Ah, now there’s a good question. Y’see, cause it involves money!
Indirectly, f’course, like in a capitalist cause-and-effect kinda way, but still. Money!
Listen, I’ve been runnin’ th’ shack for years now, and lemme tell ya, y’get all kinds of customers when workin’ at a place like that. Some folks’ll just come in lookin’ t’buy a bag of chips from the vendin’ machine, others will be comin’ in to purchase an entire fur…fish…hybrid thing…
But, er, y’know, whatever th’ case, there is one product that’s been irresistible t’even the most skeptical of buyers. You folks ready t’know what it is? Heh, I think you are…
‘Cause it’s me!
More specifically, the exclusive, rare, official Mystery Shack licensed Stan Pines Bobblehead™! (Patent pending.)
Would’ya just look at that craftsmanship? Th’ way it captures my stunnin’ physique, my devilishly handsome smile, that…that dull, lifeless haze I get in my eyes ‘cause, like, I’m tired all the time…
Half the time, we’re barely able to keep these things on the shelves! And it’s not just because Mabel’s been swipin’ em to test out her makeover skills. Or because Ford got all grouchy his name was on somethin’ “degradin’“ and burned half our stock.
Though, uh, both have happened.
Though I will admit…and…and it’s kinda sad, if y’really think about it…There’s one product that’s just inches away from beatin’ it…from livin’ out its hopes and dreams of bein’ th’ most purchased item in th’ Mystery Shack…
And that’s our beautifully crafted, mint condition Mystery Shack Snowglobe™! (Patent also pending. I got a lot of patents pendin’.)
But hey, you can help, kiddo! Just buy like, ten’f these babies and it’ll surpass th’ bobblehead for our most popular item.
‘Course, you wouldn’t want th’ bobblehead to feel left out, so you might wanna buy a couple’f those too after the fact. And from there you might as well just go back and forth buyin’ stuff so you’re givin’ each product a fair chance at livin’ its dream, y’know?
C’mon, have a heart! Think’f the children and…whales ‘n stuff.