The Pain of Death [1000 Followers Special]
A/N: This was due LONG ago, but I never got around to it. I’m really sorry it sucks guys. I just have no motivation today and it’s been one bad news after the other
Pairing: Jason Todd x Reader
Word Count: 1660
It was difficult to feel alive in the world today.
The world was a cold, desolated place where dreamers simply couldn’t exist. It was really a cemetery, a graveyard filled with unfulfilled dreams of the young and old. It wasn’t a place for any friends either, only acquaintances, nothing more.
There was no we or us, there was only I and me, for in this world, there were only survivors and they didn’t crawl their way to the top of the food chain together with others. In the end, the only person that mattered was them and they would throw anyone off the ladder if necessary.
It didn’t come as a surprise. Humanity was doomed from the start, it was inevitable. The human race was bound to topple their own grand empire that they had built. All the cruelest, most despicable things in this world derived from humanity. There’s no place for this dying species in this universe. We had sinned too far to ever redeem ourselves.
Now everyone’s simply trying to find their own happiness, a temporary bliss they could indulge in until they get sick of it and move onto their next interest.
You had seen it in action, experienced first hand. There was no such thing as happiness in this place, not true happiness. Something always happened, as if the universe was designed to fuck with you. It was a consequence of being born and adding to this plague called humanity. But like everyone else, you tried your best to survive. Only survive. You had given up trying to find any lasting happiness in this sick world. What was the point? When it was torn from you, the only person that get the burn would be you.
You admit you never used to be like this. You had been happy, joyful… but innocent. And you were so in love. You were blinded by the driving force of nature and oh how it had ruined you to the point of no return. Your heart was a desolate wasteland where nothing thrived. You gave it no rain, you barricaded it, all because of him.
There used to be someone. Used to be, for he was long gone. He was reckless, impulsive, perhaps a little too daring at times, but bravery and determination ran through his veins. He was a hero, not just your hero but also the hero of others.
He was the second Robin, Jason Peter Todd.
When he came into your life, he instantly swept you off your feet. At first that was a quite bad term for you saw him as a hurricane that tore everything apart. Since you two were on opposite sides most times–you being Catwoman’s ‘apprentice’ and all–you two faced each other regularly, but those fights turned to bickers, and bickers turned into banters and it formed the strangest friendship.
Most of the time, you would play around with him while your mentor had her way with Batman. Sometimes you would sneak out to meet him on the roof. There were times when you even sneaked into the manor to spend time with him, and since you were good friends with Alfred, of course he had let you in.
You allowed yourself to fall. You allowed your heart to feel and love, because it gave you such happiness.
You should’ve known it was too good to be true.
There was no pain greater than what you felt when your mentor informed you of his death.
At first there was that numbness in your chest. You weren’t in denial, you were in shock and couldn’t comprehend anything. And then when you were left alone, that was when you finally realized what the news meant. Then the tears came, and it wouldn’t stop.
It was on that night that you had stopped loving, for what was the use of such emotion when everything would end?
Yet even when you tell yourself that, here you were, standing in front of the grave of the second Robin years later.
“Hey there boy wonder,” you whispered, crouching in front of the grave and placing the bouquet of flowers you bought him, “yeah it’s me again. Got bored of me yet?” You had been visiting him at least once a week, making sure that, if he was ever watching, he knew he was remembered.
You fully sat down, crossing your legs and closed your eyes, remaining silent. When you first visited him, you used to always cry, and then try to talk to him about your day. Now though, while the pain lingered, you didn’t break down. You refused to, you couldn’t show such weakness. Usually you would sit there, thinking. It was peaceful and those who do come by knew not to disturb you.
Your trained ears picked up footsteps behind you after several minutes of silence but you made no attempts to turn around or look back. You knew whoever it was, they would leave–unless of course, it was one of the Waynes or Selina.
“Red roses? Classy.”
Your eyes shot open at that voice. There was something…. Frighteningly familiar about it, and deep down you could identify the person but your heart didn’t want to believe it. You weren’t going to give yourself that benefit.
Still, you began to shake as you slowly stood up and turned around.
And there he was, looking very much alive.
Jason Peter Todd had changed a lot. His young features matured greatly and his blue eyes were colder, haunted. He definitely grew taller, much taller, not to mention he was a lot more muscular. There was a streak of white in his hair. However, despite the change, all you could see was the boy you sat on the rooftop talking to for hours and hours on end.
“No… no, this can’t be right.” you shook your head, feeling tears in your eyes despite how much you tried to fight them back.
“Hey, [F/N],” he began, noticing your mood, “ it’s me. It’s Jason.” he insisted, stepping closer, only for you to recoil.
“NO!” you shouted, raising your hand to keep distance. “Get out of my sight, right now.” You tried to sound firm but you couldn’t disguise the crack in your voice.
Jason’s brows furrowed in confusion but his eyes showed a hint of anger. “What?”
“You heard me.” you said coldly, though your voice wavered. “Whoever you are, whatever sick joke you’re playing, leave, before I do something that I will very much regret.”
“[F/N], you think I’m some trick?!” Jason demanded, “hey, I’m real. It’s really me, somehow! Look, I can explain later but–”
“No! You are not…” you closed your eyes and began to pace, “you are not allowed to just magically come back to life! No, no this is some fucked up prank. It has to be. This can’t be happening right now.”
Growing frustrated and agitated by how stubborn you were being, Jason grabbed you by the shoulders. “Look! Look at me! Do I look like an illusion or some impostor?”
“You have to be because there is no other explanation!”
“No, you can’t!” You pushed him away, causing him to stumble back. “You can’t… you can’t…” You sounded so defeated, so torn and broken. It was as if the adrenaline had left you and you were struggling for breath.
“Can’t what?” Jason urged, wanting to know why you were pushing him away like this. The person he was seeing here was a great contrast from the girl he used to know, and that broke his heart.
“You can’t just come back to life and act like nothing happened! You’re not allowed to do that!” Your emotions were all jumbled up inside you and you didn’t know what to feel. Everything you had kept buried inside you was bursting out and it was a storm of emotions that you couldn’t control. It was suffocating you and controlling your actions. Seeing him in front of you reopened closed wounds that barely healed in the first place.
“Shouldn’t you be happy?!” Jason demanded, shocked and confused by your reaction.
“How?!” you retorted, throwing your arms up in the air. “How can I be happy?! This isn’t happiness, happiness isn’t so fucking painful!”
“Painful?” Jason repeated, “do I have to remind you that I was the one who died, not you?”
Hearing this, hearing him say it so easily, you lost it. You lost every ounce of control you had and everything that came out of your mouth was nothing but the absolute truth.
“And do I have to remind you that you haven’t truly died until you have someone you loved taken away from you?!” you yelled back at him, rendering him speechless. Before he could respond, you continued with tears streaming down your face, “for you it may’ve ended in death, but for me? Death was just the beginning,” your voice wasn’t raised, nor was it a whisper, it was a deadly calm that expressed your full emotions, as if the tears falling down your face wasn’t enough already, “because then you remember, you remember all the good times and mourn for them. You remember all the bad times and you regret. And when you wake up every day for one blissful second you forget and then it all comes back to you and it’s like hearing about it the very first time all over again. So don’t you dare tell me that I hadn’t died because believe me, I hadn’t felt alive since the day that clown killed you.”
By the end of it, you were crying so hard you could barely see, but you did feel strong arms wrapping around you. You did feel him pulling you close to his chest, letting you cry, but that only made you cry harder.
Because, after years of being alone, you finally got the chance to embrace the one person you loved most again.