and i miss their friendship

"I saw this coming, but it's okay. We're on good terms."

Last messages I received from one of my ex-closest friends who decided let our friendship bleed to death after I joked about her and her new boyfriend. She never told me she did so because of that, even when I asked her upfront, but I know it was that. After not talking in months she contacts me again but I tell her off, that I have no interest in a friendship with her anymore. This is what she wrote me then, her final message. It’s brimming with embarrassment and that is so satisfying after months of chasing her to get this friendship back.

I do miss her, but I have self-worth.

do you know in the darkest hour part 2 when lancelot and merlin went back to the knights and arthur but lancelot walked in first solely to give arthur a panic attack that merlin was dead, only to have merlin walked up five seconds later?? what assholes. what honest to god jerks. i love it. they literally planned that out. they stood outside that ruined castle, about to walk in together, but then one of them was like “wait wait wait, hang on. dude. i got an idea. everyone will go crazy.” and i am willing to bet all the money i have on this earth that it was lancelot’s idea

I"m tired of feeling like I’m too much. Like I care too much. Like I drink too much. Like I love too much. Like I’m sad too much. Like I break too much. Like I push people away too much. Like I question everything too much. Like I fuck up too much. Like I fall in love too much. Like I blame myself too much. Like I eat too much. Like I feel alone too much. I just want someone to tell me, “You’re not too much for me to handle. You’re not too little. You’re perfect for me.” I wanna stop overflowing, I wanna just be. I want to feel wanted. I want to stop choosing people that try to fill their holes with pieces of me, because I’ll never fit right. I want someone who just wants me to be me.
—  I’m tired of collapsing
we’re friends, but, but not friends. friends but i still find myself on the phone with you every night, laughing at every joke you crack. friends but you still think of me before you go to sleep. friends but you still think i’m beautiful. friends but you still want your hands on my body. friends but always, always more than that.
—  4am

“Good Morning”
“How was your day?”
“Be careful”
“Text me when you get home so I know you’re safe”
“Sweet dreams”
“How are you?”
“I hope you’re feeling better”
“Have a good day today!”
“:)”
“I miss you”
“Good night”
“Can you come over?”
“Can I come over?”
“Can I see you?”
“Can I call you?”
“You’re beautiful”
“Want something to drink?”
“Watch your step”
“Let’s watch a movie”
“What are you up to?”
“How is your day so far?”
“It will be okay”
“I’m here for you”
“Do you need anything?”
“Are you hungry?”
“I just wanted to hear your voice”
“You just made my day”

You don’t have to hear “I Love You” to know that someone does. Listen carefully. People speak from the heart more often than you think.

—  Blocklava
We keep on
exchanging
“I miss you"s,
and it’s funny
and it’s sad
how it seems
that none of us
did anything
just to see
each other again.
—  ma.c.a // Hurtful Lies
Everyone said “never fall for your best friend, they’ll break you.” I was so naive to think I was different than them, now I sit here staring at the ceiling. Alone. I didn’t just lose love, I lost my very best friend, and my other half.
—  21:54//10/26/16
The more I think about this season...

the more I really wish Julie had taken this opportunity to replace Noora’s role this season with (girl) Chris.

Noora is one of my top favorite characters and I love her so much, but by giving Chris that role this season we would’ve been able to see so much more depth to Chris than her current stereotypical “fat” funny girl role. We could’ve heard about her relationship with Kasper and whether she’s moved on, how she may also feel like an “other” in their friend group because she’s not as vocal or involved, body positivity, etc. 

She would’ve been so understanding and such a good listener with Sana, I truly believe that, and she could’ve been Sana’s ally in investigating these shady Pepsi Max girls. 

I know she likes to party, but I feel like she’s being reduced to just another overweight funny party girl who contributes nothing more than comic relief (or silence when it comes to standing up for Sana), and we all know she’s capable of doing so much more than that. We also know that Noora would have had plenty of screen time regardless. 

Hopefully, the rest of the season gives us a bit more character development for everyone, especially Chris. My fingers are crossed.

Don't you dare telling me that I was a bad friend, when even in my lowest moments I tried to put you back together even though I was broken into a million pieces.
let me forget you.
your laughter haunts me
the pictures have dust.
i don’t want forgiveness
i don’t want to forgive you.

a lot got lost in translation
and i know we’re both angry
so please
don’t forgive me
i can’t forgive you.
but please,
stop making me remember.
—  j.e.b. ((i miss you but i’d never tell.))
A Letter I Will Never Send

This is not a love letter.

This is me pouring out my love, not the kind you think of, the mushy gushy romanticized crap you want. No, this is raw, unadulterated affection for you and your soul.

For the purposes of this letter, I am going to disregard the fact that you are ignoring me and that we do not talk anymore. That is irrelevant. We have both argued, screamed, apologized, and cried to each other too many times to count. Even if we did still talk, I would be saying this to you, maybe in different words, but telling you all the same.

Since the very first day we became friends, you have been a constant in my life, a constant amidst the tumult and drama of high school. You listened to me and offered advice with your perspective that is so opposite mine. I love the way you live in the moment and risk the superficial things that I hold dear. Being your friend made me come to the profound realization that life is so much more than turning in homework on time and getting straight As. Because of you, if a friend needs me the night before a paper is due, I will be there for my friend (hopefully I wrote the paper ahead of time).

You were the glue that held my life together when I was on the brink of destruction. Everything in my world was falling apart, but you and your friendship remained. I took that for granted. You taught me the value of true friendship, even if it does not last. I hope that I meant something to you, that I somehow repaid in part what you had given to me in full.

To this day, I still look for you in the hallways and listen for your voice among the tenors in choir. Even when we see each other or talk, it is all superficial. We barely graze the surface of what once existed.

I hate superficiality.

After three years, how could we, how could I, throw it all away?

Losing your friendship has been a process more painful than any breakup. It feels as if someone has taken a part of me; there is a hole in my soul where you once were. As if the physical pain was not enough, the process of emotional detachment from you has been long and rocky. After weeks without thinking of you, a single song or a memory or a Bible verse makes me recall how much I care for you, still, after all this time.

You know more about me than any other person on this earth. And even though you leave me behind, you will carry pieces of me with you forever. Treasure them. I do not regret giving them to you, for I trust you will keep those pieces of me safe.

Life is too short to be silent about the ones we love. The other day, I was thinking about the people I will miss most in college, and as much as I love my friends, I will miss you the most. I already miss you. I suppose our separation is merely a preparation for what is to come.

This is not a cry for you to come back to me, nor an invitation for a pity party on my behalf. We both know that “us” would never have worked in our favor. I just wanted to let you know how much you mean to me, and how much pain I am enduring as you ignore my snapchats and avoid eye contact. But still, this is not me trying to guilt you or regain your attention.

This is me telling you that I love you. Not as a boyfriend or as a lover or even as a friend. I love you as a person. You are so extraordinarily special, and I am blessed to have spent so much time with you as my best friend. I wish it did not have to end.

But alas, all good things come to an end, right?

7 women i could never forget.

1. it was all about experiences. it was a necessity for you to feel. diamonds and gold didn’t move you as much as books and flowers. you liked wine in the morning, and coffee in the evening. you liked beethoven when you were happy, and trap music when you were sad. your laugh was light, but your mind was heavy. you spent so much time dreaming, and not enough time living in the moment.

2. your eyes were enchanting, but the words that came from your lips were even more captivating. gospel to the soul. water to the mind. i remembered every small detail about you, even though you thought it wasn’t important. funny thing is, you didn’t feel important, you didn’t know your purpose. if only you knew the power that existed in the little things you said and did. you’re a goddess. you’ll make a fine mother some day.

3. you were always a volcano waiting to happen, but somehow i was drawn to that. i was drawn to your passion, your spirit, your exuberance. i thought it was beautiful, they felt indifferent. they kept their distance because they thought you were destructive. they didn’t understand you, but i did. amidst all the confusion, i still chose you, but you chose to push me away. you left burns on my soul and left me picking pieces of myself off the ground. my mother always taught me not to play with fire. i wish i listened.

4. miss crystals and sage. miss zodiac. miss what is your moon, sun and rising in? miss let me see your chart, so i know it’s real. you’re appreciated. you taught me so much. your spirituality fueled me. your oneness with yourself inspired me. your awareness opened me, but your over analyzing closed me. you inadvertently disposed of me. ego killed our connection. can you imagine how far we would’ve gone if we both just swallowed our pride?

5. my first love. my soul mate. you opened my eyes to things that i didn’t even know existed. you opened my senses to feelings that i never even knew could be felt. our connection was intense, even though we weren’t together for long. but it’s hard to write about you. it’s hard to string together sentences and talk about you. a part of me feels like you don’t deserve my words, because you left without saying a word.

6. there is so much to you. i have seen the light and dark sides, the sun and the moon, but everything is undeniably beautiful. there was a gentleness about you, even in your rough moments, a softness about you, even after the way the past treated you. but i was young, naive, immature. i didn’t quite understand what love or friendship was. i didn’t quite understand myself. but you’re a good person, an angel. i hope you found someone who compliments your spirit.

7. strange. it never moved past friendship, but i’m glad that it never did. we were always better off as platonic companions. we mixed together well, without adding romance to the pot. it’s ironic that the reason we don’t talk as much anymore is because we decided not to take that plunge into the unknown. i miss your smile, your humor, your friendship. but i also understand that it’s okay to love someone from a distance.

—  iambrillyant