and my sharp cheekbones

i wish i didn’t equate my physical appearance with my worth as a person because if someone shows appreciation or expresses tht someone else is good/pretty/etc instead of feeling happy for th person being praised (which! is what would b reasonable! because! other people’s beauty doesn’t erase yr own! but) i immediately want 2 relapse because i want to be as good as the person being complimented/good enough and in my funkd up brain th only way i can b worthy of any kind of care and remotely desirable is when my cheekbones are sharp. i want to love myself or at least! respect myself but it’s so hard because every part of me is at conflict with another part and idk who i am > idk wht i consist of! > idk wht there is to love…..a mess

AUTOLATRY

/ɔːˈtɒlətri/

noun

I. worship of oneself

II. when I told him he was lucky, he said cockiness doesn’t suit me. his hand (oh god his hand, my mercy, my heart) he pulled away and I cringed and laughed and said I was joking.

III. he didn’t feel lucky so I left. I glanced in the mirror 32 times while I told him to go because I needed the reminder of my mouth and my eyes and my cheekbones and my sharp teeth that I loved myself enough to leave.

IV. she came around with eyes that looked like the sky at 20:47 in summer; no longer light, not yet dark, a sapphire sky with stars waking up slowly.

V. she looked at me like I was magic and I laughed that she was lucky. she nodded, in awe.

VI. he was lucky too. because I am the ocean and the sky and the earth, I am stardust and precious metals and air, I am a smile like the sun and a love that runs deeper than a black hole and he should have thanked god on his knees that something celestiel wanted to be his.

VII. I knew this all along.
—  autolatry - dictionary poems #4 - a. CLAW
EXO DISCUSSING ABOUT FOOTBALL
  • SM: k for love me right MV we gonna have you play football
  • EXO:
  • SM: you guys have any experience?
  • EXO:
  • Suho: is money a sport
  • Xiumin: stripping
  • Lay: nooooo too rough
  • Baekhyun: saw a home run once
  • Kyungsoo: if anyone tackles me I swear I will k-
  • Kai: yes I have lots of dancing experience
  • Sehun: not getting my beautiful face touched
  • Chanyeol: no but if I play I'll step over the little elves
  • Chen: I can use my sharp cheekbones for defense.
  • SM:
  • SM: yeah well we gonna give you sum baseball caps too
3

Irene: “Look, at us both” and “by saying that I suddenly became you, John. For all this time with my audacity, love for danger, sharp wit, high cheekbones, Victorian beauty, riding crop and leather gloves, I was Sherlock. Remember John, I know what people like. And now at this moment, I turned into you. I know what you like. I know how much you like it and it defies all the things you identified with so far. I know that feeling. Look at us both”.

“And later I will be you and Sherlock, John. I will be the embodiment of what you have wanted all along. I will rid myself of my Sherlock side, from my sleek self and get into a soft, comfortable sweater and sneak into Sherlock’s bed. You like sweaters, right? At that very moment, I will be both of you. Because remember John, I know what you both like.”

2

Left: pre-T
Right: 20 weeks on T

What did I notice in those 20 weeks:

Hair. Everywhere! On my legs, arms and torso. As well on my face. Mostly peach fuzz, but on each side of my moustache I have little dark hairs. I’m hungry all the time, and I’m starting to notice mustle growth and a change of fat in my body. I have less fat on my hips and sides, it kinda moved to the front. I’m a bit broader in my shoulders, without working out. I didn’t really gain weight yet, but I suppose that’s gonna happen soon enough. I still have a monthly cycle, very unstable and unreliable, but I think it’s slowly stopping. My voice is going lower and lower, and my girlfriend even thinks she’s seeing my adam’s apple sinking into my throat. My face is not as puffy and round as it was, I have very sharp jaws and cheekbones now. I also think my hairline has pulled back a little bit. But just a little. I hope it doesn’t pull back too far, but I’m afraid it will, looking at my dad and brother’s hairline. I don’t get misgendered often anymore these days, which I’m very happy about. I’m noticing a change in my bottom parts (not gonna go in detail about that but if you want to know you can private message me always!) and my thoughts and dysphoria regarding my bottom parts. I want to try and see if a STP/4-in-1 prosthetic works for me. I will update and let you all know if I truly am trying one out! For now only money is  a struggle for me, as the prosthetics are quite expensive.