I always stay up late thinking about you. I stay up late thinking about what I could’ve done differently. I stay up late wishing that I could turn back time. I stay up cursing at the universe for screwing up the timing. I stay up wondering if I ever cross your mind. I wonder if you ever dream about me. Or if your heart skips a beat when you see or hear my name.
I stay up waiting for a message or a phone call that will never come. I stay up thinking about what we could’ve been. I stay up wanting you back.
I stay up because I miss you.
I stay up because I miss hearing your voice.
I stay up because I want you to tell me that you love me, for one last time.
I deleted a picture of you off my phone tonight along with some texts you’d sent months back. Ones telling me how much you missed me and how you needed to see me soon. I don’t get those anymore, in fact I don’t hear from you at all. I still miss you from time to time. When my eyes are heavy in the early hours of the morning or at the bottom of my 9th pint. I wonder how you are and if I ever cross your mind. If you ever see things that remind you of me and no one else, like my favourite band on tv or that film I hated so much. I still think about you but not as much anymore.
I wonder if I ever cross your mind.
or if you stop to think about me.
or the number of times I pop into your head.
do you feel anything when I look at you right in the eyes?
how about butterflies in your stomach when my arm briefly brushes up yours?
does your heart ever skip a beat when I smile at you?
do you like it when I joke around with you?
have you ever wanted me wrapped tightly in your arms,
with your chin resting on my head,
and our fingers intertwined?
have you ever imagined us kissing in the darkness, alone in your car, with music softly playing in the background?
do you play scenarios of us in your head over and over again?
do I take up your thoughts before you fall asleep?
are you worried about us being miles and miles apart when school starts again?
I wish you knew how much I wanted to see you everyday.
I wish you knew how much I just wanted to kiss you every time we were alone together.
I wish you knew all the crazy thoughts passing through my mind whenever our eyes met.
I sure do wish you knew how madly I fell in love with you this summer.
i don’t have much time to see you anymore and I fucking miss you
“I know you’re happy with her now. And I know that she makes you smile and laugh the way I used to. I know that she makes you feel the way I made you feel and that everything with her is easy, the way it never was with me. I just…, I wonder, y'know?” She said, biting her lip and diverting her eyes from his to the window behind him.
“I just wonder if you ever think of me. If you’re ever really busy, but I happen to cross your mind. Or if you ever wish for me to come back.”
“Of course I do,” He nodded. “I think about you all the damn time. But just because I miss you doesn’t mean I can just leave her to be with you,”
You can, actually, she thought.
“But, God, yes. I miss you all the time. It’s all I ever do.”
Sometimes, I wonder if you’d ever think of me while in the middle of a talk with your friends and in the midst of the busyness you shared with them. I wonder if there’s a single time in a day questions like how am I or what am I doing while you’re not with me crosses your mind. And then there’s this dreadful question that creeps through my mind whenever I became drown to my thoughts: how much do I really mean to you?
Excerpt from a book I will never write #717 // @judetasilacan on Instagram