and i love you and miss you

everyone always asks me why im not mad and how i can be so quick to forgive and really it’s simple. i don’t have it in me to not forgive. to not accept an apology completely tears me apart. to not accept someone’s bad actions and forgive them for it anyways, hurts me. i see the good in everyone, i see the sunshine even though everyone else always sees clouds. i see beyond what’s portrayed, i see the sadness growing in people’s souls and i do not walk away until i have planted some damn flowers in it, so at least they will have some beauty left over from me. i have all of these terrible feelings locked up inside that nearly drown me half of the time, but i won’t ever tell anyone because the fear of hurting anyone damn near destroys me. i am a fragile being and i imagine everyone else to be just as fragile, if not more. that way, when i touch their hearts and souls i don’t leave behind any finger prints or bruises, but only soft, warm feelings - sunshine. i refuse to leave with a goodbye, but rather a ‘see you soon’. honestly, i refuse to leave at all. i cannot say goodbye when hellos are already one step to it. im not one for goodbyes or anger or grudges. im for the deep conversations and the smiles and the sunshine shining out of your soul. and honestly, i don’t think I’ll ever stop trying to pull the light out of people because that’s who i am. im stubborn as hell and i won’t stop until everyone around me is glowing, even if i am duller than ever before. that’s just who i am.

tagged by: @investigxter
tagging: @heavenly-grievance @orewahida @kusodekaikiyo @mcgnolia @na-gachiika @blushxhime - and um anyone ELSE WHO WANTS TO.

FULL NAME: Ken Kaneki | | Haise Sasaki

GENDER & SEXUALITY: Cis male, and first considered heteroromantic and demisexual, as Kaneki has actually admitted a preference for intellectual women, but after a ridiculous onslaught of psychological and physical trauma, his innate sense of connectivity with another person seems to have gotten just a bit skewed. He obviously comprehends bonds, sexual or romantic, well enough to very subtly play into Tsukiyama’s obsession with him, saying the right thing at the right time to gain compliance, but it would take considerable compatibility and likely a good deal of patience and understanding for Kaneki to be able to get close to someone.
              His body is poised for pain, and his mind only makes room in the heart for very specific individuals, so if you were already designated as a ‘friend’, you’ll have a much easier time with contact and conversation.

ETHNICITY & SPECIES: Japanese, Artificial half-ghoul.

BIRTHPLACE & BIRTHDATE: Tokyo, Japan. December 20th, Sagittarius/April 2nd, Aries.

GUILTY PLEASURES: Reading, sparring - - there is a certain aspect of his psyche that is actually rather sadistic, which may simply be an internalization of the Ghoul’s predatory instincts, coupled with Yamori’s torture.

PHOBIAS: Not being strong enough, disappearing, being the one who’s at fault for hardship, being alone, Kaneki is a cacophony of terrors and paranoia.

                           If Kaneki had a wanted poster, it would probably just say “oh my fucking god.”, considering he tends not to be too discerning with things that get in the way of his goals.

WHAT HAVE THEY/WOULD THEY HAVE GOTTEN ARRESTED FOR: He sort of fucked up dying to the Reaper, which lead to his arrest the first time. Otherwise - his entire existence is worth being arrested for.

CHARACTER YOU SHIP THEM WITH: Ya’ll can just skip over there before you quit me entirely, but I really do ship this weirdo with just about everyone - one of my favorite things to do is see if and how chemistry can develop between muses, and I have quite a few favorite characters from this series, and I would love exploring most kinds of relationships, romantic included, with Kaneki - - even if he’s about the worst possible choice for romantic encounters.

CHARACTER MOST LIKELY TO MURDER THEM: Squints at Arima-san didn’t he already get murdered once?? But nowadays I have a feeling the only one that’ll manage to kill him is himself.

FAVORITE BOOK GENRE: Psychological horror, psychological, Fiction.

FAVORITE BOOK CLICHE: As someone who uses reading as an escape, there was a point where Kaneki enjoyed drama and dramatic resolutions in fiction books, where the characters were able to overcome hardship in realistic ways, which was why he enjoyed most of Takatsuki’s works.

LEAST FAVORITE BOOK CLICHE: When confident in his own mindset, Kaneki(As Haise) seems to have a distaste for when an author shows too much of their own messed up psyches in a book, having enough intuition to be able to read into someone’s writing enough to make a sort of analysis of their state.

TALENTS AND POWERS: Kaneki is a quick little shit who is way too damn smart and has a lot of pointy tentacles that he uses very well and most often violently.
                 Sometimes he has more than one mouth and they probably sound like they took helium when they yell.

WHY SOMEONE MIGHT LOVE THEM: A kind heart and a gentle smile, a dutiful body with caring hands, Kaneki is someone you would loathe to have against you, and would never leave your side if he called you a friend. Protective and intelligent, stubborn with a few ideals, but always willing to listen if it seems like someone knows more, the one-eyed ghoul has a fair bit of charisma about him, so it’s very easy to see why someone would want to preserve him at all costs.

WHY SOMEONE MIGHT HATE HIM:  A stubborn little fuckhead with a tendency for martyr-ism and self-depreciation, Kaneki is at times an unbearable source of indecision, fear and possessiveness, giving him a somewhat self-centered outward appearance, which in a way, isn’t incorrect. He’ll preach a pacifistic front while fighting endlessly, then cry about not wanting to eat anymore, manipulate and lie to even his closer companions, simply because he doesn’t want to lose them or be alone.
                He’s a very selfish child.

HOW THEY CHANGE: Ironically, despite everything - even through the loss of his memories, Kaneki truly hasn’t changed very much at all throughout the course of the series. His ideals solidify, yes, and he ends up being able to make decisions based on them with a lot more ease, but these ideals - a thirst for understanding, for knowledge, and for companionship despite his introverted nature - none of this has changed, Haise is simply Kaneki, matured and confident in his stance and role in the world and to those surrounding him, you see more and more of his innate nature the closer he gets to comprehending what his body and mind have gone through.
                     In the end, a sadistic, aggressive stance has and always was his only form of defense against those who would get in his way, or get in the way of his relationships. It seems as though one of his traits, is just how easily one can recognize ‘Kaneki Ken’ regardless of what name he goes by, or what mask he dons.

WHY YOU LOVE THEM: have you seen this guy he’s just the cutest little precious crazy shitling in the universe oahmagerd just like gotta protect him at all costs yanno.

I am not perfect. I roll my eyes a lot and half the things that come out of my mouth are laced with sarcasm. I don’t wash my hair enough and I’ll steel the blankets during the night. But I promise I do listen, more than you think I do. I hear every single word you say and I know you better than I know myself. I care way too much, but I will never want to hurt you and if I do know that it will hurt me more than it will hurt you. I am not perfect, but I try to be perfect for you.
—  4am
we went from “i love you” to “i hate you”
we went from “i wanna kiss you” to “i won’t miss you”
we went from “give me a hug” to “give me some space”
we went from “i wanna be alone with you” to “leave me alone”
we went from “i can’t wait to see you” to “i can’t wait for you to be out of my life”
we went from “let’s go work out together” to “this isnt working out”
we went from “so how’s your day?” to “so how’s life been?”
—  spoiler alert, people change (mb)