Caturday stream of consciousness. Almost all I have is selfies right now, because I’m really pushing hard to accept my physical self.
I envy those of you who are always perfectly made up and put together. I am a hot mess most of the time. I fall asleep in my makeup (when I wear it) more often than not. I hate my body or make peace with it depending on my current mood. Being ill isn’t helping. I have always verged on being intentionally undone, probably as a subconscious way of testing whether Nick would leave me if I weren’t attractive. He just kept on thinking I was, regardless of lack of makeup or dressing up. Neither aging nor weight gain could prevent him from loving me and finding me desirable. I don’t know what to do with that.
Also, I have apparently become one of those middle aged women that refuses to dress appropriately for my age and weight.
Unrelated (?), I saw a kid get baptized on a friend’s Instagram today. I immediately got palpitations and felt nauseated. Despite all reason, I still sometimes crave the safety of my lost faith. But I am constantly triggered by Christianity. It physically makes me ill. I don’t know how I could go back, even to a mainstream church.
Thank you, friends, for putting up with my idiosyncrasies. You guys mean a lot to me.