and i am ocd about these kinds of things

i have ocd but not like pretty poem ocd, not like “oh you like things neat ocd.” i really like that spoken word piece about him loving a girl and getting stuck kissing her but it’s not accurate to me. i think i kiss nicely when i’m not so sad i can’t kiss at all. it’s hard to kiss me when i’m crying, standing half-naked in your room, out of my mind. it’s hard to kiss me when you’re angry because i’ve been stuck for two hours now. it’s not cute or poetic when it’s your own body betraying you.

i am sitting in the car with three other people i kind of but don’t really know when i realize. they have no idea. they have no idea and never will because my ocd doesn’t reach into my mouth. actually it lives in my throat. actually i can’t talk about it because it’s one of my compulsions.

did you know an eating disorder is an obsessive compulsive disorder. did you know that? when i was younger, ocd was about even lines and prettily arranged folding. the numbers thing is real though. i don’t even like math. did you know it’s how people with severe anxiety cope. i literally developed a mental illness to control another one. if that doesn’t sum up my life i don’t know what else does.

i laugh at something someone said and i think: how many of us have symptoms that aren’t something other people look out for. i mean, i look out for it, always, all the time, trying to help people like how i don’t get help. but i miss things, don’t i. 

out of the corner of my eye i watch her draw a heart in the condensation of the window. i wonder if she’s hurting in ways other people don’t know about. i wonder if i can make it better or if i’m just projecting or if maybe we’re all just sitting in a car with our secrets, folding them up until they make paper birds inside of us.

i want to take out your paper birds and arrange them and maybe i can add mine. and one day when we’re drunk we’ll both take turns unfolding them. i will have to write in order to explain my compulsions. and the next day we’ll both get into cars with half-strangers and we’ll have to start again, learning someone’s sad bits so we can help them.

i hope it gets easier. i hope i learn to help everyone. i hope i find you one day and ask you if you’re okay like how i hope one day someone figures out i’ve got ocd without me having to tell them. but it’s okay. 

i’m watching out for you. i want to be your someone.


Since i didn’t do anything for my 100 followers SPECIAL EXTRAVAGANZA; i was gonna do a ff but i unfortunately got too stressed (I’m sorry, please forgive me.) so i thought i could write a few words about my friends (girlfriend :p). It’s also in alphabetical (kinda) order because i’m an ocd freak. Also I guess I couldn’t decide whether or not when to capitalize words but oh well; also sorry this is really long but i love my friends.

@clouds-howell: Isabel, you have always been kind and encouraging. You always know the right things to say and when to say them, making them the powerful words. You’ve always kept up everyone’s spirit. You’re also very beautiful btw. I am proud to be called your friend/child and I love you.

@curlydans: AVA, my meme, my associate (my ass hehehe), my partner in crime. I love you to death man. You’re inspiring, caring, compassionate, a literal mum, protective in the best way possible, talented, lovable man, and beautiful personalities lead to beautiful faces amiright. What’s your secret for making the best icons. You WERE MY FIRST INTERNET MUTUAL MATE. You’re also the only straight internet friends i have so that makes you special. HAVE YOU EATEN? HYDRATED? HEALTHY? Love you :*

@disgustinglygay: Emma, i’m so jealous of your url honestly. Whom did you kill in order to get it? Emma you have a beautiful voice, a beautiful personality, a beautiful face. You’re hilarious, gorgeous, warm-hearted, kind, gifted, and lovable. I love you and i hope you love me too. :)

@huphilpuffs: Callie, my beaut. Callie you are so intelligent, sometimes I have to look up the words you say. You have a prodigious vocabulary mate. You are also wise, kind, you are talented within writing, drawing, and making gifs. You’re adorable and pure, beautiful. I hope you are majorly confident with yourself because you should be. Love ya.

@internet-importance: Hello my friend, fellow, buddy, ‘ol pal. YOU ARE TALENTED MY DEAR, you bring the ugly cackle out of me, you are daniel james howell himself, of course i love you. Stylish, ggggggood music taste, a meme, bubbling with humour, and lovely. I always have the best times with you. Thank you for ever coming into my mum’s office because it would then start the spark of a friendship, one of the best ones i’ve ever had. Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you. Love you.

@kawaiiphancake: Mate, Jess. Hello I love you. I know you may be busy but I wanted to hope you are doing well in school. You are a little ocd (remember when you counted up all the eyes in my emoji-face thing, ye good times.) which made me love you. You’re sooooo kind and always check up on us even when busy. You communicate really well with others and you’ve always been supportive of me. Thank you Jess. Love you man.

@nutellalester: Daniel, daniel, daniel. You are one of the strongest boys I know, one of the strongest people. I am sorry for all those times I have made you feel bad. (I’m sorry, i’m sorry, i’m sorry.). You have been through soooo much and you are still here, still strong. You’re beautiful, HILARIOUS, lovely, my baby boi, talented, hard-working, good listener, a joy to be around, clumsy, dependant, and i love you.

@pasteldoothowell: Cathryn, my dear Cathryn. YOU ARE A BEAUTIFUL SOUL (fight me, fight me, fight me.), you’re caring, compassionate, talented, lovely, passionate, you’re giving, open-minded, accepting, protective mother, TALL BOI, pure, amazing personality, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU. :* sweety. You should be proud and confident within yourself because i sure am (with you btw).

@pepperminthowell: Charlotte, my boi. You are the key reason to my happiness; you are like a mother to me. You are caring for me, beautiful, you compliment me, and you even brought my girlfriend and I together and I am very thankful for that. I remember when i used up all my ask for you because i was obsessed. I became a fan of you and to now say you’re a friend drowns me in pride and happiness. Thank you and love you Charlotte.

@purepastelphan: Kenzie, you know when to slip into the conversation easily but you add so much more life to it. You are a beautiful angel, kind-hearted, warm (this is a compliment), you are a caring and invaluable friend, you have irreplaceable beauty, personality, kindness, love; you are irreplaceable. Love you.

@lestersdog: well, well ,well, if it isn’t the love of my life. Gabrielle, I saved you for last (best for last they always say) because you are special to me. You make me my happiest by simply saying the words Hi. Your presence fills me with the utmost giddiest joy; the ones I would feel as a child. I have put all of my trust with you. I want you to hold on to what we have for dear life; it may be hard at times but know, one day I will get to see you and hug you, to love you. It’s gonna be worth it. My friend had pointed at how gross we were being (the cheesy romantic). I had said we’re in the 2009 phase. She disagreed to state she could handle 2009 but not us. I LOVE AND HATE US AT THE SAME TIME. We make each other gifts, say cheesy things, I EVEN CONFESSED MYSELF WITH CHEESY PICK-UP LINES. You’re beautiful, an angel, a blessing, a goddess, gorgeous, stunning. Still, when you say things like you wanna hold my hands i blush and my chest feels tickled. I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you. If I could I would send you all the carnations in the world. My love, my dear, my one and only, the love of my life, sweetheart, darling, dear, piglet, my flower, honey, sugar, love, Gabrielle i love you. I love you, i love you, i love you. I love you.

blackhorseandthecherrytree  asked:

:o CAN YOU TALK TO ME ABOUT THE BATFAMILY AND TRAUMA because it feels like this is a subject in which you have a great deal of knowledge

Okay, I could talk for hours about this, honestly. There are so many lettered disorders that fit the Batfamily (OCD, RAD, FAS, SPD, PTSD, ASD, plus bipolar, depression, anxiety, insomnia, etc) and they can all be the RESULT of trauma or the result of innate brain structure. There’s so much that I’m actually tempted to write a few essays about it. But for the sake of answering the ask, I’ll hit a few major points and I am 100% open to questions/more specific asks.

Canon is a mess, obviously, but there are some things that either consistently track or show up regularly in fanon for each character. I think first we need to differentiate the kinds of trauma each character has experienced because both the type of and duration of the event and the age at which it’s experienced can make a difference.

Keep reading

when st vincent and cara were dating there was a 10 year age gap and someone I followed stopped being a st vincent fan and like really carried a grudge, calling her disgusting for dating a younger person and stuff. I really respected that person’s opinion but that kind of thing made me INSANE and I’m more stringent about age gaps than anyone I know irl but it still feels good to be able to reject that now, like, cara was a young adult but still an adult with plenty of life experience, the age I am now. feels good to no longer look to other people with scrupulosity-based OCD for what I should be thinking and feeling and obsessing over