and i'm going to try to refrain

the more days that go by, the more I try to refrain from writing about you. I’ve tried everything from sleeping pills to self-harm to drowning myself in vodka until I can’t see straight but the pills only make me dream of you and I end up carving your name into my skin and the only thing steady when my head is spinning is the thought of you. everything makes me want to write about you from the way your laugh makes the stars shake and how the scar above your right eyebrow makes me want to spend the rest of my life tracing it with my fingertips. at the end of the day when the pills kick in again, you’re there in my dreams but they’re not dreams- they’re nightmares and you’re walking away as you always are. you’re walking away and I’m screaming for you to come back but you never turn around and you never look back and you never want me. you never wanted me. I was just a girl who wanted to spend her whole life writing about you and you were just a boy who wanted nothing more than a poem followed by “goodbye.”
—  I wish you’d turn around