortable with my solitude even though I feel it in my soul that I wasn’t supposed to be this way. I am a walking talking breathing contradiction.

Galra Like Me
Iz
Galra Like Me

i’ve had this “Strangers Like Me” parody from Tarzan written up about Galra Keith since last summer I just never got around to actually doing it lol. i wanted to give myself 3 hours to do this tonight, but it took me 4 in the end with mixing! 

as usual, everything you hear is done by yours truly (including the backing track + arrangement). enjoy!

Does it matter where I am from?
I’m a paladin just like them.
Would things feel the way they feel right now or change? 

lyrics below:


Keep reading

The Big 4: Mommy, Daddy, how did you meet?

Jerza

Jellal: W-well, we -

Erza: We were childhood friends!

Jellal: Yes, that’s good, listen to your mother … 

Gajevy

*Gajeel stares into the distance in horror while Levy quickly changes the subject*

Nalu

Natsu: Well, it was sort of a coincidence. We ended up in the same town and your mom bought me food so I had to give her a hand when she almost got tricked into this sex trafficking ring and - 

Lucy: NATSU, WHAT THE HELL!!!

Gruvia

Gray: Your mother blatantly refused to leave me alone until I finally admitted my feelings to myself and her.

Juvia: ~~ It was so romantic! ~~

Ever Since You Left Pt. 4

Part one. Part two. Part three.

A/N: Blame @whitechocolateperfection (for everything, tbh) sorry it’s short!! 


When I saw Shawn’s name on my caller ID, I wanted so badly to ignore it. To pretend that we’d never fought, that things were still as they were. I knew though that we needed to clear the air in order to move on, so I reluctantly answered.

“Y/N, look- I don’t like the way we left things. Dinner was tense and weird and I don’t want it to be like that every time we have to be in the same room together. We need to talk.” he said from the other end of the line. I pursed my lips.

“That’s the only reason you want to talk? So things aren’t awkward for other people?” I replied. Shawn sighed.

“Can you just come over? Or should I come to you?” he asked. I paused.

“Come over here.” I said finally. My parents weren’t home, which meant we had the privacy to yell and get all our feelings out. Shawn agreed, and said that he was coming before the line went dead.

Keep reading

Never Will I Ever

Summary: You’d waited years to get your soulmark, and when you finally did you realized that you’d never get to meet him.

Word count: 2284

Pairing: Steve Rogers x Reader

Genre: Angst with a happy ending

Warnings: Angsty

Author’s Note: So this was an idea that I’d had anyway BUT it wasn’t in the plans to be out anytime soon. However, yesterday I found myself on the receiving end of some hate, telling me to give up on writing because I wasn’t good and that I should delete my blog. Instead it fueled me to write this. So, to that anon, thanks for the motivation! And a big thank you to all of you who have been very supportive, it means a lot. Now, I feel like this started out strong but got a little weak near the end, for that I apologize, its 5am and I’m tired…If anyone wants a part 2 let me know and I can absolutely do it.

Tags: @emilyevanston, @goody2shoessmut

Keep reading

A while back, somebody had reblogged my (first) Langst post and tagged it with “abuse tw” or something similar and I just kinda went “that’s not abuse :/”

and Tree turns to me and says, “we don’t think of it as abuse because it happened to us.”

and the more posts I see about people explaining possible sources for Lance’s insecurity, the more I realize that, yeah, we’ve just completely normalized the idea of parents imparting deeply-rooted dearths of self-esteem and self-worth upon their children, to the point that we simply expect people to grow up maladjusted, insecure, and striving for the recognition and attention we never received as children. The idea of being anything but is mythological. We can’t even look at a seemingly well-adjusted and confident person without simply assuming that they’re hiding the same insecurities as the rest of us.

How fucked up is that?

But that’s a little off-track from where I wanted to go with this post, which is that I completely agree with the person that said that we, as a fandom, love projecting angst onto Lance because he’s the most relatable character in the cast. A large part of the fandom is part of a generation that has been forced to put on a happy face because the adults around us didn’t like it when we expressed the consequences of their crappy treatment of us, and we were told time and time again to be grateful to our parents, to love our family, that family was the most important thing, that we were being selfish and ungrateful if we dared expressed unhappiness about how we were raised and treated.

Lance is a Millennial. He deals with his issues of self-worth by careening in the other direction and proclaiming that he is awesome because literally nobody else in his life is doing that for him. He has to be his own positive voice in his life. But still, he lowers people’s expectations of him because he fully believes that there’s no way he can live up to anything more than that. He keeps himself firmly rooted in the position of the class clown, the epic flirt, because he knows people don’t expect much out of a guy like that. But it still hurts because he knows he’s purposefully brought everyone’s expectations down so low that they mostly just expect him to screw up. Nobody thinks anything of him…and why should they? He doesn’t think anything of himself, either.

Honestly, anybody that loves Lance and Langst needs to play The World Ends With You because Lance easily mirrors Beat:

“I took everything at my own pace. […] I wasn’t crazy about nothin’. Tha’s why my folks always bitched at me. ‘You gotta get into a good school! You gotta think about your future!’ All they wanted was results, man. Like I really give a crap, you know? […] They kept expectin’ stuff I ain’t got, then made me feel like trash when I didn’t give it. […] So I quit tryin’ altogether. Give up on myself, so my folks would, too. And the funny thing is, they did.” (Week 3, Day 5)

The one thing I think I hate most about myself is my persistent want to be love and be loved. No matter how many times I shut such thoughts and feelings out, they always return. I always end up wrapping my arms around a pillow at midnight wishing it was a real person. I always end up feeling lonely whenever I hear a love song, secretly wishing I could understand their joy. I hate it. The desire alone makes me feel so weak and vulnerable. Then I actually open my heart and love someone and I just end up hurt. I’m angry at myself for being so foolish to let myself fall in the first place. Why would I want to give another human power to hurt me? It makes sense to shut out the desire to love, but it remains nonetheless. I suppose that makes me human. That desire to be close to people is the very definition of human. Even so, I wish I could rise above my mortal desires, but alas, here I am full of longing and lonely as ever….
—  // 10:54pm //
baby

i love your smile
I love your scent
I love your personality
I love your voice
I love your body
I love your hair
I love your eyes
I love your lips
I love the way you snuggle so close when you wake up scared in the middle of the night
I love the way you make me laugh
I love the way you make me feel
I love the way you touch me
I love how you needy you are when it comes to me giving you attention
I love how you kiss me
I love how you always stand by my side
I love that you know me more than i know myself
I love how comfortable you are with me
I love how loyal you are to me


This is a never ending list baby, i love you.

Derek Morgan - What Took You So Long?

Originally posted by smolbeankolmikaelson

You get injured on a case and end up in the hospital and Derek ends up blaming himself for it because he was your partner. He thinks he should have stuck with you and you shouldn’t have split up. He never leaves your side while you’re in the hospital and even takes you home when you get released from the hospital. You immediately know something’s wrong with him and after he tells you what’s wrong, you reassure him that what happened was not his fault. Derek offers to stay with you to help you out. Over the weeks that he stays with you, you can’t help but notice that something is a little off about his behavior. One day, you finally decide to ask him about his behavior and you don’t expect the answer he gives you.

Pairing: Derek x Reader

Characters: Reader, Derek Morgan, Penelope Garcia, Spencer Reid, Aaron Hotchner, Jennifer Jareau, Emily Prentiss, David Rossi. Henry LaMontagne, Micheal LaMontagne (Mentioned)

Warning/s: Mention of a stab wound and being stabbed and little mentions of alcohol

A/N: Thank you to @mo320 for being my beta for this!!

Keep reading

They asked me what was something I never wanted to experience, and I tried my best to form an explanation that would make sense outside of my own mind.

Never do I wish to experience the sensation of no longer having control of my life, as if I am looking in on my decisions and my actions from an outside view, unable to do anything about it.
Unable to warn myself to take ten steps back.
Never do I wish to overstep my own personal boundaries and to lose sight of my goals.
After all is said and done at the end of each day, I’m the one living with myself.
Never do I wish to experience a moment where I am living for somebody other than myself, unless it’s an equal division of living for the heart I give to somebody I’ll love for the rest of my life.
Even then I wish to maintain my boundaries.
Never will I wish to lose myself and to get so caught up with the anxiousness of somebody else’s standards.
Never will I wish to feel so lost that I no longer wish to live. Never again.
I wish to find some form of happiness each and every day.
I wish to experience solitude and confidence in my mistakes when I admit them.
Never do I wish to stop being myself.

—  ARH / To My Future, experience life the way you wish to experience it

Summer before my senior year of high school I decided I really wanted to be a champion. I wanted to win, I wanted to be that athlete that always got articles in the newspapers and medals at every meet. That summer I trained the hardest I ever have in my whole life. Every morning I would wake up at 6:00 am to run 8 miles, or do a workout. On the weekends I would do a long run, my longest being 15 miles. I was totaling at least 50 miles each week and each day I would train by myself. Quietly hoping to come in that fall and be great. The first race of my cross country season I ran a 5k in a PR of 20:45. After that things went downhill. I got plantar fasciitis and struggled to simply walk around school. When I would run, my body was constantly fatigued and my foot would be in so much pain. I consistently ran around a 22-23 minute in all my 5ks and was placing no where even close to the top girls. I felt like my entire world was falling down around me. I gave up so much for this, I made so many sacrifices in every aspect of my life, especial socially, and it just wasn’t paying off. As indoor track started the plantar fasciitis went away but the fatigue in my body worsened. I hoped to break my PR of 12:02 in the 3200, but that season I struggled to break 13 minutes, only doing so a couple times. As I went into indoor track, I decided to see a doctor. Something wasn’t right. Sure enough I was anemic due to an iron deficiency. I started taking iron pills and my times got faster and faster and I got stronger and stronger. The picture shown above is me after I won my first race ever. That’s all I ever wanted… all of the passion, dedication, hard work, the early mornings of my pushing myself to run 6 mile repeats on the track alone, the nights of saying no to hanging out with my friends so I could get my sleep, finally it all paid off. It’s silly, I won the 1600 at a small meet with only a few teams running a 5:48 (pretty bad I know) but the whole feeling of winning was something I had always wanted. I couldn’t help but break down into tears after finishing. I am now in my freshman year of college and ran a 5k this season in 18:45. I go to a D2 school and came in hoping I would be top 7, but I am the 3rd place runner on my team right now. I have become a stronger and faster runner. I am proud of myself for continuing to dream even when it was hard. Things seemed hopeless, but you should never ever give up. It may take some time, sometimes years, for your hard work to pay off, but it will. This, right here, is why I run. I want the feeling of winning again and I am so determined to do it. I have 4 years in college to make it happen, and I know I can.

An edit to this: I ended my cross country season as an all american, placing 35th at d2 nationals. So far this indoor track season I have ran a 9:58 3k, 5:08 mile, and 17:28 5k. It’s amazing what can happen if you just believe!
2

hi pretties 🌷💕

may is almost over kids, which means i have waited all of mental health month to share own my story! when i first started this blog, i mentioned that i had some issues in high school but i never really shared about them.

i got depressed for the first time when i was a sophomore. i didn’t have much friends and i was painfully shy so i had a really hard time socializing with anyone but the few friends i already had growing up. not being given much attention made me feel a little insecure, sorta like i wasn’t good enough. i had never been confident, and i developed a habit of comparing myself to other girls. because of this, i became extremely self conscious about my looks, especially my body. at this time, i was at a healthy weight; i didn’t overeat and never in my life was i overweight, but comparison and insecurity got the best of me.

it started with me wanting to lose just a few pounds. i didn’t have much knowledge about healthy eating and weight loss, but simply eating less was how it began (this is also when i started running). overall, i just wanted to look and feel more fit. what i didn’t realize was that i was becoming obsessive about it. i wouldn’t finish meals or i would skip them; i stayed away from certain foods, even foods i used to eat all the time. i even tried counting calories everyday, how much i was eating and how much i was burning. i thought i was doing myself good, but by the time i was early into my junior year, “a few pounds” became 20. this made me feel tired, depressed, even scared of eating like a normal person. all i remember from my junior year and the summer after is being unhappy with my life. i tried to fill the void with guys, partying, being around people i shouldn’t have been, and on top of all this i was completely faking my confidence; i’d cry because i hated myself then walk into a room and act like i loved myself more than anyone.

when senior year rolled around, i knew i had an eating disorder. i knew that i was unhealthy, and if i kept doing what i was doing, i was going to end up in the hospital. that was the year that i started trying to overcome these habits (notice i said TRYING). when i made the decision to start recovering, i had no idea that it would be so difficult. my weight began to go up and down, and it got really frustrating. some days i felt genuinely happy with my body, but other days i felt awful. i was proud of myself, though, because no matter how hard it was, i never let myself starve again. 

the end of my senior year and that summer is a story for another time. but i went through a lot and i met people who helped me become who i am today. i also found out that i am a lot tougher than i look! i’ve become truly happy with who i am, and i am genuinely myself again. i am able to run because i like to run, not because i’m trying to lose weight. i eat whatever i want, whenever i’m hungry (so cake). and although anorexia doesn’t consume my life anymore and i’m healthier than i used to be, i’m still recovering from those painful two years. sometimes i have my bad days, but i always end up finding a way to pick myself up.

so if you’re still reading (thanks💕), please remember to take care of yourself, whether that means staying alive another day or simply eating breakfast. and i don’t care if it feels like the whole damn world has given up on you, don’t give up on yourself. your life is worth so much more than that asshole in your head that keeps telling you you’re not good enough.

so there you go friends, my first personal story about my mental health journey! thank you for those of you who stuck through it all, i know i’m not the best writer in town but i like to tell stories! 🙆🏻
(another thanks for your support)
🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷

silcatian  asked:

For UF, SF, HT, and MT skelebros, how would they react if their s/o liked being in contact with them a lot. Walking together down the street, they hold his hand. Laying down on the couch or in bed, they go to bury themselves in his arms. When asked about why they do this they reply, "Because I feel safe when I'm with you. I can fully relax and know that no harm will ever come to me as long as you're here."

* HECK THIS IS ME
* Also, sorry bae I don’t do Horrortale
* If any one of y’all imagine hoes out there wanna pick that up for me, you’re welcome to!!

Context: Early stages of their relationship.


UF!Sans

He gets flustered very easily by casual affection, but as long as it isn’t too smothering or dramatic, he’ll accept it silently even as blush creeps up his face. He’s not one for actively initiating physical affection even as he actively craves it so he secretly really enjoys the fact that his S/O does this. It takes a long while for him to actually ask because he’s afraid that if he mentions it, he’ll make things awkward and they’ll stop doing it. So for a long while, he just silently reciprocates whenever his S/O initiates affection. He only eventually asks because he was spiralling one night and wondering why the hell they’re even with him and why they seem to like his company so much. What do they want from him? It’s after their response that their relationship moves to another level of closeness. His S/O trusts him, feels safe around him. Holy shit. If that doesn’t make him more protective than ever, I don’t know what will. He gets more touchy, slowly initiating more and more physical affection himself because he wants to keep them close. He knows he’s not the most ideal romantic partner, but keeping that safe? That he can do.

UF!Pap

He adores the way they openly show affection to him, pulling them close whenever they snuggle up. But like his brother, he won’t actively initiate physical affection and in fact rarely ever will even in later stages of the relationship. In a relationship with Boss, he will automatically try to take care of his S/O and having them be affectionate in this way really immerses him in the role of the protector, making him feel wanted and important. Their response only further cements this mentality. He will take care of his S/O like no other, being firm but loving as he tries to tend to all their needs, wants and obligations. He’s the kind of boyfriend to memorise your schedules and try to make it easier for you in any way he can. It will come out pretty loud and angry but he’ll make you keep to any meds you have, food, sleep, etc.

SF!Sans

He is very flattered by the way they so openly show their affection for him. It gives him quite an ego boost, thinking that their affection for him is so strong that they can’t resist showing it so frequently. He pretends to be above their gentle affection but reciprocates in small but obvious ways to show that he really does appreciate it. When he finds out the reason, he drops the holier than thou act somewhat. He is very genuinely touched by their blatant trust in him and his abilities. Their response initiates a closer level of understanding and gentleness towards his S/O and is the beginning of Sans opening up and being more sincere with his S/O rather than focusing on his imagine in front of them. He gets very protective and defensive of his S/O, especially because now he thinks he is expected to be.

SF!Pap

He’s pretty jumpy from their casual affection at first because um??? the person he likes???? keeps?? showing??? him???? affection????? He shyly returns their affections when they do so, trying to work up the nerves to initiate the affection first as well. He honestly still can’t believe they’re actually dating, definitely doubting their feelings for him. Not because he thinks they’re lying, no. He just has a hard time believing it. That is why he asks. And their response completely blows him out of the water. On one hand, he has an even harder time digesting that and letting it sit. On the other hand, !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
He feels so wanted and trusted and loved and just slightly overwhelmed with how much he wants to return their affection. He promises them and himself then, that he won’t let them down. He’s willing to throw everything he’s got away to keep them safe and happy.

MT!Sans

He loves their quiet and affectionate nature. Thinks it’s really cute and a lovely peaceful change of pace from the rest of his lifestyle. In fact, it’s exactly the relationship he felt he had been looking for all this time. He’ll practically drown himself in his S/O’s affection, returning it full force and then some. He thinks that if someone can be so affectionate with him like this, he probably isn’t that bad a guy, right? When he finds out the reason for their affections, he gets pretty emotional. After all the things he’s done, everything that he still does, they still trust him this much? He’s always considered their safety when he goes on jobs. After this, it’s pretty much ensured because knowing they put so much faith in him, he absolutely can never ever no matter what let them down. He’d dust everyone in the area and then himself before he lets anyone come close to them. They’ll never come to harm, not someone so wonderful, not someone who makes him feel clean again. He gets even more careful with covering his tracks so as to not lead back to his S/O. He also gets twice as touchy, and tries to treat them extra cheesy romantically for awhile. Unfortunately, his energy runs out at some point and he reverts back to normal lazy romantic with occasional bursts of cheesy romance when he has the energy to.

MT!Pap

This actual literal cinnamon roll loves every ounce of affection he recieves from anyone, especially the person he loves. Start of the relationship or not, the intensity and blatantness of his affection never wavers. People tend to see him as scary and intimidating because of his job so he loves the fact that his S/O has no qualms about snuggling up to him. He goes completely starry eyed at their confession, physical affection increasing in frequency and intensity by 9999999. He already loves showing off in front of his S/O as a display of strength. The fact that they think of him so highly, to be able to protect them, really bolsters his self confidence in his capabilities. But it also gives him some pressure and anxiety. What if he’s not good enough? What if he can’t keep them safe all the time? What if something really happens? He ends up enlisting his entire gang to help keep his S/O safe. 

Making Water Color Brushes in Photoshop

So, I’m no stranger to water color techniques in photoshop, but I wanted to work on a new set of textures/brushes etc. The key to a water color effect in photoshop is the right paper texture and, find edges and the right blurring brush. 

Here’s my ideal goal

So, this is just a very basic very specific watercolory look. I’m actually going to take aspects of this particular image and try to use it as the starting point for this brush/process. So first I’m going to crop out the white space above the flowers, desaturate it, and define a new pattern. 

After making the first starting pattern, I’m going to make a new file and fill a layer with the entire texture just to see how that would look

Our starting point is really good! It’s almost seamless. Now I’m going to use the stamp tool and even out the texture. 

So i’ve evened the texture out and I’m going to define this pattern and repeat the previous step just to make sure that everything’s ok. Then i’m going to up the contrast. 

So now I have 2 options to play with

Using the darker texture I made, I place the paper texture at the very top and set it on color burn. I fill a layer below it for the color of the paper and then I make a layer on top of it for where I’ll be painting. If you want to do straight up white paper using the lighter one and setting the texture layer to multiply will work better

Now we’re going to make the brush shape! I open a new file and using only black I’m going to do a roundish brush with slight specks to make it a bit less contained as water color isn’t supposed to necessarily be a medium that is contained. 

I actually decided to use one of my last brushes I designed to design the brush shape for this brush. I’m going to keep this file open because I might end up changing this. I define the brush preset and start messing around with the settings

I surprised myself with how quickly I was able to figure this out! You see where the brush started, very uniform and boring. I first played with the spacing, then I turned on the transfer settings, and then I played with the scatter settings which really helped give more of a water colory feel. Then I turned on shape dynamics so that the size of the line will be changed based on the pressure I used. Then Finally within the shape dynamics I increased the minimum diameter a bit so that it wasn’t quite as severe. I made brushes of the last three strokes as they’re all going to be very helpful in the creation of a water color effect. 

Something else that really helps enhance the effect of the water color look is turning on your color dynamics. This will help your brush look a bit more realistic. The key to using this is foreground/background jitter.What you do is your put whatever color you want to use as your foreground color and whatever the paper color is as your background color. Depending on your pressure it will give an impression of paint being washed over the paper and the color of the paper showing through. This isn’t necessary but sometimes it helps with certain areas of a painting. For the next step just use a brush without color dynamics as the results are much better

Since I’m fairly happy with these brushes right now i"m just going to move to the final step which would be find edges. Finding edges really  sells this look. What you do is you duplicate your paint layer and you use the filter find edges on that duplicated layer and set it that layer to multiply. This will give the impression of paint drying and pigment collecting on the sides. 

Now you’re going to create another brush to be used to smudge the paint. You’re going to make a spotted brush

Turn on transfer, specking and shape dynamics. Play around with the settings a little bit. Using the smudge tool on the paint layer you can drag the paint for a bleeding feel

Alll that combined should give the desired look!

Left was the goal, right was what I did digitally. Keep in mind, when you’re water color painting you use different brushes. I used one brush for mine and it was a bit finer than I’m sure the artist used for this image. So yeah! 

But I hope this was helpful! I love making posts like this so if you like them let me know!! Also if you have any traditional media you’d like to see me make digital I’d looove to get a challenge!?