and i only burned myself like twice

Phoenix Wright/Ace Attorney Sentence Starters
  • “Don’t think I’m going to walk in your shadow forever… Our battle… begins now… so you had better prepare yourself.”
  • “Why can’t we have a normal, straightforward killing once in awhile in this country!?”
  • “Yeah, but that’s the problem… She is so mean. And that whip… That thing hurts. It really hurts.”
  • “Sometimes Life Just sucks”
  • “It seems like it was only yesterday. Actually, it was only yesterday.”
  • “I spent a whole day looking for my dentures. They turned out to be in my mouth all along.”
  • “Thanks to you, I’m saddled with unnecessary… feelings.”
  • “Men are like colonies of bacteria. The more heat you apply, the faster they grow.”
  • “We were great together! We were Romeo and Juliet, Cleopatra and Mark Anthony!”
  • “No “but”-ing your way out of this one”
  • “You fight to the very end, even when you know the truth is not with you”
  • “It must be nice to live so free of guilt.”
  • “You’re too young to die!”
  • “Isn’t violence against hair a crime?”
  • “You need to stop judging things based on narrow-minded cultural assumptions.”
  • “She’d never do anything like that! You hear me?! Never! She’s a great kid, and really cute… And really great… And cute.”
  • “Someone has to look out for the people who have no one on their side.”
  • “Every time you do it, I have a mini-heart attack. It’s like you’re trying to kill me, pal.”
  • “Proof enough for you, (insert name here)? Or should I say… Mr(s). Did It!”
  • “It is kinda cool though. I wouldn’t mind having a whip myself. I bet cracking that whip on you once or twice would be just what the doctor ordered!”
  • “Now I’m definitely up the creek without a paddle… or a life jacket”
  • “If you keep on barking at me like that, I’ll start singing at the top of my lungs!”
  • “When you’ve run into a wall with no place to go, return to the basics.”
  • “Should I be grateful this coffee’s only hot enough to give me 1st degree burns…?”
  • “Wait, what if the killer was a robot?”
  • “You look as though you’ve seen a ghost!”
  • “I was hoping I’d come up with a question while pounding on my desk.”
  • “Knowing her, the only kind of talking she likes to do is with her whip.”
  • “A “human machine”!? That’s a contradiction!“
  • "I guess putting a poster of a magician in a law office is kinda strange.”
  • “Their debut single was just 2 minutes and 15 seconds long? What a rip-off!”
  • “So that’s why everyone craves about caviar! It’s so tasty it hurts!”
  • “The truth has once again been elegantly revealed to me!”
  • “I have a separate stomach for sweets!”
  • “Our job is to find truth, no matter how painful it may be.”
  • “To err is human, to forgive, divine. Humans aren’t machines… they have souls, feelings. They live, they die, they love, they hate… And yes, they even make mistakes…”
  • “Also, hopefully you realize, things change depending on how you look at them.”
  • “The truth is… when I was a little boy… I wanted to be a wizard.”
  • “Blacker than a moonless night, hotter and more bitter than hell itself… That is coffee.”
  • “We agree there is a lunchbox here, but we don’t know what’s inside! A person’s life is like a lunchbox with pretzels. Don’t you agree?”
  • “A muddy mudskipper in outer space has a better chance of surviving than I do”
  • “What’s the difference? They do the same thing, right? I think you should stick to the basic facts of the matter”
  • “I believe the correct term here is "You fail!”“
  • "I like a man with a big… vocabulary.”
  • “If you wish to hang yourself, (insert name here), you’re welcome to, but not inside my (insert location here).”
  • “Ah, I remember when I was young and in love. Oh, it was a jolly time.”
  • “It’s never a good idea to reveal your hand to the enemy too soon.”
  • “I try not to pay much attention to things that don’t interest me.”
  • “Words can not describe how screwed I am.”
  • “Lies always beget more lies! See through one, and their whole story falls apart!”
  • “Why do I come here to the office every day ? It’s not like I want to work.”
  • “You’re saying that if something isn’t normal, it simply isn’t possible?”
  • “You can’t just go saying "pal” like that! That’s MY endearing character trait!“
  • "Times may change but people sadly do not.”
  • “Uh oh, she’s really pissed this time!”
  • “What’s it to you, porcupine-head!?”
  • “The guilty will always lie, to avoid being found out. There’s no way to tell who is guilty and who is innocent!”
  • “I think I feel a migraine coming on…”
  • “You want more pressure, huh? Why don’t you go down to the fire department and have them spray you with the hose?”
  • “This person… I haven’t got a clue. He seems to know me but maybe he’s mistaking me for someone else?”
  • “You will sick down the penalty (insert name here)… and you will like it!”
  • “It seems (insert name here) has lost his confidence along with their hair…”
  • “Hey! I don’t have anything to do with spirit power. The only thing I can channel is a TV.”
  • “I think it’s high time you went shopping for a better excuse…?”
  • “I was hoping to come up with a question while I was objecting”
  • “Cry and my whip will accommodate.”
  • “People are like books. We’ve all got a front and a back. You get my drift?”
  • “Let’s go let her whip us”
  • “I’ll have you know I like strawberries much better than bananas.”
  • “My motto is: ‘Don’t worry, be happy!’”
  • “Sounds like they’re having a spat. One of those "differences in musical direction” bands are always splitting up over.“
  • "She’s either trying to make it grow… or she’s perfecting her water torture technique.”
  • “See that innocent smile? Everyone has a different way of breaking the news”
  • “Now, now, let’s all be one big happy family, OK?”

**trigger warning for self harm, suicide, mentions of emotional abuse***

There aren’t many posts (that I’ve seen) that talk about what happens when you are Autistic and people label you gifted, or a savant, or a prodigy, or any other terms similar to those. So, I’m going to talk about it, but here’s a quick disclaimer:

I wholeheartedly believe that IQ is inaccurate and discriminates against those who are not verbal, do not come from a background which provides typical academic education (i.e., those who live in poverty), and those whose skills lie outside of the bounds of spatial, verbal, auditory processing, and written comprehension. I also believe that labels such as savant, gifted, and prodigy are often used in an elitist manner to say that “these Autistics are okay because they can do ___ and have contributed heavily to society in a manner deemed profitable and/or productive"or are otherwise misapplied by outsiders to discredit those who are on the spectrum but are verbal or deemed of higher intelligence. That being said, this is an account of my personal experiences and beliefs and these viewpoints do not ring true for everyone.

So. My original diagnosis was Aspergers Syndrome, which is the exact same thing as Autism, the only difference in criteria is that those diagnosed with Aspergers Servers and not Autism were verbal before age three. This diagnosis was later re classified as Autism spectrum disorder after the publication of the DSM-V.

As a child, I spoke very early on. I mean, I was speaking full sentences by the time I was two. One of the things I remember is my fascination with colors. I memorized all of the crayola crayon names, and when I went to daycare as a little toddler we would all go over colors. But when the lady pointed out colors and all of the other kids would say “red” or “blue,” I’d say “burnt sienna” or “turquoise” or something more specific for each hue. I LOVED colors, and coloring, even if I did do it outside of the lines.

My parents noticed Autistic traits very early on with me as well. I didn’t socialize with other children, I played off by myself. I cried and screamed when certain smells, tastes, or clothing entered my environment. I had horrible meltdowns where I would become a danger to myself: I’d pull out my hair, or bang my head on a wall, or claw at myself. I had echolalia as well; teachers and kids would get mad at me because I kept making cat noises or repeating things over and over. I had such a hard time holding pencils and writing that I had to get special permission to type my assignments. I actually could not read until second grade, because i couldn’t put sounds with letters on a page. So all of these things led my parents to taking me to several psychologists and specialists, after which I received my diagnosis.

When I got older, academics became more important. I was a very curious child, and I loved to learn. My interests were strange for my age, I was fascinated by microbiology and diseases and insects and animals. I learned names of bacteria and their different strains, I watched videos on different species of spiders, I learned about diseases and medical conditions, which I memorized. I was prone to infodumping on unsuspecting strangers (my favorite story about that is a cashier in Publix who offered me hand sanitizer while my mom was paying for groceries. I looked at her very gravely, and starting warning her about the dangers of stapholoccocus and streptoloccocus, and how important it is to wash your hands and clean open wounds. My mom finally told me that that was enough, but the cashier thought it was the neatest thing ever. Fun fact: she went on to become best friends with my mother, and they keep in touch to this day.)

In third grade, people started to notice that I was ahead of other kids my age in acedemics. I was given my first IQ test, just to see where I was. I didn’t know it was an IQ test at the time, but I took it. I found out the results years later: at age nine, I had an IQ of 136.

Everyone labelled me gifted, prodigy, etc. It felt nice, encouraging even, to an Autistic kid who kept getting picked on or slammed around and ostracized by the other students. But it started a cycle that I didn’t recognize until many years later.

When I got to high school, I was awarded all sorts of things relating to standardized test scores and academic achievement. They gave me another IQ test at 16, and by that time my IQ was 146.

With all of this however, I still faced difficulties related to my Autism, amplified by ignorant teachers and school officials.
I can’t drive, and I had a very hard time in math and science because of my spatial and visual processing disability, and I had a hard time writing and copying from the board because of my impaired fine motor skills along with the aforementioned disability. I also had (still have) problems talking aloud to other students or teachers, due to severe anxiety, and also following verbal directions (which got me into several less than savory situations regarding my commitment to class and my supposed lack of self advocacy. Ironically, I had an IEP which required teachers, by federal law, to comply with accommodations, including printing all directions and assignments and clarifying these things with me after class. Every time they broke that law, it was blamed on my lack of advocacy, or initiative. Even when I called for meetings, or spoke up for myself, or informed teachers repeatedly of my IEP and disability. Several teachers flat out refused to follow it and said that it was just a disciplinary issue. Others asked what would happen to me in college, in “the real world,” to which my mother retorted that I would always need some level of assistance and that they should be ashamed for trying to frighten her kid like that, like everyone was just going to abandon me in adulthood.)

I had severe problems with self esteem and self worth. I always accused people of lying when they said I was special or smart. My main issue though, was that i felt like if I wasn’t deemed smart or gifted, that I would just be broken and everyone would toss me aside and hurt me, at least, more than they already had in the past. I grew up thinking that I was obligated to redeem myself, to “make up” for being Autistic. I thought that “gifted” was the only worthwhile thing about me.

My mental health worsened too. I had started cutting and burning myself in middle school, it got worse as I got older. I starved myself in high school. I had tried to kill myself twice by the time I turned 16, and was rushed to the ER after a violent meltdown which resulted in a deep wound on my arm that required 7 stitches.

All of this could be traced back to feeling like I was, well, a piece of shit. And to the emotional abuse I endured at the hands of teachers, and the things kids did to me to mess with me, the things people whispered about me, the way they looked at me, the way my parents looked at each other. The ignorance and cruelty of people around me. Their unwillingness to listen to me, to accommodate me. Their willingness to turn away in the midst of hatred and prejudice. I began to hate them.

On bad days, I want to give up trying to explain all of this and Autism and just resign myself to the fact that nobody will ever accept and accomodate me the way I am, much less love me. I say I should just accept that I’ll probably always be at the mercy of other people, I’ll probably be abused all over again. I tell myself I’m better than them anyway, that I’m gifted and they aren’t. I try and fail to believe that lie. Those days…I try to just hide in my house and stay silent.

But the worst part of all of this, was that whenever I tried to talk about any I’d it, about “gifted” being used to ignore an obvious disability, I’d get dismissed as high functioning, or I’d be reprimanded for being ungrateful for my talents.

I got labelled gifted, and suddenly it didn’t feel like a compliment anymore, but a threat. A disavowal. Shackles of an obligation to be normal, but also smart enough to be beneficial to society, to make up for all the things they have to deal with to accommodate me.

Now, I think that “gifted” is such a flat way of looking at things. I think that it only serves to label someone high functioning, so the people in charge can ignore any of their inaccessibility or ignorance when confronted by the person being hurt by it. I think that gifted is too often used as a measure of value, and is too often misaligned with merit. What about creativity? Dedication? Perseverance? Kindness? Open-mindedness? The most important qualities have no ruler to measure by.

I think “gifted” can go die in a hole. I’m not gifted. I’m ME. I’m curious, I’m dedicated, I’m strongwilled, I’m defiant, I’m kind, I’m compassionate, and I’m Autistic. And I make no apologies.

Oof, I’m definitely burning out on Inktober. I’ve been having to push myself to really draw this week since all I can think about are the other projects I want to poke at… I’ve only got so much time and energy to devote to creative endeavors each day though! >>;

Anyway, have another Risu! It sure is easy to steal your not-boyfriend’s clothes when he’s twice your size.
Don’t ask how she’s sitting like this, I couldn’t fix the sketch enough to have it all make sense and I couldn’t make myself care enough either. That’s what happens when you’re running on fumes, fam.

art-only blog

One time I was supposed to go to a conference two days after the most agonizing exam of my math career, which came at the end of my most stressful semester to date… but instead I got my plane ticket refunded, stayed home and went to bed early so I could get up in time to catch the matinee showing of Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them. I went to different movie theaters every day because I didn’t want to get recognized since I was pretty much the only person in the theater at that time (and because I definitely went twice on some days). 

And you know what? It fixed me. I was so worn down to the point of tears a few days ago, and now I can’t wait for next semester to start. 

I have never once worried about burning out in grad school, and this is why. I refuse to let myself stay broken for too long. I’m not afraid to let myself crash like the Hindenburg when all the work is done. I know the difference between exams I must pass and a conference that is a benefit but not a necessity. Do not mistake this for the destructive fire of defeat; It is the alchemical flame of rebirth, of healing, of being taken apart in order to be built into something better. I have seen how formidable the pressures of this path can be, and I do not underestimate how much worse they will be in the future, but I have taught myself to trust me to heal whatever wounds this journey can inflict. It is with decisions like the one to stay home that I teach myself to trust myself. I have seen this discipline’s ability to test me to the breaking point, and I accept that sometimes I will break. However, I also trust that when I break I will fix me. I will put myself to bed early with a mug of warm milk and a good book. I will spend my conference money taking me to my new favorite movie as I many times as I care to see it, and until I am strong again. I fully trust that I will not let myself stay broken for one minute longer than necessary. That is why I do not fear whatsoever this journey has in store for me next. 

anonymous asked:

Hi Bre! I'm a huge fan of your writing -- honestly, you're one of my favorite authors! So, I have a prompt based on Emily's gym pics... AU Olicity meeting at a gym... Oliver notices her when she's doing squats. Or just anything where Oliver gets distracted by Felicity's ass lol

(Thank you so much, anon, that means the world to me! I was drafting this the night of V-Day, but I never finished it - better late than never!)

Valentine’s Day Gym Blues (Olicity, AU, Valentine’s Day)

“The burn is real!”

The words echoed through the empty gym just as Oliver left the men’s locker room. He paused, furrowing his brow at the ridiculous words, a smile tugging at his lips as it was quickly followed up with a…

“Send help!”

Oliver made his way to the main floor, peering around the corner to see who was talking - it was her

His heart skipped a beat or two, slamming into his chest plate with an alacrity that sent adrenaline flooding his veins. It’d started out so simple: she always wore tight, tight pants, usually compression pants that highlighted the very fine, very high and very firm curve of her ass and thighs. He wasn’t the only one who noticed and he knew he wouldn’t be the last - the woman spent most of her time doing squats and lunges and it showed. But he never did anything about it because being an ogling jerk was a reputation he’d been trying to abandon since he came back to Star City… but she hadn’t made it easy, not at all.

And it didn’t help in the damn least that she was so painfully adorable, that she had a grin that lit up the entire room, and that she made him smile at the most ridiculous things, whether it was her making faces at herself in the mirror as she lifted or talking to herself as she stretched.

He was trying to be single for a while.

Trying.

She wasn’t the typical woman he went after… that was what he told himself, over and over, as the weeks passed, as he kept seeing her and started noticing everything else about her, besides her amazing physique.

As he started developing a slight crush on her.

Slight crush.

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