and i still look 13

I started testosterone injections in June of 2016.

Now, that was a huge accomplishment for me, but it was also the beginning of me having to navigate uncharted territory.

Most of the changes were smooth.

Voice cracks, body hair, bottom growth, acne,

The usual trans guy on T cocktail.

But come August I was rocking a crustache that should never have seen the light of day.

You know what I’m talking about,

When the hair on your lip is dark and in a really thin line,

And it kinda looks like you drank really rich hot chocolate and didn’t wipe your mouth.

Yeah, that.

It was approximately 2 in the morning when I noticed this atrocity on my face.

I was taking selfies and binge watching Netflix.

At first I was so excited.

It was like-

OH! I am a Man now!

There is hair on my face!

It didn’t totally register that I still looked like I was 13 years old  until I got to the bathroom and viewed it in good lighting.

I knew I needed to remove it from my face.

But faces are weird, and I had no fucking clue how to shave one.

I hadn’t shaved any part of my body in years.

I had only ever removed hair from my legs and my armpits and it always happened in the shower with a bright pink razor that had soap around the edges.

This was a different ball game. Faces aren’t even shaped like legs or armpits or vaginas.

The edges are more sharp and curves are different.

And the razors are different too.

There was a blue razor in my bathroom.

It belonged to my father.

It wasn’t the first time this razor had been in my hands, but it was the first time it was going to touch my face.

The blades were already familiar with my skin from late nights of cutting and crying and other things I don’t want to admit that I did.

Using a razor to shave was new to me.

You know, most boys have a father to teach them how to shave when the time comes.

I had a father too, but he didn’t think I was his son,

And he sure as hell wasn’t gonna teach his daughter how to shave her face at two-o-clock in the morning on a Wednesday.

So, naturally, I turned to the most masculine person I know.

He is 6’2”, an athlete, a huge dork, and he has killer facial hair.

No, really. He honestly looks hot as fuck and rocks everything he has.

But he also shaves.

So my dumb ass snapchats this boy at 2 in the morning.

I sent him a black photo with the caption

“Can you teach me to shave?”

While I was waiting for a response, I cried.

The last time I held a razor in my hands I destroyed my body.

This time, I’m building it up.

I slice my skin because I hate the body I was given,

And this time I’m shaving to embrace what my body can do.

It’s so fucking weird.

He responds with

“You get a razor and move it over the hair and it goes away you dipshit”

So I did.

But I definitely did not do it right.

I came out of it with the hair gone, but with blood running down my face and red marks under my nose.

No one told me that you had to use shaving cream AND water.

No one told me a lot of things about being a boy.

I covered up the gash in my face with makeup until it went away.

I felt dirty.

I felt like I was doing something wrong,

Like I needed to hide.

I thought I was done hiding.

I was so ashamed that I didn’t know what I was doing

And I was mad that I couldn’t ask my father for help

And I was sad that I never got to experience this the way so many other boys get to.

I taught myself to hide again.

But my friend made me stop sitting on my ass feeling sorry for myself.

He sent me step by step videos of himself shaving

So I could follow along the next time I had to.

My best friend was a stand in for my asshole father

And he taught me to love my body.

My body with the too big boobs

And the micro penis that is my clitoris

And the new hair

And the voice cracks

And everything else that comes along with my physical being.

As the gash in my face healed, so did my confidence.

I knew very well that I was an idiot who didn’t know to use shaving cream,

But I also knew that teenage boys are generally idiots,

So I was right where I was supposed to be.


Crustache by Emmett

12:09 P.M

You, 12:09 P.M
yoonoh. Love of my life. Boyfriend. Best friend. Greatest man I’ve ever known ;;;;

some short jjh texts for all you jaehoes out there, especially jaehoe prez @chittaporno. i was at the dentist and that is what inspired this plus dev getting her wisdom teeth out recently. enjoy.

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Can’t Act Anymore//Jace Wayland Imagine

The second you saw golden blonde hair and the Jace Wayland’s arm on Alec’s shoulder,youknew that something went wrong on a mission that day.You suddenly started to run to them after you whispered Jace’s name.When you arrived where they were,Alec couldn’t resist on Jace’s weight so Jace struggled with walking.But you hardly grabbed him so he didn’t fall.

‘’What happened?’’You asked to Alec while Jace was breathing fastly but weaker.

‘’The demon pushed him against the wall.While doing that demon’s claw cut his chest.He lost a lot of blood but I somehow managed to stop the bleeding before he passed out-‘’

You grabbed Jace and he started lying on the flor but you grabbed his head and put it on your lap.He hardly opened his eyes.

‘’Y/N?’’He whispered.’’I’m okay…’’

‘’Not now but you will be.’’You said erasing the dirt on his forehead.You looked at how much pain he had and that destroyed you.After 4 years of liking him afar and him not knowing it killed you inside but seeing him in pain literally destroyed you.

He smiled weakly then held your hand.

‘’Let’s take him to the infirmary room Alec.Come on.’’You said letting his head go softly.Alec grabbed him and you called Izzy while you were going to the infirmary room.

After calling Silent Brothers for help and 2 hours of treatment,Jace was put in sleep,and carried to his room.You refused to go back to your room and went to his.

You sat next to him for hours,just watching him while he’s asleep.His blonde hair shined and all you wanted to do was stroking it.So you did.

3 hours later Jace opened his eyes.

‘’Y/N?Why are you here?I’m okay.’’He said looking at you.

‘’I know,I just wanted to be here.I couldn’t sleep,I was worried about you.’’

‘’I know how that feels.’’He said.’’It happens to me too when I’m worried about you.’’

You gave him a confused look.When he’s worried about you?’’Wha-‘’

He cut you off.’’Nevermind,can you help change this bandage?It’s already way too bloody.’’

‘’Yeah sure.’’You got a new bandage from his nightstand and started to remove the ol done.While you removing the bandage,you gave yourself time to look at him.You looked at his runes,scars,abs.You realized that you loved every inch of him unconditionally.The time you have given yourself ended with Jace grabbing your hand.

‘’I’m sorry,I can’t do this.’’He said.

‘’What?’’

‘’I can’t just sit here acting like I’m chill while you’re so close to me.I can’t act like I don’t feel anything while everywhere you touch tingles.I’m sorry,I can’t act anymore.’’

You were still next to him on his bed on your knees.You hand was so close to his cheek and he was still holding it.The things he said made you frozen and the only thing you could say was ‘’Then don’t.’’

The second you said that he smashed his lips into yours after looking at them for a good ten seconds.You wrapped your arms around his neck and wrapped his around your waist.That’s what his lips tasted like you thought.The question you spend thinking about it for ours was answered.

When you pulled away from the kiss,he was still holding you close to his body.

‘’The moment that I saw you,4 years ago when you came to instutute,I thought that I never saw nobody sparkled the way you did.And 4 years later,still to this day,you are the only thing shining to my eyes.’’He said whispering.

‘’I remember that day.One of the most unforgettable days in my life.Sometimes when I look at you I still see that bold blond 13 year old dude who I fell in love with.And after 4 years I still love you just like the moment I saw you.’’

‘’I love you too.’’He said before giving you a soft kiss and smile.Looking at those beautiful eyes without trying to avoid them was all you’ve ever wanted in life and you got it

Jace Wayland has been always unpredictable.He would go to missions without saying anything or asking permission.He would break the rules every once in a while even without thinking.But you would always be there to pack him up when he did something wrong.

I’m the princemarxfucker of Lon’qu-thirsters. Make no mistake. I will fight anyone who thinks of Lon’qu as anything less than thE BEST husband I will fight you regardless because I get embarrassingly jealous over Lon’qu  I   w i l l  f i g h t

working out the deets of my bnha pro hero’s quirk

her name is shirudo euna! full profile to follow soon~

Streets

Just for fun, let’s do one where we pretend that the Warehouse came back from the explosion and everybody lived happily ever after… this can probably go into my “they made Helena a Regent” bucket. For some vague sense of consistency. Anyway, if that had happened, some agent and some Regent might have gone on vacation together every now and then. But just because you’re living happily ever after in a general sense, that doesn’t mean your vacation will go as planned, right? This should be another one that’s reasonably short and, one hopes, a bit sweet: an interrupted vacation, an artifact, maybe a friendly wager. People talk to each other. Nothing of great import. (This is in fact for @blackfoxreddog​. Down payment of sorts on an IOU.)

Streets

It is not, Helena tries to admonish herself into believing, that she minds seeing Pete and Claudia. It is not that at all. It is not even that she minds eating lunch with Pete and Claudia, despite the abysmal table manners exhibited by both of them. It is simply that she and Myka have been alone for four days, and had anticipated being alone for four more. Yet here Pete and Claudia are.

She hears Myka tell them, “San Francisco is lovely. We’re enjoying it.”

“San Francisco is lovely,” Helena affirms. “We are enjoying it.”

They gaze across the table at Pete and Claudia, who both wince. Claudia says, “If you’re gonna be all weird and formal, you should’ve just told us to buzz off. We would’ve understood.”

“That would have been impolite,” Helena points out.

Pete snorts. “Like that ever stops you.”

Helena entertains the notion of proving his point by stabbing him with her butter knife, but Myka grabs her arm and says, “It’s just that, you know, we’d sort of gotten out of the whole Warehouse… thing.”

“It’s not like anybody planned that ping in Cupertino,” Claudia says. “And you should probably be happy that Artie didn’t make you two take care of it, seeing as how you were already left-coastally located.”

“We’re on vacation. We wouldn’t have taken care of it,” Myka tells Claudia. Helena is gratified by the speed with which that response came. She sets her butter knife down and takes Myka’s hand. She is gratified once again by the speed with which a smile engulfs Myka’s face.

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Five things tag!

I was tagged by my two of my queens @leelakoiwolff & @newjapan. I am so unreliable with these things but it’s a day later and I am finally getting around to doing it, so here we go!

five things you’ll find in my bag:

  1. Gum, I always have gum because I’m a socially awkward human being and chewing gum helps distract me from the crippling anxiety I feel in certain situations and gives me fresh breathe.
  2. Headphones, I listen to music 99% of the time and I feel lost without headphones especially when I’m exploring or on a trip by myself. Also helpful for when I want to avoid social interaction (I’m so anti-social)
  3. Wallet, I always carry around my wallet even when I’m broke as fuck because I always need ID now that I’m 18 in New Zealand because I literally still look and feel like I’m 13 (literally how am I a legal adult)
  4. Cigarettes, It’s not a habit I would encourage anyone to pick up and if you’re triggered stop reading here. I use cigarettes as a way of coping with anxiety or emotions when I feel like I’m on the verge of breaking down, they’re my way of calming myself down without physically leaving a scar. 
  5. Journal & Pen, I’m a massive poetry writer and I find it easy to just write my thoughts down whenever I’m on a long bus ride or I’m out alone at the park. 

five things you’ll find in my room

  1. Candles, I need candles.
  2. A pile of my journals & artbooks
  3. My piano
  4. Hoodies
  5. Bed (I spend more of my time there than anywhere else)

five things I’ve always wanted to do:

  1. Go to Japan!
  2. Get a puppy
  3. Attend a NJPW show (was wwe but yeah nah)
  4. Travel around South America
  5. Get my poems published (lol I probably won’t happen)

five things that make me happy:

  1. Writing
  2. Wrestling 
  3. Puppies
  4. Los Ingobernables de Japon
  5. My friends (on here & irl) and my family

fives things I’m currently into:

  1. SANADA (have you seen that boy)
  2. Sigur Ros 
  3. J Balvin
  4. Photography
  5. Music (always but I can’t think of anymore)

five things on my to-do list:

  1. Lose some weight & attempt to get fit
  2. Start wrestling training in 2018
  3. Graduate High School (final year this year)
  4. Get a job because being a broke bitch ain’t fun
  5. Attend a concert (I love them)

I tag: @sammiielli @theelitevillian @bushitetsuya @breadclubrising @baleesi @lambchopviking @fullmetalturtle @spiteandsparkles @nikkisflair @asylumxclub @kazuchika

anonymous asked:

Getting extremely tried of Louis always being unhappy with whatever Zayn does or doesn't or did. Just move on man.

Well, as with any break-up, it takes time to heal. But I read the gif I posted quite differently.

Here’s Louis (below) pretty much the entire time Liam was talking about Zayn. Liam said, in part, “It was [Zayn’s] decision in the end, and he made it for the right reasons for himself. If he didn’t feel he could do this anymore, and wanted to take a break, and do something himself – that’s absolutely fine, everyone deserves the right to do so, and we wish him the best of luck.”

But then the interviewer said:  “Have you guys ever felt like that?

Like you wanna [stop],

— I mean, you’ve been doing this for five years,

always [working], all the time —”

And that’s why Louis looked so uncomfortable.  xx

(I’m sorry that wasn’t clear with the single gif I posted.)

anonymous asked:

my mother was in the room when i was raped and knew it was happening but she was more interested in drugs than she was in me. I know she was addicted, but that can't be an excuse can it? I was 5. I'm 17 now and I've never told anyone about it, nor have I addressed her about it. I moved out of her house fully and moved in with my grandparents when I was 13 for other reasons, but I still have to look her in the face once a week and it still makes me feel ill. How can I deal with it? I can't do it

that’s a really hard situation and I’m so sorry. i would recommend talking to your mother about it if at all possible, just to clarify whether she was truly aware that happened or not. this sounds like someone you two need to talk about if at all possible.

i wouldn’t say her being on drugs is an excuse to let you get raped at all. that’s fucking awful, whether she was aware or not. so your feelings toward her actions are one hundred percent valid and you have every right to be angry and upset with her.