and nobody will ever know how fucked up I really am


I was in a really good mood earlier today because I got a few comments/followers on Wattpad. (Fyi writing is my dream and I tell everyone this)
And so I was telling my friends about this and all of them were like,
“Celia it’s ONE follower.”
“It doesn’t mean anything.”
“Celia don’t get your hopes up.”
“Big deal.”

They KNOW how much this means to me and yet they shoot me down.
This always happens. My accomplishments are always trampled on like they’re no big deal like nobody ever wants me to be happy. Then they put someone else on a pedestal for something they did.
I guess I’m just not as important.
Why am I still alive again?

I legitimately am sad now. It’s bad enough that I’m fuck deep into Homestuck now, without being reminded daily how stupid I am for it. Because the story is pointless and the fandom is nuts and it just has an all around bad rep. My best friend and boyfriend say they don’t care to listen to me rant and rave and shit, but I know they hate it. They think I’m a stupid, impressionable child and nobody ever can convince me otherwise.

God. That post really did fuck me up. Hopefully, I can achieve sleep again after this.

It amazes me that I have been there for all your darkest moments. I have held you up when you were down. I have been dragged through your hell and you just have left like I was nothing. I can’t even count all the horrible selfish things you’ve put me through yet you can just easily trash me as if I am or have never been nothing? It shows me how you really have felt. I don’t get why every fucking person does this shit to me. It’s the same God damn thing. I am always saving some asshole and guess what nobody is ever there to save me! Another person that takes what they can from me and then runs. I almost feel as if I am incapable to be loved or maybe I just love the wrong fucking people.. I don’t know. I give the fuck up my heart is in God damn pieces once again until the next asshole comes and repeats the fucking cycle.