It’s the middle of the night and both Shepard and Garrus are fast asleep when they hear a crash downstairs, although it doesn’t shock or frighten either of them, no. Not since they adopted their first child - a krogan.
If only they had known earlier about the bonus feature that comes with young krogan and their sleeping routine.
“He’s sleep-raging, again. Go get him.” Shepard mutters, unwilling to move or even open her eyes.
“He’s your son, you go get him.” Garrus responds, just as unwilling.
“You’re the one that suggested having kids in the first place.”
“And you’re the one that wanted to adopt a krogan of all species.”
“Because I’ve had experience, so you should go.”
Garrus pops an eye open to look at her, “I should go?”
“Oh, screw you, Vakarian.” Shepard groans, turning onto her opposite side so she no longer faced him, only for Garrus to huddle closer to her, his arm reaching around for her hand as he feels out for her wedding ring.
“Now, now, you’re Vakarian too, remember? So, who’s getting–”
“Oh, my God, shut up.” Shepard wails, pushing his hand away.
Garrus gets even closer, a sleepy smirk tugging at his mandibles as he nuzzles his head right into her neck, his mouth at her ear, “You love my voice.”
“Oh, my God, just–!” Shepard throws the blanket off the bed as she gets up, leaving Garrus to either go cold or to get up out of bed himself to retrieve the blanket, making his smirk dissappear. “All is fair in love and war.“
“There is no war.” Garrus sighs as he reluctantly gets out of bed to collect the blanket.
“Well, you married a woman who was already married to her job.” Now Shepard is the one with the evil smirk as she stops to look back at him before disappearing from the room.
What's your favorite funny moment from the Mass Effect series? The bit that never fails to make you laugh or smirk or chortle?
honestly, just watching Cade in the entire Citadel DLC. the dry humour, half-smiles and pointed smirks are so in character for him that it’s such a joy to watch, even given the amount of times i’ve played it!
Miranda’s scene in the casino comes to mind first and foremost, mostly due to Cade’s background as a bit of a swindler/conman, so hanging out with the most rule-abiding ex-Cerberus officer in a den of absolute cheaters is hilarious to him. he and Miranda have a fantastic friendship, despite their car-crash of a fling in ME2, and it just makes me laugh to see them in that scene. “What’s the worst that can happen?”
props also go to Joker’s attempt to get comped drinks, “You are one hell of a pilot, and a terrible liar.” because Shepard just nails it, with the smirk as well – I need to gif that scene now, whoops – but honestly, it’s my favourite little gem on the Citadel, as well as Wrex’s bar scene. Cade is taking no prisoners, lemme tell you.
‘You know what? I’ve changed my mind, put in the requisition order’ Shepard smiled at Samantha, turned and walked away. Did she just skip?! Traynor was baffled, the Commander was acting very strangely these past couple of days. Perhaps the pressure of this war finally got to her, watching Palaven burn could not have been easy, the devastation on Earth would have been even worst, and she was light years away whilst their people were ravaged by the Reapers. But Shepard did just authorise the acquisition of a 6,000 credits toothbrush for her, which was decidedly strange.
Another thought crossed her mind Maybe she is drunk? Samantha was determined to get to the root of the insanity that suddenly gripped the Commander.
She settled on interrogate Joker. Traynor hardly knew Shepard’s combat team, the Turian and the Lieutenant, have been on board for only a short time, and Dr T’Soni was particularly intimidating. Joker on the other hand, was more approachable, at least she has worked with him or more likely against him for the past 5 months. Better the devil you know she thought.
As the cockpit doors slid open Traynor was greeted by an argument.
‘Jeff, this is not the best trajectory for this type of decent.’ EDI chimed.
‘I’ll be damned if an AI tells me how to do my job, I don’t stick my fingers into your warfare suit do I!’ he turned at dramatically to face Traynor. ‘See what I have to put up with?!’ he sighed theatrically.
Samantha shifted on the spot, ‘I could come back?’
‘Nah, you’re good. What can we do for you?’ Joker smiled. If EDI could scoff she would, this argument was not over.
‘Actually Joker, I wanted an opinion, Commander Shepard is, er, acting er, weird recently, I was wondering if you perhaps had any insight?’ she paused ‘She looks drunk to me…’ Samantha trailed off in vague embarrassment.
Joker cocked an eyebrow. ‘I would drink too, what’s with the Reapers making short work of dismantling the galaxy, and the council being asshats on principle. But I am guessing you are referring to her gliding about the CIC, grinning and singing songs about sunrises?’
‘I could have sworn I just saw her skip. I mean maybe we should involve Doctor Chakwas?’ Traynor was concerned, the change has been so sudden and sharp, the galaxy needed Shepard, they all needed her. And if something was wrong, it did not bear thinking.
Joker scoffed. ‘Yeah right, if Chakwas can finds a cure for what Shepard has I will dance the Roomba with a Reaper on the Citadel. There is no helping her any more. Maybe if we space Garrus…’
‘What does Officer Vakarian have to do with it?’ Traynor was mystified.
Joker stared at her. ‘For real? You haven’t noticed…’ he begun but EDI cut him off before he could finish.
‘Shepard is in love Specialist Traynor, the commander and Garrus are ‘together’’ EDI looked over at Joker for confirmation of her correct inflection. He nodded at her in reassurance. ‘And according to my data of their vital signs, their forced separation has done nothing to dampen their…’
‘EDI! What have I told you about being creepy!?’ Joker cut her off in dismay.
‘Jeff, I was merely stating facts. Their physical activity has increased significantly since Officer Vakarian joined us.’
‘Lalalala not listening EDI!’ Joker winced.
‘Oh wow’ Samantha was genuinely surprised by the revaluation ‘There has been rumours floating about the extranet for years that she was seeing a Turian, but they also claimed that she was dating Archangel, and I mean who in their right mind would believe that?!’
Joker’s lips twitched in a sly smile, he punched in something on the intercom.
‘Garrus?’ he called the Turian to Traynor’s dismay, the bastard. She certainly did not want the new crew member to find out that she’s been discussing him behind his back, even less so now that she knew about him and Shepard.
‘Joker, you want something or are you calling to distract me again?’ Garrus’ gravelly baritone rang with amusement. Clearly it was a welcome distraction.
‘Yes yes, calibrations, I know, very important. I am fact checking Garrus.’ Joker replied.
‘For what? Are you writing a Normandy fan fiction again? Because if so, I’ve told you last time, DO NOT involve me in threesomes with hanar. It’s disturbing…’
Joker choked. ‘I looked it up once… not the point! I am trying to prove something to Specialist Traynor here.’
Samantha did not appreciate being dropped in the conversation ‘Hello Officer Vakarian’ she waved lamely, and then shrunk with embarrassment, of course he could’t see her he was using the com.
Garrus laughed. ‘Hi Traynor, don’t let Joker drag you into anything, unnatural or otherwise. What are you arguing with him about?’
Traynor’s cheeks coloured, thank god he could not see her.
Mercifully Joker got there before her. ‘Not arguing, discussing. I am trying to prove a point that the extra net is a valuable resource, and not just a gathering of paranoid lunatics’.
‘All right, I’ll bite. What you need checking?’
‘Do enlighten Specialist Traynor where you were 2 years ago’ Joker smirked.
‘Omega, hunting mercs, you know that. Where is this going?’ Garrus was puzzled.
‘Do the thing…’
‘You know your vigilante thing!’ Joker insisted.
‘The Archangel thing? Joker, seriously?’ the voice came incredulous.
‘God you are boring, what she sees in you is a mystery, I liked you better when you were trying to kill everything in sight.’ Joker sighed.
Traynors eyes widened, holy shit, he… nocan’t be, Archangel was dead!
‘What she sees in me?!’ Garrus was
idignant ‘I’m Garrus Vakarian. Codename: Archangel. All-around turian bad boy and dispenser of justice in an unjust galaxy. That’s what she damn sees in me!’
Joker snorted ‘Told you I could get him to do it’
‘You’re a cold son of a bitch Joker. I am an expert sniper, remember that next time we are on shore leave’ Garrus chortled.
Samantha couldn’t take it any more.
‘But he is dead! Archangel is dead. The Eclipse mercs took him down!’
Garrus chuckled ‘Rumours of my death have been greatly exaggerated. I almost died, Shepard pulled me out just in time, and it wasn’t Eclipse either, it was the Blue Suns’