and i broke my own heart while making this

Interruptions pt 2 (Sort of Edited)

Shawn Mendes 
Words: 2,000 
Warning: Smut! 
Note: Its 1 bloody am and I have school so I’m not editing it. But I hope you enjoy it, shitty spelling mistakes and  all  😁

Originally posted by simplemmind

Three pages into the book and Alice was out like a light. I finished the book anyway, just to make sure. Untangling her little body from around me, I carefully shuffled off her tiny bed and took off her hearing aids without waking her. I placed them in the box on her bedside table before slipping out the room.

Shawn was already laying on the bed when I walked into the bedroom, still shirtless with grey sweatpants, eyes closed, although he wasn’t snoring.

“It’s only half nine.” I teased as I pulled my jumper over my head, dropping it on the never-ending mountain of laundry sitting on the chair in the corner of the room. This morning didn’t help the situation; instead of being productive and actually putting his stuff in the wash, Shawn just added all of his dirty tour clothes to pile. Our room now had the lovely sent of various pets, Shawn’s cologne, and sweat.

You get used to it.

“Mhm.” He hummed sleepily without moving an inch. His hands were behind his head, body fully stretched out dead in the centre, leaving a small square of space for Zoey whose head perked up at the sound. I tried not to stare, but come on, who wouldn’t stare at this amazing piece of art that I somehow ended up marrying.

“You’re such an old man.” I laughed when one of his eyes popped open, eye brow raising as if challenging me to say it again.

“At least I don’t make grunting sounds when I try to stand up.”

My mouth dropped at the stupid smirk on his face. That cheeky bastard. Grabbing the first thing I could fine – which just happened to be my bra – and chucked it at his face, only for it to hit him in the chest instead. He chuckled and picked up the piece of underwear, mumbling something about keeping it before shoving it under his pillow.

I - there was no words.

“It was one time. And I was pregnant.” I huffed in my defence as I shimmed out my jeans and socks, leaving me in just my tank top and pants. My arms instinctively wrapped around my stomach, not comfortable with how tight the fabric was. It was stupid, I knew it was. He was my husband! I shouldn’t feel this way in front of him. But that didn’t stop the alarm bells rung in my head, thinking Shawn had noticed something was up, but he didn’t seem to catch on.

His eyes were fully open now, smirk still planted on his face as his eyes searched down my body. He sat up, moving to sit at the end of the bed as he stretched out his hand towards me. I knew from that funny look in his eyes that I shouldn’t have trusted him, because as soon as I reached for his hand, he tugged me a bit too harshly onto the bed.

Keep reading

Imagine Ivar VS you

Request: What about if he is the king of the army and he need to get married to win a battle or the war against someone and then there is the girl.
Note: What about I make this a series? I maked it the other way around, she has the army and needs his help. All those awesome requests I get, don’t know where to start.
Words:1622


Your horse did his part in the small battle you had at hand, he galopped over the deads, the slicky ground while he tried to keep his stand over the soldiers that came at you. They all wanted you, as the princess of this kingdom you claimed the throne. But you weren’t that ordinary kind of princess, you were fully in armor, your father equally suited galoping on the other side of the field, smaching his sword through the rebels that tried for days to take over this kingdom. They came from a larger force, you knew there was somewhere a much bigger army waiting to attact and if felt like you were just playing their games. But there was nothing you could do but only defend your lands, the kingdom where you would be one day be a queen. You pulled your horse to a hold and looked around you. Most of your men were still standing, the enemie dead or running. One brave man tried to get to you but your sword hitted his throat before he could swing his sword up to you. You clenshed your teeth and pulled back turning your horse around to look for your father.
‘Princess, he is here!’ Some of your soldiers yelled. You turned your head back and looked over to your fathers horse that galloped away. You kicked your legs into yours and he started to canter to your father, surrounded by his loyal men, bleeding from his chest. You jumped from your horse and took your helmet of, your long hair fell loose over your shoulders while you dropped on your knees besiced him.
‘Father.’ You begged. You may be so tough, this broke your heart.
‘You need to lead this country my dear.’ He choked in his own blood. You stroke his forehead and shook your head.
‘I can’t, please, I still need you.’ You whispered into tears.
‘Make an alliance, fight the enemy together. You are a queen now Y/n, make your father proud.’ And than he breathed his final breath and leaved you alone in this world. How did you need to find a alience if everybody was chopped down our assambling behind your enemy?

You looked out of the window to the burning torches that lighted the walls in the dark. Since you father died two days ago you didn’t do much than stay in your room, mourn over his dead while the enemy regathered his troops. You knew this kingdom was weak, more weak than it ever was before. Somebody knocked on your door but you still gazed outside until they knocked again. ‘Princess?’ Somebody asked.
‘Yes, come in.’ You reacted rather short. Two soldiers came in, they bow and walked a little closer.
‘Sorry we have to disturb you. The counsol needs you presents. It is rather urgent business.’ They announched. You only nodded and they walked out again. You stayed there for a few more minutes, looking out of the window again and you thought by yourself what you were doing here. The people needed you, your father would want you to go on instead of crying over his dead body. So you embraced your inner queen and walked out of your bedroom, head up, strong hearted, the queen you meant to be.
‘Counsol.’ You greeted them all with a soft smile before you sat down aside the throne your father always sat on. Nobody reacted on it and they respected your wishes while they greeted you one by one. ‘What was so urgent you needed me here present?’ You asked with a smile, hiding all the inner emotions you felt rather than swallowing them.
‘A scout came in today.’ The army commander began.
‘And?’ You asked.
‘We have some bad news I’m afraid princess.’ Your fathers right hand advisor began. You nodded and looked down to the nerves in the wooden table. And when you looked up your eyes showed a little more strenght.
‘We had already our fair share on bad news and we managed it anyway. So, bring it on.’ You said with a soft grinn. They all smiled intensly, glad to have this kind of a princess back. You grew up as an only child without a mother. Your father always learned you a great deal about fighting and defenses. He maked you to his image and you were proud of it. He always loved you deeply, a love you would carry with you until the day you would die.
‘Certain high places are gattering forces. You have the richest land and they are leading their armies together, join forces to take us down.’ The commander began. That was something you saw coming, for weeks now. Behind your borders there was a hugh amount of rich soil, soil everybody wanted. When you looked to the commander you saw he wasn’t finished.
‘And?’ You asked.
‘Princess, those pagains arrived again.’
‘Vikings.’ You hissed through your teeth. You stroke your finger over your lips, thinking in how many ways this could go wrong. ‘How many?’
‘It’s a large army. They arrive a couple of hours ago.’ The commander answered. You nodded and looked around in the room.
‘Are they with enough to keep this kingdom intact?’ You asked not far after.
‘You thinking of making an alians with them?’ Your fathers advisor began shocked. And he wasn’t the only one, the others looked at you in disbelief.
‘I don’t see another option. If we can make this alians we have a bigger army, we can win. There isn’t anybody else around to defend us, not this far south. We are out of options here, the facts are there,’ you pointed to some roll the commandor had in his hands. ‘we know for sure now. If they come we loose, with those vikings, we may stand a change.’
‘But princess,’ the advisor on the left of you began. You looked aside to him, he looked a little troubled.
‘Speak freely.’ You encouraged him.
‘Those vikings are under the command of Ivar The Boneless.’ He announched. You clenshed your teeth, looking the other way. That cripple had already so much fame on the other side of this land that you grew sick of it. Even this far south the stories about the great commander whispered through the trees. And from all of those men it was him who came a shore. It was completly still for minutes while you tried to think your way around this one, but their wasn’t. You stroke your hands through your long hair and looked back up to the commander.
‘Ready the cavalry.’ You announched. Let’s see how big and famous that Ivar was.

You were with little less than twenty riders. They strongly advised against you go to the beach to confront those vikings, certainly with you becoming a queen. But you did, despite the fact it was the middle of the night. Your soldiers and commander drove around you, like a shield for your protection while you closed in on the camp. You saw a big campfire, a lot of tents, a lot of ships to.
‘Riders!’ Some of those men yelled.
‘Enemies!’ If they saw twenty riders as an enemy than they weren’t that experienced as you thought. They build a shield wall in no time. Your eyebrows went up, impressed by how fast they handled this treath.
‘We need to speak to your leader.’ Your commander annouched. There came no reaction, only a strong silence flushing over the camp they had. The waves rocked over the beach, the wind whispered something through your mind before you finally saw some movements.
‘Hardly an enemy.’ One said. You looked to the white horse, before a chariot, walking to the shield wallt that immidiatly maked room. So this was him? In the darkness he was hardly just a man, not some god like they always said he was. His eyes were the only thing that lightened up in this kind of darkness, a piercing bleu shade that went right for your commander. ‘We just arrived and you come already with your surrender, I’m impressed.’ He nodded approvingly. You didn’t say a thing, you just stayed in the back, observing that man. He didn’t even look at you or the others, he only had eye for your commander.
‘The queen likes to discuss certain terms.’ Your commander said politly. Ivar chuckled, looking over to his men like your commander said some kind of joke.
‘I don’t do terms. Didn’t you here about me out here?’ He asked with a threatening voice.
‘Yes and it’s hardly what I imagined.’ You spoke for the first time. He jerked his head around, looking for you so you maked it for him a little easier and walked your horse into the light. His jaw dropped, impressed by the fact that a woman was in full combat gear. It took hem hardly seconds to take his astonishment under control.
‘What did you imagine?’ He asked with a titled head. You felt his eyes go over your body, amused, still stunned by the fact you were a girl.
‘Not much to begin with.’ You smiled sarcastic.
‘You look like a lot of fun. Maybe i do need to listen to that queen of yours.’
‘I’m the queen.’ You reacted, giving him a smug grinn before you turned to your men. ‘Take him.’ You commanded. Ivar just sat there, holding his finger up to his men who where already eager to attact.
‘Let her,’ he whispered, looking back to you. You only looked down on him with the same kind of cold look he had. ‘let’s see how badass you are when I sneak into your head.’ He tapped his own temple and smiled darkly.

anonymous asked:

I loved your Jasper and Bismuth headcanons! Can you do the other Crystal Gems at some point as well?

Oookay this is a doozy, wedding headcanons for Garnet, Amethyst, Pearl, Lapis and Peridot! ***This is all implying the reader is human!! Sorry if you wanted to read this as a gemsona. You could tweak the words if you wish. Mini HCs for Steven, Connie and Greg at the end, not for marrying them but how they’d act during a wedding with you an the gems. 

I’m going to try and doodle the wedding rings later (including Jasper’s and Bismuth’s), so that’s why they’re not described in the post! -Mod Lapis

Garnet: 

  • She’s very at-ease the whole time, but also beaming and excited.
  • The wedding was indoors, in a large ballroom looking place. There was a hallway leading to the ceremony room, and another hallway leading to restrooms and other facilities. The decorations were simple, mostly darker maroon velvet covers on things with white as the accent color. It reminded you vaguely of red velvet cakes.
  • Surprisingly, she really enjoyed planning it out, she spends a lot of time planning her vows especially. 
  • If she wore a tux, it would be a very dark plum color with blue and red wrist cuffs. She wore a tie instead of a bow-tie. She’d wear her afro naturally.
  • If she wore a dress, she’d wear a fishtail dress with glove-like details. (Something like this!), her hair would be pulled back and pinned with flowers. (something like this is what I was imagining
  • Nothing really “goes wrong” at your wedding, it has a very peaceful atmosphere overall. 
  • You don’t follow the “you can’t see the bride until the ceremony” ritual, she assures you it won’t matter. You two spend the day together until it’s time to get ready, then you separate for a bit until the ceremony. 
  • Some of your relatives make off-hand remarks about Garnet wearing her visor the whole time. It irritates you but you don’t let it ruin the wedding. 
  • Come time for the ceremony, you and Garnet have dopey smiles plastered on your faces, she even giggles a few times which made you smile wider. 
  • Her vows are short, but genuine, her demeanor changed from giggly and happy to sincere in an instant. “Today, you and I make a commitment to one another. To stay together. To act together. To suffer together. To celebrate together. From this day forth, you will always have someone to put your faith into, to share your joy and your pain with.” She takes your hands- “I love you.” 
  • She takes her visor off to kiss you, looking you in the eyes before pressing a gentle kiss on your lips, smiling as she pulled away. 
  • The after party consists of lots of karaoke, dancing and chatting. Afterwards you went home with your wife, holding one of her hands as she carried a tuckered out Steven in the other. 

Amethyst: 

  • There’s lots of nervous laughter from Ame, her jokes don’t deliver well all day and she’s very affectionate- yet quiet. It’s pretty out of character for her. You could tell she’s got a lot on her mind. 
  • You and Ame let Pearl plan a lot for the two of you, so the decor was very elegant, lacy tablecloths with lilac and (favorite color) trimming or ribbons, even the flowers were color-coordinated. It clashed a little bit with the beach simple setting, admittedly, but it was still very pretty. 
  • If she wore a tux, she wouldn’t actually wear a tux at all. She’d wear a white collared shirt with a black vest and dark purple slacks. Her hair would be up in a pony tail. 
  • If she wore a dress, it would still but on the more casual side. (Something like this!) with her hair down, but pulled back out of her face. 
  • The ceremony starts off well, but midway through Ame starts crying, she tells you she’s okay. When it comes time for her to say her vows, she grabs you by the face and kisses you. She pulls back but keeps you close and whispers “I-I didn’t make any! I didn’t know what to say I didn-” you pull her back in for a kiss and assure her it’s okay. 
  • You two keep pecking little kisses across each other’s faces. 
  • She holds your hand as the two of you walk down the isle together, wiping her tears away and looking at you with glistening eyes.
  • During the after party, Greg preforms lots of his songs as the two of you just sit and listen, peacefully. There’s lots of actual partying happening, but you two just wanted to spend time with each other. 
  • Peridot makes a big dork of herself during her speech, telling you how you’re now legally fused with the “superior quartz”. Ame giggles and scoffs at it, so do you. Garnet takes the mic from her and expresses how happy she is for Amethyst, and gives you two her best wishes. 
  • The two of you dance together to cheesy pop love songs on the dance floor, giggling to each other again.

Pearl:

  • You both decided to have your wedding in a chapel. (She just loved the aesthetic of it so much)
  • The decor is all white and cream colors, she really stressed that “the light shining through the stain glass might make some colors unflattering to look at”, you agreed for her sake, she was pretty stressed.
  • If she decided to wear a tux, she’d wear a similar one to what she wore in Mr. Greg (It’s Over Isn’t It episode), perhaps a different color, like pale blue. The accent colors would all be pastels, of course. She’d wear her hair normally.
  • If she wanted a dress, she’d wear something simple with elegant details that flowed well. (something like this!), she’d wear her hair normally still, but would wear some sort of hair accessory. Very pale silver leaves, pearls, something simple but lovely like that. 
  • You did follow traditional rituals with her, more for the fun of it instead of actual belief in them. 
  • There was a light drizzle of rain before the reception, it stopped quickly and left little glittering water droplets onto the stain glass windows. 
  • The reception went over well, Pearl recited her vows without skipping a beat. “From this day forward, I, Pearl, take you, (y/n) to be my spouse. To have and to hold, in peace and in strife, I will stay by your side. So long as your heart still beats and my gem still shines, I will love you.”
  • The kiss was short and sweet, with Pearl’s nose bumping into your own briefly, making you smile.
  • During the after party, you and Pearl slow danced a lot. There was a dance where you traded off partners with someone else, which was a lot of fun. It broke off into more loose and dorky dancing afterwards.
  • Pearl took you outside to the church garden to walk around and be with you in peace for a while. 
  • Greg was the one to give you two the “good luck, I’m so happy for the two of you!” speech, he looked especially happy the whole time. You noticed he and Pearl talking a lot, too. 
  • The two of you stayed until everyone had left and cleaned up together, Pearl would give you little cheek kisses when you would pass each other to throw something away.

Peridot:

  • She was VERY excited, but terribly nervous. She’d ask you tons of questions about this “tradition” and how to celebrate, occasionally making off-hand “that’s weird” or “oh! that sounds fun!” remarks. 
  • Peri wanted to hold the ceremony in the barn after reading it’s supposed to be held in a “special place”. 
  • Lapis, Pearl, and Garnet helped remodel and redecorate for the occasion. Lapis had made a large ring of water around the barn, not in front the entrance of course. Garnet moved a lot of things outside and behind the barn out of sight, with some help from Greg and his van. Pearl and Peri took care of actual decorating for the most part. Peri made some wind-chime looking meep-morps out of tin cans and pieces of different colored glass, she hung them at the entrance of the barn. Pearl set up chairs in the barn, making a reception area in the back. A large piece of white tulle hung from the ceiling, creating a large upside down V looking shape, it was weighted down from moving by fabric flowers. There was more white tulle on the walls, mainly near the entrance, (looking like curtains) and hanging from the high points of the ceiling with more of Peri’s meep morps. It was odd looking, but very pretty. 
  • If Peri wore a suit, it would be green, with a bright green bowtie. She’d wear her hair as usual, but would make sure it was extra well kept. No pieces sticking out or out of shape!
  • If she wanted a dress, she’d wear something shorter and cuter, (ideal to walk and party in later, she planned it out ahead of time). (Something like this!) The top part of her hair would be pulled back and secured with a barrette, with the bottom still flared out a bit. 
  • During the reception, Peri kept looking at you, she’d smile and her cheeks would flush.
  • Her vows were incredibly dorky, but there was a lot of sincerity to them. “Fusion- it’s the most intimate a gem can be with another; or is it? They share their physical and mental state with each other, they become one. Here on this day, we become one, we’ll share our lives together from this day forward. Our physical and mental states combine, but stay separate, making us use honesty and communication. We don’t share a body, but we’re still one. Today, I fuse my life with yours.” 
  • Peri’s vows earned an odd look, a giggle, and an “awh” from Garnet within seconds of each reaction. 
  • She actually missed the first time she went in to kiss you, kissing you on the side of your mouth. She realized this and awkwardly laughed, you cupped her face and pulled her back in for a proper kiss.
  • The after party was a lot of fun, there was mostly dorky dancing, and a marathon of Camp Pining Hearts in a truck bed. 
  • She comes up and asks you if what she said was “okay”- of course it was, and you tell her she did great.
  • You learned Peri can’t dance. At all.

Lapis:

  • She suggested the wedding be held on the beach, you asked if she was sure, she said she was. “I have enough bad memories about the ocean. It’s time to make some good ones.” 
  • The wedding was held at night. Greg was kind enough to lend you his old light-up floor. (This one!)
  • Lapis heard the old saying “rain on the day of the wedding is good luck” so she made it rain throughout the morning so it would have time to dry before setting up.
  • Chairs had been set up on the flooring, the gentle whirring of Greg’s van made for comfortable ambiance while everyone else was quiet. There were flowers and flower petals scattered on the beach, but overall it was very simple, with the full moon overhead. 
  • If Lapis wore a suit, it would be a simple button up with dark blue slacks. She’d roll up the sleeves and wear a loose ribbon tied in a bow around her neck instead of a tie or bowtie. She still wouldn’t wear shoes. Her hair would be in a low ponytail. 
  • If she wore a dress, it would be simple in the front and backless with a bow at her lower back. (Something like this, the one on the left! sorry I couldn’t get a single image of it in a good resolution.) Her hair would be down like normal with the back of it in a flat braided bun, and she still wouldn’t wear shoes. 
  • She said her vows quietly, very softly. “After all this time, I’ve finally found a home on Earth. Home is being with you. So I guess I want to stay home forever now.” she laughed a bit, but she held you hand a bit tighter, you could tell she meant it. She pulled you closer into a hug, holding you there and pressing a kiss on your cheek before putting her hand on your chin and pulling you in for a kiss. 
  • The two of you half-heartedy listened to the speeches your friends and family gave, mostly just holding each other and appreciating the moment. Lapis paid the most attention when Steven spoke, recounting the day he met her and saying how happy he was to see you two together now. 
  • She took you out onto the ocean and danced with you there, smiling and pressing little kisses into your shoulders and neck. 

Steven/Connie/Greg:

  • They helped set up a lot, Greg always offering to play music.
  • Steven and Connie were always the flower boy and ring bearer. 
  • Steven wears a pink vest and pants with a white button up underneath, Connie wears an off the shoulder long sleeve mint dress with a white belt. Greg wears his tux from Mr. Greg. 
  • Greg almost always references his relationship with Rose in his speeches, saying how you need to talk to one another and be honest, communication is key, you should trust the other one to love you despite your flaws. No one is perfect until you see them as they are completely, and if you still love them as they are entirely, then they’re perfect for you.
  • Steven always says how happy he is that his friends/family is getting married, gives you the best wishes he can, makes a handful of jokes. 
  • Connie doesn’t give speeches, but she is very happy to be around and says congratulations when the ceremony is over. 
  • Greg, Steven and Connie do karaoke- Greg and Steven are happy to do back-up vocals for people, too. They all sing very well! 
  • Steven and Greg welcome you to their family afterwards.

(Live Action Beauty and the Beast Spoilers ahead)

Okay but
For all of these people bitching about the BatB live action Le Fou being gay, did they actually SEE the fucking film?

In the original, I didn’t like Le Fou. He was a toady. An idiot. He was definitely a buffoon and meant for us to laugh at. He was used for physical comedy and took every beating. He was not well fleshed out at all.

But that’s not how he is in the new one. Le Fou is charming and self-deprecating. He’s loyal. He’s got an actual real and vibrant personality. He pays the guys in the tavern to cheer Gaston up, he takes part and succeeds in the mock battle rather than being part of the physical comedy. He’s the one bringing the tavern together, NOT Gaston. They’re following Le Fou’s cue. He clearly LOVES Gaston and wants him to be happy…But he also realises what his friend is. He struggles with that. He’s made to realise that Gaston knows how loyal he is and is using it against him…and in the end, he makes the tough choice. The right choice. To turn away from Gaston, to let go of a poisonous love.

Le Fou has an actual story arc. He has character growth. He starts off as this toady who mimics his friend to be more like him while simultaneously wanting him all for himself. He ends up a hero in his own right. He casts off that role and actively assists Mrs Potts. He transforms. Just like Belle. Just like The Beast.

I actually really loved Le Fou. My heart broke for him when Gaston used his loyalty to hurt Maurice. He was wonderful. The actor was actually a perfect choice. (I had been worried, I admit it.) He was played with subtlety and respect and I loved the character this time around.

Just Say It (Negan/Daryl x Reader)

Word Count: 3,709 (not even sorry xD)

Warnings: Cursing,

(Part 1)

This the second part to “This Is It.” Sorry it took so long! I had a lot of doubts about this one, but I hope y'all enjoy it!

_______________________________________________________

“Here we are! Welcome to your new home, sweetheart.”

My eyes slowly opened to reveal a big factory. There were walkers chained and impaled by posts as well as severed walker heads on the tips of stakes at the front gate. Behind it was a run-down but bustling factory. “The Sanctuary!” I blinked at him as he proudly beamed at it. “Isn’t it gorgeous?” He asked, smirking at me.

“Dazzling,” I muttered.

“Aww, don’t be like that, baby,” he consoled, rubbing my shoulder. “You’re gonna love it here!” With a wink, he hopped out of the car and jogged over to my door, opening it. “M'lady,” he offered his hand to me. Sniffing, I rejected him and got out by myself. “Independent woman,” he snorted. I gasped as I was suddenly pulled back. “Girl, you are turnin’ me on already.” His warm breath fanned over my cheek causing a shiver to go up my spine. Wriggling out of his grasp, I distanced myself from him. The hungry look in his eyes made me want to completely disappear, but I endured it for the sake of my family.

Christ,” he whispered, biting his lip. “I better get you to your room before I get anymore ideas.” Without warning, he snatched my arm and effortlessly tugged me into him, snaking an arm around my waist. “This way.”

As we walked through countless halls and corridors, everyone we passed would kneel and bow their heads in submission. If there was one thing I figured out in that moment, it was that no one in the place dared crossing him. After a few more minutes of walking, we stopped at a large, apartment-like room.

He turned to me with a wide grin. “Make yourself at home, sweetheart.”

Inwardly rolling my eyes, I stepped in and looked around the room. It was decently furnished with a small kitchen set directly across the way with cabinets and a counter with a sink straight across the way, an oven in the left corner and a refrigerator. A queen-sized bed sat at the left side, a small leather chair at the right side with a small, 30-inch screen TV on a dresser, and a few decorations to liven up the place. There was a door at the back, which I assumed was the bathroom. “Uh, thanks,” I mumbled, struggling to look back at him.

“Awh, no need to thank me now, babe.” He sauntered towards me, tucking a strand of (y/h/c) hair behind my ear. “That’ll come later.” My cheek suddenly burned as his lips attached themselves and lingered there for what seemed like minutes. He pulled away with an evil wink. “I’ll be right back. I’ve got some business to take care of. Go ahead and settle yourself in.” Without another word, he left the room.

Although these people seemed cruel and ruthless, especially in consideration of their “fearless leader,” I assumed they must enjoy treating their guests well. I knew for a fact that this was all a charade to lure people into joining their army. The only thing I can do is resist, but for how long and at what cost? If I deny Negan’s power and refuse to bow to him, will I end up as a prisoner?

Am I not already a prisoner?

Fighting the tears in my eyes, I shook the feeling and made my way into the bathroom to take a shower and try to relax.
_____________________________________

Three loud knocks woke me from my short nap. “Hey, sweetheart!” A familiar voice called from outside. “Let me in!” Reluctantly, I stood from my bed and trudged to the door, unlocking it and allowing it to swing open revealing Negan leaning on the doorframe with Lucille in tow. “Hi there,” he greeted, licking his lips.

“Hi,” I replied dryly.

“Nice to see you, too,” he chuckled. “I wanted to show you a couple of things. Come on.” Without argument, I followed him out. As soon as we turned the corner, we ran into Dwight and someone in a grimy pair of sweats. Quickly, they kneeled and bowed their heads.

“Dwighty boy!” Negan greeted, chuckling. He looked at the others around them.

“I need to talk to my associate for a minute. Go about your business.” Immediately, they went back to work. He turned to the man behind him. “Except for you. You, stand right there.” He looked at me with a sickeningly sweet smile. “You wait with him, sweetheart.”

Dwight took the man in sweats and took him over to a red chair sitting in the hall across from my room. “Sit,” he commanded. He quickly obliged. While Negan pulled Dwight aside, I got a good look at the man. His greasy hair fell in his face, his skin was an unwashed tangerine color, and his clothes were covered in his own sweat as well as the letter “A” written with yellow spray paint.

My heart fell in realization. “Daryl?!” I gasped, stepping closer to him. He slowly looked up at me. My heart broke seeing his eyes a dull grey color instead of their usual brilliant blue.

“Don’t speak to him,” Dwight warned, making his way back over to us.

“What’ve you done to him?!” I fumed, balling my hand into a fist and kneeling next to Daryl.

“Easy, girl.” Negan tried to calm me down, placing a hand on my shoulder and pulling me away from him. “Dwight, meet me in a few minutes. Let’s go, darlin’.” Without another word, he took Daryl down the hall and outside as we continued the other direction.

“What the hell is he doing here?!” I blurted out.

“He seemed useful,” he shrugged. “And since he’s so important to you, I just had to take advantage.” He stopped and stared me straight in the eye. “You slip up even once, and his head is on the chopping block.”

“You sick bastard,” I jeered, glaring coldly at him.

“Woah woah woah, now! I’m keeping him alive unless you want him to end up like your other two friends.” Sadly, I lowered my head and held my tongue. There’s no telling what they’re doing to him here! He looked so beaten and broken, and it made my heart ache to see him that way. As long as he’s not at the mercy of Lucille, I guess he’s in good shape.

“Can I at least know where you’re keeping him?” I gingerly inquired.

“Why?” He stopped in his tracks, facing me. “You gonna break him out? You gonna run back to him and leave me hangin’?” The intensity in his voice caused me to shrink back from him as he stepped closer. “Not cool. Honey, you might want to think about your decisions because you could be the deciding factor between whether or not your people are kept alive. Got it?” Without uttering a word, I quickly nodded.

“Good. I wanna show you somethin’ real quick.” I suddenly realized we were in a much nicer looking hallway as he pulled me to a set of double doors. I looked in to see seven young women–some even younger than me–in black dresses sitting around, doing their hair and makeup, drinking scotch, smoking, and silently talking.

“These,” he spoke, catching my attention, “are my wives. These lovely ladies have been with guys who get themselves into some pretty sticky situations. Take Sherry for example.” He pointed to a petite woman with short, honey blonde hair and a pretty face. “She and her now ex-husband and her sister ran off with some of our goods after I planned on marrying her sister. They came back, their sister was dead, and I was gonna punish them,” he trailed off, lifting Lucile into his line of vision, “but Sherry offered to marry me. And here she is now,” he chuckled, nodding in her direction. “Now, the reason why I don’t keep you in here with these ladies is because I have a lot of respect for you.” I raised an eyebrow at him. “I’m not gonna propose here and I won’t force you, but–I’m just sayin’–I can offer you a better deal. That room you got is private and all but I have a suite right next to mine.” He leaned in. “I can move you in up there.” His eyes petrified me as he moved even closer. “But only if you accept my offer.”

“W-what offer?” I stammered as he inched nearer, his lips dangerously close to mine.

“Well, you’re a smart girl. I’m sure you can figure that part out yourself.” His lips barely brushed mine before the radio in his pocket went off.

“It’s D,” Dwight’s voice came over the radio. “Are we still meeting?”

With a deep, frustrated sigh, he ducked away and pulled out his walkie. “Yeah. You gotta work on your timing, man.”

“Did I interrupt something?” He awkwardly inquired.

“Sorta.” He waved it off. “It’s fine. I’ll be there soon.” He switched it off and put it in his back pocket. “Sorry ‘bout that, sweetheart. But as I said, the offer stands. All ya gotta do is accept it when you’re ready.” He placed his arm on the small of my back and led me away to the catwalk we passed on our way in.

Seconds later, Dwight joined us. “Heya, D! How ya doin’?”

“Not too bad,” he answered, leaning forward the railing. “Hi, (Y/n),” he acknowledged me. I nodded at him with a half grin. His greeting didn’t quell the grudge I held against him for everything he’s done to us, especially Daryl.

“He is going ape-shit!” He chuckled, leaning back on the railing.

“Yep,” Dwight nodded, silently proud of his work. I glowered at him.

“And you? You are hustlin’. It’s working. It’s working slow but, hey, some people are harder to break than others.”

“Yeah,” Dwight agreed, standing up straight. “He’s close.”

“Yeah, he is,” Negan smirked. I wasn’t sure if I wanted to stick around for their conversation. If I hear about anything they’re doing to him, I’ll go ape-shit myself.

“Hey, er… Negan?” I spoke up in a sweet voice.

“What’s up, darlin’?” He asked, looking down at me.

“Do you care if I look around a little bit?” I asked, turning to him and running a finger up his chest. “So I can, you know, find my way around?”

He stared down at me with lustful eyes as my finger traveled up to his chin. “Well, uh-”

“C'mon. Just for a little while?” My insides burned as I batted my eyes at him.

Shaking off his awestruck look, he nodded and said, “Sure. Just make sure you’re back in your room in 10 minutes.” He leaned down and whispered in my ear. “I wanna show you somethin’ else.”

“Can’t wait,” I replied in the same tone.

“Ooh, warming up to me already?” That devilish smirk brushed over his pearly white teeth. “I love it. See ya in 10.” As I turned to leave, I felt his hand squeeze my butt. It took everything in me not to turn back around and smack him across the face. I took in a deep breath, and made my way back to my room. “That’s a woman right there, D!” I shuddered as I distinctly heard him brag to Dwight.

As soon as I got there, I began to hear music. It was upbeat, peppy, and somewhat irritating. After a few more seconds, it abruptly stopped. Before I could step into my room, it started again. It was already starting to get on my nerves, so I decided to investigate and marched down the hall towards the music.

Before I could reach the source, my heart jumped at the sight of Daryl sneaking out of his cell. Luckily, no one was around to see him but me. “Daryl!” I whisper-yelled at him. He snapped his head in my direction and ran to me as quickly and silently as possible. As soon as he reached me, he threw his arms around my waist and buried his head in my shoulder as my arms went around his neck. I tried my best to ignore the putrid scent of his clothes as we held each other there. “What the hell are you doing here?” I asked tearfully, pulling away and looking at him.

“They think I’m useful,” he grunted, looking back at me. “They ‘been tryin’ to break me this whole time.”

“Come with me,” I offered. “I can get you some real food and a nice shower-”

“I can’t do that, (Y/n). It’ll get one of us or someone back home killed.”

“At least let me show you where I’m staying. We’ve got to be quick, though. Negan will be there in about 5 minutes.” Daryl nodded hesitantly, and followed me down the hall to my room. “If you ever need anything, come by when you can. Otherwise I’ll bring you something.” I hugged him once more before pointing towards the exit. “The exit’s that way.”

“I ain’t leavin’ without ya,” he argued. “I can’t leave you here by yourself.”

“You have to,” I countered. “Like you said: someone will end up dead. Go without me.” He shook his head. “Please, Daryl,” I begged, placing my hands on his shoulders and forcing him to face me. “Just go.”

With a sigh, he squeezed me one last time. “I’ll come back for ya.”

“If I can get out,” I mumbled, pulling away from him. Without another word, he snuck towards the exit. I quickly went back into my room, sat on the leather chair and waited for Negan to come by. Before too long, I heard a knock on my door. I shot out of my place, and made my way to the door, opening it to see that same smug face scanning me up and down.

“Hey, gorgeous,” he winked. “Find your way around all right? No issues with getting lost?”

“Oh no,” I waved him off. “No problem.” I put on a fake, sultry smile for him. “So, what’s the plan?”

He cleared his throat. “Well, now I’m gonna show you-”

The static on his walkie suddenly caught our attention as a voice said, “We’ve got a runner.” My heart stopped.

They caught him.

God only knows what they’re gonna do to him now.

An amused grin stretched across his lip. “Finally, we’ve got some action around here! Let’s go, babe! I want you to see this!” Reluctantly, I followed behind him, fighting my stomach as it twisted and churned. We went through the exit to see nine Saviors circled around Daryl. He started that damned two-toned whistle again, swinging Lucille over his shoulder and adding in a different tune shortly after as he made his way to the center of the circle.
With a sigh, he asked, “Are we pissin’ our pants yet?” I stood outside the circle as Daryl watched him carefully. “Who are you?” Negan asked Fat Joey.

“Negan,” he answered.

“Who are you?” He pointed Lucille at the Savior behind him.

“Negan.”

“Who are ya?!”

“Negan!” The whole group answered.

“You see that?” He chuckled. “I am everywhere. And this was your shot to prove to me that that fundamental fact was sinking in, and you failed. Which sucks, because your life was about to get so much cooler. Am I right?”

“Damn right,” Joey answered.

Negan stepped closer to him, pressing Lucille to the ground next to his bare feet causing him to jump back a little. “Now, Dwight gave you some options. I don’t think you get it yet. So I’m gonna break it down for you. You get three choices.” He paused for a moment, holding up a finger. “One, you wind up on the spike and you work for me as a dead man. Two, you get out of your cell, you work for points, but you’re gonna wish you were dead. Or three, you work for me, you get yourself a brand-new pair of shoes, and you live like a king! Choice seems pretty obvious. You should know, there is no door number four,” he said, shaking his head. “This is it. This is the only way.”

Daryl remained silent, giving him his trademark side-glare. Part of me wanted him to give in, but the rest of me wanted him to keep fighting. Negan chuckled, fastening his grip on Lucille. “Screw it.”

A yelp escaped my lips as he swung her through the air. I lurched forward, but was stopped by the Savior standing next to Fat Joey. Negan abruptly stopped in front of Daryl, who didn’t move an inch. “Wow!” He backed away from him. “You don’t scare easy. I love that! But Lucille… Well, it kind of pisses her off. She finds it to be disrespectful.” He pointed her at Daryl. “Lucky for you, she’s not feeling too thirsty today.” His face grew darker. “But I am. So…” His face suddenly brightened up again. “I’m gonna go get me a drink. And what better drink is there than this tall glass of-” he turned to see me still being restrained. “What the hell do you think you’re doing?” He asked the Savior holding me rightly.

He turned pale. “I-I was just-”

“How many times do I have to tell you numb-skulls?” He shook his head, grabbing my arm and pulling me back to him. “No one messes with her!” His voice was at its maximum volume and intensity. “If anyone’s gonna handle her, it’s ME!” He took a deep breath, pressing his lips to the top of my head, then led us both out of the circle.

The whistling started again, and the Saviors surrounding Daryl proceeded to beat him up. “Aren’t you gonna stop them?” I asked, trying to hide my concern. “I mean, that’s nine against one.”

“That’s protocol for any prisoner that escapes,” he nonchalantly replied.

Nine against one? That’s more than unfair.
_____________________________________

Negan and I waited in my room for Dwight to come in with Daryl. I leaned back on the counter while he sat in the chair. This time, they were going to see if they could get him to comply and join them. At this point, it might be best. Maybe we need to stop fighting to survive and allow them to rule us.

The knob turned, and the door creaked open. “Step in,” Dwight ordered Daryl.

He quietly shuffled in, keeping his head down. My heart broke seeing him so tired, beaten up and bloodied.

“Je-sus,” Negan placed Lucille on the floor and stood from the leather chair.

“You…look awful.” Well, what else did he expect?! “Don’t you worry. We’ll have Carson fix you all up. You thirsty? Here.” He handed him a glass of water. “Ah, hell, I forgot. Your mouth is all… puffed up like a baboon’s ass. Need a straw? D, give him a straw. What’s wrong with you?” I wasn’t surprised to see Dwight go straight to the right cabinet and get a straw. “See that guy? He hustles. I like hustle.” Dwight made his way back over, placing the straw in Daryl’s glass. “But believe it or not, things weren’t always cool between us. See, D here–he worked for points. Him and his super hot wife and her super hot sister.”

It dawned on me there that Sherry was his wife. As I listened to the story in detail, I began to feel sorry for Dwight. The way he acts and his dedication to the group are just fronts he puts up to survive in the Sanctuary and protect Sherry. Any noble person would do the same for someone they love, which is exactly what I intend to do if I have to.

“The point being, I think you can be that guy. I think you are ready to be that guy. You look around here. This?” He gestured around the room. “Well… it can all be yours. All you got to do is answer one simple question. Who are you?”

“Just say it,” I thought to myself. “Just say it, and we’ll have a better chance of survival.”

“What, does the cat got your tongue? You’re just overwhelmed by the awesomeness of this? I’m gonna ask you one more time.” He stood right in front of him, holding Lucille close to his face. “Who are you?”

A long period of silence went by before he looked up and answered, “Daryl.” I felt proud of him, but at the same time I believed he made a mistake.

“Oh,” Dwight groaned. “This is the only-”

“Hey. Sst, sst, sst,” Negan stopped him. “It’s cool, D. He made his choice. Ain’t my problem if he made a dumbass choice.” He stroked his hand over his chin in thought. “Go ahead and take him to the fence.”

“No, wait!” I protested before Dwight could grab Daryl. I rushed to Negan. “Don’t do this! He doesn’t deserve it. Let him live!”

“And why should I do that?” He questioned, staring down at me.

“If you do…” I trailed off, glancing sorrowfully at Daryl who discreetly shook his head, his eyes begging me to stop talking. “I’ll accept your proposal.”
Negan exploded with jubilant laughter. “Now THAT is an offer I can’t refuse! Look at you! You’re finally submitting to me!” Suddenly, he grabbed both sides of my face and smashed his lips to mine. It didn’t take long for him to pull away. He sighed and wrapped an arm around my shoulder, pulling me as close to him as possible. “Dwight, go ahead and take Daryl back. The missus and I have some business to take care of.”

Heartbroken, Daryl glanced back at me before Dwight took him back to his cell. “You made the right decision, sweetheart.” He assured me, running his hands up and down my arms. “I’ll take you to your new room.” He looked right into my eyes with that devilish smirk of his. “We can get to know each other real well.”
I might be on my way to living in luxury, but I couldn’t quite shake the feeling of being a prisoner.

Still, my philosophy stands: Whatever it takes to keep my family alive.
_____________________________________


I’ll admit, I argued with myself over this one quite a bit. Regardless, I hope y'all like it!

I also wanted to say a HUGE thanks to those of you who read “This Is It.” The feedback I’ve received has been constructive and heartwarming. You guys welcomed me back into the writing world with open arms, and I really appreciate that!

I hope you guys have enjoyed your holiday season! I get to start up again on Monday. Wheeee… Until next time! Love y'all! -LGN

(Part 3)

youtube.com
Requiem for Oda
I was going to upload this on Monday but I couldn't resist. If you haven't seen season 2 of BSD, and care a lot about spoilers, I suggest you not watch this ...

Made an AMV for Odasaku death. The music used was Requiem of Red. There are spoilers so if you care about that kind of thing and haven’t seen season 2 (Or at least the Dark Era arc), don’t watch this

7

A/N; Sorry that I’ve been so inactive lately I’ve been lacking in the ideas department. However, I have several on the way so keep your eyes peeled! 

“Ashamed of his monstrous form, the beast concealed himself inside his castle, with a magic mirror as his only window to the outside world.  The rose she had offered was truly an enchanted rose, which would bloom until his twenty-first year.  If he could learn to love another, and earn her love in return by the time the last petal fell, then the spell would be broken.  If not, he would be doomed to remain a beast for all time.  As the years passed, he fell into despair, and lost all hope, for who could ever learn to love a beast?”

Keep reading

kyra73  asked:

I shouldn't have read part 10.1, I shouldn't have read chapter 10.1 while working, Thankfully all the kids are sleeping, because I'm crying. Alex, that just broke my heart. I was so happy that Kate realised the way she behaved was not the best way and then you had to go and write that!!! Poor Kate and poor Niall. I'm praying part 2 will make them (and me) happy. Excellent writing as always. Thank you.

Thank you so very much! I am so happy you liked it. I really had NO intention of part one ending that way BUT characters are like children, they do their own thing sometimes. None of my betas knew it was coming and they all yelled at me for it. :)

Niall and Kate’s are both going to work through some stuff but part two is officially the end of this story (with the exception of some blurbs, etc…can’t stop them forever. I love them to much)

Thanks for reading and for your kind words. I am in the middle of writing part two right now so I hope to have it up soon. 

Things I liked about the Gilmore Girls Revival

Since I’ve been really salty, I thought I would list out what I did enjoy:

  • Emily Gilmore. Everything about Emily Gilmore. Her scenes broke my heart and made me laugh. Her development was perfect, and she had a wonderful ending with how she found herself. 
  • Michel. OMG. I absolutely loved Michel and his friendship with Lorelai. His “leaving” broke my heart because you knew he didn’t want to leave, but had to for his own and his family’s sake. He truly did want to help Lorelai and make the Dragonfly better, and I am glad he will be able to help with that now that they’re expanding. Also: I like that he called out Sookie, because it was so nice to see someone a) stick up for Lorelai, and b) call someone out on this shit.
  • Life and Death Brigade. While I am definitely not a Rogan shipper, seeing the LDB Brigade filled my heart with joy. They had some of my favorite moments in the latter half of the OS, and Finn was perfect, as always.
  • Luke. HOW PERFECT WAS LUKE? I absolutely adore how much he loves Rory and Lorelai. Watching him fall apart broke my heart, and I love love loved his speech to Lorelai before she proposes. 
  • The Wedding. While I think a few key people were missing, I did love how very “them” it was.
  • Richard. They did his death and how everyone dealt with his grief so beautifully. It was such a great sendoff to the character. Lorelai’s memory of him made me sob like a baby. 

It’s weird, but even though Dean’s my favorite character, I strongly suspect that he would irritate the hell out of me if we knew each other in “real life” (although I would totally have a Jo-like crush on him at the same time). My love for Dean has evolved over the years as his character has, and one of the things I’ve come to appreciate is seeing his flaws and shortcomings fleshed out just as much as his more admirable qualities.

But sometimes, I really just want to tell him to stuff it.

As much as I loved the scene in 11x04 where Sam and Dean were telling each other about their dreams and actually being honest with each other for once, I really felt for Sam because it was a harsh reminder of why they don’t open up to each other more often. Despite trying to speak up and tell Dean that it was more than just a dream, Sam pretty much immediately gets shot down by Dean, who then goes on to be his usual controlling, jerky self when he tries to write it off as a fever dream because of the infection “you failed to tell me about.” I guess it affected me personally because I’ve been in that kind of relationship where the other person always has to be right and get in the last say, even if it means making you feel like shit, and after struggling to get in a word edgewise for so long, you tend to give up and let them have it their way. (Which unfortunately usually becomes a whole lot worse than fighting because things fester and build up inside until you’re about ready to blow up.)

And honestly, that’s kinda why I cheered for Sam in 9x13 when he told Dean that he wouldn’t do the same for him (even though oh god Dean’s face fucking broke my heart). I don’t think he was saying that he wouldn’t save Dean’s life, just that he wouldn’t go about it by such deceptive means (and then s10 came along and welp). But I mean, I honestly think that by this point, that’s the only kind of thing that maybe has any chance of getting through to Dean—laying out the cold, hard truth. Tough love.

Truthfully, there’s little that would make me happier than to see Sam and Dean have a healthy, functioning relationship in which each of them is their own person and pursuing their own desires while still working together as a team (a real team where there isn’t an imbalance of power). I do think that at present, the brothers are on better ground now than they have been in a long time, and things do seem to be on the upswing, at least temporarily. But sooner or later, provided that the writers actually follow through on the “breaking the codependency” narrative that they’ve been setting up since s9, Sam and particularly Dean are gonna have to address the issue for real. 11x01 made it clear that Sam was willing to change…Dean not so much. On one hand, it’s kind of fascinating to see him be so hard-headed about it, always using the fact that they’re going to clean up their mess as an excuse for making it in the first place (and around and around we go). On the other, it’s just…sad. Especially when 11x04 gave us glimmers of what the brotherly relationship could be.

I, for one, think it’s about time for a change, and I’m extremely curious to see how this season is going to develop Dean’s character. Is he ever going to see reason and mature from his mistakes, or is he going to continue to use his sense of “duty” as a way of copping out of dealing with the deeper issues?

Can You Keep A Secret?

A/N: #latetotheparty as usual. God I just can’t seem to get my life together. Funny thing with this is, I wrote half of it a year ago and the other half tonight, so, I’m sorry if it’s bad lmao

Warnings: swearing and cheating.

Pairings: Dan x Reader

Genre: Angst

Word Count: 604 words (short af)

Song(s) Used: None

Your P.O.V

Dan. The beautiful boy with the brown eyes. God, I knew from the moment I met him that he would be the death of me. He was something from out of a movie. To me, he was absolutely perfect. The articulated words that spilled from his mouth everytime he spoke was music to my ears.

It’s just that, he didn’t initially feel the same way. I was just someone to help pass time. I made a home out of him while he was just passing through on his journey. Our stars didn’t seem to align and he broke my heart. But, I couldn’t say anything, because it was a secret. Dan and I were in a secret relationship, but I did it to make him happy, I wanted him to be happy more than anything, even if that means putting his happiness before my own.

A secret relationship should’ve been the first red flag. I understand that we couldn’t tell the whole world about it, but the fact was, I wasn’t allowed to tell my friends and family. I wasn’t allowed to tell anyone. He had his own selfish reasons for wanting a secret relationship, and I feel so stupid for not realising any sooner.

Relationships are supposed to be something fun, something to share with the person you love right? Relationships are supposed to be full of love, devotion, passion and trust.

What I did not account for was a “relationship” filled with lies, secrecy and adultery. A relationship founded on lies and secrets.

I was fully committed, but he never was. I guess I should’ve thought everything through before I agreed to something so evil and cynical. But I thought that, that was how love worked, for some odd reason.

I guess it was just the way he would talk to me, making me feel like I was the only one, the one that he wanted. I thought he cared about me, I thought that he loved me. Because that’s how he made me feel. He made me feel loved and cared about. I had never felt that way in my life before.

So, when someone walks into your life, and shows you the stars, and the new ways of life, and they show you a new side of yourself that you’ve never seen, or you never even knew existed, and they show you what it’s like to have some fun and have a good time, to let loose for a little while, always sleep with one eye open at night. Never fully believe a word that they say, be wary of what they do and say.

Because when you agree to a cynical thing, it feels like you can only blame yourself for the way that things turn out .

“Did I do something wrong?”

“Whats wrong with me?”

“Am I not good enough?”

“Was it something I said or did?”

Those are the kind of thoughts I am talking about. They will bug you at night, they will inhabit your mind.

I guess I was just blinded by the thought that true love can exist and I was dancing with the illusion that, that’s what true love looked like.

I guess that’s the reason I’m so fucked up now.

boyfriend!luke coming home to see you sobbing in the middle of the living room. your whole body is shaking in emotional pain and once you see luke, you just break down even more. he drops everything he’s holding and crawls his way towards to you bring you in his arms. your hands are ice cold and you’re shaking so much that it’s transferring to luke. he tightens his arms around you while rests his head on your shoulder, whispering reassurance that you’re going to be okay. after a while of staying in that position, he unwraps one arm to wipe away the tears from your red cheeks. all you could see on his face was the saddest frown which made you want to sob even more. luke shakes his head once he realizes you’re about to cry even more and caresses your cheek with his thumb. “please don’t cry, my love. it breaks my heart seeing you in this much pain.” he says, leaning his forehead against yours while booping your nose with his own. “i will love you until the end of time. you’re my whole world and i’ll always be here for you, okay?” his words were enough to stop the constant flow of tears and make your breathing become regular again. you pulled away from his hand to rest your head on his chest, the sound of his heartbeat making you grow more tired. you and luke stayed in that position, silence filling the entire room until you broke it. “i don’t know what i’d do without you.”

1.) You could drag us through hell and we’d make it out alive, but if you let go while we stood on top of a flame; I’m not sure if I’d burn with you or drag you into another circle we can’t escape from. If you leave us here, don’t call. If you kept us breathing and it’s a miracle that we still love each other, are we still friends or just lovers who knew too much? Don’t text, don’t write. Bye.

2.) Learning all about you, but I already knew everything. Now? It’s all gossip about what they’re wearing and what funny videos can make us laugh the hardest. A shallow and hollow thing to love what is not ours and hate what is us. If you were all that I needed, I could stay… and I could love you until we died from old age, but we’re young and I think you taught me that people change. We’re no longer the same.

3.) Mirroring everything from the way we smiled to the way sentences were finished. Inside jokes of the sweetest beginnings. The love letters were always enough. If I held you hand and sensed a bit of tragedy, I wonder if you knew as well. Love was dying to end.

4.) Trust, the sad ship that didn’t know a storm would sink all things. If it gets broken and we both committed to see it through, it will never look the same. Like fast food left out for a week, it’s edible, but there isn’t much nutrition. That cigarette we put out, some things don’t hit as hard the second time around. The last time we made love, I’m certain you felt it in your heart. Promises don’t look the same if we broke our pinkies while making it. Don’t come running back to me, if my presence is all you need.

5.) Those tv shows, they were fun, right? You want to know what’s not? Watching it without you. How the episodes are a reminder of dead people and comedy doesn’t make us laugh; tears are for the regretful and hunny, I have plenty of it. Don’t you?

6.) We had our own language, secret spots we talked about going to, but there was never enough time. If I could hold the hands of time and slowed us down, could we return to being gentle? I miss your pretty smile, but it hurts me to see it as not mine. Your happiness comes first, so I’m glad you found a sweeter person to smile for. I’m sorry about the tears, but what’s mine will always be yours. Unfold with me.

7.) Getting lost inside of your thoughts, and seeing our differences really tore us apart. The more we got to know each other, the more we split up. Split ends catch on fire as much as rose thorns do. What’s that called again? Oh, right. Unrequited love. A love that was returning and selfish. We are torn, but we will survive this, I think.

8.) Some nights you did the crying, some nights I did. Did we ask for it? Probably not, but some nights we did. I know I wasn’t the best thing since poetry, but you weren’t. We still managed to keep it together, but some years I could swear we drowned. Some months I can hear your silence. Some weeks we’re back to the pools of hate. Some days, hell, everyday… I can still see your image as you held onto my fingertips that knew of us. The smell you left on my shoulders, a springtime I can’t forget. If you tore apart my heart, please stitch it back once you got what you came for. You’re in my head and the backspacing I did in some texts weren’t meant for you to read. Baby, I’m sorry. Forgive me some other time.

9.) Our little memories constantly on rewind as I’m still trying to remove my stained smile from the carpets of hell. If I wasn’t so splattered and the roses weren’t as bloody, I bet we could hold onto the tenderness of year one. Can you breathe? I hope so, because I can’t. You don’t know what you do to me.

10.) The time we walked to the park and talked about lovely nothings. A simple moment, the best kind. It’s the simple things that make up the complex details of an unsettling relationship. If you were all mine and I had more time to clean up my head, some lovers still need to die. We are as dead now as when we first kissed.

11.) Feelings of the first torch mankind held, that was us. If I had a bullet for every time you controlled an outcome, hell would be packed to the cell. I think we all have a bit of demons still crying to break out and make it home. If I was all yours and I didn’t love to yell, maybe we could still be friends. Maybe I could still call without saying sorry, maybe I could text you without crying and maybe I could love you without hating every bit of your silliness.

12.) Because you may not know love until you say I found my soulmate. I thought you were the one, hell, you might still be the one, but love was meant to break us. That’s how we grow. I picked up poetry because I ran out of ways to say I missed your smile today, funny, right? I don’t say it anymore, but if we still talked every day… hey, I miss your smile. I don’t want you to stay, I just wanted you to feel something. I hope you never get numb to the thoughts of us, like I have.

13.) Trying to forget you, yeah, that’s impossible. How can you forget an extension of your soul? That’s what you were. How can you not feel that long break in your heartbeat? That’s you too. How can I not love myself? You once defined us as something forever could love, something always planned, and we’re stardusts from the same sun. If I gave you what you need, you still picked yourself every time. I don’t blame you, I’d pick myself too.

14.) We never took enough pictures, we weren’t like the average couple. Going out to movies and nice dinners. Always out of time, the youthful love trying to grow up. We never did a lot of things except for creating more memories to overflow the mind. My brain is running out of room to breathe, to store, maybe that’s why I’m always up at night. Each poem is a memory slipping from my memories. I’m sorry, I’m slowly forgetting your hair color, the way you made that face when you were disgusted, the way you laughed because they were being stupid, the way your mom had you in chains, I’m forgetting your average eye color and that’s scaring the fuck out of me. I don’t remember your face without scrolling through old photos, that must be why they call it nostalgia. We’re dying, baby.

15.) You’re probably crying and reading this list or using your new technique to skim through this quickly. I’m sorry, it won’t be that easy to skip through my pain. You’re reading every word, every line, every number and I want you to know that each poem even if it’s not about you; you’re in every verse, every metaphor, every simile as if you were more than human. That’s how I make you feel, right? Like you were more. Here’s to that. You’ll feel like a bit more torn, more tears dripping from the corners of your eyes and I’m sorry, but those are as much mine as they are yours. We knew how to undress the body before we took care of the heart. That is our flaw. You followed without complaining and I played while being blind. If I said I love you now, you could still smell spring and its first rain.

16.) If you could breathe with him, I’m happy for you, I am. I could never give you that. I had anxiety around your family and even though they hated me, I still stuck around. Time doesn’t change hate, it doesn’t. Dear Nightingale, if you made it this far, I hope you can get away from traps of the mind and learn to live freely. Away from toxic lovers, demanding family ties and some poetry that can cast a spell. I wish you learn to fly without having to make a stop at every bridge. Some bridges burn brightest when we’re standing on it, I hope you can find true love one day even if it means you’re alone and it’s just you that you’ll love.

17.) I heard about our love within a dream and the best friends knew they’d fall in love. I was yours and you were mine, but controlling is what controlling does. We will be timeless and the stars may seem bright, but that’s the best part. It was never about us, it was about growing and letting go. If you made it this far without shedding one tear, I’m proud of you. That’s how we’ll grow from this. I know it has been months, but you’re still as much on my mind now as when we first ran into each other in Algebra.

18.) If we ever met as strangers, I hope every memory bites your cells and you succumb to the feelings because that’s how I am each night. You’ve always been too busy to smell the flowers. You have. I hope you learn to slow yourself down and enjoy the breeze. I hope you are hopeful and learn to breathe with him. I like him, I do. He’s different in every aspect, how couldn’t I love him? He’s everything I kind of want to be.

19.) True love was never for us. We should’ve stayed as friends. Planetary afflictions made the best lovers, but some writer’s block is impossible to write over. Some hearts stop during the a.m. Some lovers drop jaws and get restless once the dead comes back to life. I’m sorry, but love isn’t for everyone. What we had was bad, but love you, I did. If we could write another chapter, I’d leave it blank. Some friends weren’t meant to love.

20.) If I could hold your hand each night before I went to bed, if I held your curves gently and laid there breathing instead of sweating, if I knew how to kiss you with innocence instead of lust, if you weren’t beautiful in every angle and I wanted to frame that into my thoughts, if I was more heartfelt and more mature, if I knew how to handle candy with decisiveness and didn’t rot my teeth with your sweets, if I had less cracks and you didn’t slip into every single one, if I whispered instead of yelling, if I was a better lover…

I wouldn’t have to write any of this.
I’m sorry, I still love you.
I hope you don’t hate me,
best friend of mine.

—  20 reasons as to why you should fall in love with your best friend and… why you also shouldn’t.

To My Mother-In-Law,

You have been crying hysterically to your daughter, my sister-in-law. You insist you don’t know what you’ve done and believe that I have turned your son against you.

You will never believe the truth, so I have not bothered trying to tell you. But to answer your question, this is what you’ve done:

(1)    Let’s start at the beginning. When your husband was beating the shit out of your son, your beautiful precious 8-year-old angel, where were you? Where were you? When I asked your son this, he said, “In her room. If she would have done anything, Dad would have just hit her instead.” You know what? That’s probably true. You know what else? That means you used your eight-year-old child as a human shield.

(2)    The first Thanksgiving B & I were together, the whole family decided we should do the holiday at my house. I had the most space, the biggest kitchen, and no children to schedule around. You and your husband did come – but nobody else in the family did. Everyone else cancelled the day before, after I’d already bought the food to feed 11 and started cooking.
And what did you say, the next day? You invited us over to your house for dinner on Sunday, since you “didn’t get a Thanksgiving this year.”
I cried for a week. Your son was so angry with you, he decided we would never host another family event at our house again. Did you catch that? Your son decided.  

(3)    When, after five years of heartbreak, we learned that we couldn’t get pregnant, you told him to replace me. First, you assumed I’m the problem. Second, you told your son to replace me. It doesn’t matter how many times you say “I’m just joking,” after the fact. Third… you essentially taught him that people who can’t give you grandchildren are worthless. You assumed I’m the problem. You have no idea how damaging that was to your son’s self-esteem, much less his relationship to. We can’t give you grandchildren, so we are worthless.

(4)    When he had his legs blown off in Iraq and barely made it home alive, you put together all the emails you exchanged with your sisters into a book you self-published and said to me, “This is my ticket to Oprah.” How I wish I was making this up.
Your son’s loss of limbs was a money making venture for you.
You asked me to edit the book, and I limited myself to just fact-checking… “no, he wasn’t in Colorado, he was in Vegas.” You threw out my edits, and posted an account of your son that was essentially false. I said nothing, and I bought my parents each a copy of your book.

(5)    I went with my mother on a road trip, leaving B at home, and the night before we left I made corned beef & cabbage since I would be missing St Paddy’s day. B was thrilled and put a picture on facebook. You told him I’d cooked the wrong kind of corned beef, and when he asked you to please just be happy he has a wife who cooks, you wanted to know why he was so disrespectful, why he was so mean to you. I knew nothing of this until I got home, because B refused to tell me about the argument. I heard about it when my Father-in-Law CC’d me on the reply to the angry email you sent him wanting to know if his illustrious son had cut him off, too.

(6)    This is not a complete list. But you should know that the final straw – the thing that broke your relationship with your son – was when your daughter planned a surprise party for your 60th birthday. She scheduled it for more than a week before your birthday – on a day I was working, and my husband had to stay home with houseguests – and only gave us a week’s notice. We’d had plans for over a month before the invite even arrived, and since it was a surprise party, B couldn’t tell you he wasn’t coming.
When he didn’t show up, you texted him: “It’s good to finally know for sure where I stand with you.” You never bothered to ask why.
You went on to say it was all because of me, that I had control of his life. While I do have control of his money, because he lost impulse control when he was blown up in Iraq, you only know that because I stopped letting him write you checks. You spent the money he got from his life insurance payout on a jacuzzi and then complained to him that you needed a new car, too.
And because I have control of his money, I can do things like buy him a new truck for his birthday. Because me having control means we still have it. And he will be the first person to tell you that.
And he did tell you that, right after he told you that it was an insult to him to say I was controlling him.
Honestly, I took it as a compliment to me.
You actually think I am such a good puppet-master that I can compel your son into a 3.8 GPA at a prestigious private university, win him an unprecedented $25K research grant as an undergraduate in an art field, and land him a job at an Ivy League school before he even graduates, all while working as an RN and taking care of my ever-expanding family-by-choice. If I am capable of that, all while saving enough money to drop $40K on a new truck for him to drive in, I am in the wrong fucking line of work.
But for your son? To say that to your own son, to tell him that he isn’t his own person? To say you don’t believe he is making his own choices, living his own life? To have so little faith in his capabilities as a person to conclude somebody else is controlling him?
You broke his heart.
And you should know that he took that injury to his psychologist, not me.
He and his psychologist decided that it would be best for him to not have you in his life.
Not me.
Because I would have said, like I always said, no, honey, she is your mother. I didn’t even hear about it until it was done.

Because, you see, Roberta, I was willing to put up with your hatred and your manipulation. I was willing to live my life knowing my Mother-in-Law wanted my husband to replace me. I invited you to every function, every holiday, despite your son’s protests, for the same reason every time: “because she is your mother.” I was willing to sit in your living room and smile as you pretended you liked me, knowing full well the second I left you would spill venom.

…because your children talk to each other, you see. We all know what you say about us when we’re not around.

I was content to deal with you for the rest of your life. Why? Because your son is worth it.

Because I love him more than I could ever articulate, and your vitriol is a tiny price to pay to have him in my life. You are his mother and you being related to me is a necessary evil to have this amazing, stubborn, talented, unbelievable man at my side. I don’t care how much you hate me.

But your son?

You made your son choose between us.

That is what you did.  You don’t have him in your life anymore because you forced him to choose.

Given how little you think of him, are you really surprised at the decision he reached?

WIth endless patience and ambivalence,

your son’s wife

I’ve been trying to figure out what my feelings were about Tony’s exit, and there are a lot of words involved here because I had a lot of feelings to work through.

First of all, while I find change necessary and refreshing, I also think it is rather painful, and it’s something I have to write my way through so that I can move past it.  And something about this series final story was incredible painful for me, and I’m sure I’m not the only one.  I haven’t read much of anyone’s posts about last night, but I’m conversant enough with this fandom’s various opinions to guess what some of them might be, so maybe I’m repeating what has already been said.

It meant something to me that Ziva was alive when she left in season 11.  It meant that there were possibilities for her character even if she was gone.  It meant that there was something invincible about her, given that most characters on this show, male and female, are killed off when they’re written out.  So it means something that she’s dead.  I kept thinking throughout the episode that surely someone was mistaken.  I think that’s been my experience as a Tiva fan: you continue to believe in the impossible and refuse to accept the reality in front of you.  If you hear that Ziva is gone and that Cote has left, you immediately start hoping and planning for the day when she might come back, against all odds.  So when you hear that she’s gone for good, you keep waiting for the time when that’s not true.  I mean, there were pretty big hints dropped that this would happen, there have always been hints that the thing we want isn’t gonna happen they way we want it to. It’s delusional, but still, there’s a part of me that won’t stop hoping or maybe there’s just a part of me that won’t allow myself to feel devastated by the realities of what we saw on screen and whatever happened behind the scenes and whatever bridges were burned to put an end to this character.

Because there’s something about her character that hasn’t ended, and this is where I continue to feel conflicted.  My brain tells me that ZIva is now among the list of women who have died to serve another man’s storyline, which feels weird because for years when she was on the show, she owned her own story.  I often thought Tony served her journey, and now it’s the other way around, and it’s difficult for me to get my head around that.  She wasn’t sidelined when she was on the show like some many women on tv imo, but now she’s gone, and yet she and her sister live on through her child with Tony.  

And THIS is what shocked me more than anything.  This is were the harsh brutality of Ziva dying meets the fanfiction scenario of her having a child with Tony.  What the fuck??? There’s really no way I saw that really happening on this show of all shows.  Ever.  This was the very last thing I thought this show would do.  Ziva’s death devastated me, but this storyline is the more shocking of the two.  Now Tony has become one of a list of men on this show (Senior, Gibbs’s dad, Vance, Fornell) who are/were single parents.  The man who was afraid of children has a child that he left his job for to take care of.  

And this is where I become conflicted again. This storyline feels unreal.  Tony was supposed to lead his own team.  At one point, I thought he would lead this one in D.C.  And now he’s leaving to be a dad and to heal and find answers.  It feels unlike Tony, and yet, that’s the point.  While I watched the episode, it feel like the old Tony was going away, disappearing and becoming someone else.  Tony as a father doesn’t feel like the same guy I’ve been watching for 300+ episodes.  He hasn’t become an absent parent out of grief and anger like Senior did all those years ago.  Unlike all the other men on this show, he, in the end, hasn’t run back to work to avoid his emotions or to reestablish some normality.  Everything has changed for him, and he has changed completely in response to this.  It’s shocking to me. 

Where women typically are shown as having to choose between work and family, Tony has been placed in this position, and he chose to be with his family, to go to the places that reminded him of Ziva, her life in Israel, and the best times he spent with her there and in Paris. Maybe that might seem emasculating to some, like he is still under Ziva’s power or her shadow, rather than forging a professional life of his own as the leader he was supposed to be, just as Ziva’s death might have felt misogynistic to others, because she died to give him this new life.  

I acknowledge the problematic aspects of this storyline, Tony and Ziva’s past, and this show in general.  I also realize that there are other things I feel, too, like that for this show to continue, for better or worse, it had to get itself out from under the shadow of Tiva once and for all.  Some things had to be laid to rest.  Whether that will work out or not isn’t my concern or under my control.  I don’t know if I’ll continue to watch the show, not out of hatred for anything that happened storyline-wise, but because I think I got on that elevator with Tony, metaphorically speaking.  I keep thinking more about where that character ends up than what will become of the characters who remain, and that’s not meant to be a slight against the show or the cast.  It’s just how I feel at the moment. 

And with that I might have purged myself of all those thoughts I’ve been playing with these last 15 or so hours.  I’ve gotten over the series finale of Six Feet Under, which was emotionally rough for me because there was so full of death of everything and everyone I loved on that show, and it took me days, weeks, months, maybe years to get over it, so I know I’ll get over this finale.  Once I do, I hope to look back at this story fondly, even if it broke my heart and blew my mind at the same time.  I hope we see a little of Tony and Tali again, possibly years from now, because that was too much for me to handle. 

As for Tony, while I have conflicted feelings about everything apparently, I also love what he became because of it, which makes me more confused.  So I’ll have to reconcile myself with my own feelings in time.