and not hal y'know

Pen Pal-entine’s Day: In which you handwrite a letter (with, like, an old-fashioned quill pen) to a dear friend from afar.

Chicken Caesar Sal-entine’s Day: In which you prepare a traditional Caesar salad from scratch, top it with hormone-free grilled chicken breast and then eat it.

Jimmy Fal-entine’s Day: In which you go on a YouTube spiral of Jimmy Fallon’s best late-night interviews and musical guest performances through the years. (BTW, here is a clip of Fallon playing champagne pong with Mariah Carey in 2013.)

Cal-entine’s Day: In which you celebrate the life and times of legendary baseball player Cal Ripken, Jr.

Work-Life Bal-entine’s Day: In which you’re just like, “BRB, grabbing a latte” to your boss before disappearing for two hours to treat yourself to a relaxing spa package from Massage Envy.

Weird Al-entine’s Day: In which you revisit “Weird Al” Yankovic’s entire canon of pop song parodies, from 1984’s “Eat It” to 1996’s “Amish Paradise” — and beyond.

Femme Fatale-entine’s Day: In which you spend the afternoon reading this book about female serial killers while simultaneously listening to the 2011 Britney Spears album Femme Fatale in the background.

Chorale-entine’s Day: In which you and a small group of friends sing a four-part a cappella arrangement of Handel’s “Messiah.”

Casino Royale-entine’s Day: In which you wear a suit and pretend that you’re James Bond in the 2006 film Casino Royale starring British heartthrob Daniel Craig.

Hidden Tal-entine’s Day: In which you set your spirit free and perform a secret talent for coworkers and/or casual acquaintances.

Gore Vidal-entine’s Day: In which you read a Gore Vidal book and also post your fave bitchy Gore Vidal quotes to social media.

Panama Canal-entine’s Day: In which you read the Panama Canal Wikipedia entry. (It’s actually kinda mesmerizing, TBH.)

Birth Canal-entine’s Day: In which you watch an educational documentary ‘bout the miracle of childbirth.

Root Canal-entine’s Day: In which you pop into a random dentist’s office unannounced and ask the receptionist detailed questions about how root canals work. Do they use a drill? Do they use a scalpel? You must know.

“I Think I Shall”-entine’s Day: In which you do something that you just feel like doing, y'know?

Shallow Hal-entine’s Day: In which you revisit the 2001 romantic comedy Shallow Hal featuring pre-GOOP Gwyneth Paltrow in a fat suit and funnyman Jack Black not in a fat suit.

Ital-entine’s Day: A dual celebration in which you a) honor Italian culture by eating a cannoli, and b) write all your work emails exclusively in italics.

Dal-entine’s Day: In which you travel to Dallas for a work convention.

Debbie Does Dal-entine’s Day: Similar to the above, but with a twist! (The twist is that you blow everybody at the convention.)

Golden Corral-entine’s Day: In which you dine at the American chain restaurant/buffet Golden Corral.

And of course, who could forget Office Morale-entine’s Day, Amy Pascal-entine’s Day, Pep Rall-entine’s Day, L'Oréal-entine’s Day and Cobb Sal-entine’s Day.