“until you start seeing a therapist and get the help you need, i think we should take a break”
‘well, t—–, we might as well call it off now because im not going to’
i dont know how long wed been dating; close to a year, i think. she was the first person id ever honestly loved. first serious relationship after a slew of awkward ones. she was kind and caring beyond reason and she loved me of all people. which was the most baffling thing about our entire relationship.
picture a disney princess; that was her. beautiful, kind, energetic, crazy ambition. really creative. wonderful writer.
then picture a really destructive sid vicious kind of guy.; thats the type of person i was when i was dating her
underage, i was drinking and doing drugs and she didnt like that, but didn’t stop me. shed just say be careful. one night we’re up late just talking and she asks me to tell her about my life and stuff. she wanted to know everything about me. i made the mistake of telling her.
she looked at me different after that. started connecting my drug use and alcoholism to things my dad had done to me as a kid but i kept telling her over and over i was over all that shit. i guess i kinda lost myself towards the end of it. i was angry a lot because all she’d talk about afterwards was how she thought i could use a therapist. all she wanted to do was help.
she was like the warm yellow light that poured over everything she loved, and i was the grey ice water trying to drown her.
id like to say that it was for the greater good. she wasnt right with me, i wasnt good for her. she was perfect. i was a punk. i realized that. i want to say that i let her go because i knew shed be better off, but the truth is, i just dont like being told what to do; especially when people use themselves like that.
that was the last message we sent each other. a few weeks later we kind of awkwardly met again and talked and by that point we were already strangers, even when she started to cry and say she wished we could get back together. i said i wished we could too but i knew that the same things that had made me begin to resent her would make me angry with her again since i was so against her aid.
that was roughly 7 years ago. i still think about her from time to time, even though im in a really good relationship right now. id just like to know how shes doing and hope shes okay and where she wants to be in life. she deserves that much, i think.