and she falls asleep looking for a way to snag the bastard

Happiest Place On Earth

Hello everybody!! This one shot was written for Lau’s Alternate Universe Funny Quote Challenge! Congrats on reaching 2000 followers @dancingalone21! Make sure you’re following her people… seriously, if you’re not I don’t know what you’re doing with yourself, she’s amazing!!

My Quote was: “And you know what? After we kill it, we can go to Disneyland!” -Sam

AU!Sam x reader: Sam’s a teacher, you’re a dentist, you live a normal Apple pie life!

Word Count: about 1400

Warnings: Shirtless Sam, cheesy fluff, rodent death

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This may or may not be (but definitely is) vaguely based on true events with my husband… enjoy!!

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There he was. Your insanely gorgeous, incredibly intelligent, dumbass husband. Crouched like an idiot in nothing but his boxers at the end of the bed, gun in hand. Granted, it only shot BB pellets, but still he looked like a madman, knees bent up under him ready to pounce from his squatting position, like a freaking cat. It reminded you vaguely of when the two of you went bird hunting. His hazel eyes were wide, methodically searching the room.

Oh my god, your room! You’d just returned from a week-long dental convention and had promptly reunited with your husband, Sam, between the sheets before falling asleep naked in his arms. But the scene that greeted you now was not the same as when you first walked in the door. You’d come home to a spotless house- being a high school English teacher, Sam had the summer’s off and always kept a tidy home. But now…It looked like a tornado had ripped your bedroom apart! The drawers of your dresser we’re all pulled out, strung haphazardly across the floor. Your shoes, usually neatly lined inside the closet, had also been flung across the room.

“Honey, WHAT are you doing??” you asked the naked man perched by your feet, propping yourself up against the pillows. His head whipped towards you, his long brown locks flipping him in the face, gun pointed towards the ceiling.

“There’s a mouse,” he deadpanned, turning away from you to continue his search.

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Captain Canary Fanfiction: Left Behind [In which Sara and Leonard are the ones stranded in 1950s]

The last thing they expected was for the Waverider to take off without them, but that’s exactly what happened. They could only watch in disbelief as it disappeared from view, and they were stranded in a small suburban town in 1958. It wasn’t that difficult to surmise that Chronos had hijacked their vessel, and as the minutes passed and it didn’t return, it became more apparent that their teammates were mostly likely dead.

They knew what they had to do- they had to keep moving so that Vandal Savage couldn’t track them. It was a wordless agreement to stick together, at least for the time being. It made sense to utilize the strength in unity, specially in a time and place where they had nobody else.

Jacking a car was easy. The hard part was deciding who would do it. They had to settle it the mature way, with rock-papers-scissors, and they had a feeling that a lot of future decisions would be taken the same way.

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Based on this edit by the fabulous phenioxgirl

[AO3]

It ended in a battle, but it didn’t start out that way.

*

“Hey, Felic-”

“Shh!” Felicity spun to face Oliver, a finger pressed to her lips in warning while her other hand, the one holding her phone, shot out to stop him moving closer.

Oliver’s brows drew down in the middle, his expression questioning, but he stopped where he stood. “What are you doing?” he asked, his voice lowered just like she’d asked.

Felicity shifted to show Roy behind her, fast asleep. He was snoring gently, his cheek resting in his palm the only thing keeping his head propped up. Oliver grinned at the way Roy’s glasses were askew, pushed halfway up his face. As he watched, Felicity stealthily resumed her position, hunched over behind Roy’s shoulder with her phone extended.

“He’s gonna kill you for that.” Oliver whispered once Felicity snapped the photo and stashed her phone back in the pocket of her jeans.

She tiptoed toward Oliver, careful not to wake Roy as she crossed the room. A slow smile curled her lips, “He makes too cute a picture to pass up. It’ll be fine.”

Famous. Last. Words.

*

“Roy Harper, I swear on my new tablet, if you do not delete that picture you will regret it.”

Roy snickered, pressing save to store the picture away in his phone’s gallery. “No chance, Blondie. Now we’re even.”

“Oh, come on!” she protested, crossing her arms over her chest defensively and wishing she was wearing more than her bikini top. “That pic of you sleeping is adorable! How am I supposed to resist that kind of temptation? At least I didn’t post it!”

“And now I have insurance.” Roy smirked cockily, holding his phone between his thumb and middle finger, brandishing it in Felicity’s direction.

“You didn’t need insurance. I wasn’t going to post the picture in the first place.” Felicity pouted.

“Sucks to be you.” Roy chuckled which elicited a frustrated growl from Felicity’s throat.

“What did you do now?” Oliver questioned as he strode back onto the deck carrying a tray of drinks, Thea on his heels.

Instead of explaining Roy simply pulled up the picture and showed the screen to Oliver and Thea. Oliver blinked a few times in rapid succession while Thea covered her laugh with a cough.

“My picture of you is cute.” Felicity whined, slinking down in her chaise lounge, her cheeks tinged pink with more than just the sun. “That picture is nothing but embarrassing!”

“What were you even doing?” Thea tried to ask without giggling but wasn’t very successful.

“There was a bee!” Felicity shuddered at the memory of the pointy-assed little bastard trying to land on her chest. “I was just trying to get it to leave me alone!”

“Its not that bad.” Oliver tried to reassure her as he sat down beside her, wrapping an arm around her waist to pull her close. “And Roy’s not going to show anyone else. Right, Roy?” Oliver put a little push into that last part.

“Absolutely.” Roy nodded, his face a mask of serious agreement.

*

Roy was a dirty rotten liar.

Felicity didn’t even know it until Sara texted her two days later wanting to know why she didn’t have any pictures of Felicity in a bikini but Roy somehow did.

“Oh my God, you little shit.” Felicity gasped out when she checked her Instagram notifications only to see that Roy had tagged her in the picture he’d taken of the bee incident.

Muttering a colorful string of profanities, Felicity declared war by retaliation.

*

Quite pleased with herself and looking forward to the inevitable fallout, Felicity settled into her desk to wait. She was just beginning an internal debate on whether or not she should text Roy to gloat over her double strike (That photo of Roy from the park, taken at the exact moment he realized he was standing in dog crap, made perfect ammunition) when her own phone buzzed with a message.

From Roy:
You want a war? You’ve got one.

Felicity cackled to herself and hunkered down to wait for the text after Roy realized she’d already taken care of that easily foreseeable response and hacked his phone to delete every single picture in his gallery.

*

Digg and Oliver were finishing up a training session and Felicity was starving.

“I’m gonna go grab lunch. Any preference?” she asked as she shrugged into her jacket.

Oliver draped a towel around his neck, crossing the room to grab up his phone from beside Felicity’s keyboard. “I have to pick up Thea in half an hour. Do you want to wait and come with me? We can grab something after.”

Felicity heaved a put upon sigh. “I suppose.”

Digg snorted as he swiped a towel down his face. “There’s a granola bar in my bag if you want it.” he offered.

“See? At least John loves me.” Felicity stuck her tongue out at Oliver. “Now go shower.” she wrinkled her nose, moving to go around him to fish out the crunchy deliciousness that awaited her.

“I thought you liked me all sweaty.” Oliver grinned, reaching out to snag her around the waist. He pulled her into his chest and she shoved at him with a squeak, her hands slipping against his slick skin.

“Oliver!” she laughed, struggling to free herself despite the serious hindrance his sweaty chest posed to that effort. Suddenly there was a shutter sound and Felicity froze, eyes widening a fraction. “You didn’t!”

“I don’t know what you’re implying Miss Smoak.” Oliver tried to school his features into something resembling innocence but the quirk to his lips gave him away.

“You’re on his side?” Felicity pouted, her bottom lip jutting out exaggeratedly. “I thought you loved me, Oliver.”

A rumble of laughter fell from Oliver’s lips as he snapped another picture. Felicity whined, her head falling forward in defeat. “I do love you. That’s why I’m the one taking the pictures. If I let Roy do it who knows what moment he’d capture. Trust me, Felicity. I’m doing you a favor.”

Felicity felt an idea blossom in her brain and she had to fight to suppress the urge to giggle. “Oh, I understand.” she nodded seriously. “You’re just looking out for me.”

*

“Well, I guess I should have seen that coming.” Oliver sighed, handing his phone to Roy who immediately burst into hysterical laughter.

“Holy shit.” he wheezed, laughing that much harder when Oliver snatched his phone back. “She’s a genius and a master of war. I forfeit.”

“You couldn’t have realized that before she posted my baby pictures on the internet?” Oliver gritted out, falling back against the sofa and scrubbing a hand over his mouth.

“Hell no, man.” Roy chuckled, a hand flat over his aching abs. “This whole thing was totally worth it, just for that.”

“Why do I let you suck me into shit like this?” Oliver asked wearily and not for the first time.

“Because you secretly love me.” Roy deadpanned.

Oliver shoved him sideways, rolling his eyes. “Yeah. That’s gotta be it.”