and my sharp cheekbones

3

Irene: “Look, at us both” and “by saying that I suddenly became you, John. For all this time with my audacity, love for danger, sharp wit, high cheekbones, Victorian beauty, riding crop and leather gloves, I was Sherlock. Remember John, I know what people like. And now at this moment, I turned into you. I know what you like. I know how much you like it and it defies all the things you identified with so far. I know that feeling. Look at us both”.

“And later I will be you and Sherlock, John. I will be the embodiment of what you have wanted all along. I will rid myself of my Sherlock side, from my sleek self and get into a soft, comfortable sweater and sneak into Sherlock’s bed. You like sweaters, right? At that very moment, I will be both of you. Because remember John, I know what you both like.”

2

Left: pre-T
Right: 20 weeks on T

What did I notice in those 20 weeks:

Hair. Everywhere! On my legs, arms and torso. As well on my face. Mostly peach fuzz, but on each side of my moustache I have little dark hairs. I’m hungry all the time, and I’m starting to notice mustle growth and a change of fat in my body. I have less fat on my hips and sides, it kinda moved to the front. I’m a bit broader in my shoulders, without working out. I didn’t really gain weight yet, but I suppose that’s gonna happen soon enough. I still have a monthly cycle, very unstable and unreliable, but I think it’s slowly stopping. My voice is going lower and lower, and my girlfriend even thinks she’s seeing my adam’s apple sinking into my throat. My face is not as puffy and round as it was, I have very sharp jaws and cheekbones now. I also think my hairline has pulled back a little bit. But just a little. I hope it doesn’t pull back too far, but I’m afraid it will, looking at my dad and brother’s hairline. I don’t get misgendered often anymore these days, which I’m very happy about. I’m noticing a change in my bottom parts (not gonna go in detail about that but if you want to know you can private message me always!) and my thoughts and dysphoria regarding my bottom parts. I want to try and see if a STP/4-in-1 prosthetic works for me. I will update and let you all know if I truly am trying one out! For now only money is  a struggle for me, as the prosthetics are quite expensive.

EXO DISCUSSING ABOUT FOOTBALL
  • SM: k for love me right MV we gonna have you play football
  • EXO:
  • SM: you guys have any experience?
  • EXO:
  • Suho: is money a sport
  • Xiumin: stripping
  • Lay: nooooo too rough
  • Baekhyun: saw a home run once
  • Kyungsoo: if anyone tackles me I swear I will k-
  • Kai: yes I have lots of dancing experience
  • Sehun: not getting my beautiful face touched
  • Chanyeol: no but if I play I'll step over the little elves
  • Chen: I can use my sharp cheekbones for defense.
  • SM:
  • SM: yeah well we gonna give you sum baseball caps too
AUTOLATRY

/ɔːˈtɒlətri/

noun

I. worship of oneself

II. when I told him he was lucky, he said cockiness doesn’t suit me. his hand (oh god his hand, my mercy, my heart) he pulled away and I cringed and laughed and said I was joking.

III. he didn’t feel lucky so I left. I glanced in the mirror 32 times while I told him to go because I needed the reminder of my mouth and my eyes and my cheekbones and my sharp teeth that I loved myself enough to leave.

IV. she came around with eyes that looked like the sky at 20:47 in summer; no longer light, not yet dark, a sapphire sky with stars waking up slowly.

V. she looked at me like I was magic and I laughed that she was lucky. she nodded, in awe.

VI. he was lucky too. because I am the ocean and the sky and the earth, I am stardust and precious metals and air, I am a smile like the sun and a love that runs deeper than a black hole and he should have thanked god on his knees that something celestiel wanted to be his.

VII. I knew this all along.
—  autolatry - dictionary poems #4 - a. CLAW

This will be the last time, I will ever allow someone to call me fat. This will be the last time, I’m gonna let you insult me.
I know I’m ugly. So let’s start there.

You critic my face, the way you did with others
You never looked through my soul, that’s why I understand
I don’t have those eyes you like, the ones that shines at night
My eyebrows are thick, and my lashes never curve
My nose was never perfect, and my cheekbones weren’t sharp
I have a wide forehead and a very huge face
My smile was always brittle and my lips aren’t thin
That’s why when I smile, you think I’m on chaos
And I see you’ve come to your conclusion
So see? My features never blend.

“You’re chubby” “You’re fat” that’s the second thing you say
I remain silent and even duck my head
I pretend I never heard you, so that I can keep it nice
But you never take it back, and I never heard a joke
And the words rang inside my mind
Like that chaotic smile I gave
I am ugly, I am fat there is no doubt you said that.

I was never smart, and always considered being an average
I’m dumb, it is true. I can’t do math and barely understand it
I was never good at writing, or anything at all
They’re smart, I’m not. That’s why I’m being left out
I know where’s my place, and that is where I will stand.

I will find a solution, so you could stop the mockery
For you never knew what these words did to me
Cause I never show those scars that once they gave me
So starting from now, I won’t look at my reflection
I already knew the answer
I am fat, so I’ll starve myself to sleep
And maybe someday you’ll be shocked, on how thin it got me
I"m dumb, but I can’t do anything
I’ll just cry myself to sleep, cause in the morning I’ll wake up
And I’m still that girl filled with unattractive things.

This will be the last time, I know I said it right
That’s why you need to stop this instance, and learn to shut your mouth
Here’s the words you say, and I put them on this page
I critic my own, Isn’t that what you want me to do?
Here’s my problems together with my solutions.
So stop it now. And leave me somehow.

—  I said them all, happy now?