and misses him

Sometimes I still get these urges to contact you.
It feels like pure desperation…  Like my skin is crawling and my eyes are burning and I just want you back in my life so badly….
And I don’t know why? Where these sudden urges come from?
Why do I still do this, even after all this time?!
It’s like I'm getting out, I'm almost clear…. and then suddenly I feel like I would do absolutely anything just to have you back in my life again.
Even for a single moment…. Just to see you, talk to you - ANYTHING!
It’s like I don’t WANT to be out, I still want to be in love with you because in my mind, loving you equates to happiness and I just want that back… just for one second.
But I have to remind myself it’s not healthy. 
Loving you is not like it used to be - it's not real anymore.
It’s not happy, it’s not positive…. and it’s gone and I can’t go back.
All I can do is put the phone down, blink back the tears … and keep moving forward.
—  Ranata Suzuki

It’s 2am.
You are miles away
Curled up in your bed
With the sheet thrown haphazardly across your waist.
You have earplugs in to drown out the world
While you drift in and out of sleep.
Do you ever roll over looking for me,
I wonder?
Do you miss the familiar weight of my hand
Strewn lovingly upon your chest?
Or the feel of me nestled against you
Our hands and feet entwined?
I miss the beat of your heart
And the twitch of your hands
As you fall into the arms of the night.
I long for the gentle way your body seeks out mine
When we move in our sleep.
I have learned the cadence of your breath,
Can tell the exact moment you fall asleep
And the moment when you are roused from your dreams.
Will you dream of me
I wonder?
My every dream,
Waking or asleep,
Are of you and you alone.

© Courtney Turley 2016