and i didnt look out for the cars and i was just. thinking

Sun Rays

Its not fair you came back at the time you did. Well no I think its not fair but the truth is I didnt think you would. I never thought id sit next to you in your car again, never thought id get to be huged by your arms. God you tower over me. I miss that. I never thought that id get to see your eyes. Because God knows how much I fall in love with eyes. I Remember when you stoped talking to me. I remove how I felt. I rember the way my chest felt so heavy when I looked at the pictures and thought about music we tried to make. Come to find out you lied to me the whole time and I was just one of many. I dont understand how things happen or why but you came back. And I really dont get why your explanations arent so clear your intentions im not so sure. Ive made more of a commitment with my run on sentences then I ever will with another human being. I dont know if im suppose to be alone or just pretend like im always going to want you. Id prefer to be alone id hate to lie to you. Yet id be lying to myself.


I crashed on my rented scooter yesterday. It was more of a falling over while accelerating about 10 km/h but yeah. Wasn’t bad, no cars were there so I got out of the middle of the road fast enough. Some lady called the ambulance even though I said I was fine and couldn’t afford it. Long story short, I could afford it (even though I didn’t need it…). 22.33 Euros for an ambulance ride, x-rays, and hospital trip. Crazy. Whats going MURICA? Just some decent bruises and scrapes, no real biggee. My feet are wrapped for three days so I cant shower very well but it looks hella cool (Imma ninja!)

I told someone that I was feeling really bad and pretty heavy on the suicidal thoughts (didnt go into full details because that scares people whats normal thinking for me in terms of how much I think about it even when its not that bad, you get used to it!). He set me up with an appointment on thursday, hopefully the lady I see speaks English well enough for me to get some help. I don’t really have a future outside of this program so getting kicked out would not help me in the least. :P That said, I’m glad I did. I still feel like I’m left out of the group but I think just telling someone that thats how I felt let me accept it a little easier. I got invited to two things over the weekend… which was pretty cool. I think the person I told told other people, I’m not sure. I hope that thats not the case, I don’t want to be invited to other people’s things because they feel sorry for me. I want to be likable, but I just, never feel like I am. I know its a me issue, I’ve been working on it for years. I’ll solve it one day. I haven’t given up on myself yet. Unless I keep driving this scooter :P. Kidding… I hope :x. It is really fun and weird though having your feet in front of you. Hills just suck. But I think I’ll get used to being by myself again mostly. I’m going to be very busy once my last class starts as well anyway. :-). Its going to be a long and short 4 months… I need to finish my portfolio so I can apply for an internship still too. ughhh… I just need to sit on myself and do it. Hopefully this week I’ll have it finished! I find it funny that the way  I prove to myself that I don’t want to die when Im suicidal is to put myself recklessly in harm’s way to prove to myself I don’t want to die. My will to live is incredibly strong, even when I feel completely the opposite. …Maybe I’m just fuckin’ weird. :^). And I like me for that. =]