and i love you and miss you

Sometimes it’s not watching him walk away that hurts; sometimes, it’s realizing that you can’t do anything to stop him. It’s realizing that you loved him more than he ever loved you. It’s realizing that there’s another girl he loves and it’s not you and it’s not going to ever be you. And you have to realize this before you kill yourself running after something that doesn’t exist, because there’s nothing lonelier than reaching for someone who already has their arms around someone else. Sometimes you have to let him go, and sometimes it’s the hardest thing you’ll ever have to do.
—  Things I wish my mother had told me pt 3
Find someone who’s willing to meet you both mentally and emotionally halfway.

-Anything less will be draining. Anything more will be exhausting. 



Today it will make 14 years that my mum past away.

I was only a kid when this happened, 5 year old me didn’t understand why mum wasn’t around, but that didn’t take long, i asked questions and i got no answers, until one day i went to my dad and asked him if she was dead, and he had no other choice that to tell me.

I didn’t have many memories with her, we didn’t have time to get to know each other, i feel bad because i don’t miss her as a person, but i miss her as a mother, i never knew how she was, if she was nice or had a temper or if she liked rock music, i guess what i miss is her presence that’s all.

For what i’ve been told about her, is that she was smart, apparently she was a university teacher, she taught economics, and she was respected. I have also been told that she was beautiful, and not only physically. She cared for others, she loved many, and for what my dad told me, i was the only she loved the most.

I don’t remember how she looks like, if it wasn’t for pictures i wouldn’t know, how she looked like. The pictures that i have, she looks beautiful in them. As my dad likes to say, those pictures don’t do her justice.

I don’t have many memories with her, but i have one, i don’t know if it’s true or not, sometimes when we miss someone our minds play tricks on us. The day of the accident, in the morning apparently i couldn’t let go of her, and i was needy for her attention and giving her kisses and telling her how much i loved her. I don’t want to know if this isn’t true, that’s why i don’t ask my dad, because i’m scared to find out that, it didn’t happened, i’m okay with keeping it like it happened, even if it didn’t.

I love you mum.

Your baby girl, Laura.

They say people hit rock bottom before they become okay… But my rock bottom was you. And I don’t think that’s something I could ever recover from.
—  N.C //Excerpt from a book I’ll never write #4//