and how that will be the hardest thing to face

You are finding it a little bit more difficult to concentrate lately.  It isn’t so much that you forget things, you know, out of the realm of pure fantasy, but you’ve noticed, haven’t you, how things just kind of fade away at the edges sometimes?  You can see that you’re standing there talking to someone.  You can remember their face, you see their face all the time.  They’re saying something to you, and you’re hearing the gist of the story.  There are words involved, words you are familiar with (did you end that sentence with a preposition, eh, fuck it, move on) and someone is saying something to you, and it feels important, it feels like this person is urgently communicating something to you, and goddamnit, you are trying your hardest to pay attention, but you are finding it a little bit more difficult to concentrate lately.  Head grows a spontaneous layer of fuzz, almost like having hearing difficulty, listening through cotton. 

You are aware that a certain faraway look has landed in your eyes.  You get that from people sometimes.  Once or twice a particularly uninspired person has snapped their fingers, snapped their fingers, in front of your face, waved their hand impatiently up & down less than three inches, three inches, from your face, “Hello?  Earth to _____!  You in there?”  And yeah, of course, you’re in there, you’re always in there, it’s just that lately you seem to be out there - not really entirely sure where that is, but it’s somewhere right before you cross the street to go to the gym.  For some reason that crosswalk just sticks right in your mind.  Crossing the street to go to the gym, breath huffing in the air, body already slightly tensed in preparation for the workout it is about to endure.  You feel comfortable here.  Wore sweatpants the other day, a snug Nike therma-fit hoodie.  You jogged here.  But it’s “Hello?  Earth to ______?  You in there?”  And yeah, of course, you’re in there, it’s just that it takes you a minute to come back from that place, right before you go into the gym, because once you’re in, it’s all Your Future Body all over the place, walking so close by you that you could reach out and touch your future, but you don’t, you can’t.  Your body is buzzing with pre-workout.  But it’s “Hello?  Hell-ooooo?”  And you come back to where you are, and they’re all concerned, it’s written all over their faces and “Were you even listening to me?”  And you nod, of course you nod, it’s appropriate to nod, and you know, things can move on from there.  There’s after all, only a few more hours until you’re standing in front of the gym, having crossed that road.

It’s nice to notice the little things, too, the little things like how your t-shirt sleeves kind of cling a little more to your arms as you move.  It is not as though they have a choice.  There is a touch more confidence in how you speak to strangers, in the way you open doors and walk down the street.  A small amount of force has begun to swirl around you, has begun to coalesce as an invisible fist inside of you.  You are propelled differently, moved through the hours by different motivations, different energies.  What you have chosen to use for fuel alters your engine.  Fresh fruit, lean meat.  Dark, vivid greens.  You carry a source of water, your urine is nearly 100% clear all the time.  You process breath differently, you inhale and exhale deeper and cleaner.  This is as a result of working with weights.  Your very structure and foundation is beginning to change. 

Is it any wonder, then, that those around seem slightly concerned?  Perhaps not concerned, but there are those little comments.  Lookin’ good.  Lost some weight.  It’s paying off.  And the time you secretly rolled up your sleeve in a secluded area, looked furtively both ways, and flexed your bicep for a friend.  “Look, check it out.”  You have nothing to hide, but you’re still a little self-conscious.  Don’t worry.  That will change, too.  The mirror tells you that’s true, and you’ve been spending just a little more time in reflection lately, too.  Here and there.  A few extra seconds, quick experimental flexes, with the toothbrush hanging out of your mouth - or just before you leave the house.  Just real quick, a little pulse, a little grin, a little satisfied grin.

Lately, there are two voices in your head.  One says “change,” the other says “work.”  Lately, they are becoming a chorus.  They have been joined by “fuel” and “refuel.”  You can hear others starting to join in, at first softly, then loudly, firmly.  “Achieve.”  “Win.”  “Push.  “Lift.”  “Gains.”  More still in the background, urging you to listen, urgently communicating, and you listen.  You listen to what they have to say and you hear what they have to say and you do what they say.  If that means sometimes other shit gets a little softer, maybe fades out altogether, you don’t mind so much.  You don’t mind so much at all, because to mind something is to listen to something, to hear something, and you’re doing so much of all that hearing and listening already that it must be impossible to listen to much else.  And you don’t really want to, because you wouldn’t still be listening, hearing, nodding, agreeing, flexing in the mirror again, c’mon bro, flexing just real quick, it won’t hurt anyone, it’s kind of like a game, huh, flexing in mirrors, maybe even just a quick one in public, somewhere people might see, maybe you do it real quick and maybe you even whip out your phone, you snap a picture, hours later you’re staring at the picture, you’re staring at yourself flexing.  You’ve set up an Instagram, but you haven’t used it, no, not yet.  Don’t start to think about how far you’ve come.  Don’t start, it gets a little wobbly, doesn’t it, a little oops, off-your-balance, dizzy.  Kinda like climbing up, up, up there where the air is rare and you realize how far up you are, the sun is spangling in your eyes, you’re out of breath, you’re grinning, you’re pumping your arms…

You are finding it difficult to concentrate lately.  But it’s not a big deal.  It’s not like you’re not listening, not focused.  You’ve just shifted your focus.  And once you see something a slightly different way, from a slightly differently angle, it’s hard not to see it from that angle again, and again, and again and again.  Keep coming back to it, and you’ll see.  Things change, and sometimes just imperceptibly, right out of the corner of your eye, and sometimes, just sometimes, it throws the whole thing askew -

Some Supercat lines   |  Some  Random thoughts

“I finished it for you
Technically both Cat and Kara wrote the letter, that brought Cat’s son back into her life. 

“I was just trying to help you
“I dont want that to happen to you and Adam”
Kara protecting Cat from pain.    

“Miss Grant i have known you for a while now”
This is not how they spoke on the pilot. Not to mention how close she got to her to say it.

“Sometimes its easier facing the past with a little help.”
Kara goes beyond her “assistant duties” to reach out to Cat. Not only to prevent her from having this deep regret and void she’s been carrying around but to indirectly offer to be by her side as she does it. Let me help you. Let me be your rock. You dont have to do it alone. This is probably the hardest thing Cat’s had to do after leaving adam in the first place…and  Kara saw her through it.

You crossed a line”
I just love that the ‘professional’ line between Cat + Kara’s relationship keeps getting blurrier and blurrier. for them both, mind you.

Overall, I’m really exited for yet another emotionally charged scene between them and look forward for more. Tho, most of the time I was really conscious of the door being open. What did the rest of their coworkers think? When Kara raises her voice and walks up to her. It just made it even more intimate to me. Them not caring who sees them.

“i need you   ‘in the office’   now”
“Why didnt you prep me?”
This line is just absurd. and so so so vulnerable. Award winning Cat Grant admits to novice journalist Kara Danvers. “i AM OUT of my element”– “you just left and let me mess up as i do, kira”–“Where were you when i needed you”     #ughhh   #these two. And codependancy.   will be the death of me.
[remember when: “im pretty sure you can do anything, miss grant” ]
[well…not this, keirah.      Not without you]

Notice the technical language Cat uses/hides in as if she isnt completely exposing herself.  “why didnt you prep me”- she says - as if this was as casual as any of her many interviews -  As if her heart hadnt been ripped out of her chest. and left for the world to see.  There’s so much tension in that scene: There’s tension within Cat about opening up and asking for help, admitting she’s failed. There’s tension about them breaching further their no longer professional relationship. There’s tension about what’s at risk. [ Also. dont imagine Cat losing it on her own in her office. Until finally deciding on calling Kara. Only to call her 10 times and have her not respond. Dont imagine how she felt when she finnaly heard Kara’s voice on the other end of that phone. don’t do that to yourself. ]

“I will fix this. I promise.”  
“im sorry it didnt go well”
“ K—”
well here we are. I could babble on about this scene for about 5 pages. This is where I honestly have trouble remembering they are not a couple on this show. Everything, ever since the pilot has led us to this moment. And it did not disappoint.

***I cant actually get into it bc this post wouldn’t end! ***
BUT goddamn it this episode!      When and how did we get to the point where Kara is making the most meaningful of promises to Cat after Cat calls her in the middle of the night to her balcony because she needs her?   These two got married and forgot to tell us! 

Kara used to cringe at anything Cat said. Now she can barely hold her giggles around her. When she’s being “mean”. 

(dont have an actual line for this one)^^^^^^
But  I’m really proud of Kara. To me, how she responds to Cat now,  reflects growth both in Her and their relationship. 

“or she was really good at pretending” “you’re fired” | keep walking off the balcony:
Kara misbehaved. But i too, think that Cat’s firing her was almost like a reflex she has, to when things get too close. To push back.- a coping mechanism. Same as when she tells her to walk off the balcony. Or i need you “in the office”.   But Kara sees through it now. Without missing a beat, knowing her cat as she does,  she asks her howww the dinner went. She goes to the source of the problem. Cat may have gotten good at pretending But Kara certainly  appreciates the subtle vulnerability behind this titan of a woman.

Just between us, i think Cat’s dont-let-them-see-you-bleed front is a childhood custom she partially developed | relied on from the relationship with her mother.  (I say partially bc, I know its more complicated than just mommy issues.) 

“Despite the tone we agreed you wouldnt use”:
Last but not least… “the tone”– Now, i love that line but not for the reason you think. (i love it for all the reasons but) Truth is, i nearly piss myself over the first time  Cat and Kara referred to each other as “we” in the first place! That’s just the kind of shipper i am. If my ship refers to each other as “ we” under any random context or does anything together as a [ we ] ….. i just

Only to then get this 6-years-in-a-commited-relationship-we-bicker-but-i-love-her-more-than-anything “ we”  out of the blue!! #my poor shipper heart

HONORABLE MENTIONS:

Sentimental Sunny Danvers | Heartless Narcissistic Monster  
Of course, Kara’s tone was hyperbolic and Cat was being sarcastic but in that lie. There is the truth that the show is using them to contrast from one another. They are each other’s opposite. 

DOMESTIC SUPERCAT….where did you come from and please stay
“oh, well, you know Kara! she’s probably cleaning up the mess she made with that last thing she ate. Does that girl ever stop eating?”
Cat knows Kara to be a messy eater.  And makes a quick quip about it. And its adorable to have them notice these little things about each other. 

BBQ?!?  i can barely get dressed without checking-in with the wife first.”
—well, ii disagree with Alex, they have no boundaries! they need no boundries! They’re perfect.

I know this is kind of late to the party and vague. But 1x11 has enough supercat to last me a decade. There was so much going on. I feel like we’re scraping at the surface of something raw about them, but we’re not there yet. Or maybe that’s just my gay talking.


Bless this episode! 

 

24, Filipina-American, California

Learning to love myself is probably one of the hardest things, but I can tell I’m making progress. It may be super slight, but I can feel my confidence strengthening. After having your heart broken by someone you completely adored and loved, you feel like the world is crashing down on you. Days seem gloomy no matter how bright the sun shines. Life goes on as you feel like you’re stuck. But you have to move on. Do what you love and distract yourself with things you enjoy, and surround yourself with positive energy. I’m learning. Heartbreak changes you, and you have to use that as a chance to let it change you for the better. I’ll find another love one day. And I’ll be the best version of me. There’s always room for improvement, and I feel more beautiful every day.

anonymous asked:

Since becoming single, I can see how independent you've come. Probably doesn't make sense since we've never met, but your vibe has changed. You seem so much stronger as a person. I would like to congratulate you; overcoming heartbreak is probably one of the hardest things to face. But you did it. And that, my friend, deserves acknowledgement. Much love.

I read this five times before starting to write this reply, because I don’t know how to thank you enough for your words. Know that they made my heart feel light today.

Honestly I’ve never felt so within myself, if that makes sense. Like I’ve created this little den inside myself and I’m cozy and warm in it. I found my vibe again and I’m staying in my magic. Learning how to rise from the ashes dancing. And all of the support and encouraging words from you and others who have stopped by this little space has helped infinitely. 

Thanks again my friend.

Originally posted by livingalifeofillusion

Letting go is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. Especially when it was someone I truly cared about, I just didn’t have the words to tell him how I really felt because, I knew that it wouldn’t make a difference. I want to say I’m sorry for everything even though I have nothing to say sorry for. It’s just an excuse to talk to him. If I faced him today I wouldn’t know what to say to him because it had been so long. So, I would’ve just walked away silent, bitter, angry, disappointed. I hate to sound so depressing but if you knew me you would know that this is the deepest part of me. It’s hard for me to trust people now, because I’m afraid that they are all going to walk all over me & leave me without a care in the world like you did. I don’t know why but, for some reason I tend to hold people close to my heart which sets me up for heartache & disappointment. There is beauty in spite of all of this. I am finally starting to heal slowly but, there is that minuscule glimmer of hope in the back of my mind that things will change for the better and I don’t know why. It’s just so frustrating. All I have is memories.

starting today, i am going to try my hardest not to say anything negative about anyone behind their back or to their face. I am realizing how much i pride myself on being a ‘positive’ person, yet I continuously talk about people in negative ways, pointing out things I dont like or criticizing something that isnt any of my business to be criticizing. Starting now, I am going to suck all of the negativity out of my life by watching what I say and really looking for the good in every person and every situation

anonymous asked:

your art is really amazing! do you have any tips on how to capture likeness in a portrait?

Hi, thanks!! :) A person’s likeness is one of the hardest things to capture for an artist and I struggle with it all the time, but I love the challenge. I recommend @kleinmeli‘s portrait tutorial if you need a walkthrough. Also this, which explains fairly well how to get shapes and proportions right.

That’s the most important part of a portrait, the foundation of the whole drawing, and it’s also the trickiest one. Learn to see a face like you would see any other object, as a thing that can be deconstructed in a series of simple geometrical shapes; consider these shapes and how they’re placed in relation to each other (the distance between them, the angle they’re positioned at, etc.). Whether you draw digitally or traditionally, use a reference pic that is the same size of your sheet so that eyeballing proportions is easier; if you’re a beginner, don’t be afraid to use methods that help you with proportions (grid, tracing the basic lines, whatever, you have to start learning somehow). Flip canvas often / watch your drawing reflected on a mirror to check mistakes. Once you have the structure of the face correctly laid out you can proceed to shading and adding details. This is where the fun begins, because at this point your personal style kicks in and you can bring your portrait to life in your own way (and it doesn’t have to be necessarily realistic). 

REMEMBER: a person’s likeness is more than the sum of their facial features. So take your time to place these features in the correct shape and position, but try also to capture the expression, the lighting, the look and feeling of that specific face in that specific moment. Sometimes it’s even more important than the accuracy in itself. You also don’t have to draw everything. Half your subject’s face can fade to black or to white, be covered in mist, or just barely sketched, and you can still achieve a striking likeness. It really depends on what you want to do with your style, so experiment.

A fun exercise (if you are not a beginner) that I’ve tried myself is using gifs for reference. Choose a gif of your favourite celebrity or character’s face; keep the gif going, and try to quickly sketch what you see while the gif moves. It’s cool because it’s vaguely similar to drawing from life: you have to be able to capture the overall likeness of your subject, but without the stiffness of a “regular” photo reference.

anonymous asked:

ah, i'm sorry to hear that, friend. at least today is friday! i'm not sure if your husband works over the weekend or no, but things should at least be less hectic. look forward to that. <3

<3

we both work our hardest on saturday and sunday lol. sad, but they’re the only two semi-uninterrupted days we get during the week where i can work on my writing and he can work on furniture design and construction. he’s got an iron table for a client he needs to finish up this week, and i have massive tone geoff redrafting to do. so i don’t know how much more of each other we’ll see this weekend. plus we have to face my parents for the first time since christmas this sunday, so that’s a stressor. and then in the coming week i have to put out the bi-monthly magazine my work does, and jonathan has to work overtime on this project that got fucked up at his work (plus a cabinet system he’s making for another client). 

like i always try to look at things in small increments to make them feel more manageable, but i don’t know if either one of us will really have much of a chance to breathe in the next 10 days. i’m just bummed and wallowing because today was supposed to be, like, our deep breath before we run this enormous sprint (him with overtime plus the two projects, me with getting the book finished and getting the magazine out). 

we’ll get there. we always will. i just feel so uneasy when we’re both so estranged from each other and don’t have time to appreciation our friendship/relationship outside of cohabitation. sorry to vent. i feel better when i write shit out. bleh.

anonymous asked:

Q&A how does a girls body fuck up after have kids and how do relationships change after kids?

Well not many women want to talk publicly about it but a LOT changes after child birth mate.

It is no big deal really but many women didnt expect it and have a hard time dealing with the natural changes that occur.

How do relationships change?

Lemme guess, you are pretty young right?

From what I have seen and experienced I would say having children is the single hardest thing any couple can face. It would fuck 99.9% of their quality of life 100% of the time.

Define Humanity | Giltedxpaladin

:: ▋ ▋ :: ]–

   :: Aether.

              A living compound tied to any and all life bound by that of the Crystal.
              It’s structure, spiritual - in an essence, yet aquamarine in vibrant hue
              to the promised eye. Not only did it stand as such to grant life, but to
              yield that of magics & celestial beings, alike.

                                                Beings that had been known as P R I M A L S.

   “Fresh melted steel, here! The hardest stuff you’ll find!”
   “The rarest of them all- shining stones from the far lands!”
   “How about you Ser? Would you like to have a taste? Far
    more than what a coin would get ya’ at the Brume!”

Voices. Faces. People. Stares

Of all things, he had acted to avoid so far the lot of them; be it by blessing or curse, failing to exist proper back into this world he called Home. The Jeweled Crozier to Ishgard, proper to the mediocre trade market of foreign needs. For as long as the ex-Commander could remember, its’ streets had always been full attention and excess wonder to those both of visitation and residency. 

Things that, when it mattered to the High Houses, could easily grapple their hands on within imports before throwing the remains to the street for a dirt profit of rummaged coin. Leaving none competition to those who could pay up or not, only that such quantity stock held its’ limitations by the carriage and its’ price market by the dozen. 

A corner of filth- tilted to the far west of the Foundation and outside the streets of the Nobles. The perfect place for someone such as himself to remain at an all stakes low- shadowed beneath weather worn rags and garb. 

The very reason of this day being different than most - how long had it been since he resurfaced and fled shelter to the barracks of the Vault, using only those of enclosed catacombs that Ser Aymeric held no key to? Only sourcing himself into the suns’ grace when it came to restock what rations he felt necessary - the knight had quickly re-adapted himself to the market and its’ kin - its’ vibrations and its’ atmosphere–

Something which had felt far too THICK for a day such as this, the sun slowly peeping its’ way in between the blistered snow and faint gales of the north. It’s tension at ease, other than the discomfort that seem to edge the ex-Commander to becoming a hunting dog than a scavenging hound

Something wasn’t right… and by unholy nerve, he could sense its’ difference

It’s aether.

Someone, or something - that had strayed far from any God or Goddess.

He was not the only one in the Crozier this day who suffered from a lack of IDENTITY.

Most days I wake up with a smile on my face and so grateful for the blessings I have in my life, but there are those rare days when I’m just so stressed I don’t know how I keep going. Being a single mom is probably the hardest thing I’ve ever done. 3 against 1 is not a fair fight. 

location:  unspeakable    
date:
  16th february
time:  late morning
@avgvstvsrookwood

Waiting for Augustus to arrive at his office, she was ready for him. 

She was sat in his chair, louboutins up on his desk, gun idly in hand. 

Getting in had been easy. Just gone eleven in the morning, it was hardly prime clubbing hours. She’d been almost at the back rooms before a bloke noticed her, let alone tried to stop the person striding through like a one woman army. The poor sod was now crumpled in the corner of the room, unconscious.

Frankly, after a well exercised carotid hold, dragging him in there had been the had been the hardest part.  It’d been necessary, though. She couldn’t have someone raising the alarm, not when it ruin the look of surprise on Augustus’ face. 

She had a bigger flair for dramatics than people gave her credit for. 

This was the kind of thing Ava dwelt on as she lounged. With no idea how long it would take for Augustus to arrive, she knew that if she tried to rehearse what she intended to say, tried to predict his possible reactions and the ways in which she could counter, she’d only become tense, impatient and angry at the situation again. 

It’d taken the entire car ride over there, heading straight from her ‘meeting’ with Regulus, but she’d managed to suppress her temper into a quiet rage, gently simmering away. It allowed her to maintain a languid posture, to keep an impassive expression. 

She bet he thought he’d backed her into a corner, that this was checkmate on their long winded game, and yet there she was, sat on his throne, ready to squash this once and for all.

Not comparing yourself to other people is the hardest thing because you love yourself but there’s so many pretty girls that look way better than you and their face is better and there body is better and they dress better and wow now I realize how ugly I am lmao

The hardest thing I’ve ever been through is facing pregnancy alone. Yes, I had my family and my very limited amount of friends but I was growing a human who was half made up of someone who wasn’t there to watch her grow with me. He never felt her kick.. He will never hear her first cry.. She will never call him daddy.. As much as I hate him for how he broke my heart I love him for giving me her.. Every app you get has a special section for “daddy” advice on how to treat your loved ones right while your significant other is pregnant.. I never got any of the foot rubs, I didn’t get to take days off work, I never got a belly Kiss.. I never got to see the way my daughter reacted to her fathers voice and she never got the chance too.. Him leaving was hard but I saw it coming.. I was 20 weeks pregnant.. It’s a milestone the half way point. My daughter could hear, I felt her first kick, I finally picked out her name, the color for the nursery. It was the week of thanksgiving. Everything was falling into place.. Then I took a fall at work. I went to the hospital and he was by my bed the entire time.. I cried.. As much as I wanted to meet my daughter I didn’t want it to have to be then.. Luckily it was not.. I was sent home and we cozied up into the bed.. I felt at peace.. I knew in that moment my daughter was safe and I could sleep knowing that. So I did.. The next day I was in for a surprise… I woke up and the guy I loved so deeply for 2 long and very hard years decided it wasn’t his place to be a part of our daughters or my own life anymore and like that … The other half of the tiny human I was growing, the past two years of my life was gone.. I never spoke to him and he never contacted me.. In one day My child went from having a father to not… Of corse at this point in her life that didn’t make much of a difference to her.. But to me it was devastating.. I was left alone.. With my daughter just us.. It’s hard to be left alone with someone you can’t yet hold but it also teaches you the greatest patience you’ll ever learn. I have No one to hold my hand in labor, no one to cut her umbilical chord, no one to rub my feet after I worked a 10 hour shift, no one to come home to and tell all the cool movements you felt from your daughter that day.. No one to share that ever so deep love only parents can share for a child.. I struggled with wondering if I alone was good enough for my daughter.. I just turned 18 my life was supposed to be beginning so why did it feel like it was ending.. Why did I let someone who didn’t care about us control so much of how I let myself feel… Why did I let someone who lied… And cheated… Destroy how I saw myself as a person.. Because of him I had to recreate myself in the matter of a few months .. I’m still working on it.. Because of him I question on a daily basis if I’m even good enough for my child.. If I ever will be.. I gave way to much to the wrong person.. And he took me for advantage.. that’s when I was lost.. But then I realized I gave so much to him and that means he wasn’t the wrong person.. He was just the wrong person for me.. For our daughter.. God just told me I can handle this alone..

a Fun and Interesting Thing i keep thinking about is how last school year was one of the hardest academic years i’ve ever faced and my mental health suffered so much because i did it all without meds for my adhd, not because i didn’t want to take them, but because i couldn’t acquire them without admitting to my parents that i have a diagnosed need for them. and i couldn’t tell them out of a shame that’s been established by people without adhd who abuse these meds for academic achievement. people like……every other student in my program, laughing m’ass off :)

youtube

Your words, your face, I can’t figure it out
The hardest thing in the world is to gain your trust
If you train me and tame me
Do you think we’ll never be apart?
Would we have been best friends?

Making a heart that is like the wind stay with me
Is such a hard thing I know
But I won’t say anything, I’m just waiting for you

The Little Prince told me
That gaining someone’s heart
Is the hardest thing to do, come to me
The Little Prince said to me
It might be sad right now
But we’re never gonna be apart
That you’re going to want to laugh with me

I can’t see that bright smile on your face these days
Before, you’d smile at each little thing

As I count the stars that are spread in the black sky
I know that it’s so hard
But I won’t say anything, I’ll just wait for you

The Little Prince told me
That gaining someone’s heart
Is the hardest thing to do, come to me
The Little Prince said to me
It might be sad right now
But we’re never gonna be apart
That you’re going to want to laugh with me

You are the only person for me in this world
I’ll be your one and only friend
The reason the rose is so precious
Is that it tries to hard to bloom

The Little Prince told me
That gaining someone’s heart
Is the hardest thing to do, come to me
The Little Prince said to me
It might be sad right now
But we’re never gonna be apart
That you’re going to want to laugh with me

I am tamed by you
So I can’t see anyone else
Again today
I think of you as I shed tears

Do I really want to hear Him?

I tell people one of the hardest things for me right now is the crossroads I face about my summer and future plans. I say I want God to speak to me, to tell me where to go, and that would comfort my soul and finally give me direction and reason to go on.

But do I really want to hear Him? If I’m becoming bitter at ministry, do I want to hear how He will use me even more to further ministry? If I find it so hard to tell my roommate that Jesus loves him, do I want to hear how He will call me to tell the nations that Jesus loves them? If I am afraid of confessing my addiction to pornography in front of my brothers and my Life Group community and my friends, do I want to hear how He wants to use this story that will - it will - be a story of redemption for His glory?

If I can’t bear where I am now, if I can’t look up and praise God for breath, for life, for beautiful sun and cleansing rain, for gentle winds and glorious thunder, for the ephemeral moments of impossible peace and the many moments more of pain, shame, fear, failure, struggle, for the long road and the narrow one He calls me to, how am I ready, why do I want to hear Him?

Let my heart be content here first. Let me be okay with where I am. I have people I’m trying to share Christ’s love with. I have friends who don’t yet know Him. I have addictions to overcome with His strength. I have classes to study hard for. I have a ministry team to devote my skills into. I have a church to love, a class to love, a community to love, a family to love. I have so much, so many gifts from the Father, and still I want more?

Foolish me. I should be thankful that I am where I am.

“Not that I am speaking of being in need, for I have learned in whatever situation I am in to be content…” ~Philippians 4:11

tagged by @speedofscarlet

How was your day? pretty good, i was riding a high for most of it and I’m kind of crashing down again but its okay bc i went barefoot outside for the first time in a while and it was refreshing 

What’s your favorite music/song to listen to? this is like the hardest question on the face of the earth rn I’m listening to a lot of cherri bomb, depeche mode, and zero 7 but i like basically everything  

Do you have any OC’s? If so, how many? yeah i have a bunch but i can never keep track of them all they’re like fireflies 

Do you think bees are cute? I Will Support Bees In All Their Endeavors Until The End Of Days

What fictional character[s] are you gay for? lin beifong, su beifong, toph beifong a little bit, kya, sometimes korra, pearl, dana scully, lady mary from downton abbey (my guilty pleasure show lol), um i cant think but theres a lot more probably

Do you draw? unfortunately

Are you a space nerd or an Earth nerd, or a different nerd? earth nerd, dirt and sea and plants r 4 me thnx

Weird acts that you like doing? i do weird things with tic tacs when i get my hands on them, i made a post about it once

Any pets? two cats ones grumpy and the other is annoying as hell and i love them both with all my heart

Fandoms that you’re associated in? well this blog is mostly atlalok when fandom stuff appears but since i have two steven universe blogs thats probably what most of you associate me with

Favorite videos to watch? ted talks, shit posts, anything by @pearl-likes-pi, uhhhh funny moment compilation videos 

Tagged: @princehomura @the-macra @ihavelittlelambs