I"m tired of feeling like I’m too much. Like I care too much. Like I drink too much. Like I love too much. Like I’m sad too much. Like I break too much. Like I push people away too much. Like I question everything too much. Like I fuck up too much. Like I fall in love too much. Like I blame myself too much. Like I eat too much. Like I feel alone too much. I just want someone to tell me, “You’re not too much for me to handle. You’re not too little. You’re perfect for me.” I wanna stop overflowing, I wanna just be. I want to feel wanted. I want to stop choosing people that try to fill their holes with pieces of me, because I’ll never fit right. I want someone who just wants me to be me.
do you know in the darkest hour part 2 when lancelot and merlin went back to the knights and arthur but lancelot walked in first solely to give arthur a panic attack that merlin was dead, only to have merlin walked up five seconds later?? what assholes. what honest to god jerks. i love it. they literally planned that out. they stood outside that ruined castle, about to walk in together, but then one of them was like “wait wait wait, hang on. dude. i got an idea. everyone will go crazy.” and i am willing to bet all the money i have on this earth that it was lancelot’s idea
Everyone said “never fall for your best friend, they’ll break you.” I was so naive to think I was different than them, now I sit here staring at the ceiling. Alone. I didn’t just lose love, I lost my very best friend, and my other half.
I miss talking to you. I miss laughing with you. I miss all our inside jokes, you being here for me, talking the whole day about whatever came to our minds, the not forced conversations and much more. I just miss you.
we’re friends, but, but not friends. friends but i still find myself on the phone with you every night, laughing at every joke you crack. friends but you still think of me before you go to sleep. friends but you still think i’m beautiful. friends but you still want your hands on my body. friends but always, always more than that.
This is me pouring out my love, not the kind you think of, the mushy gushy romanticized crap you want. No, this is raw, unadulterated affection for you and your soul.
For the purposes of this letter, I am going to disregard the fact that you are ignoring me and that we do not talk anymore. That is irrelevant. We have both argued, screamed, apologized, and cried to each other too many times to count. Even if we did still talk, I would be saying this to you, maybe in different words, but telling you all the same.
Since the very first day we became friends, you have been a constant in my life, a constant amidst the tumult and drama of high school. You listened to me and offered advice with your perspective that is so opposite mine. I love the way you live in the moment and risk the superficial things that I hold dear. Being your friend made me come to the profound realization that life is so much more than turning in homework on time and getting straight As. Because of you, if a friend needs me the night before a paper is due, I will be there for my friend (hopefully I wrote the paper ahead of time).
You were the glue that held my life together when I was on the brink of destruction. Everything in my world was falling apart, but you and your friendship remained. I took that for granted. You taught me the value of true friendship, even if it does not last. I hope that I meant something to you, that I somehow repaid in part what you had given to me in full.
To this day, I still look for you in the hallways and listen for your voice among the tenors in choir. Even when we see each other or talk, it is all superficial. We barely graze the surface of what once existed.
I hate superficiality.
After three years, how could we, how could I, throw it all away?
Losing your friendship has been a process more painful than any breakup. It feels as if someone has taken a part of me; there is a hole in my soul where you once were. As if the physical pain was not enough, the process of emotional detachment from you has been long and rocky. After weeks without thinking of you, a single song or a memory or a Bible verse makes me recall how much I care for you, still, after all this time.
You know more about me than any other person on this earth. And even though you leave me behind, you will carry pieces of me with you forever. Treasure them. I do not regret giving them to you, for I trust you will keep those pieces of me safe.
Life is too short to be silent about the ones we love. The other day, I was thinking about the people I will miss most in college, and as much as I love my friends, I will miss you the most. I already miss you. I suppose our separation is merely a preparation for what is to come.
This is not a cry for you to come back to me, nor an invitation for a pity party on my behalf. We both know that “us” would never have worked in our favor. I just wanted to let you know how much you mean to me, and how much pain I am enduring as you ignore my snapchats and avoid eye contact. But still, this is not me trying to guilt you or regain your attention.
This is me telling you that I love you. Not as a boyfriend or as a lover or even as a friend. I love you as a person. You are so extraordinarily special, and I am blessed to have spent so much time with you as my best friend. I wish it did not have to end.
I’ve missed hearing from you. But I really miss the days when I smiled whenever your name popped up on my phone’s screen. I just never thought that we could reach a point when the thought of you made me a little anxious.