Star Above the Waters.
TW: major depictions of suicide and suicidal thoughts, major character death.
The icy cold drops of rain pierce deep into Lance’s tear strewn cheeks, pale with cold as he shivered. It was like little needles flecking his skin and leaving him numb and frigid.
Above him, storm clouds cracked and thundered and rolled, making a symphony of Mother Nature’s deadly desire.
Somewhere in front of him, the sky lit up with light like a match in a dark room, only now it was a lighting strike as it buried itself and made its mark somewhere in the world.
Good for it. It left a lasting impression when it was gone. Something Lance would never be able to accomplish.
He had tried countless times.
Either to be noticed, to be popular, to exist in the eyes of people who weren’t apart of his routine life.
He went to whatever lengths he could, tried to stay out of any negative situation.
Lance was always a people pleaser. He always did his very best to make sure everyone he encountered was left with something good to say about him when he was gone.
But any good start with anyone, would only crumble to bad in some way and have him in ruins. Failure.
It seemed like other people could do it just fine. They could be just like Lance and yet they would be the one to rise up in the world, while he was only sinking lower.
Literally and mentally.
Over the past few weeks Lance had got to thinking pretty hard about life. Not about how to go forward with it, what he could make of it, or even what he had planned in life as it went on.
Lance thought more so on the side of ending it. Which, in that way, could be counted as the same as making it better.
Or at least that’s how Lance saw it.
He’d been looking at the possibilities for weeks, like a kid in the candy store. Any way to get out of the world that he couldn’t stand up in, only put deeper and deeper into a hole that the people around him were digging for him.
In all honesty, maybe he had a shovel himself, but that had only been for a little while. It was a small shovel.
Hanging was out of the question. He read too many history books and seen too many movies to know that if it’s done with the slightest flaw, it won’t be easy.
You have to take in people’s height and weight, and the way the noose is tied in relativity to it all.
He would leave the math to Pidge.
Second option had been using those skills with a firearm that he had. But in all honesty that was too messy and he didn’t like the idea of risking it not going right, distorting his face for the rest of his life.
Although he knew the proper way was to put the shotgun directly behind his ear, he didn’t want to wimp out at something only he could control. Pull the trigger or not, there’s too much room for mind changing.
Lance had already tried pills. But he had already been on so many medications to numb the race of his heart, the workings of his mind, all the boy had gotten in return was a nice euphoria for a few hours.
The stomach pumping afterward wasn’t as pleasant, so again there is too much room for flaw. It needed to be just right.
So here he was.
Standing atop this mere ledge as the thing he loved most fell down around him.
You may be thinking that there is too much chance of let go or not let go, fall or not fall, in this scenario.
But that’s why he chose today of all days.
This ledge of all ledges. It was perfect.
Below the 3 ½ inch strip of concrete his feet balanced on, roared the sea. Lance had always loved the water.
A lighthouse. Dark. 5 pm.
Lance had learn most suicides happened between the times of noon and six in the evening, so why not just blend in with the crowd, since he could never stand out in it?
It was about 230 feet tall from the water, and here Lance stood at 198 feet above.
The boy closed his eyes, which were warm with tears but the rain made his skin cold. He felt a swaying motion, and he could hear his heartbeat in his ears.
Everything has an expiration date, whether human or animal or thing.
Nothing doesn’t not come to an end.
It can be chosen by you or for you.
Expected or unexpected.
A thought came to his head, standing hundreds of feet above the water that would soon become one with him and finalize his expiration date.
Lance had always tried to stand out, take risks, try and be noticed and try to be civil.
How come he lived in a world where ‘Take A Life’ was something all you had to do was turn on the television to hear. A social norm almost, something sad, but no you don’t really try and think about it that much.
But ‘Take A Chance’? How is it fair that it seems almost impossible, scary even. Frowned upon, because why would you do that?
What sort of world was that?
Lance lifted on hand from the hold behind him, wiping his cheeks. If he lifted the other, he would fall.
He leaned forward, his free hand swaying at his side as he stared at the back of his eyelids. That questioned repeated itself.
What kind of world is that?
Lance shook his head with a low chuckle, a sad sound that made it past his lips but was then snatched away by the wind.
A tired voice muttered, “Not the kind I want to live in.” With those words, Lance let go.
That wasn’t Lance.
None of them would believe that it was Lance, because how could it be?
It was held in a splayed out position, head back and mouth open, eyes closed.
It’s body was on the verge of turning blue, and had already bloated. It must have been there for hours.
It was dead. A dead, blue thing.
And even though it wore the same clothes, they all refused to believe it was the happy Cuban boy they had come to love and care for, even if he annoyed them sometimes.
They’d gone looking for him after he hadn’t shown up for dinner, and wasn’t back by ten at night.
Keith suggested they go out with flashlights.
Pidge who said wait a little longer.
Shiro who said he’d wait and see if he came back while they were out.
Hunk who found the note on Lances desk.
Shiro who read it out loud, and ran.
Pidge is the one who found it.
And it was Lance who was dead.
‘I knew someday I’d probably have to write a will or something, you know that thing old people write and families break over.
But I guess I didn’t know I’d be writing my own suicide note. Things had been pretty okay for me as a child.
I wanted to go to space, or become a marine biologist. Stars and water, either one was perfect for me because I loved them both.
Maybe I should say I’m sorry, because that’s what everyone else writes, but I’m not going to.
It would be like saying sorry for the milk expiring, or the toy that broke. I’m just another thing that had an end coming.
We all do.
But I’m not sorry.
I got to see the water, be apart of it, and I know I probably won’t look very pretty when you find me but I didn’t bother to put any makeup on when I woke up for the last time this morning.
Don’t worry, if you look up at night, I’ll look so much better as a star. Among those that I had always wanted to see.
Pidge, you’re such a strong woman and you’re smarter than I could have ever been. When you invent a code that makes memories a reality, please don’t forget about me by then and visit the good ones we had, okay?
Keith, at least from up here I can look down on your mullet, and pretend it looks a lot better than it actually is. Also, do me a favor and make sure Hunk is okay after this. You two seem close to an extent, he is going to need someone to go to. ((If he makes you something to eat, EAT IT.))
Hunk, thank you so much for being my best friend and my brother for all of these years. You’re a good bro, and I’ll make sure to put a good word in up here for you so you can be the Big Guy’s head chef. (Only if I get some snacks though.) I’m trusting you to keep Pidge in check, and make sure you feed those little mice in the shed. I love you.
Shiro, please please watch them all for me. And take care of yourself. I know you’ve been through a lot and I’m not helping any, but use them as your support and you as theirs. It’s okay to need someone, everyone needs another. Just make sure they have you, and each other, because I don’t want any of you to end up like me. Stay rad, space Dad.
I don’t care what you do with me, but whatever you do I want to be by the ocean. My final final resting place. Spread my ashes, bury my grave. Just make sure they play Beyoncé at the funeral.
You guys are out of this world.
See you later.