and ill probably be the last

i think what’s making me super antsy is the constant feeling of like, WHEN can my life begin????? which I feel has probably come about because of the two decades lost to mental illness, memory gaps, and an undiagnosed disability + several abusive relationships and trauma from that.

I can’t stress how much things have entirely turned around for me these last two years thanks to medication and treatment and I guess most people have like!!! a good windup to this point in their lives!! where they can be excited about their futures or at the very least spend considerable time thinking about it but for me it likes BAM, suddenly slapped in the face with the WILD idea of having a FUTURE and HAPPINESS. WHEN!!!!!

LAST BUST NOT LEAST IS AN APPRECIATION POST FOR @HARDLIQUORHAZ. She was my first mutual on this blog omg, and I’m SO glad we found each other. I don’t even have the right words to describe how amazing she is. FIRST OF ALL. She’s probably tired of hearing this, but she has SO MUCH talent when it comes to writing. (She’s gonna be a published author one day, YALL JUST WAIT. ILL BE BUYING ALL OF HER BOOKS. She will have her own bookshelf in my house.) I would even praise her to do lists and reblog them. ANYWAY, she is SO kind. She is always there for me, and I appreciate that so much. She tolerates me popping into her ask box 24/7 (when I’m not on vacation LOL). ALSO SHE IS SO PRETTY?! Who would have thought I would have stumbled upon such an amazing human, and been lucky enough to call her my friend. I JUST HAVE SO MUCH LOVE FOR THIS GIRL. SO BLESSED TO HAVE SUCH A GOOD PAL IN MY LIFE AND I WOUD NOT TRADE HER FOR THE WORLD.

A guide to being an apathetic Byronic aristocrat vampire in the 21st century
  • If the sun is up return to bed and wait until nighttime. There are not enough hours in the night to spend them sleeping. Once it is dark you can be all Dante Rossetti about it and stroll about some darkened woodland or else lay amongst Chinese patterned pillows in the nude reading Marcel Proust. 
  • In fact do a great many things naked. Or if you insist do them naked under a silk robe which trails after you as you stalk the halls of your estate.
  • And since everyone is fated to die anyway smoke cigarettes while you can. Be blasé about death in general. Or lament it constantly – incessantly – until all who know you associate it with your presence. That is what being a Romantic is all about.
  • And in the spirit of Byron take such bad care of yourself – by eating badly and drinking copiously – that you might at any moment pass into that lamented great beyond. The best ways to die are in a battle or in a Revolution as well as from sloth – simply laying about wasting away transfixed by a beautiful painting or the memory of a lost lover – or finally simply succumbing to an illness procured from exposure to the harsh elements of nature. The last is the most probable since you will often find yourself standing on mountaintops above mist-laden seascapes shouting Nietzschean quotes into the frosty air and heralding your own impending doom in the process.
  • Read many books. Watch Orlando by Sally Potter for immortal style tips.
  • Become a sensual creature (as opposed to a sexually satisfied one) so that you may either conquer a harmen of lovers wherein you can loose yourself for hours on end in a kind of Delta of Venus scenario or else live as an Dionysian hermit finding solace entirely in literature, flowers and moonlight.
  • Be not strictly woman or man but rather an amalgamation of femininity and masculinity. Embrace bisexuality. 
  • Keep strange pets. Anything besides a dog or cat or gerbil. Or if you must have a dog then choose a Borzoi or Wolf Hound. And if you must procure a cat then name it Lassitude or Nothing as Jean Paul Sartre did. Raise peacocks and keep a menagerie of exotic fauna and flora in an otherwise overgrown rose garden.  
  • Half of what you say ought to be a quote by John Milton, Dante Alighieri, William Shakespeare or Oscar Wilde. Either that or nothing. If you are not reciting – either the work of others or your own – then be quiet. Observe and consider, but rarely speak.
  • Drink red wine. And white wine. And champagne. Do not however drink vodka unless you find yourself in the Russian Winter Palace filial roaming pale and crazy-eyed down halls with a fur coat whipping behind you and a novel by Tolstoy in your pocket. 
  • Life is a feast. Eat oysters for breakfast and decorate your dinner table – and the food itself – with flowers. Hannibal is the go to cooking program for culinary flair.
  • In fact Hannibal ought to be the only tv show you watch besides Penny Dreadful. 
  • Wear chokers. All your jewelry ought to be heirlooms. 
  • Keep a much younger lover – if you are a woman – or a much older one – if you are a man – and have them rip the choker from your pale neck as you fall together in a passionate throw onto a 17th century ottoman.
  • Dress in shrouds of velvet and silk. 
  • Stay out of the sun.
  • A moushe – a painted-on beauty mark – is entirely appropriate, as is a Jacobin ruff.
  • From now on sex shall be referred to as Making Cattleya.
  • Appropriate venues for socializing are cafés which do not play music or serve cappuccinos, theaters built before 1960 and opera houses not built after 1930. Jazz clubs which refrain from fusion or acid. Libraries and old cinemas in general. Family estates and parental mansions, abandoned houses in the country side, churches and cemeteries, woodland openings and castle lawns, museums and – of course – small apartments where you can sit on the floor smoke cigarettes and discuss the collective sense of ennui you share with your friends.
  • Inappropriate venues are shopping malls, franchise coffee shops and anywhere where reading a novel or smoking might seem out of place. In fact stay clear of any place built after 1980. Avoid food courts, gyms, sports or hotel bars and clubs with more than one dance floor as the plague.
  • Refer to your circle of friends as your Family. Be religiously devote and romantically involved with them. When it comes to your actually family a cool somewhat distanced relationship is the most appropriate. Or if so inclined consider a more obsessive cloistering constellation that will inevitably lead to rumors of past inbreeding – the French aristocratic kind – and scandal. Refer to your parents by their first name or not at all and thus have them remain an elusive periphery to your life. 
  • Instead declare Richard Wagner as your emergency contact.
  • Descend stairwells slowly.
  • Express yourself through Greek axioms and lyrical poetry or lingering secretive stares. Consider perfume as a means of communication. 
  • Remember that the only respectable means of transport are the Oriental Express, steamships across the Atlantic or long boats along the Nile. You may also travel by foot if you do so in a languid fashion. As far as tourism goes the primary vehicle of experience ought to be stargazing and kissing. 
  • Consider yourself eternal
  • And eternity meaningless. 
"hamilton" summarised

act 1

alexander hamilton: HELLO YES HI THIS MUSICAL IS ALL ABOUT ME I AM THE STAR I AM WONDERFUL LOOK AT ALL THE COOL STUFF I DID WOW GO ME

aaron burr, sir: you’re an orphan? nice lets go mURDER THE GOVERNMENT (ft. drunk squad™)

my shot: im PAst patiently waitin im PASSionately SMAshin every expecTATion every ACTion’s an ACT of crEATion

the story of tonight: more drunk cuties

the schuyler sisters: FEMINISM GIRL POWER F U C K THE PATRIARCHY (ft. peggy bein a lil bitch)

farmer refuted: Sassy Ham™ (ft. dONT MODULATE THE KEY THEN NOT DEBATE WITH M E)

you’ll be back: king george iii is a psycho

right hand man: I HAVE THREE FRIENDS PICK ME

a winter’s ball: salty + creepy burr (ft. LAAAAaaaAaAaaaADIES)

helpless: ELIZA IS A PRECIOUS PURE CINNAMON ROLL D O N ’ T T O U C H H E R

satisfied: did somebody say bitter (ft. goosebumps)

the story of tonight (reprise): drunk and gay (reprise)

wait for it: burr has secrets™

stay alive: FUCK OFF CHARLES LEE

ten duel commandments: oKAY so we’re doing this

meet me inside: ham fucks up™

that would be enough: THE CINNAMON ROLL IS BACK AND SHE’S PREGNANT HAM COULD U N O T

guns and ships: lAFAYETTE

history has its eyes on you: gwash has Feelings™

yorktown (the world turned upside down): that one line @ trump tbh, HERCULES MULLIGAN

what comes next: oh no king george is just hella salty

dear theodosia: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

non-stop: HISTORY HAS ITSwhy do you assume you’re the smartest in the room why do you assume you’re the smartest in theNON-STOPhe will never be satisfiedISN’T THIS ENOUGHsatisfiedWHAT WOULD BE ENOUGH

act 2

what’d i miss: tjeffs is back from being a hoe in paris and he’s getting down to Business™ 😎

cabinet battle #1: FUCKN FIGHT ME ILL TAKE ANYONE — alexander hamilton, probably

take a break: spoiler! he doesn’t take a break (ft. UN DEUX TROIS QUATRE CINQQQQQQQQ)

say no to this: oh jesus what is that two letter word starting with n, ending with o, it has escaped my vocabulary completely

the room where it happens: so apparently aaron burr is Salt Personified™

schuyler defeated: bros don’t take other bros’ father in law’s senate seat wtf

cabinet battle #2: if u tie ur hair into a ponytail, u are a completely different person: confirmed

washington on your side: salty burr, jeffersalt, madisalt: the salthern motherfucking democratic republicans™

one last time: washington’s gone, thanks a lot jefferson

i know him: no it turns out that king george iii is actually a fCKN PSYCHOPATH

the adams admininistration: Great Googly Moogly, It’s All Gone To Shit™ (ft. sIT DOWN JOHN YOU FAT MOTHERFUCKER)

we know: so burr’s shady as fuck

hurricane: hoe don’t do it (spoiler! he does it)

the reynolds pamphlet: how to fuck up your own life for no good reason — by alexander hamilton

burn: CINNAMON ROLL IS UPSET AND IT BREA K S Y O U

blow us all away: HE DIDNT MEAN LITERALLY ??¿ (ft. philip organising a threesome)

stay alive (reprise): count to ten in french after this without crying, i dare you

it’s quiet uptown: YOU KILLED YOUR S O N WHAT THE FUCK ALEXANDER CHILL

the election of 1800: alex likes causing drama. what a surprise(!)

your obedient servant: i have never talked shit about you. BUT IF I EVER DID here is a list of everything i said about you and when, it’s 30 years long, take your pick (ft. S A L T )

best of wives and best of women: he doesn’t go back to sleep

the world was wide enough: you done fucked up a-a-ron

who lives, who dies, who tells your story: eliza schuyler hamilton is an angelic cinnamon roll and the world does not deserve her, she singlehandedly made sure her idiot husband made history and she deserves more credit than she is given honestly (ft. your ugly crying)

heya thanks for 666 pals!! i thought since this is one of the only numbers that matters i’d do another blog rate! it’ll be simple with a lil’ twist


rules:

-must rb this post

-follow me (dont have to but it’d be cool)

-send me your favourite of the 7 deadly sins! + anything you wanna say/ask me


format:

url : idgi | nice! | cooolio | who did you sacrifice for this???? 

icon : idk what this is? | selfie (cute!) | nice | coooolio | this is the ultimate!!!!

theme : default | not my type | nice! | coooolio | who can i sacrifice for this???

mobile theme : not my type | nice | cooolio | the aesthetic tho!! | eND me its so Good

posts : not my type | nice | coooolio | what kind of sorcery | i’d sacrifice Myself for these 

following? : no, but you’re gr8 | now i am! | for sure!!! | if im ever not throw me to the pits of hell early !!!!!!!!!!!! 

comments:

+ a tarot card based off your blog! 


it’s gonna be tagged jakesnotfunny if you want to blacklist it lol. if this flops it literally never happened. and have fun!! ty all! 

shadzter  asked:

Anyone u want in tigh highs cause its cute af... How abt all ur characters? Nothing but tigh highs.

Have a Sonic bc he came first to my mind and I haven’t drew him “naked” in a long time

I wish I could do this with my OCs but 1. Tumblr doesn’t like OCs 2. I have too many but CHALLENGE ACCEPTED I’m probably gonna draw the other official chars in tigh highs too bc hhhng but it’s been done already

I’ve been hearing a lot of things about 13 reasons why lately, mostly bad which definitely makes sense. I’ve yet to see it and probably won’t but I can understand why so many people are upset with it. 

But if you are looking for a show that handles the the subject of suicide well without romanticizing or misrepresenting it then may I suggest In The Flesh? 

“But isn’t that the show about gay zombies?”

Technically, yes. But it’s so much more than that. In The Flesh covers the topics of mental illness and suicide better than any show I’ve seen to date. I first saw it when I was in a very rough place and it definitely had a lasting impact on me. 

The show takes place in the aftermath of the zombie apocalypse, the undead have been treated and assimilated back into society. The main character is a boy named Keiren who reunites with his parents and sister after committing suicide. He’s given a second chance at life and gets to see how his death effected his family and community. More importantly, he also gets his own character development and learns coping mechanisms and that suicide is never the answer.

I can hardly do this show justice just by writing a few sentences about it. It’s beautiful, interesting, devastating, and it’s one of the only shows I will say has changed my life. 

(While the series never shows graphic depictions of suicide there are trigger warnings for the following: scars, blood, body horror, death, homophobia, and discussions surrounding suicide)

Save the last dance for me darling, I want to be the last person you hold tonight

pose referenced from this wonderful shot i always see on tumblr

a white rose in disguise 💭

2

I haven’t posted a SINGLE picture of this on my Tumblr (and ill probably post my progress shots up in a separate post later for anyone interested) but here was my big project for Akon28.

150 hours, no sleep and lots of tears resulted in one of the most, if not THE most, amazing cosplay I’ve yet to produce.

Special thanks to @ravenousflyingbears for letting me use her as a living mannequin for The Boy.

2

Project: Scrapbook — Horrificator (Part Two)

Project: Scrapbook Masterpost (tbp)

Comic By: @daughterofthestars08 (lineart) & @artgraveyard (lineart and color) & @chalala-chan (color)

Written By: @purr-cat-stinate & @mimosaeyes

Beta’d By: @miraculousandcute & @emeralddrop

Summary: N/A

Words: 699


The director sighed once the girl had scampered off, watching as everyone was currently trying to shoo the perfume bombed air out of the window, and muttered something about this being the path to his death. Adrien lingered nearby, politely waving Juleka off as she went in to put another layer of powder on his face.

Keep reading

Mental breakdown tag lol

do I use this script or not

also vedj - still going, but will probably miss some days and that’s OKAY
I’m worried for this video, because rather than generalising mental illness as important, and needs to be talked about, I go into detail about the specifics of what I’m feeling. And it’s not pretty. If you can’t relate, and I hope you don’t, I’m going to seem very very strange. But mental illness isn’t simple, it’s not all let’s blow on thumbs together to stop these darn panic attacks, or this cute cartoon girl crying in a corner. It’s so much bigger and uglier and more complex.
I haven’t been making videos because I didn’t know how to when my head has been consumed and overtaken by what I’m about to talk about. But I think I’ve figured it out.
so here’s the thing
you may have seen on twitter
i mentioned that i haven’t really felt like i’m here since i was 17 in a vid recently
and then within the last week that sort of upped as a problem by like, 80%
i went to wales for some shoots, felt crazy the whole weekend, then came back and got very panicky about the fact that I was going mad
I had slept fine, and I kept expecting to wake up better, but I just didn’t
I’ll explain what this all actually is and how it feels in a bit, plz hold
so I got back, and knew that I felt messed up, so tried registering to the doctors
walked there, in my weird dream state, took a proof of address cause I knew I needed that, handed it in, and then they said that I needed proof of address within the last two months
i was teetering on the edge of tears and also feeling really weird so I think they must have thought I was actually insane
I forgot how to say thanks and bye so I think I just left, dunno
walked home, in this strange, bright dream world
tried finding proof of address, forgot how to talk to my housemate, scared she was going to notice that I was drunk, except i wasn’t drunk
and then my mum called and said dodie
are you okay
and I just sort of
broke
i was sobbing, rummaging through bin bags to try to find some sort of proof of address, on the phone to mum, and I decided to visit home home for some sort of familiarity, cause I used to feel so normal and alive in that house, when I was younger
so I went home home, crying on the train, panicking about the fact that I was going mad and all my friends were like dodie wtf
that was when I tweeted saying I needed a break
then I saw mum and started crying about the fact that I left my old bedroom bed in dovan flat, cause I just wanted my normal bed in my normal room so I could feel normal
and I came home but of course I wasn’t magically cured because going to that house is not the same as time travel
i’m not taking a trip to 2012 when I go home, as much as I want to, i’m a broken dodie visiting a broken house and a broken ish family
I even visited my old primary school which shut down, like, years ago, and I wandered around with hedy
I don’t think that helped, cause it felt like it had just, grown leaves and aged in like 20 seconds
it just made me feel even weirder
so what am I feeling? Okay. let me explain. Or try to.
here are a bunch of messages I have sent to friends of mine, to try and explain wtf this is
“i’m so tired
I’m just so tired I feel like I’ve been awake for 4 days And I don’t feel like I’m here I feel like I’m drunk Like I’ve had three wines and shots and beer and I’m tired and ready to go home and I can’t talk to anyone because I’ve forgotten how I usually talk
I don’t even look like me
Everything is so wrong and weird and scary
I honestly think I’m going mad
I can’t stop crying
I’ve got such a bad headache” to lucy
And I’ve just constantly felt like Drunk and blind You know when you’re hammered
And everything’s really bright and you can’t remember how to talk properly and you’re not really taking anything in cause you feel really weird and you can touch things and see things and talk to people but you’re not really There
I genuinely genuinely think I’ve gone mad
And I don’t know if I’m ever going to see things like normal again” to sammy
“Here’s the thing
I’m alive
I can breathe
I can eat and talk and sleep and see and feel
So I should be okay
And objectively, I am fine
So why am I not
It’s one of those things that I keep thinking about over and over to the point where my head is like is this really happening and then I’m like is WHAT really happening
I used to not understand mental illnesses at all
I was like
Just think of cats and rainbows
But now I get it
It’s so much deeper in your brain than cats and rainbows
I used to say if I ever got dementia or something id fight it
But how can you fight it when the it is the thing you’re using to fight with
Dodie has gone full blown mad” to jon
now, thanks to the last vid, and to google, I’ve found out what this probably is
and I’m trying my best to register and see a doctor and get therapy and sort this out and also
I know what you’re thinking
if you have no idea what I’m talking about, if you’ve never had anything even close to this, if you are mentally dandy
you’re thinking dodie
you sound mental
just shut up,
turn it off
you’re fine
you’re obsessing over nothing, you’re attention seeking, just stop thinking about it
firstly, I am so happy and thankful that you feel normal and happy and go and enjoy your life because you can
and secondly, I would do anything to turn this off and feel normal again, literally anything. But I can’t. not right now. I don’t know how.
so. here’s my plan.
I’m going to act fucking normal.
I can still sing. I am still alive, on this planet, even though I don’t feel like it. I still find things funny, I still can taste food, I can make jokes, and write songs and hang out with friends, even though I literally feel like I’m hiding something from everyone and I keep looking at everyone as if I’m a robot.
but I’m going to sort this out, somehow. I’m going to sleep before midnight and wake up before 9, I’m going to give myself weekends, I’m going to do mindfullness meditation at 11am, and Im going to go running at least twice a week and eat healthy and drink water and not drink too much alcohol and treat myself when I’ve done well and not overwhelm myself. And I’m going to go to a doctor, and then therapy, and deal with this. But this will not consume me.
Yeah I feel fucking weird. Bring it. I’m so done with the constant buzz in my head - why do I feel like this why do i feel like this why do i feel like this
I just do. And I can’t change it right now. It’s not going to turn off. and I can’t just stop the world until I feel normal again, because I’ll get to my 70s and be like well shit, I missed it all.
So I’m going to do the best I can. I’m going to make the videos that make me happy. And I’m going to laugh about the fact that I’m a bit mental. Cause what else can you do.

Whilst I type this I’m on the phone to my bank to get a statement sent to prove my address to go BACK to the doctors to prove I live here then get an appointment to get referred to therapists. The NHS may be free but it’s not bloomin easy lol.

gotta say making this video was super healthy for me. It was good to edit together and see that I can pass as a functioning human.