and i miss their friendship

idk about you but i completely sold my soul to pd101 even without me realising i am still attached to that show i still miss getting spoilers, mini clips each week. i miss streaming every friday and cursing mnet. hearing always and the piano version of pick me still makes me so so emo i still miss all of the trainees being together i miss my ult friendship goals a.k.a. daniel x mini woojin i dont think i’ll ever get over it

I"m tired of feeling like I’m too much. Like I care too much. Like I drink too much. Like I love too much. Like I’m sad too much. Like I break too much. Like I push people away too much. Like I question everything too much. Like I fuck up too much. Like I fall in love too much. Like I blame myself too much. Like I eat too much. Like I feel alone too much. I just want someone to tell me, “You’re not too much for me to handle. You’re not too little. You’re perfect for me.” I wanna stop overflowing, I wanna just be. I want to feel wanted. I want to stop choosing people that try to fill their holes with pieces of me, because I’ll never fit right. I want someone who just wants me to be me.
—  I’m tired of collapsing

do you know in the darkest hour part 2 when lancelot and merlin went back to the knights and arthur but lancelot walked in first solely to give arthur a panic attack that merlin was dead, only to have merlin walked up five seconds later?? what assholes. what honest to god jerks. i love it. they literally planned that out. they stood outside that ruined castle, about to walk in together, but then one of them was like “wait wait wait, hang on. dude. i got an idea. everyone will go crazy.” and i am willing to bet all the money i have on this earth that it was lancelot’s idea

“Good Morning”
“How was your day?”
“Be careful”
“Text me when you get home so I know you’re safe”
“Sweet dreams”
“How are you?”
“I hope you’re feeling better”
“Have a good day today!”
“:)”
“I miss you”
“Good night”
“Can you come over?”
“Can I come over?”
“Can I see you?”
“Can I call you?”
“You’re beautiful”
“Want something to drink?”
“Watch your step”
“Let’s watch a movie”
“What are you up to?”
“How is your day so far?”
“It will be okay”
“I’m here for you”
“Do you need anything?”
“Are you hungry?”
“I just wanted to hear your voice”
“You just made my day”

You don’t have to hear “I Love You” to know that someone does. Listen carefully. People speak from the heart more often than you think.

—  Blocklava
Everyone said “never fall for your best friend, they’ll break you.” I was so naive to think I was different than them, now I sit here staring at the ceiling. Alone. I didn’t just lose love, I lost my very best friend, and my other half.
—  21:54//10/26/16
We keep on
exchanging
“I miss you"s,
and it’s funny
and it’s sad
how it seems
that none of us
did anything
just to see
each other again.
—  ma.c.a // Hurtful Lies
Don't you dare telling me that I was a bad friend, when even in my lowest moments I tried to put you back together even though I was broken into a million pieces.

so for the longest time I’ve enjoyed the way ngozi has given smh significant numbers for their jerseys. like how we all love that holster and ransom are 4-11 respectively because they quite literally give us the 411 on hockey shit in bitty’s first year.

but I only JUST noticed that shitty’s number is 42, which for all you non hitchiker fans out there, is the answer to the question “what is the meaning of life?”

this could either refer to the fact that shitty is a little existential (though he’s no johnson), and likes to answer questions about the world in a way smh giggles through with good-hearted amusement. or it could refer to the fact that shitty is one of jack’s few real friends, and certainly one of his first ones at samwell. he was responsible for getting jack a little more out of his shell, aggressively befriending him and making his life worthwhile again. so alternatively, the meaning of life is shitty - is friendship.

A Letter I Will Never Send

This is not a love letter.

This is me pouring out my love, not the kind you think of, the mushy gushy romanticized crap you want. No, this is raw, unadulterated affection for you and your soul.

For the purposes of this letter, I am going to disregard the fact that you are ignoring me and that we do not talk anymore. That is irrelevant. We have both argued, screamed, apologized, and cried to each other too many times to count. Even if we did still talk, I would be saying this to you, maybe in different words, but telling you all the same.

Since the very first day we became friends, you have been a constant in my life, a constant amidst the tumult and drama of high school. You listened to me and offered advice with your perspective that is so opposite mine. I love the way you live in the moment and risk the superficial things that I hold dear. Being your friend made me come to the profound realization that life is so much more than turning in homework on time and getting straight As. Because of you, if a friend needs me the night before a paper is due, I will be there for my friend (hopefully I wrote the paper ahead of time).

You were the glue that held my life together when I was on the brink of destruction. Everything in my world was falling apart, but you and your friendship remained. I took that for granted. You taught me the value of true friendship, even if it does not last. I hope that I meant something to you, that I somehow repaid in part what you had given to me in full.

To this day, I still look for you in the hallways and listen for your voice among the tenors in choir. Even when we see each other or talk, it is all superficial. We barely graze the surface of what once existed.

I hate superficiality.

After three years, how could we, how could I, throw it all away?

Losing your friendship has been a process more painful than any breakup. It feels as if someone has taken a part of me; there is a hole in my soul where you once were. As if the physical pain was not enough, the process of emotional detachment from you has been long and rocky. After weeks without thinking of you, a single song or a memory or a Bible verse makes me recall how much I care for you, still, after all this time.

You know more about me than any other person on this earth. And even though you leave me behind, you will carry pieces of me with you forever. Treasure them. I do not regret giving them to you, for I trust you will keep those pieces of me safe.

Life is too short to be silent about the ones we love. The other day, I was thinking about the people I will miss most in college, and as much as I love my friends, I will miss you the most. I already miss you. I suppose our separation is merely a preparation for what is to come.

This is not a cry for you to come back to me, nor an invitation for a pity party on my behalf. We both know that “us” would never have worked in our favor. I just wanted to let you know how much you mean to me, and how much pain I am enduring as you ignore my snapchats and avoid eye contact. But still, this is not me trying to guilt you or regain your attention.

This is me telling you that I love you. Not as a boyfriend or as a lover or even as a friend. I love you as a person. You are so extraordinarily special, and I am blessed to have spent so much time with you as my best friend. I wish it did not have to end.

But alas, all good things come to an end, right?