and i was just ''i think i'd stick with a headache''

gallagher girls headcanons because why not (ノ◕ヮ◕)ノ*:・゚✧

edward actually hates early grey tea but he has a refined british aesthetic to uphold so he deals with the bitterness and absorbs it into his bitter soul and abby thinks it’s hilarious

abby meanwhile has the most complicated, white girl™ starbucks order that takes longer to say than it does to make. she lives for seasonal drinks, and is first in line the day they start making pumpkin spice lattes again

zachary goode had an emo phase, fight me on this. he definitely listened to my chemical romance and pierce the veil and panic! at the disco and said things like, “no one understands me” and slammed the door and who am i kidding zachary goode is still in his emo phase. 

liz got her pixie cut after coming out as part of a transformation of sorts to be more comfortable with herself and bex loves it and compliments her on it like, “looking good, lizzie” and liz blushes like a dork

bex and grant are the KINGS of beer pong. watch out when they decide to go against each other, it’s the sporting event of the season. like, “the only thing i’ll be waving is your decapitated head on a stick in front of your weeping mother!” “good lord, bex.”

bex is also a memelord bye

joe puts up this whole mysterious, tough guy front but he is the biggest nerd of them all. like, all that boy wants to do is fish. he never wanted to lose his best friend and join a terrorist group and get put in a coma. he just wanted to live in his cabin and play board games and watch star wars or something and FISH leave the boy alone

“morgan townsend…you were named after my sister’s husband. your cousin, cammie, was named after me and her own mother i know it’s complicated okay don’t think about it too much”

her entire first year at gallagher, macey slept with a stuffed animal that she hid under her bed at night. she thought no one knew about it, but the other girls did and washed it and never made fun of it because macey is all gooey on the inside though she doesn’t act like it. she tries to act like buttercup but she’s such a fucking bubbles omg

cammie makes the dumbest jokes of all like…dad joke level jokes. she 10/10 got it from matthew like. “god, i’m exhausted, this mission is killing me.” “hi exhausted, i’m cammie!” “cammie for the love of GOD why do you keep doing this”

catherine wears big thick glasses when she reads that make her look like a hipster which she hates but she really can’t see, okay? she just wants to read her mystery novels without getting headaches. when she forgets to put her contacts in, she literally is tripping over her own two feet. ((she also unironically likes EDM and probably says things like “sounds fake but okay” because she knows what the cool kids are in to, okay? She’s not a regular mom, she’s a cool mom.))

if gallagher girls were at ilvermorny, abby and bex would be in thunderbird, zach, macey, and catherine would be in wampus, rachel, liz, and townsend would be in horned serpent, and cammie, matthew, and joe would be in pukwudgie 

Selina didn’t care for parties. Too many people. She cared even less for Gotham. She’d have just as gladly never come back.

Yet here she was, at a party in Gotham.

Bruce Wayne kept nothing she wanted, nothing that wasn’t his. And the cats liked him. They were good judges of character. Some part of her was glad.

She’d left the ballroom when she’d decided it wouldn’t get better. She may have been a little overwhelmed. Too many people, too tempting to claw some of their faces off. Unpleasant smiles, looking at her like a potential pet. She was as wealthy as they were, but one wouldn’t know it from the way they looked at her.

Wayne Manor had cats like some places had mice. They lived in the woods along the mountain, some descended from generations of ferals and others abandoned by idiots. Out in the garden and under the moonlight, they wound themselves around her legs and stretched out in the grass.

That one is coming, they said, but they were neither threatened nor excited. She turned her head. Bruce Wayne, remaining at a distance in the dark. He was the first to break the silence.

“That’s a lot of cats.”

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No Refunds, No Returns

AN: A silly, fluffy fic about our boys being auctioned off for charity. I guess I’m just in one of those cracky Sherlolly moods lately. :) Unbetaed and riddled with grammar and continuity errors, I’m sure. My fault for being too impatient to wait to post. Anyway… Enjoy!

‘You sure you want to go through with this? Any second thoughts?’

Sherlock grimaced as John roughly adjusted his tie, a cheeky grin on the doctor’s face. ‘For the last time, yes. But I am beginning to second guess using this particular, ridiculous situation for my purposes.’

‘Just shut up and don’t say anything for the next twenty minutes. Everything will be perfect.’

Sherlock looked at his black tuxedo with a disgruntled frown. ‘Good God, who ever thought of this idea should be drawn and quartered!’ 

John rolled his eyes and fixed his bowtie, admiring himself in the mirror. ‘I think it’s kind of fun. And it’s for a good cause.’ He looked at Sherlock and gave him a cheeky wink.

Sherlock begrudgingly agreed as he ruffled his slicked back hair, bringing the curls forward in frizzy disarray that only served to make him look slightly debauched. 

‘Stop doing that!’ John grabbed the comb from the table and tried to fix Sherlock’s hair, but the detective bobbed and weaved out of the way. John chased him around the room, much to the amusement of the other tuxedo-clad gentlemen.

Suddenly, the door opened and a sleazy-looking man strode in. ‘Alright, boys. It’s showtime!’


Seven men had already gone and it was down to John and Sherlock. The detective lolled in his seat, bored. John straightened his waistcoat one last time, just as the emcee began his introduction.

‘Any of you beautiful ladies feeling a bit dizzy? Well, hold on to something, we’ve got ourselves a doctor to take care of you!’

John couldn’t help the flush that rose up the back of his neck and filled his face. The emcee milked the gasps and oohs, hamming it up right before the introduction.

‘The famous Doctor John Watson!’ 

John stepped out onto the makeshift stage to thunderous applause and immediately found himself the prey of many a hungry eye. Searching the room, he caught Mary’s gaze. She was giggling behind her champagne glass at his discomfort and he narrowed his eyes accusingly at her.

Beside her, Molly Hooper was graciously holding back her laughter. 

The emcee’s ridiculous pitch was almost instantly interrupted when an older woman in the front raised her paddle and bellowed, ‘200 pounds!’

‘Wow, thank you ma’am!’ The emcee recovered quickly. ‘But surely a date with the famous blogger warrants more than 200 pounds for the Children’s wing. Do I hear 300?’

‘Oh yes!’ A curvaceous woman from the back called out, raising her paddle and waggling her fingers. She batted her eyes at John and gave him a salacious wink. 

John swallowed nervously and looked to Mary for help, who had abandoned all attempts to hide her mirth and was leaning on Molly, both of them laughing uproariously.

The bidding rapidly rose and, to John’s great relief, an older woman in the front row won him for 800 pounds. She smiled sweetly at him and he hopped down from the stage. 

‘You looked mighty frightened there, my dear,’ she said as she shook his hand.

John chuckled. ‘Some of those women looked ready to devour me whole. I thank you for saving me, Mrs Holmes.’

Winking cheekily at him, she patted his cheek. ‘Anytime, love.’

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Karl Pilkington Starters
  • It's like a pylon.
  • Get that down, its a deathtrap!
  • You've never been to China.
  • ...but it’s all about ‘a gorilla and a fox are walking thru the woods.’ How often does that happen?
  • That's the problem with them fables, they're putting animals together that wouldn't meet. I don't know where a scorpion is knockin' around with a frog.
  • Well...like, when you're born, you're a little baby, you're wrinkly and stuff, when you get older you sort of morph into a baby again...
  • By 78 you've done everything you're going to do. If you haven't bungee-jumped by the time you're 78 you're not going to do it.
  • All I'm saying is that old people need to be old people.
  • You need oldness. You need to see old people.
  • Well you look 78!
  • Stop looking at the walls, look out the window.
  • If I was Noah, I would have gone, Hang on a minute, I've just seen somethin' that looks a bit like this, let it drown, have a bit of a clear out, but he was messin' about savin' everythin'
  • Why didn't evolution make a giraffe good at carpentry so it could build a ladder?
  • You know how they say people have six senses? There's loads more than that. The ability to feel someone looking at you, that's been around since man and dinosaur were knockin' about.
  • We came from the sea originally, now we're going back in it. Don't go in it, unless you're in a boat.
  • On identical twins - You always get a little snidey one.
  • On dopplegangers - How would I know which one I was?
  • It would only get me into trouble won't it? Because people won't believe there's another one like me.
  • Otherwise everyone would be saying that when they get caught robbing, they go Oh it wasn't me it was me doppleganger.
  • Does the brain control you or are you controlling the brain? I don't know if I'm in charge of mine.
  • Did I tell you about the immune system?
  • He got hot, he got so hot his lips fell off.
  • I came up with a good idea....see through skin
  • I find that if you just talk, your mouth comes up with stuff.
  • If you don't sleep you get run down. Sloths never get a flu, cos its good innit thats when your body's replenishing
  • As long as you're rememberin' baby Jesus, does it matter when you're rememberin' 'im
  • That's what I'm saying about Christmas, I might not be in the mood for it
  • The first time you watch it you'll probably cry a bit. The second time you watch it you will probably think - boy that would be bad having a head like that being picked on - the third time you are probably thinking, er, how does he get his jumper on, er, then dunno probably bored of it the fourth time. But, but it's well worth watching.
  • The Elephant Man would never have gotten up and gone, ‘Oh, God. Look at me hair today.’
  • Treat the world like a head
  • We're just a weed in the universe
  • I could eat a knob at night.
  • Hummus isn't a meal
  • Hypothetical: Shipwrecked and eating a penis- ...I'll look for something else. We're surrounded by water. Why are we eating knob?
  • Where you are is what you eat. When I'm in London I'll have beans on toast for lunch. On holiday — what? Tapas? Go on then I'll have a bit. You eat whatevers in that area.
  • Whether it's a potato or a nut, it's a foodage!
  • Read about a pub which is gettin' some stick 'cause its stopped a horse goin' in. Its been the horse' regular for ages, but some new owners have taken over the pub and they said they're servin' fresh food and don't want a horse in there anymore
  • I look at life like a big book and sometimes you get half way through it and go 'Even though I've been enjoying it, I've had enough. Give us another book'
  • I'm just sayin', I don't like fun
  • They say it all started out with a big bang. But, what I wonder is, was it a big bang or did it just seem big because there wasn't anything else drown it out at the time?
  • I dont know her, there's only so much you can say to a stranger.
  • I think some bacteria have better lives
  • What's that plate that's above a saucer but below a plate?
  • Yeah but everyone was a saint years ago, that seemed to be thrown about back then. Who's a saint now, in this year, who's a saint?
  • It’s just hassle of having friends and family
  • The world is getting more and more scruffier
  • You won't get anything done by planning.
  • Any problem solved is a new problem made.
  • I've met a few little people in my time.
  • I met a little fella once and he was alright.
  • Turns out it was another load of monkeys from another part of the island...from the rough bit...
  • Apparently you're not allowed to lick a toad's back.
  • So I was watchin David Attenborough..
  • At what point is a wasp ever going to have a chat with a spider?
  • At no point am I going to lick a little frogs head.
  • I'd kick it, and I'd say 'You knob-head'
  • In the sea you've got to be constantly sort of alert.
  • In the sea you've got an enemy behind every rock.
  • Get rid of some of the fish and the water will drop. Simple. Basic science.
  • People moan about drugs being tested on animals. I sort of think it depends innit. If the drug's aspirin and the monkey's got a headache, is it right?
  • A dog has got human eyes.
  • I saw a cockroach playing Pacman
  • I've been watchin birds more than insects recently, and the thing I've found with pigeons is, they've got wings but they walk a lot
  • Don't be chucking that out. You might need that later
  • If you live in a glass house, don't be chucking stuff about
  • People who live in a glass house have to answer the door
  • You don't have to do it straight away, but just do it before it gets really bad
  • Neil Armstrong, that spaceman, he went to the moon but he ain't been back. It can't have been that good.