and now i'm crying again

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TOP 20 ONE TREE HILL SHIPS (as voted by my followers)
► 16. Lucas Scott and Keith Scott
When I found out I was pregnant, Dan already had a basketball scholarship and nothing was going to get in the way of that. But then something strange happened. Right before classes started, Dan changed his mind. He said he’d finish the semester and… we’d get married. So when I went into labor and you appeared, the nurse asked for your name and I said it was Scott. Keith was there, and when the nurse brought you in she let him hold you. I’ve known Keith my whole life, and that’s the only time I’ve seen him cry. Your father never showed up.”

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30 DAY ROSWELL CHALLENGE→ Day 12. A scene that made you emotional

I really need your help. I know something’s wrong. I know what they’re saying about you isn’t true. But I don’t know where to go from here. I really wish you could give me some advice, point me in a direction.

This morning while eating breakfast my husband and I were talking about our almost 15 year old dog being put down tomorrow morning. I began to cry like a baby and q, my husband, got on his knees and just hugged my waist and cried with me. Our dog ziva was also eating breakfast at the time and she just kind of stopped, she looked at us and then just sat on his side and licked his hand. It just made to cry even more because the thought that neither of our dogs will ever live with us our whole life’s kills me. It’s just not fair.

So, I told my mom how I felt. When I was speaking in the posts before about her being inconsiderate my mom had actually written me a letter I just read (similar to how I first wrote her a letter to explain my feelings a few weeks ago) but in her letter she still said harsh things that made me feel guilty. As I was finishing up my reply to her letter she came in my room and we just discussed how we felt. I explained to her that I didn’t like her and that I didn’t agree with her and respect her actions and opinions all the time - which is something I’ve been holding on my chest for a long time. I also told her that I thought she was bitter and inconsiderate to myself and others. She understood it and took it…okay. I mean she started crying, but she seemed to have understood and didn’t get upset or yell at me, she just looked hurt, which is understandable. 

The thing is she shared more things to me about her past (she grew up in a very abusive home) and explained how when she was a kid she had to mainly think about herself and not others or others feelings. So I understand why it’s hard for her to have empathy and be considerate so it’s like….I can’t really blame her for being inconsiderate and bitter sometimes because I know it’s not entirely her fault, but that doesn’t mean she can’t try to work on those things and work on being kinder. So, we talked a lot and I do feel like I understand the psychological side of why she acts like she does better, but we’re still not on solid grounds. We have a mutual understanding though.

Although now….my mom is telling me since she knows I don’t like her she doesn’t want to be around me anymore if she doesn’t have to, and she’s saying she doesn’t want to drive me places anymore. She actually looked at me and said “You’re 18 years old. You should be learning how to drive and drive yourself places. You need to start acting like an adult and start taking on more adult things.”  <— this scared me a lot, it actually made my heart stop and my anxiety start. And then she said something about how she wants her life back and that taking me places takes up time in her schedule to do stuff for herself, which I can kind of understand, but that still comes off very selfish. I don’t necessarily think it’s right to force someone with anxiety about driving to suddenly start driving either, but I understand that it’s something I need to do and if she won’t take me places it’s something I’ll have to do if I want to continue to go to lessons, counseling or to see friends. (I still have my brother and my dad to drive in the mean time while I try to get my licence, so I should be okay). But… I feel kind of anxious and scared now because I feel like I have to grow up like right now and start being more of an adult and it’s scary. I understand and respect though that my mom doesn’t want to be around me. But driving really scares me so just the thought of suddenly going to have to drive now makes me shake.

I’m going to try to work with my counselor to get help with this and I’m going to do what I can do and do my part and try to learn how to not dislike my mother so much, but I won’t be expecting her to change and I’m not gonna be sad if I can’t be on good terms with her. I don’t need her to be my friend or anything, I just want to try to get on better grounds if I can and because I believe as a Christian I need to forgive her and love her the way God does. That’s why I need help, because I dislike her so much and sometimes I think she’s a horrible person and I don’t think it’s good because sometimes I even hate her and she makes me frustrated and in my heart I feel something telling me it’s not right and I shouldn’t be hating her. So, that’s why I want to try to fix it, because I don’t want to hate someone. I don’t want to be her friend, I just don’t want to hate her either.

I’m okay now though, I’m just a little scared about the driving thing and I feel like I wanna cry….I’m actually telling myself to hold it back, my eyes sting and I wanna cry but..I’m going to wait until I lay down in bed to cry if I can. But I’m okay. I’m glad I spoke my feelings. She didn’t even hear all my feelings and she started to cry and stuff, so…I held back just a little bit, because I didn’t want to overwhelm her too much, but I did explain that I don’t like her as a person right now, but I still respect her as a parent (the same way you can respect a king’s title but not respect his actions). And I explained some of the things she does that makes me dislike her so much (she started crying when I did this so I didn’t get to finish and fully explain why the things she does hurt me, but I think she understood at least what I did say). 

Anyway, thank you for everyone’s support! I’m going to reply to your comments and messages! Thank you guys for being here. Every comment and message feels like a warm pat on my back to continue being strong and standing up for myself and you don’t know how important it is to me and how much it helps me feel like my feelings are important and deserve to be heard. So, thank you.

DO YOU EVER JUST GET HUGE WAVES OF ABSOLUTE SADNESS

LIKE HERE I AM 2:30AM SILENTLY READING A FIC WHEN I REACH OVER FOR MY GLASS OF TEA 

AND NOW I’M ACTUALLY ABOUT TO CRY BECAUSE WHEN I WAS LIKE 12 YEARS OLD THIS GIRL TOLD ME YOU CAN’T GET SWEET TEA FROM MCDONALDS UP NORTH

IS THIS TRUE WHY WOULD ANYONE ALLOW THIS WHERE IS THE LOVE

If I stop and think about it for a moment, if I think about all the struggles that he had to overcome, all the people who were so quick to judge him and want him out, if I actually just think about how freaking far Aaron has come, I'm pretty sure his is one of the best and most inspirational football stories ever. I'm so proud to love him so much and to have never given up on him. KEEP THE FAITH. ♥

In wanting to die, I’ve realized very small things trigger me. They push me closer to the edge more than they would if I wasn’t where I am mentally. And that’s dangerous bc I don’t want to blow up and want to die every time something goes wrong or gets me upset. I don’t want to but I’m really tired. So it’s hard. And it makes it even harder to be around or talk to other people bc it’s just all too much.

The day I got in trouble at work it was the day after my birthday and we were in the car on our way to go get me a birthday cake and I didn’t even know where we were going and at first you were being pretty mean and I was already crying and then you pulled me close and you wiped my tears and pushed my hair back and said “I’m sorry. You know how I feel about crying. I’m not sensitive and I just tell you what I think without worrying about your feelings and I’ve just never expressed my love like this before for anyone but I really care about you and I’m here for you. You’ve done everything by yourself but you have me. You finally got away from your mom and your dad is in Washington and you don’t see your brothers and sisters everyday anymore so you don’t have your family here to show you. But I care about you a lot and I know I get mad all the time and I say stupid shit but I love you. I really do love you. And you don’t need any other family because we are a family now.”

And I will never forget that.
“We are a family now”

I will NEVER ever forget that.
I think that might have been the most beautiful thing you have ever said to me and I needed it so bad and it made my heart pound and my head spin and you were watching the road with your arm around me and I just stuck my face in the side of your body and smiled and cried.

I’ll never forget that…

So I got everything taken care of with my library fine and such at USF, and got a copy of my transcript for Thursday. Apparently all the money stuff with USF was a lot more stressful than I thought because I was so relieved when I got in the car I was doing that happy ugly-cry, and then laughing at how stupid crying was because I was happy and then crying more because I was happy and just, guys, like even if I don’t get the job Thursday I can get my aa because there’s no hold on my account anymore. If I get my associates then I can get back to school easily when I can afford to. Like, I’m going to be able to graduate college, and I’m just so unbelievably happy.