and in the end it's a beautiful journey through feelings

you see ive loved before, but never in the way i loved you. you can be right next to me or so far away we havent spoken in weeks. i mean what im trying to say is i fall asleep a little bit better knowing you’re okay and i worry a little bit more about you when you dont reply at noon on a tuesday when i know you are on class break. i guess i feel you when you aren’t around, and when my mind wonders it wonders to you but i dont mean this to ever scare you because the love i have for you doesn’t hurt me, its beautiful and peaceful and makes me fall asleep a little bit easier. everything you deal with together is a journey but its how you make it through it, how you manage to survive each and everytime you think its the end, i mean i think it has a lot to do with being a team, how you work together and not against eachother. i spent a year of my life wishing for someone to come back to me who was gone since the beginning i mean it was slammed doors and bruised knees as he’d push me down and i’d lose more hair from him pulling me than when id try to brush him out of mind right after my shower. i almost went into this with my arms up refusing to ever let someone over power me the way he did we can try and block things and people can try and prevent it and friends can convince you otherwise but some stuff just leaks through the walls that you swear are so concrete that how can the love still leak through, well sometimes even the strongest of things have a soft spot. i used to find comfort in him, you see he was the safe choice, i thought if i spent most of my time trying to remember him and what he did to me that maybe he’d still remember me, because i feared if i ever let go and learn to forget that he would too, but i was naive, because he forgot before he even left me on the side of the road begging for answers begging to know why she was better and why her lips became your favourite when you swore mine were. i spent so much of my time. so much of my time to now look back on it all and realize it didn’t mean much and it wasnt love because love is fighting, getting through the impossible, but most important love is forgiveness, its giving your time and your support, its listening even when you’ve heard how much he loves big cars so much everytime you see one pass by you fucking see him in the drivers seat. i think love is hard but also beautiful, it’s knowing when they’re no longer with you that you would give everything for just one more minute. when i was 16 i thought love was wanting to die for the one you loved but at 18 i realize that dying for them is the easy way out, that love is fighting, fighting and more fucking fighting because you couldnt stand yourselves if you ever gave up to eventually lose eachother.
—  j