7:36 am, Finn sighs as he glances at his clock, his dad told him to be ready by 8, that was the time he was leaving for Leeds, the time that he was letting her go, the time he would leave that night in the past, leave her in the past, but could he really leave things as they were, did he get enough closure, should he try one more time, did she really not feel for him like he feels for her; he was so sure that what they had was special, that what they shared was something indescribable; the love he felt for her was something that couldn’t be easily defined by words, by a dictionary definition, or by some romance novel or movie; it was a feeling, a feeling that took up so much of his being that he wasn’t sure there was enough of him to carry it, their love was great or so he thought.
7:42 am, “Da’ I’m ready but I need to make one stop first.” Finn says softly yet sure of himself.
They’re quiet on the drive, it’s almost too quiet, he feels innately calm, like he’s on the outside of his body looking in, he doesn’t even register that he is now standing in front of her door. His knuckles connect with the door timidly, nothing. He waits then knocks again, nothing. He turns walking back to his dads car, but something stops in him, he scrunches up his face in wonder, he had only ever felt this feeling once before, the feeling that something is wrong and she needs him. He holds his hand up to his dad signaling to wait. He scales her house and is looking through her bedroom window, he can see she’s turned over facing the wall, but she is eerily still, he pushes open her window he stumbles as his boots connect with the floor beneath him.
7:56 am,“Rae..” he says, her name sounds foreign on his tongue
He takes a step towards her, he notices her breathing is shallow, 7:58 am his heart stops, “RAE!” he screams, he places his hands on her trying to turn her to face him, as he turns her he feels warm liquid running on to his hand, he looks to see blood gliding down her wrist onto her hand. He clamps his hand right hand over her left wrist. He uses his left to try and shake her awake, pleading her name, her eyes flutter open and connect with his watery face, she whispers “Finn” she tries to move her right arm but she can’t, Finn moves the duvet to see blood seeping through her sheets, a letter with his name scribbled on it held limp in her hand.
“DAD!” Finn screams, finally able to find strength from somewhere within.
He doesn’t register what’s happening around him, his focus completely on Rae, his tunnel vision so strong that he’s now waiting at the double doors of the hospital that read “hospital personnel only.” Two doors that separate her from him, the doors that separate the known from the unknown, the doors that separate life and death. 8:31 am, He feels a hand on his shoulder, his tears flowing freely as he lets out a cry falling to his knees.
Decisions are made every second, consuming every moment, and whether the decision is good or bad, life still moves on, there’s no blip in time, nothing stops, life keeps moving at a quickening pace, each decision made changing the outcome of what could have been, but to dwell on what could have been is pointless, you made your decision and time moved on, the time passed there’s no going back, even of you could go back, the outcome would never be what it would have been if you had chosen it in the first place, it would forever be altered.
All Finn could think was what if he had decided to go sooner, could he have stopped her, what if he had went too late would she be gone, what if he had never went at all, she would be gone.
As time passed, Finn was sat staring blankly with a tear stained face, his eyes fixed on a parenting magazine on the wall in front of him with a baby on the cover. He thought it was ironic how so many lives end in a hospital, while other lives are beginning; about how there could be so much joy, and yet such utter sadness in one place.
His vision focused on a body standing in front of him, he slowly looked up to see Rae’s mum standing in front of him, he didn’t even question how she knew, all he knew is that she held his fate in her hands.
11: 48 am, “She’s going to be fine, Finn,” Linda sat down next to him close to the edge of her chair.
Finn turned to her, tears pooling on her shoulder as she held him, crying gripping the back of her shirt. “Thank you” she whispers to him as she rubs his back.
After he calmed some she led him to her room, it’s quiet but not like before, he sucks in a hard breath, “it’s okay” he hears faintly from behind him.
He walks towards her wary of the sounds his boots are making on the tile floor, the room is dim only her bed side light on to guide him. He stands staring down at her, she looks peaceful, her breathing deep and even, all signs pointing to life.
Tears trickle down his face as he pulls a chair close to her bed, allowing himself to finally breathe a sigh of relief when he collapses into it.
He reaches out for her hand but jerks it back realizing it’s wrapped in bandages, his crying increasing, he muffles his the sounds with his hands, he clamps his eyes shut tight, so tight its burning, he opens his eyes shuddering out a deep breath, he reaches out lightly tracing a finger over her forearm W-H-Y..
As the hours pass he sits tracing her arm; he notices he still has dried blood all over his hands, her blood, he sighs as he stands up after tracing I’ll be back on her arm, he makes his way to the bathroom, he watches as the blood swirls down the drain, the memory of her blood freshly flowing out of her, he pounds his hands flat on the sink then grips it tightly “No” he tells himself sternly “No” he repeats, he didn’t want to think about it but knew it was no use, the memory would always be there. He dries his hands then makes his way back to her, as he stands in the doorway watching her, her expression still unchanged, he sighs and rubs his hands on his jeans; his left hand stills as he hears a crinkling noise. He remembers the letter she had in her hand is in his pocket, he’s not even sure when he put it there, he pulls it out of his pocket but doesn’t look at it, he grips it tightly and walks back to her settling himself back down beside her.
I’m sorry. I feel like ’sorry’ isn’t even an adequate word for what I have done, but it’s all I have, besides telling you the truth. I was scared. I said I was better but I’m not. I wish I was, I wish I was strong like you, smart like Archie, carefree like Izzy, protective like Chop, and brave like Chloe; but I’m not, I’m broken, and I’m scared. Not only am I scared of the voices of others, I’m scared of my own voice, the voice in my head telling me that I’ll never be good enough for you, the voice that tells me there has to be a catch, because there is no way someone as kind and lovely as you could love someone like me. I really did want to believe that you loved me, and sometimes I almost felt it, but then the voices would tell me otherwise. You know that saying “a penny for your thoughts” well, I would sell mine for less if I could finally be rid of them. I’m sorry I let the gossip and judgmental stares of others bring me down, but most of all, I’m sorry I allowed myself to bring us down, that my voice, my insecurities broke us, and mostly I’m sorry that I hurt you in the process.
But I think I’ve had just about enough of the voices, what I never did will be done; I’ll never know the lovin’ of a man, but it sure felt nice when you were holding my hand, you are the only boy in this town that I’ll love forever, but who would have thought forever could be severed by a sharp knife of a short life. Don’t cry for me, no need to waste your tears, save them for a time when you’re really going to need them.
I love you,
7:12 pm, Finn read and reread the letter until he couldn’t anymore, the tears pooling in his eyes blurring his vision. He understood now, and he berated himself for not seeing it before, for not seeing that she was struggling, he should have known something was off that day in the disabled toilet, he laughed humorlessly at himself for being so naïve, to think that she should be satisfied with knowing he liked her because “he just did”, when he himself would often wonder what he had that could make someone as wonderful as her like someone like him.
He wiped his eyes on the back of his hand and sniffed hard trying to control his sobs, but the effort seemed useless. He reached out placing his hand on her arm his thumb caressing her soft skin delicately, he sucked in a hard breath when she stirred, he held it waiting to see if she would wake, she settled and a sigh escaped her lips, he let out a shaky breath his hand still resting on her arm.
I-L-O-V-E-Y-O-U he traced out for the thousandth time that day, only this time there was a reply “I love you, too” she said softly, her eyes still closed. Finn gasped sitting on the edge of his chair leaning in close to her, her eyes opened softening as her gaze fixed on his “I thought you were leaving” she whispered to him.
He stood and leaned over her cupping her face between his hands pressing his forehead to hers, he sighed closing his eyes, “I’m never leaving you” he whispered to her, he rubbed his nose against hers before placing a soft kiss on her lips. “I love you” he mumbled against her lips as his hand dropped tracing out F-O-R-E-V-E-R on her arm.
His heart is pounding in his chest, 7:58 pm, the moment his new life began.
While Kai and you took a stroll in the park, Kai attempted to get the story out of you, but you wouldn’t budge.
“Alright then, if you don’t want to say it, it’s okay. I respect that.”
As you walked in the park, you closed your eyes and enjoyed the sound of the birds chirping. The cool breeze that caused the flowers to dance with the green grass seemed to whisper beautiful things it has encountered in its journey. You were inspired by nature and its natural scenery. Walking in the park made you feel connected with the world. It made you feel like you were part of something and that your life was meaningful. Kai peeked at you and smiled.
“I’m really feeling funnel cake today.”
You opened your eyes and turned to him. “What’s that?”
Kai’s jaw dropped. Shocked, he almost screamed, “You’ve never had funnel cake!?”
Without even giving you a chance to respond, he reached for you hand and lead you to another direction. “We’re going right now.“