there’s a tear in my heart (but somehow you mended it)
(pic creds to @lqday6!!! this is an angst/fluff scenario so I hope you like it,,, please check out my masterlist and send in suggestions in my ask box for improvements I can make in my writing and and ideas for scenarios!!!)
Jealousy is one hell of a drug. You always told yourself you wouldn’t be jealous, Sungjin was famous and you couldn’t afford to be jealous of the thousands of other people who were as in love with him as you were. You couldn’t be jealous and you wouldn’t be jealous, you always told yourself that. So why now were you sitting at home, alone, wondering how on earth you managed to get into this situation.
Sungjin was out, as he usually was in the evening. If he wasn’t at the studio then he was out for a company dinner or meeting with fans. He was always busy and you guessed that was where it started. It started with him being out once, maybe twice, a week. He’d still make it up to you and spend the other days with you, you had no reason to be jealous or upset then. Sungjin used to always make time for you, that’s why your relationship used to work and that’s why you didn’t have a grey cloud hanging over your vision each time you thought of him out with someone else. Someone that wasn’t you.
You knew it was your fault. There was really no need to become so jealous and nervous and just plain upset. Sungjin was famous, he was known around the country and every corner you turned there could be a fan waiting for his autograph. But that wasn’t your problem, your problem was that he didn’t seem to notice. It felt selfish to think, but you missed the attention he would give you. You needed some sort of attention and reassurance that he was still yours and you were still his, the occasional hug and kiss on the cheek each morning always left you longing for him to rush back inside, cancel his plans for the day and just spend it with you. Your jealousy purely stemmed from loneliness, and it wasn’t your fault. It was never your fault and it was never his fault, it just happened to be that there was never enough hours in the day for Sungjin to fit you in.
That was the problem. He didn’t fit you into his day, he didn’t cancel a meeting to spend the evening with you and he sure enough spent more time with his manager each week than he had spent with you in the past month. That was your problem.
“Y/n-ah, I won’t be home for dinner tonight. Me and Younghyun have a meeting about next months promotions. I’m sorry, I’ll make it up to you.” You pressed delete as soon as the voicemail ended, not even bothering to check the time he sent it. He always left it until the last minute to cancel plans with you, almost in an afterthought as if you were the last thing on his mind. Which you were starting to believe you were.
You finished up the pasta dish you were cooking, and served yourself a portion. You put the rest into a container and placed it in the fridge, a note on the top telling Sungjin to eat it when he came home. If you got a thank you for it then you would be amazed, he didn’t seem to even acknowledge your efforts anymore and you were starting to wonder if he was really worth it.
“Sungjin, why do you make me like this?” You sighed, twirling some pasta around your fork before letting it fall back into your bowl. Your appetite had been spoiled once again.
Throwing the untouched meal away, you left the bowl by the sink, not in the mood to wash up right at that moment. In the past Sungjin would’ve helped to clear up after dinner, but now it was left to you and you really didn’t have the energy. Maybe he’d come home and do it. But probably not.
You picked up your phone, calling the number of a close friend and fellow jyp trainee who you had met through Sungjin. You had been with Sungjin since his trainee days and you were starting to wonder if he should’ve left you behind after his debut, maybe he’d feel much happier without the extra baggage. Chan picked up the phone after only two rings.
“Y/n? You haven’t called in a while.” His chirpy voice sounded down the phone and you started to well up, the sound of a familiar voice was almost foreign to you. It was comforting to talk to someone for once.
“Yeah, I’m sorry about that,” you strained to keep the tears at bay and to keep your voice unwavering, “I just needed to talk to someone and you were always so good at giving advice.”
“I do give good advice.”
“What do I do, Chan? How can I-“ you took a deep breathe and shook your head with your eyes squeezed shut, “how can I keep going like this? I don’t know how long it’s been since I even saw Sungjin properly, he hardly comes home and when he does he hardly acknowledges I’m here. I’m jealous, I’m so jealous of every single person who gets to see him every day. I’m jealous of every fan he tells he loves because I haven’t heard that phrase in months. And I hate it. I hate being jealous and I hate missing him so much that I can’t deal with it anymore. I love him so much but I can’t be with someone when I doubt that they love me back.”
“Woah, y/n, are you really saying what I think you are?” Chan asked, you nodded to yourself.
“Yeah, I am,” pulling off the promise ring he’d given you years ago when you first moved in together, a promise that one day he’d give you a real ring, “I don’t know what to do or where I’m going to go but I really can’t stay here.”
“Right, ok. Well you should come here for a while, we have some spare rooms and you can stay as long as you like until you decide what to do.”
“I’ll be there in about an hour.” You hung up on Chan, you knew there would be questions but you really didn’t want to answer them right then. You left the ring on the side in the kitchen with a small note. All that you wrote on the note was ‘your food is in the fridge’ because the ring was an explanation enough. You really didn’t have the heart to write him a long and emotional letter. He probably wouldn’t read it.
You took as many clothes and possessions as you could, throwing them all into a bag whilst the tears streamed down your face. Your phone chimed with a text from Chan, he promised to pick you up and that he would only be a few minutes so you waited for him outside, rushing into his car and out of the cold.
“You’re really stupid, you know?” He commented, breaking the silence in the car.
“I know,” you didn’t care, “I just can’t stay there anymore, Chan. I tried so hard but I can’t do it anymore, not unless he changes which I doubt will happen. His job is far too important.”
“I understand.” He leant a hand on your knee and squeezed it reassuringly. You felt like you were going to cry again.
“It doesn’t mean you’re not stupid though.” He giggled, looking over at you with a toothy smile that had one spreading across your lips almost instantly. It felt good to be happy again, it felt good to smile. Of course Sungjin made you happy, he hadn’t done anything wrong. You were just lonely and jealous and it was getting so toxic that you were starting to feel sick just thinking about the way you were living. You deserved to be happy and Sungjin could only give you so much happiness when he was never around.
Hours later you’d almost forgotten about Sungjin, his face still lingered in the back of your mind but Chan and the others were doing a good job of occupying you. You sat in their living room with empty takeaway boxes scattered around the floor, a movie was playing quietly in the back group but no one was watching it, all too emerged in their own conversations. Your phone lit up beside you, a text from Sungjin.
“Can you read it for me?” You asked Chan, not really wanting to look at your phone in fear of crying purely because of the picture of you and Sungjin on your lock screen, smiling happily together.
“Y/n? Where are you, please let me come and bring you home, we need to talk about this properly. Don’t end something so great this quickly.” He handed you back your phone, the whole room quieting down. You wanted to reply, Sungjin would know that you had read the message, but you really didn’t know what to say.
“Y/n,” Jeongin pulled you out of your thoughts and tapped on your shoulder, the young boy pointed down at your phone, “he’s calling you.”
“Answer it.” Chan said, pointing out to the empty corridor. You pressed the accept button and rushed out alone, mumbling a quiet hello into the receiver.
“Thank goodness you answered,” Sungjin sounded breathless and you almost cried at the sound of his voice again, you just wanted to hear him in real life rather than over the phone, “where are you? Let me come and get you, you can’t leave like this! You can’t just throw away everything we have!”
“And what do we have, Sungjin?” You retorted angrily, there was still a red band around your finger where your promise ring sat and you unconsciously rubbed the skin there.
“What do you mean? Y/n, we’ve been together for years! Does that not count for anything?”
“Of course it counts, it all counts and it’s all amazing and, for fucks sake Sungjin don’t you understand? I can’t deal with this anymore, I can’t deal with the jealousy and the insecurity that comes with this relationship. Do you know how it feels to be neglected? Do you know how it feels to plan a short date in an evening after not even speaking to your boyfriend for weeks for it to just get cancelled five minutes before? I can’t live like this, I don’t want to live like this. I want to be loved and to be happy, I want what we used to have but that will never happen. You’re busy, I get that I really do, but I’m human too and I just can’t deal with this level of jealousy anymore.” You were crying now, you said you wouldn’t but you couldn’t help yourself.
“We can work that out! I promise we can, I’ll cancel plans and clear my schedule. I’ll do that for you, you know I will,” his voice wavered and you couldn’t tell if he was crying or not, you really hoped he wasn’t, “I’ll make time for you, as much time as you need. I love you y/n, I love you so much and I don’t want to end this because of something that I can fix.”
“You love me?”
“Of course I do! I’ve always loved you.” His voice raised a little and you didn’t know if he was angry or just frustrated. You hoped it was neither.
“I just, you haven’t said that in a while and I was starting to doubt myself. People can fall out of love. And you’ve been spending so much time with your manager that I was starting to think you were sick of me, I mean, you’re young and you should be having fun. I don’t want to be the lonely partner waiting at home for you.” You replied, your hand was fiddling with the bottom of your jumper and pulling at the loose threads. A nervous habit you needed to break.
“Shit, fuck y/n. Of course I love you and I’m a terrible boyfriend for making you doubt it. Whatever you think about me and my manager is completely wrong, we’re just sorting out plans for next year and planning concerts takes a lot of time. I promise you, that is purely a professional relationship. You have no need to be jealous, I’ve never loved anyone as much as you. Just, just please let me pick you up. Come home and we can talk about it.” Your heart broke a little, as much as you wanted to hate him you still loved him more than anything. You hated yourself more for being jealous and creating the problem in the first place.
“Can you pick me up?” You mumbled into the phone, your voice growing quiet and weak. You hated yourself for giving in so easily but you just needed to feel his arms around you again.
“Of course, where are you?”
“I’m at Chan’s dorm,” you cut him off before he could speak again, “it’s going to be different this time, right?”
“I’m not loosing you again y/n, I can’t loose you and I promise to treat you right. You’re the love of my life,” he took a small strangled gasp and you really hoped he wasn’t crying again, “I love you so much, I really honestly do and I can’t wait until this promise ring can turn into a real wedding ring.”
“Come quickly. Oh, and Sungjin,” he hummed into the phone, “I still love you.”
“Really?” You could hear him starting the car and you needed to end the call so that he could drive safely.
“Definitely. Drive safe.” You hung up the phone and held it close to your chest, a dumb smile spreading across your face at the thought of getting your boyfriend back.
You ran back into the living room, a smile adorning your face for the first time in weeks as you informed the boys that you would be going back home. Chan have you a quick hug and helped you get ready to leave again, leaving the dorm to wait at the front door. Sungjin’s car soon came into view and, when he stepped out, you rushed towards him and wrapped your arms around his neck.
“I missed this,” he mumbled into your neck, his nose buried into your hair and his arms tightly wrapped around your waist, “I’m never letting you go again.”
“I won’t let you,” you kissed his cheek, “I’m sorry for being so jealous. I should’ve told you how I was feeling instead of just leaving.”
“Don’t be sorry, I’m sorry for not realising and I promise it will all change. I’ve booked all of tomorrow off, it’s going to be our day and,” he pulled the promise ring out of his pocket, “I’ll get you a real engagement ring as soon as I can.”
“I love you,” you kissed his nose and then his cheek before you finally gave his lips a small peck, “I really do love you.”
“I love you too, fiancé.” Sungjin held you closer, slipping the ring back onto your finger before kissing over the top of the silver band.
“I don’t remember you asking me to marry you?” You giggled, looking down at your old and battered ring, now seeming to hold so much more meaning to you.
“Well, will you?” He cocked one eyebrow, a smile spreading from cheek to cheek.