Harry Potter reread IV: a bunch of losers, basically
- I think my favourite thing about Chamber of Secrets is that Harry, without a hint of irony, refers to Draco Malfoy as his “archenemy”. like… Harry. you’re the boy who lived. you defeated the Dark Lord. 3ish weeks ago you were face to back-of-head with him. he murdered your parents and still has it in for you. DRACO SODDING MALFOY IS NOT YOUR ARCHENEMY.
- Harry pretends to do magic in front of Dudley to set their hedge on fire (??? 12-year-olds) and yells “JIGGERY POKERY! HOCUS POCUS, SQUIGGLY WIGGLY!” and let me tell you something: I read that and started laughing in the middle of Piccadilly Gardens and I could not stop. picture tiny Daniel Radcliffe bellowing that at the top of his lungs and you’ll laugh too. I’m laughing now. I will probably laugh again when I check this post for typos.
- Justin Finch-Fletchley had his name down for Eton. this meant very little to me when I was younger but now it’s KILLING ME. his dad’s probably in the House of Lords. Justin probably says stuff like “jolly good eh what” and tries to teach them all RUGGER. he thinks quidditch is a HOOLIGAN’S SPORT. he meets up with all the Etonians IN THE VAC and fabricates stories about his ELITE PRIVATE SCHOOL IN SWEDEN, WHAT! oh yes, it’s just SPIFFING, OLD BOY. half the reason Ernie Macmillan is so pompous is because he feels completely outdone by Justin and Justin manages it without even trying. “sod that for a laugh,” thinks Ernie. “I will be THE POSHEST TOFF.” meanwhile Justin’s trying to herd the thestrals into a game of polo and throwing galleons into the lake as practice for joining the Bullingdon Club.
- “Malfoy sank to his knees; Harry had hit him with a Tickling Charm, and he could barely move for laughing. Harry hung back, with a vague feeling it would be unsporting to bewitch Malfoy while he was on the floor, but this was a mistake; gasping for breath, Malfoy pointed his wand at Harry’s knees, choked, "Tarantallegra!” and the next second Harry’s legs began to jerk around out of his control in a kind of quickstep.“ this passage is, quite possibly, the best thing I have ever read in my life. Snape has to wade in and cancel their spells before Draco can even stop laughing. I am so happy.
- Hogwarts was founded roughly 1000 years ago by the gang, so like between 900/1000AD. they didn’t have plumbing then, did they? at least, nothing like the plumbing we have now. definitely no sinks and stalls and cisterns. what I’m getting at is this: did Salazar Slytherin know that the entrance to the Chamber of Secrets was going to wind up being inside a girls lav? I hope so. I really, truly hope he did. I like to think that he was a bit of a joker. like, who’s gonna look in the girls’ loos for the entrance to an epic, wizard racist, pureblood chamber of HORRORS??? fucking no one. sucks to be you, Godric. Salazar: 1, Hogwarts: 0. booyah.
- I know that everyone is on the “Dobby’s heard great things about Harry, haha, I bet Draco told him!” train, but yo, Dobby jinxes the bludger to go after Harry because he overheard his master saying that Harry was at Hogwarts. please consider this: Draco writes his 86th letter of the year home about HARRY POTTER and how AWFUL HE IS, FATHER, REALLY and Dobby happens to overhear a conversation (one of many) between Lucius and Narcissa like “again, he’s talking about Potter AGAIN, Narcissa, what do we DO, he’s EMBARRASSING ME!!!”
- I think that I may actually be quite fond of Gilderoy Lockhart. he sleeps in rollers, wears florescent turquoise robes with a matching gold-trimmed hat, his ideal birthday gift is harmony between all magic and non-magic people, his favourite colour is lilac, he replies to all his fanmail, he shanghais Harry into acting out elaborate scenes from his books during class and he makes them compose poems for homework. I know he’s a liar and a fraud and a bonafide shitty person, but he seems like a real sweetie. he probably thought he was doing Harry a huge favour by requesting he spend detention helping answer letters. Gilderoy really just wants to help. he’s trying his best in a dog-eat-dog world. he’s also astoundingly gay, now that I… think about it…