and here's all the wonderful things

I don’t normally offer advice, dating or otherwise, at least not prompted or without a whole bunch of qualifiers. I’ll start by saying I have no credentials beyond that I used to not believe in healthy human relationships, but 20 years into actual Happily Ever After have given me hope.  

So here you go:

Talk. 

Talk your little heads off. Talk about everything. How you feel about sports, kids, trees, bees, pollution, politics, religion. Say stupid things. Say the things you think about worry about wonder about. Say the things you fear will chase someone off. Say the things you hope one day to share with someone who finds you charming, hilarious, valuable, valid. Say the things. Say all the things. None of this third date, fifth date, middle of the night drunken text stuff after one month or two or six or some arbitrarily set milestone.

Because yes, absolutely, someone will leave you. 

Someone will find you not to their liking. And you’ll find folks not to yours. And wouldn’t you rather find that out now? Wouldn’t you rather know early enough that you can cut your losses and go? Rather than spend decades in a relationship with a stranger, rather than spend a lifetime with someone you feel is judging you, laughing at you, disapproving of you?

Because someone else is going to love you.

Someone else is going to laugh at your stupidest jokes if for no reason other than that you said them, eyes crinkling at the corners, lips stretching wide over your own audacity. They’re going to want to know about your dullest day at work and how you got toner on your favorite slacks. They’re going love your quoting song lyrics or movies. Or misremembering the lines of your favorites children’s book. They’re going to love your sleepy wonderings and your pre-coffee grumblings and your ramblings. My goodness they’re going to love your ramblings. They’re going to text/email/call you in the middle of the day just to see how your morning’s gone, even if it’s just like every other morning, and they’re going to tell you they love you because you should know. You’re going to go to bed like every night is a sleepover still talking and laughing about the same ridiculous thing you did last year or the year before. 

Because you’re going to love all of that about them too. 

One of the most wonderful things about loving someone is wanting to share the world with them and wanting to see the world through their eyes. 

SO TALK. 

Talk on those first dates, those first texts or whatever you kids are using for first contacts these days. Be yourself. Make real connections or don’t. Cut your losses. Keep looking. Because the last thing you want is an UnHappily Ever After with a stranger who doesn’t care what’s going on between your ears. The last thing any of us should want is an UnHappily Ever After with someone whose mind we don’t know and love.

break my heart- h.s song imagine

you can listen to the song here

Originally posted by hey-vi0let

I will not forget

All the wonderful things you’ve done

You sat on the cold floor of your kitchen, tears flowing out of your eyes. You let out a shaky sigh, a sob about to burst through. It was if the world was out to get you today. One thing after another. You woke up late for your uni class, you forgot that a test was scheduled and ended up turning in a test with hardly anything on it because you didn’t know the information, you had to work double shifts since your coworker decided to call in sick, you went to pick up dinner but your card was declined since someone was accessing your bank account. It was just national “Piss on Y/N Day.”

You heard keys jingling in your door before a voice called out to you. Harry turned the corner into the kitchen and sighed, “Oh, love.” You looked up at Harry and started to sob. Harry quickly sat on the floor next to you and pulled you into his lap. He started whispering things such as “You’re going to be okay, love.” or “I love you, you brave girl.”

Eventually your crying ceased. You were just enjoying the feeling of Harry’s arms around you. You quickly looked at him, “You’re supposed to be at Jeff’s birthday dinner right now!”

Harry kissed your forehead. “Jeff will understand. Gotta make sure my girl’s okay.”


It’s like a test, it’s like a game

To see how much I can take

Harry was pacing in front of you, face red. You were looking down at your hands, sat on the couch in his living room.

“I just don’t understand what the big deal is, Y/N!” Harry turned to you, crossing his arms. “Doesn’t change anything! Still love you!”

You sighed for the millionth time that time. You pinched your nose and closed your eyes. “Why do you have to pretend you’re dating someone else? What good will that do?”

Harry sat down next to you. “It’ll get people talking. It’ll bring up my name more. My album would be talked about more.” You looked down at the coffee table, “Why can’t you be seen with me? Why can’t I be the reason why you’re being talked about?”

This time Harry sighed, wanting the conversation to end, “We’ve been seen together already and already claimed we’re friends. Bringing someone new will bring more conversation to the table.” Harry stood up from the couch and looked down at you, “Whether you like it or not, this is happening.” He walked to his bedroom and slammed the door. Not wanting to be there any longer, you grabbed your jacket and left his apartment.


Tell me you’ve never loved me

Tell me that it wasn’t real

Just say you’ve found somebody else

Since the fight, Harry stayed true to his word. Him and his publicity team found someone he could pretend to date. To say she was beautiful was an understatement. She was the classic “girl next door.” What Harry didn’t mention was just how long this whole ordeal would go on. It’s been a month and Harry was still required to be seen with this girl. What he also failed to mention was the lack of communication the two of you would have. Missed calls, unanswered texts, hardly coming to one another’s apartments. He was in the same city but you’ve never felt as far as you did from him. You were looking at your phone, a new picture of “Harry and his beau” was on the screen. Your best friend was staring at your every move, a look of sympathy on her face. “You know. He should just date her. Make things easier. If he wants to be seen with someone else so badly just fucking be with her.” You mumbled, reading the article of Harry and his new love interest.

Your best friend winced, not wanting to upset you any more. “You don’t mean that, Y/N.”

You slammed your phone down and looked up at her. “I mean it, he should just get it over with already.”


Pictures disappear

And every memory will fade

“I’m so sorry, Y/N!” Harry said while on FaceTime with you. You were in the living room of your apartment, a banner saying “Happy birthday” hanging behind you. You moved out of the way as your friends were gratefully cleaning after the party. “Management thought it would be nice to be seen at Paris! Thought it would look like a little get away! Make it seem romantic!” Harry tried reasoning with you. You looked at him with an emotionless face. I should be going on a runaway trip to Paris with you. Especially on my fucking birthday. “It’s fine, Harry.” You started walking to your bedroom door, passing down hallways filled with pictures of you and Harry.

“I promise I’ll make it up to you.”


Break my heart

You stared at the magazine in front of you. Mocking you and confirming your worst nightmare. On the picture was a photo of Harry kissing his “girlfriend” with his arms wrapped around her waist. You stared at it with no emotion whatsoever. Somehow, you knew this would happen. You were done.


This can only end one way

Just do it now, I don’t wanna wait

“Break up with me” You said as soon as Harry’s apartment door opened.

Harry gave you a look. He knew you saw that picture. He gasped, “What..No.”

You pushed him out of the way and walked into his apartment. “Clearly I don’t mean anything to you if you’re out cheating on me.”

Harry closed the door and looked at you, “Cheating! It’s for-”

“I know! It’s for work but that kiss wasn’t for work! That was solely for your own pleasure!” You screamed at him, hands flying to your hair and tugging on it.

Harry panicked and walked up to you, hands trying to find yours, “Love, please let me explain-”

You quickly backed away from him and started to walk to the door. You turned your head over your shoulder. “We’re though.”


don’t forget to send in your requests on what song i should do next!

    I was going to do a follower appreciation for 1,337 followers, but then Persona 5 dropped and everyone made a blog and (glances at milestone in the rearview) … So I’m going to call it a 2 years celebration.  I made narxkami on April 21 2015, so it’s been just over two years since I started this blog and let me say that it’s been a blast from beginning to right now. Yu has helped me through a lot of things and helped me grow as a person (I hope), but it would never have been possible without all the precious S. Links friends I’ve met along the way. You guys mean more to me than I could ever put into words, so I just want to say thank you. Really. I’m sure I’ll forget some people, but please remember that if I follow you or if we’ve interacted ic or ooc, then you’re part of my wonderful experience here. I can’t express how grateful I am to know you all. Without further ado …

     THE OG INVESTIGATION TEAM: You guys defined the main cast in a way that any number of animes and spinoffs could never do. Even if we’re apart or don’t interact any more, I’ll never forget you guys. 

     @hanxmura, @chieriot, @amagiggled, @kvjikawa, @kumahanamura, @shirogune, @hokotei, @gooselullaby, altrustae, @velvetempress

      THESE BONDS BRING YOU CLOSER TO THE TRUTH: You guys are on my dash all the time and it’s still not enough. It wouldn’t be the same without you.

    @bleachblondbeefcake, @notyourprinccss, @thekingteddie, @sweetpvnk, @puckish-rogue, @atolsremix, @hyoukan, @froppii, @fearframed, @hananura, @reaperdachi, @beyondarrest, @emoticlysm, @sabazio@truthorslap@purseona, @seacrowned, @backstagebaae, @galacticpxnt@steelbanchou, @dokitsuu, @lamentis, @honorbourne, @rationalclover, @hiunmei, @treurspel, @ujimashii, @foolspartner, @desbearer, @orokana-riko, @frcidyne, @fragilefated@breakmaki, @shrapnelsong, @starpcff, @naesarang, @saltyprotector, @mcncheri, @downtomyunderoos

      RANK 10—YOUR EYES TO SEE THE TRUTH: If you haven’t seen your name yet, brace yourself for exorbitant amounts of praise and sappiness because you guys are the lights of my life—I can’t imagine existing without you.

Keep reading

Happy Lowman- In case you didn’t know

I can’t count the times
I almost said what’s on my mind
But I didn’t

Just the other day
I wrote down all the things I’d say
But I couldn’t
I just couldn’t

Happy called to tell you that there was a gift box on the bed when you got home and to put it on.. He was taking you out. It was a shock he was never like this. He was a man of few words. But you knew he loved you.

Baby I know that you’ve been wondering
Mmm, so here goes nothing

In case you didn’t know
Baby I’m crazy bout you
And I would be lying if I said
That I could live this life without you
Even though I don’t tell you all the time
You had my heart a long long time ago
In case you didn’t know

Happy pulled up to your house. Parking his bike, he got off.
Knocking on the door, you slowly opened it and his jaw dropped. “WOW, You look beautiful”. “I hope you like the dress Gemma helped pick it out”.
“Thank you honey you look very handsome, I love it you both have great taste adjusting his kute collar”.
“Are you ready, I have somewhere very special to take you”.
“Yes I am”. you gave him a light kiss to ease your nerves.

The way you look tonight
That second glass of wine
That did it, mmm

There was something bout that kiss
Girl it did me in
Got me thinking
I’m thinking

As he was driving he put his hand on your thigh and rubbed circles, making you feel butterflies in your stomach.
He turned down a dirt road and you passed a gate to a open field with a little tent set up.
“Oh Happy, You did all of this”. “ I love you”. you walked over to him holding his hand as he gave you a peck to the forehead.
“ Well I wanted to do something really special for you for everything you do for me”.   So here it goes.  "Y/N I’m so happy that you found me. You are the shine to my darkness. The Bonnie to my Clyde. Your there for the bad and the crazy. You have delt with my demons and I never want to lose you". “I’m crazy about you” “ I love you”.
All of the things that I’ve been feeling
Mmm, it’s time you hear em

In case you didn’t know
Baby I’m crazy bout you
And I would be lying if I said
That I could live this life without you
Even though I don’t tell you all the time
You had my heart a long long time ago
In case you didn’t know

Tears where running down your cheek. You have loved this man ever since you had met him. That day you would cherish for ever.
“Happy” (sniffles) “ I love you, I’m so proud of you and how far we have came in this chaos of a life”.  "But I wouldnt want to be in it with anyone else". “ Your my crazy side in life”.
He pulled you in for a sweet loving kiss, unlike the Tacoma Killer everyone new of. You loved this side of him. You thought he couldn’t get anymore romantic until..
“Y/N Y/L will you do the honor of becoming my old lady, my beautiful wife and my parter in crime forever”? He was down on one knee with a little black box open to a georgous black oninks.
“YES HAPPY”. He slide the ring on your ring finger and kissed your hand. You pulled him up and wrapped your arms around him, kissing him deeply. You couldn’t wait to spend your life with your crazy side.
Normally he never smiled and said I love yous but today no one could get that smile off and he couldn’t stop saying i love you to his furture wife.

You’ve got all of me
I belong to you
Yeah, you’re my everything

In case you didn’t know
I’m crazy bout you
I would be lying if I said
That I could live this life without you
Even though I don’t tell you all the time
You had my heart a long long time ago
Yeah, you had my heart a long long time ago, mmm
In case you didn’t know, know, know
In case you didn’t know



Song In case you didn’t know by Brett Young

I know this was supposed to be about myself but I’m not in the mood to say stuff about myself personally but this is still positive things that I feel. So, here’s five things I like about the dragon age fandom, since that’s what I’m a part of:

1. Everyone on here has been kind and welcoming (at least to me).

2. I’ve made some really wonderful friends with amazing talents.

3. I really enjoy seeing everyone’s ocs.

4. You all make me smile, like huge, gushing smiles.

5. I’ve never felt like I belonged in a community until I met the Dragon Age community so thank you!

Hugs and kisses.

-Bear

hello, hello. i’m jamie, 22, they/them and gmt. bear w me during this mess of an intro please :) like this or message me if you’re interested in plotting — i want all the things !

wait, am i hearing problem by natalia kills playing ? ━ it has to be botle “bo” tsiane, the twenty-three old demigirl that has been living here for three weeks (returning to their hometown). everyone in town knows them as the hedonist and no wonder as they are dauntless and tenacious. they are often mistaken by nyané lebajoa but i hear they are keeping from everyone that they have multiple sclerosis.

Keep reading

tatooinedovah  asked:

suvi makes a comment upon travelling to the togessan system about "wondering what kind of view of the milky way we'd get here?" and i just... from an in-universe perspective setting up telescopes and looking back at the milky way must feel so... strange? the sheer distance of it kinda breaks my mind omg

I’m terrible at all things science, especially physics, but if they do get an image, is it going to be an image of the Milky Way’s “past”? Meaning in reality everything might have already changed in the Milky Way by the time the image is sent back? 

But yeah, it’s… impressive. I’m actually really surprised they managed to get readings of the golden worlds in the Milky Way. Using geth tech, which I didn’t think was that advanced. 

duckswearhats  asked:

Hi, I read that you've dealt with with impostor syndrome in the past, and I'm really struggling with that right now. I'm in a good place and my friends are going through a lot, and I'm struggling to justify my success to myself when such amazing people are unhappy. I was wondering if you have any tips to feel less like this and maybe be kinder to myself, but without hurting anyone around me. It's a big ask, I know, but any help would make my life a lot less stressful

The best help I can offer is to point you to Amy Cuddy’s book, Presence. She talks about Imposter Syndrome (and interviews me in it) and offers helpful insight.

The second best help might be in the form of an anecdote. Some years ago, I was lucky enough invited to a gathering of great and good people: artists and scientists, writers and discoverers of things. And I felt that at any moment they would realise that I didn’t qualify to be there, among these people who had really done things.

On my second or third night there, I was standing at the back of the hall, while a musical entertainment happened, and I started talking to a very nice, polite, elderly gentleman about several things, including our shared first name. And then he pointed to the hall of people, and said words to the effect of, “I just look at all these people, and I think, what the heck am I doing here? They’ve made amazing things. I just went where I was sent.”

And I said, “Yes. But you were the first man on the moon. I think that counts for something.”

And I felt a bit better. Because if Neil Armstrong felt like an imposter, maybe everyone did. Maybe there weren’t any grown-ups, only people who had worked hard and also got lucky and were slightly out of their depth, all of us doing the best job we could, which is all we can really hope for.

(There’s a wonderful photograph of the Three Neils even if one of us was a Neal at http://journal.neilgaiman.com/2012/08/neil-armstrong.html)

9

February 9, 1981

Happy 36th Birthday precious snowflake !

The Stevenbomb - what happens next...

Warning: Spoilers!

So, now that we’ve experienced the thoroughly explosive new Stevenbomb, there’s a burning question that we all want the answer to:

What happens next?!

Steven’s now willing en-route to Homeworld in order to keep his friends safe from harm, the Crystal Gems powerless to stop this heartbreaking scenario from playing out right in front of their eyes.

They’ll need a plan, and fast.  But the glaring issue here is that their only space craft has been stolen reunited with its rightful owner again.  The upshot of this, of course, is that the Crystal Gems now have no way of reaching space.

Or, do they…?

Originally posted by sakkakumon

Upon being freed from the mirror – and subsequently healed – by Steven, Lapis couldn’t get off the Earth fast enough.  In a relatively short amount of time, she was able to fly herself all the way back to Homeworld without the aid of a vehicle.

We know that, Peridot aside, Steven is the one person who Lapis cares for the most.  She’s already effectively sacrificed herself to save him in the past (this being her logic, no matter how questionable it might have been, when forming Malachite in order to stop Jasper from hurting Steven) – so she’s going to jump at the chance to save him again.

I daresay that the Crystal Gems will be well aware of this and will want/need to enlist her help, along with Peridot’s.  Peridot is, of course, the most “modern” Gem of the group and is the only one with prior experience of the current-day Homeworld.

Originally posted by inqnell

However, another issue could arise here because (in a manner of speaking) Aquamarine and Topaz were sent to Earth because of Peridot.  If she hadn’t filed that report all the way back in Marble Madness, things might have played out very differently indeed.

I’ve theorised in the past that Peridot is internalising a lot of the guilt that she undoubtedly feels for her past actions (trying to kill Steven, the fusion experiments, almost leaving the Earth to be torn apart by the Cluster, etc) and that, eventually, something would cause all of this guilt to come spilling out.  I have to wonder if she’s going to blame herself for Steven’s capture and that, ultimately, this is going to be the thing that tips her guilt over the edge.

Peridot has recently been showing an awful lot of compassion to one individual in particular, continually putting this individual’s happiness and comfort first…

Originally posted by roses-fountain

Lapis Lazuli.

Could it now be Lapis’ turn to be there for Peridot, just as Peridot has been for her?

When Lapis and Peridot find out what happened to Steven, there’s going to be a lot of upset from everyone.  Sometimes upset can turn to anger, and blame might start being attributed all around.  Perhaps the Crystal Gems themselves will begin blaming Peridot for what happened.

I can’t stop thinking about Peridot feeling guilty and getting very upset about the whole thing, prompting Lapis to say “It’s not your fault, Peridot…” before glaring at the Crystal Gems and adding something like “You’re not the one who let them take him!”

I feel like Lapis might be harbouring some resentment for the Crystal Gems and that she’s going to see Steven’s capture as being another reason not to trust them.  As I mentioned earlier, Lapis considers that she actually sacrificed herself to save Steven – so this line of logic could lead her to thinking that the Crystal Gems could have done more to prevent him from being taken.

Is it fair to apportion blame like this?  No – but that’s what can happen when something this distressing and heartbreaking happens.

Regardless of whether or not the “blame game” comes to fruition, everyone will have to calm down from their upset eventually and figure out what to do.  They’ll have to set aside any differences/disagreements that they may have and come together in order to rescue the one person who ultimately binds them all together – Steven.

And this is where things could get very interesting indeed.

Lapis can travel through space, but it’s unlikely that she would have the physical strength to carry multiple Gems with her. However…what if she’s not just Lapis at this point?

I think a fusion between Lapis, Peridot and the Crystal Gems (effectively creating another Alexandrite-esque Gem) is highly unlikely, for a number of reasons.

Originally posted by rozequart

Originally posted by thecrystalgifs

Alexandrite is an incredibly powerful Gem – and so was Malachite, Lapis’ only other fusion to date.  If one were to combine these forces, the resulting Gem would be unstoppable.  This would be ideal, of course; but, from a storytelling point of view, it offers a solution that’s too simple.  A “get out of jail free” card, if you like.

There’s also the aforementioned issue of Lapis perhaps not fully trusting the other Crystal Gems yet, as well as a huge question mark hanging over the stability of a fusion involving six Gems.  Lapis has also been left traumatised by her experience as Malachite, so I feel like she’d only fuse again with someone who she was very close to – with a dire emergency like this one being the catalyst to get her to try fusing with someone again out of pure necessity.

Luckily, there is someone who Lapis fully trusts, who she spends almost all her time alongside, and who she’s living a very harmonious relationship with…

Originally posted by barzeronipizza

…and so this might be where we finally see our Lapidot fusion!

To me, it makes absolute perfect sense.  Lapis can fly through space at an alarming rate, Peridot knows all about modern Homeworld – and, if necessary, their fusion might actually be able to carry the other Crystal Gems along with them!

Imagine a scene where Steven is in a room on Homeworld (or, alternatively, still on-board Aquamarine and Topaz’s ship).  Suddenly, a new Gem – the Lapidot fusion – comes bursting through the door, the Crystal Gems in her arms/clinging onto her back.  That would be an amazing scenario.

Of course, the nature of the show is such that we see everything from Steven’s perspective.  I wonder if the show will break this convention soon in order to show what’s happening on Earth ahead of Steven’s inevitable rescue.  We obviously know he’s going to get rescued somehow, but the tension and build-up would be somewhat watered-down if we see the Crystal Gems’ plan play out in the form of a The New Crystal Gems style flashback episode.  That’s still a distinct possibility, of course, but I must admit that it’d be nice to see the show’s formula get slightly shaken up in the next episodes.

Behold the one and only @thatsthat24 aka Thomas Sanders!
(Sorry for my english its my third language)
(And im not good as speeches and expressing my feelings so forgive me)
You’re a wonderful person and a precious cinnamon roll that must be protected at all costs,,
I have to say, Thomas, you are a very important and you are appreciated around here, and don’t ever stop doing the things you do! You have contributed a large part in helping me accept who i am and gain just a little bit more confidence in myself, and i believe it’s the same for the others as well!
Thank you Thomas, for helping me and everybody, and i wish you the best and be happy always!

Iconic™ Kaz Brekker Moments

-’Kaz was just glad he used the damn door.”

-“You can put him in a coffeepot for all I care.”

-”Even worse, if I fail, I don’t get paid.”

-”You might actually have had to uncurl that lip and treat me with something closer to respect.”

-Ripping Oomen’s eyeball out and shoving his handkerchief in the socket.

-”I’ll just hire Matthias’ ghost to kick your ghost’s ass.”

-”Hold the book up so we don’t have to look at your ugly face.” (Kaz, be nice to Jesper)

-Nina: “And I can tell you’ve never given enough thought to your haircut.”

Kaz: *runs a self-conscious hand through his hair*

(only Nina. Only Nina can make Kaz in to a seventeen year old, concerned about his haircut)

-”Jacob fucking Hertzoon”

-Talking tree jokes??????

-Matthias: “We go from aspirant to novice drüskelle in the ceremony at the sacred ash.”

Kaz: “Where the tree talks to you.”

-Kaz: “The Dregs need a better initiation (I’m over here wondering what the Dregs’ initiation is)”

Matthias: This is only one part of Hringkälla.”

Kaz: “Yes, I know, then the tree tells you the secret handshake.”

-”Of course you don’t [like speculation]. You like things you can see. Like piles of snow and benevolent tree gods.”

-Or you were dead wrong about Matthias and you’re going to pay for all those talking tree jokes

-’They blew up the lab. I definitely did not tell them to blow up the lab.’

history of the entire world, i guess; a transcript

hi. you’re on a rock, floating in space. pretty cool, huh? some of it’s water. fuck it, actually most of it’s water. i can’t even get from here to there without buying a boat. it’s sad. i’m sad. i miss you. how did this happen? a long time ago, actually never, and also now, nothing is nowhere. when? never. makes sense, right? like i said, it didn’t happen. nothing was never anywhere. that’s why its been everywhere. it’s been so everywhere, you don’t need a “where”. you don’t even need a “when”. that’s how “every” it gets. (pause). forget this. i wanna be something, go somewhere, do something. i want things to change. i want to invent time and space. and i know it’s possible because everything is here and it probably already happened. i just don’t know when to start. and that’s exactly where it started. (background noise) woah. i… paused it. i think there’s a universe now. what’s it made of? quarks and stuff. ah, that’s a thing, in a place. don’t like it? try a new place, at a different Time™. try to stick together because the world is gonna get bigger and emptier. but it’s not empty yet. it’s still very full, and about a kjghpillion degrees. (about no seconds later). great news! the quarks are now happily married in groups of three called a “proton” or a “neutron”. and there’s something else flying around too that wants to join in but can’t cause it’s still to (HOT). (about ten minutes later). great news! the protons and the neutrons are now happily married to each other (some of them even doubled up). (about 380,000 years later). great news, the electrons have now joined in. congratulations, the world is now a bunch of gas in space. but it’s getting closer together and it’s getting closer together and it’s getting closer together. it’s a staaaar. new shit just got made. some stars burn out and die. bigger stars burn out and die with passion! and make some brand new way crazier shit. space dust! which allows newer, more interesting stars to be made, and then die, and explode into even crazier space dust. so now stars have cool stuff around them, like rocks, ice, and funny clouds, which can make some very interesting things. like this ball of flaming rocks, for example. holy shit, we just got hit with another ball of flaming rocks, and it kinda made a mess. which is now the moon. weather update: it’s raining rocks from outer space. weather update: those rocks might’ve had water inside them and now there’s Hot Steam in the sky. weather update: cooler temperatures today, and the floor is no longer lava. weather update: its raining. severe flooding alert: the entire world is now an ocean. volcano alert: that’s land. there’slifeintheocean. what? something’s alive in the ocean. oh cool, like a plant or an animal? no. a microscopic speck! it lives at the bottom of the ocean and eats chemical soup which is being served hot and fresh made from gnarly space ingredients leftover from when it was raining rocks or whatever. oh yeah, and it can do that. it has secret instructions written inside itself telling it how to build another one of itself. so that’s pretty nifty, i would say. tired of living at the bottom of the ocean? now you can eat sunlight. using a revolutionary technique you can convert sunlight into food. taste the sun. side effect: now there’s oxygen everywhere and the sky’s blue. then the earth might’ve been a snowball for a while, maybe even a coupla times. it’s a sponge, it’s a plant, it’s a worm and some other types of weird strange water bugs and strange fish. it’s the Cambrian explosion. “wow, that’s animals and stuff.” but we’re still in the ocean. hey, can we go on land? NoO. why? the sun is a deadly lazer. oh okay. not anymore there’s a blanket. now the animals can go on land. come on, animals, let’s go on land! “nope, can’t walk yet. and there’s no food yet so i don’t care.” (100 million years later) ok, will you learn to walk if there’s plants up here? “maybe,” said some bugs, and fish. “uh. uh. uh.” (five million years later) “ok so i can go on land but i have to go back in the water to have babies.” (idea) learn to use an egg. “i was already doing that.” use a stronger egg, and put water in it, have a baby, on land, in an egg. water is in the egg, baby, in the water, in the egg. works for me. bye bye ocean. aaand now everything is huge. including bugs. wanna see a map of the land? sure. ah fuck, now everything’s dead. just kidding here are the survivors. keep your eye on this one because its about to become the dinosaurs. here’s another map of the land. yeah, it broke apart, don’t worry about it, it does that all the time. here comes a meteor. and the dinosaurs are gone. its mammal time! here come the mammals. look at those breasts. now they’re gonna dominate the world, and one of them just learned how to grab stuff. and walk. no, like, walk like ‘that’. and grab stuff at the same time. and bang rocks together to make… pointed rocks. “ouch.” and set things on fire. “yeouch.” and make crazy sounds with their voice (“gneurshk.”) which can mean different things. that’s a human person. and now they’re everywhere, almost. ice age. what? you can walk over here? cool. not anymore. i guess we’re stuck here now.

let’s review. there’s people on the planet. and they’re chasing their food. fuck it, time to plant some grass. look at this, i control the food now. now everyone will want to be my friend and live near me. let’s all build houses except mine is bigger because i own the food. this is great, i wonder if anyone else is doing this. tired of using rocks for everything? use metal. it’s underground. better farming was just invented in a sweet dank valley right in between these two rivers, and the animals are helping. guess what happens next. more food, and more people who came to buy the food. now you need people to help make the food and keep track of the sales. and now you need houses for people to live in, and people to make the houses. and now there’s more people and they invent things, which makes things better and more people come. and there’s more farming and more people to make more things for more people. and now there’s business, money, writing, laws, power. sociiiety. coming soon to a dank river valley near you. meanwhile, out in the middle of nowhere, the horse is probably being tamed. why is all my metal so lame and lumpy? tired of using lame, sad metal? introducing bronze, made with special ingredient tin from the far lands of tin land. i don’t know, my dealer won’t tell me where he gets it. also, guess what - egypt. meanwhile, out in the middle of nowhere, they figured out how to put wheels on a horse. now we’re getting somewhere. also, china. and did i mention indusrivervalleycivilization. norte chico. the middle east is getting more complicated, maybe because it’s in the middle of the east. knock knock- er, clop clop, it’s the people with the horses? and they made an empire! and then everyone else copied their horses. greeks! ah look, it must be the greeks, or a beta version of the greeks. let’s check in with the indus river valley civilization. they’re gone. guess who’s not gone? china. new arrivals in india. maybe it’s thosehorsepeopleiwastalkingabout or theircousinsorsomething. and they wrote some hymns and mantras and stuff. you could make a religion out of this. there’s the bronze age collapse. now the phoenicians can get down to business. also, can we switch to a metal that’s a little easier to find? thanks. look who came back to israel, it’s the twelve tribes of israel. and they believe in god. just one though, he’s got like a ten step program. here’s some huge heads, must be the olmec. the phoenicians make some colonies. the greeks copy their idea and make some colonies. the phoenicians made a colony so big it makes colonies. here comes the assyrian empire. nevermind it’s the babylonian- median- it’s the persian empire. “wow, that’s big.” ah, the buddha was just enlightened! who’s the buddha? this guy, who sat under a tree for so long that he figured out how to ignore the fact that we’re all dying. you could make a religion out of this. oops, china just broke, but while it was breaking confucius was figuring out how to have good morals. ah, the greeks just had the idea of thinking about stuff. and right over here, alexander just had the idea of conquering the entire persian empire. it’s a great idea, he was…great. and now he’s dead. hopefully, the rest of the gang will be able to share the empire evenly between them. knock knock, it’s chandragupta, he says, “get the hell out of here, will you get the hell out of here if i give you 500 elephants? ok thanks bye; time to conquer all of india- or most of india”. but what about this part? that’s the tamil kings, no one conquers the tamil kings. who are the tamil kings? merchants, probably. and they’ve got spices. who would like to buy the spices? “me,” said the arabians, swiftly buying them and selling them to the rest of the world. hey, china put itself back together again with good morals as their main philosophy. actually they have three main philosophies. out here, the horse nomads run wild and free, and they would like to ransack your city. let’s check the greekification levels of the greekified kingdoms: greekification overload! “bye,” said the parthians, “bye,” said the jews. “hi,” said the parthians, taking over the entire place. “heyyyyyyyy,” said the romans, eating the entire mediterranean for breakfast. “thanks for invading our homeland,” said the jews, who were starting to get tired of people invading their homeland. “hi, everything’s great,” said some guy who seems to be getting very popular, and then gets arrested and killed for being too popular, which only makes him more popular. you could make a religion out of this. want silk? now you can buy it from china! they just made a brand new road to the world…or you can get there on water. “sick, new trade routes,” said india, accidentally spreading their religion to the entire southeast. hmm, that’s a good place for an epic trading kingdom. there goes buddhism, travelling up the silk road. i wonder if it’ll reach china before it collapses again. “remember the persian empire? yup,” said the persians, making a new one. axum is getting so powerful they would like to build a long stick. has anyone populated madagascar yet? let’s do it together. china is whole again…then it broke again. still can’t cross the sahara desert? try camels. “hell yeah, now we’ve got business,” said the ghana empire, selling lots of gold, and slaves. “hi i live in the roman empire and i was wondering, is loving jesus legal yet?” “no” “actually ok sure,” said constantine, moving the capitol way over here to be closer to his main rival. don’t worry about rome, it won’t fall. it’s the golden age of india. there’s the gupta empire. not chandragupta, just gupta, first name chandra, the first. guess who’s in rome? barbarians. what’s a barbarian? “non-romans,” said the romans, being invaded by non-romans. r.i.p. roman empire. or actually, just half is just fine. but it’s not in rome anymore so let’s give it a new name. the mayans have figured out the staaars. oh, and here’s a huge city, population everyone. the göktürks have taken over the entire eurasian steppe. great job, göktürks. how’s india? broken. how’s china? back together. how’s those trading kingdoms? bigger, and there’s more of them. korea has three kingdoms. japan has a kingdom, it’s the sunrise kingdom.

deep in the arabian desert, on the top of a mountain, the real god whispers in muhammad’s ear, so he goes down to the cube where everyone worships gods, and he tells them their gods are all fake. and everyone got so mad at him that he had to leave town and go to a different town. you could make a religion out of this. and maybe conquer the world as well. the roman empire is long gone, but somehow the pope is still the pope. plus there’s new kingdoms all over europe. i wonder if there’s room for moors. here’s all the wisdom, in a house. it’s the baghdad house of wisdom, just in time for the islamic golden age. “let’s bring stuff to the coast and sell it, and become the swahili on the swahili coast,” said the swahili on the swahili coast. remember this tiny space you have to go through to get from here to there? someone owns that now. wanna get enlightened in the middle of nowhere? the franks have the biggest kingdom in europe, and the pope is so proud that he invites the king over for christmas. “surprise, you’re the new roman emperor,” said the pope, pretending to still be part of the roman empire. then the franks broke their kingdom into what will later be called france and not france. the northerners, or just norse if you don’t have that much time, are exploring. they go north, from the north to the northern north, and they find some land. two types of land, and they name them accordingly. they also invade some other places and get called many names, such as vikings. there’s the rus, the kievan rus. are they vikings? “i don’t think so,” said the kievan rus. ok, fair enough. the pope is ready to make some more emperors of the roman empire, the holy roman empire. it’s actually germany but don’t worry about it. new kingdoms! christianizeallthekingdoms. which brand would you like? “mine’s better,” “mine’s better,” “mine’s better”. “time to conquer england,” said william. it’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s the seljuk turks. “ahh!” said the byzantine empire, who’s getting so small it almost doesn’t exist anymore, “we need help!” they need help, so they call the pope. “hey pope, can you help us get rid of the seljuks? maybe take back the holy land on the way? come on, i know you wanna take back the holy land.” “yes, i do actually want to do that. let’s do a crusade.” crusade. they did many crusades, some of which almost didn’t fail, but at least the italians got some sweet trade deals. goodbye mayans. hello toltecs, goodbye toltecs, hello mississippi. look at those mounds. there’s the pueblo. i always wondered how to build a town in a cliff. guess who’s here? khmer. where? here, and pagan is there, and vietnam unconquered itself, korea just became itself, and japan is so addicted to art that the military might have to take over the government. china just invented bombs, and typing. and the mongols just invaded most of the universe. nice going, genghis. i bet that will last a long time! some of the islamic turks were unaffected by the mongol invasions because they were busy invading india. is it tonga time? i think it’s tonga time. i just found out where the swahili gets all their gold. look at this chad (means lake), there’s an empire there, right in the middle of africa. the king of mali is so rich he’s going on tour to let everyone know. “wow, that guy’s rich,” everyone said. the christians are doing a great job of conquering iberia which will soon be called spain and not spain. please remain christian. we will check in later to see if you are still christian when you least expect. whoops, half of europe just died. ming. china’s back, yay. hey khmer, time to share, new kingdoms here and there. oh look who controls all the islands, its the mahajapit. majahapit, mapajahit, mahapajit, mapajahit, majapahit? oh, italy’s really rich, time for them to care a lot about art and the ancient classics. it’s kinda like a rebirth. here’s a printer, lets make books. so you think you can conquer the byzantine empire? “yep,” said the ottoman turks. nice job, ottoman turks. whoops, you missed a spot; don’t forget to ban europe from the indian spice trade. “what? that’s bullshit,” said portugal, spiceless. well i guess we’ll have to find another way to india. “wait,” said christopher colombus, probably smoking crack, “if the world is round, lets go this way to india!” “nah, don’t worry we already got this,” said portugal. so chris goes to spain. “hey spain, wanna hire me to go find india by going around back of the world?”  “no.”  “please?”  “no.”  “please?”  “no.” “please?” “ok.” so he sails into the ocean, and discovers more ocean, and then discovers ‘the indies’ and ‘japan’. let’s draw a line to decide who gets which half of the world. the aztec and inca empires are off to a great start. i wonder if they know that europe just discovered their continent. the habsburgs are marrying into so many royal families they might have to start marrying each other. move over lithuania, here comes moscow. ivan wants to make russia great again. move over timurids, maybe go invade india or something. persia just made persia persian again. let’s make it the other kind of islam, the one where we thought the first guy should’ve been the other guy. hey christians, do you sin? now you can buy your way out of hell. “that’s bullshit, this whole thing is bullshit, that’s a scam, fuck the church, here’s 95 reasons why,” said martin luther, in his book which might have accidentally started the protestant reformation. “you know what would be magnificent?” said suleiman, wearing an onion hat, “what if the ottoman empire was really big, which it is now.”  “what if russia was big,” said ivan, trying not to be terrible. portugal had a dream that they controlled the entire indian ocean, including the spice trade, and then that dream was real. and spain realised that this is not india, but they pillaged it anyway. “damn,” said england and france, “we gotta start pillaging some stuff.” then the dutch revolt and all the hipsters move to amsterdam. “damn,” said amsterdam, “we gotta start pillaging some stuff.” question one: can you get to india through north america? no, but at least there’s beaver. question two: steal the spice trade. that’s not a question but the dutch did it anyway. sugar. guess where all the sugar’s made? in brazil. stolen! in the carribean, and it’s so goddamn profitable you might forget to not do slavery. the next thing on russia’s to-do list is to get bigger. britain and france are having a friendly discussion about who should control the entire world, more specifically, ohio. then it escalates into a seven year discussion, giving prussia a chance to show austria who’s boss. but what about britain and france, did they figure out who’s boss? yes they did, it’s britain. guess who’s broke? also britain. so they start taxing the hell out of america.

“fuck you,” says america, declaring their independence, and fighting for it. france helps them win, now france is broke. and britain will have to send their prisoners to a different continent. wait if france is broke, why do the king and queen still wear such fancy dresses? “let’s overthrow the palace and cut all their heads off!” said robespierre, cutting everybody’s head off until someone eventually got mad and cut his head off. you could make a reli- no don’t. haiti is starting to like the idea of a revolution, especially the slaves, who free themselves by killing their masters. “why didn’t we think of this before?” wait, who’s in charge of france now? “me,” said napoleon, trying to take over europe. luckily, they banished him to an island. but he came back. luckily, they banished him to another island. there goes latin america, becoming independent in the latin america wars of independence. britain just figured out how to turn steam into power, so now they can make many different types of machines and factories with machines in them so they can make a lot of products real fast. then they invent some trains, and conquer india and maybe put some trains there. “hey china,” said britain, “buy stuff from us.” “nah, dude we already got everything,” says china. so britain tried to get them addicted to opium, which worked actually, but then china made it illegal and dumped it all into the sea. so britain threw a hissy-fit and made them open up five cities and give them an island. britain and russia are playing a game where they try to stop each other from conquering afganistan. also the sultan of oman lives in zanzibar now, that’s just where he lives. india had a revolution, and they would like to govern themselves now. “nope,” said britain, governing them even harder than before. technology is about to go crazy. the united states finally figured out whether slavery is good or bad. “it’s bad,” they decided. and then they continued manifesting their destiny, which is to kill the rest of the natives and take their land, and maybe kick out the mexicans too. “i know, let’s rape africa,” said europe, scrambling to see who could rape it the fastest. they never got ethiopia.  britain and france are still hungry. they never got thailand. the united states ran out of destiny to manifest, so they’re looking for more. hawaii. cuba. wait spain controls cuba. “well, blame something on them and go to war! what should we blame on them? let’s blame the maine on spain!” so they blame the maine on spain. now we’re in business. to celebrate, they kick panama out of panama and make a canal, connecting the two oceans. britain just found oil in the middle east. it makes cars go. china is so tired of being bossed around that they delete their old government and make a new stronger government, which is accidentally weaker and controlled by a guy from the previous government. europe hasn’t had a war since the last war, so they start world war one. look at those guns. it’s gonna be a great war, so great we won’t need a second one. after it’s over, they blame germany. russia went on strike and the workers overthrew the government. now everyone’s paycheck is the same. communism, in the soviet union. the arabs revolt, and britain helps. now the ottoman empire is gone, so we can give the jewish people a place to live. hopefully the arabs won’t mind. “let’s cut the cake,” said sykes and picot, carving up the remains of the not-so-ottoman-anymore empire. except turkey, turkey makes a brand new turkey. and then the saudis conquer arabia. it just seemed like the right thing to do. hello? yes, it’s the 1920s calling. let’s get in a car and drive to a party and listen to the jazz on the radio and go to the movies. the economy’s great and it’ll probably be great forever. just kidding. germany’s back, featuring hitler, the angry mustache model. he’s mad at the jews for existing. japan is finally conquering the east, and they’re so excited they rape nanking way too hard. they should probably just deny it. hitler’s out of control, so the international community tackles him and tries to explain to him why killing all the jews is a bad idea, but he kills himself before they could explain it to him. that’s world war two. bonus round: pacific showdown, united states versus japan. fight! finish him. let’s unite all the nations and have some world peace. seems legit. “hi i’m gandhi and if britain doesn’t get the hell out of india i’m going to starve myself in public. wow, that worked?” bonus: now there’s pakistan. actually two pakistans. one of them can be bangladesh later. the jews and the arabs finally figured out which one of them should live in the holy land. “me”, they both said at the same time. “let’s divide up the land so everyone’s happy.” sike! they both get angrier. look out china, there’s a new china in china. what’s on the menu? communism! “no thanks,” said the other china, escaping to an island. i wonder which one is the real china. there’s the korean war, korea versus korea, nobody wins, then it’s on pause forever. let’s meet the sponsors. oh, it’s the two global superpowers. they’re having a friendly debate over which economic system is good and which is an evil virus of satan. and they both have atom bombs. fight! wait no that would be the end of the world. let’s just keep it cool and spy on each other instead. and make sure we have enough atom bombs. “i’ll race you to space. now let’s make some more countries fight themselves.” europe is tired of pillaging other continents, so the continents they were pillaging are tired of being pillaged. so here’s a new map, with new countries. now you can’t tell who they’re being pillaged by. the united states finally decided whether racism is good or bad. they decided it’s bad, and the world agrees. south africa might need another minute to think about it. let’s check the world population. woah. okay. technology’s better too, that might keep happening. the soviet union decides to relax a little and accidentally falls apart. europe makes a union, so now they can all use the same money; except britain because they don’t feel like it. let’s check the mail. surprise! it’s on the computer! whoops, someone just attacked america, i bet they’ll remember that. phone call, surprise, it’s in your pocket! wanna learn everything? surprise, it’s on the computer! now your phone’s a computer, which is in your pocket. whoops, the economy just crashed. don’t worry, the big banks won’t fail, because they’re not supposed to. surprise, flying robots! with bombs. wanna print a brain? some people have no friends. some people have no food. the globe is warming, and the ocean is full of plastic. “let’s save the planet,” said everybody, not knowing how. “let’s invent a thing inventor,” said the thing inventor inventor, after being invented by a thing inventor. that’s pretty cool. by the way, where the hell are we?

psychic: reads my mind
me: hi, you’re on a rock floating in space. pretty cool, huh? some of it’s water. fuck it. actually, most of it’s water. i can’t even get from here to there without buying a boat. it’s sad. i’m sad. i miss you.
HOW DID THIS HAPPEN?
a long time ago… actually, never. and also now. nothing is nowhere. when? never. makes sense, right? like i said, it didn’t happen. nothing was never anywhere. that’s why it’s been everywhere. it’s been so “everywhere,” you don’t need a “where.” you don’t even need a “when.” that’s how “every” it gets.
forget this. i wanna be something. go somewhere. do something. i want things to change. i want to invent time and space. and i know it’s possible because everything is here, and it probably already happened. i just don’t know when to start.
and that’s exactly where it started.
big bang— pause
woah. i paused it. i think there’s a universe now. what’s it made of? quarks and stuff. ah, that’s a thing! in a place! don’t like it? try a new place, at a different Time™. try to stick together, because the world is gonna get bigger and emptier. but it’s not empty yet! it’s still very full, and about a kjghpillion degrees.
about no seconds later
great news! the quarks are now happily married in groups of three, called a “proton” and a “neutron.” and there’s something else flying around that wants to join in, but can’t cause it’s too HOT.
ten minutes later
great news! the protons and neutrons are now happily married to each other! some of them even doubled up.
about 380,000 years later
great news! the electrons have now joined in. congratulations! the world is now… a bunch of gas in space. but it’s getting closer together…
ten million years later
and it’s getting closer together…
500 million years later
and it’s getting closer togeth—
star is born
it’s a star
new shit just got made!
some stars burn out and die. bigger stars burn out and die with passion! and make some brand new way crazier shit.
space dust!
which allows for newer and more interesting stars to be made, and then die and explode into even crazier space dust!
so now, stars have cool stuff around them, like rocks, ice, and funny clouds, which can make some very interesting things. like this ball of flaming rocks, for example.
meteor hits earth
holy shit, we just got hit by another ball of flaming rocks. and it kind of… made a mess. which is now the moon
weather update: it’s raining rocks from outer space.
weather update: those rocks might’ve had water inside of them and now there’s hot steam in the sky.
weather update: cooler temperatures today and the floor is no longer lava.
weather update… it’s raining.
severe flooding alert, the entire world is now an ocean.
volcano alert.
that’s land!
there'slifeintheocean
what?
something’s alive in the ocean
oh, cool. like a plant, or an animal? no! a microscopic speck. it lives in the bottom of the ocean and eats chemical soup, which is being served hot and fresh, made from gnarly space ingredients left over from when it was raining rocks or whatever.
microscopic speck asexually reproduces
oh yeah, and it can do that.
reproduces three more times
it has secret instructions written inside itself telling it how to build another one of itself. so that’s pretty nifty, i would say.
tired of living at the bottom of the ocean?
now you can eat sunlight!
using a revolutionary technique, you can convert sunlight into food.
taste the sun!
side effect, now there’s oxygen everywhere and the sky is blue.
then the earth might’ve been a snowball for a while. maybe even a couple of times.
it’s a sponge… it’s a plant… it’s a worm, and some other types of weird strange water bugs and strange fish.
it’s the Cambrian explosion: “wow, that’s animals and stuff”
but we’re still in the ocean. hey, can we go on land?
NO
why?
the sun is a deadly laser
oh okay.
not anymore, there’s a blanket
now the animals can go on land. come on, animals, let’s go on land!
“nope, can’t walk yet.”
“and there’s no food yet, so i don’t care.”
100 million years later
okay, will you learn to walk if there’s plants up here?
“maybe,” said some bugs. and fish.
fish gasps for air
five million years later
okay, so i can go on land, but i have to go back in the water to have babies!
idea: learn to use an egg.
“i was already doing that”
use a stronger egg. put water in it. have a baby, on land, in an egg. water is in the egg. baby, in the egg, in the water, in the egg.
works for me. bye bye ocean
50 million years later
and now everything’s huge. including bugs.
wanna see a map of the land? sure.
Permian extinction
oh, fuck, now everything’s dead.
just kidding, here are the survivors. keep your eye on this one, because it’s about to become
75 million years later
the dinosaurs.
here’s another map of the land. yeah, it broke apart. don’t worry about it, it does that all the time. here comes a meteor.
meteor strikes
and the dinosaurs are gone
it’s mammal time, here come the mammals. look at those breasts.
now they’re gonna dominate the world, but one of them just learned how to grab stuff. and walk. no, like, walk like that. and grab stuff at the same time. and bang rocks together to make pointed rocks.
“ouch”
and set things on fire.
“yeouch”
and make crazy sounds with their voice:
“gneurshk”
which can mean different things.
that’s a human person!
and now they’re everywhere. almost.
ice age!
what? you can walk over here? cool.
not anymore
well i guess we’re stuck here now.
let’s review: there’s people on the planet. and they’re chasing their food.
fuck it. time to plant some grass.
look at this. i get to control the food now. now everyone will want to be my friend and live near me. let’s all build houses, except mine is bigger because i own the food.
this is great! i wonder if anyone else is doing this.
tired of using rocks for everything? use metal. it’s underground.
better farming was just invented in a sweet dank valley right in between these two rivers, and the animals are helping.
guess what happens next?
more food. and more people, who came to buy the food. now you need people to help make the food and keep track of the sales. and now you need houses for people to live in and people to make the houses and now there’s more people and they invent things which makes things better and more people come and there’s more farming and more people to make more things for more people and now there’s business, money, writing, laws, power,
Society
coming soon to a dank river valley near you.
meanwhile, out in the middle of nowhere, the horse is probably being tamed.
why is all my metal so lame and lumpy?
tired of using lame, sad metal? introducing: bronze. made from special ingredient tin from the far lands of Tin Land. i dunno, my dealer won’t tell me where he gets it. also, guess what?
egypt
meanwhile, out in the middle of nowhere, they figured out how to put wheels on a horse. now we’re getting somewhere. also,
china
and did i mention
indus river valley civilization
society count: 5

norte chico
the middle east is getting more complicated. maybe because it’s in the middle of the east.
knock knock, er, clop clop. it’s the… people with the horses? and they made an empire. and then everyone else copied their horses.
greeks!
ah look, it must be the greeks! er, a beta version of the greeks.
let’s check in with the indus river valley civilization: they’re gone. guess who’s not gone? china.
new arrivals from india… maybe it’s those horse people i was talking about… or their cousins or something…
and they wrote some hymns and mantras and stuff…
you could make a religion out of this.
there’s the bronze age collapse.
now the phoenicians can get down to business
also, can we switch to a metal that’s a little easier to find? thanks.
look who came back to israel, it’s the twelve tribes of israel.
and they believe in God
just one though, and he’s got like a ten-step program.
here’s some huge heads. must be the olmecs.
the phoenicians make some colonies. the greeks copy their idea and make some colonies. the phoenicians made a colony so big it makes colonies.
here comes the assyrian empire. never mind, it’s the babyloni— media—
it’s the Persian Empire: “wow, that’s big”
enlightenment
ah, the buddha was just enlightened. who’s the buddha? this guy, who sat under a tree for so long that he figured out how to ignore the fact that we’re all dying. you could make a religion out of this.
oops, china just broke. but while it was breaking, confucius was figuring out how to have good morals.
enlightenment
ah, the greeks just had the idea of thinking about stuff.
and right over here, alexander just had the idea of conquering the entire persian empire. it’s a great idea. he was… great. and now he’s dead. hopefully, the rest of the gang will be able to share the empire evenly between them.
knock knock, it’s chandragupta. he says “get the hell out of here. will you get the hell out of here if i give you 500 elephants? okay, thanks, bye”
time to conquer all of india
er
most of india
but what about this part? that’s the tamil kings. no one conquers the tamil kings. who are the tamil kings? merchants, probably. and they’ve gotspices!
who would like to buy the spices? “me!” said the arabians, swiftly buying it and selling it to the rest of the world.
hey, china put itself back together again, with good morals as their main philosophy. actually, they have three main philosophies:
confucianism: have good morals
taoism: go with the flow
legalism: fuck you, obey the law
out here, the horse nomads run wild and free, and they would like to ransack your city.
nomads ransack china
let’s check the greekification levels of the greekified kingdoms: greekification overload.bye, said the parthians. bye, said the jews. hi, said the parthians, taking over the entire place.
heyyyyy, said the romans, eating the entire mediterranean for breakfast. “thanks for invading our homeland,” said the jews, who were starting to get tired of people invading their homeland.
“hi, everything’s great,” said some guy who seems to be getting very popular and is then arrested and killed for being too popular, which actually makes him more popular. you could make a religion out of this.
want silk? now you can buy it from china. they just made a brand new road to the world.
conquers vietnam
or you can get there on water
“sick! new trade routes!” said india, accidentally spreading their religion to the entire southeast.
hmm, that’s a good place for an epic trading kingdom.
there goes buddhism, travelling up the silk road. i wonder if it’ll reach china before it collapses again.
remember the persian empire? yep, said the persians, making a new one.
axum is getting so powerful, they would like to build a long stick.
has anyone populated madagascar yet? let’s do it together.
china is whole again…
…then it broke again
still can’t cross the sahara desert? try camels.
“hell yeah! now we’ve got business,” said the ghana empire, selling lots of gold. and slaves.
“hi, i’m a member of the roman empire, and i was wondering
is loving jesus legal yet?”
“no”
“actually, okay sure,” said constantine, moving the capital way over here to be closer to his main rival. don’t worry about rome, it won’t fall.
it’s the golden age of india
there’s the gupta empire, not chandragupta, just gupta. first name chandra. the first.
guess who’s in rome? barbarians. what’s a barbarian? “non-romans,” said the romans, being invaded by non-romans. r.i.p. roman empire. actually just half of it, the other half is just fine, but it’s not in rome anymore, so let’s give it a new name.
the mayans have figured out the stars
oh, and here’s a huge city, population: everyone.
the göktürks have taken over the entire eurasian steppe. great job, göktürks.
how’s india? broken. how’s china? back together.
how’s those trading kingdoms? bigger, and there’s more of them.
korea has three kingdoms. japan has a kingdom, it’s the sunrise kingdom.
intermission
deep in the arabian desert, on the top of a mountain, the real god whispers in muhammad’s ear. so, he goes down to the cube where everyone worships gods and he tells them their gods are all fake. and everyone got so mad at him that he had to leave town and go to a different town. you could make a religion out of this, and maybe conquer the world as well.
the roman empire is long gone, but somehow the pope is still the pope. plus, there’s new kingdoms all over europe. i wonder if there’s room for moors.
here’s all the wisdom. in a house. it’s the baghdad house of wisdom! just in time for the islamic golden age!
“let’s bring stuff to the coast and sell it, and become the swahili on the swahili coast,” said the swahili on the swahili coast.
remember this tiny space you have to go through to get from here to there? someone owns that now.
wanna get enlightened in the middle of nowhere?
the franks have the biggest kingdom in europe, and the pope is so proud that he invites the king over for christmas. “surprise! you’re the new roman emporer!” said the pope, pretending to still be part of the roman empire. then the franks broke their kingdom into what will later be called france and not-france.
the northerners, er, just “norse” if you don’t have much time, are exploring. they go north, from the north to the northern north. and they find some land— two types of land!— and they name them accordingly.
prankd
they also invade some other places and get called many names, such as “vikings.”
there’s the rus! the kievan rus! are they vikings? “i don’t think so,” said the kievan rus. okay, fair enough.
the pope is ready to make some more emperors of the roman empire. the holy roman empire! it’s actually germany, but don’t worry about it. new kingdoms—
CRISTIANIZE ALL THE KINGDOMS!!
which brand would you like?
“mine’s better”
“mine’s better”
“mine’s better”
“time to conquer england,” said william.
it’s a bird! it’s a plane! it’s the seljuk turks!
“aah!” said the byzantine empire, who’s getting so small and almost doesn’t exist anymore. “we need help!” they need help! so they call the pope.
“hey pope, can you help us get rid of the seljuks? maybe take back the holy land on the way? come on, i know you want to take back the holy land.”
“yes, i do actually want to do that. let’s do a crusade.”
crusade!
they did many crusades. some of which almost didn’t fail. but at least the italians got some sweet trade deals.
goodbye mayans. hello toltecs! goodbye toltecs. hello mississippi! look at those mounds.
there’s the pueblo. i always wondered how to build a town in a cliff.
guess who’s here? khmer. where? here! and pagan is there. vietnam unconquered itself, korea just became itself, and japan is so addicted to art that the military might have to take over the government.
china just invented bombs, and typing. and the mongols just invaded most of the universe. nice going, genghis! i bet that will last a long time.
some of the islamic turks were unaffected by the mongol invasions because they were busy invading india.
is it tonga time? i think it’s tonga time.
i just figured out where the swahili gets all of their gold.
look at this chad! it means “lake.” there’s an empire there! right in the middle of africa!
the king of mali is so rich, he’s going on tour to let everyone know. “wow, that guy’s rich,” everyone said.
the christians are doing a great job reconquering iberia, which will soon be called spain and not-spain. please remain christian. we will check in later to see if you’re still christian when you least expect.
whoops, half of europe just died.
ming! china’s back, yay!
hey, khmer. time to share. new kingdoms, here and there.
oh, look who controls all of the islands. it’s the mahajapit.
majahapit.
mapajahit.
mahapajit.
mapajahit.
ma-ja-pa-hit?
oh, italy’s real rich. time for them to care a lot about art and the ancient classics. it’s kinda like a rebirth.
here’s a printer. let’s make books!
so you think you can conquer the byzantine empire? yep, said the ottoman turks. nice job, ottoman turks. oops, you missed a spot. don’t forget to ban europe from the indian spice trade.
“what? that’s bullshit,” said portugal, spiceless.
“well i guess we’ll have to find another way to india”
“wait!” said christopher columbus, probably smoking crack. “if the world is round, let’s go this way to india.”
“nah, don’t worry, we already got this,” said portugal.
so chris goes to spain. “hey spain, wanna hire me to find india by going around back of the world?”
“no”
“please?”
“no”
“please?”
“wtf”
“no”
“please?”
“…okay”
so he sails into the ocean, and discovers… more ocean. and then discovers the indies, and japan! let’s draw a line to decide who gets which half of the world.
the aztec and the inca empires are off to a great start. i wonder if they know that europe just discovered their continent.
the hapsburgs are marrying into so many royal families, they might have to start marrying each other.
move over, lithuania, here comes moscow. ivan wants to make russia great again.
move over, timurids, maybe go invade india or something. persia just made persia persian again.
let’s make it the other kind of islam. the one where we thought the first guy should’ve been the other guy.
hey, christians! do you sin? now you can buy your way out of hell!
“that’s bullshit. this whole thing is bullshit. that’s a scam. fuck the church. here’s 95 reasons why,” said martin luther, in his new book which might have accidentally started the protestant reformation.
“you know what would be magnificent?” said suleiman wearing an onion hat. “what if the ottoman empire was… really big?” which it is now.
“what if russia was big?” said ivan, trying not to be terrible.
portugal had a dream that they controlled the entire indian ocean, including the spice trade. and then that dream was real.
and spain realized that this is not india, but they pillaged it anyway. “damn,” said england and france. “we gotta start pillaging some stuff.” then the dutch revolt, and all the hipsters moved to amsterdam. “damn,” said amsterdam. “we gotta start pillaging some stuff.”
question one: can you get to india from north america? no, but at least there’s beaver.
question two: steal the spice trade. that’s not a question, but the dutch did it anyway.
and sugar… guess where all of the sugar is made? in brazil! stolen! in the caribbean! and it’s so goddamn profitable, you might forget to not do slavery.
the next thing on russia’s to-do list is to get bigger.
britain and france are having a friendly discussion about who should control the entire world. more specifically, ohio. then it escalates into a seven-year discussion, giving prussia a chance to show austria who’s boss. but what about britain and france, did they figure out who’s boss? yes they did! it’s britain.
guess who’s broke? also britain! so they start taxing the hell out of america. “fuck you!” says america, declaring their independence and fighting for it, and france helps them win. now france is broke, and britain will have to send their prisoners to a different continent.
wait, if france is broke, why do the king and queen still wear such fancy dresses?
“let’s overthrow the palace and cut all their heads off!” said robespierre, cutting everybody’s heads off until someone eventually got mad and cut his head off.
you could make a rel— no, don’t.
haiti is starting to like the idea of a revolution, especially the slaves, who free themselves by killing their masters. “why didn’t we think of this before?”
wait, who’s in charge of france now? “me,” said napoleon, trying to take over europe. luckily, they banished him to an island. but he came back!luckily, they banished him to another island.
there goes latin america, becoming independent in the latin american wars of independence.
britain just figured out how to turn steam into power, so now they can make many different types of machines and factories with machines in them so they can make a lot of products real fast. then they invent some trains. and conquer india and maybe put some trains there.
“hey, china!” said britain. “buy stuff from us!” “nah, dude, we already got everything,” says china. so britain tried to get them addicted to opium, which worked, actually. but then china made it illegal and dumped it all into the sea. so britain threw a hissy fit and made them open up five cities and give them an island.
britain and russia are playing a game where they try to stop the other person from conquering afghanistan.
also, the sultan of oman lives in zanzibar now:“that’s just where he lives.”
india just had a revolution, and they would like to govern themselves now. “nope,” said britain, governing them even harder than before.
incoming telegram: HI I JUST SENT YOU A MESSAGE THRU A WIRE
technology is about to go crazy!
the united states finally figured out whether slavery is good or bad. it’s bad, they decided, and then they continued manifesting their destiny, which is to kill the rest of the natives and take their land and maybe kick out the mexicans too.
“i know! let’s rape africa!” said europe, scrambling to see who could rape it the fastest. they never got ethiopia…
britain and france are still hungry. they never got thailand…
the united states ran out of destiny to manifest, so they’re looking for more:
hawaii!
cuba!
wait, spain controls cuba.
well, blame something on them and go to war! what should we blame on spain?
u.s.s. maine sinks
“let’s blame the maine on spain.”
so they blame the maine on spain.
now we’re in business.
to celebrate, they kick panama out of panama and make a canal, connecting the two oceans.
britain just found oil in the middle east. it makes cars go…
china is so tired of being bossed around that they delete their old government and make a new, stronger government, which is accidentally weaker and is controlled by a guy from the previous government.
europe hasn’t had a war since the last war, so they start world war one. look at those guns! it’s gonna be a great war, so great we won’t need a second one. after it’s over, they blame germany.
russia went on strike, and the workers overthrew the government. now, everyone’s paycheck is the same. communism in the soviet union…
the arabs revolt and britain helps. now the ottoman empire is gone, so we can give the jewish people a place to live. hopefully the arabs won’t mind.
“let’s cut the cake!” said sykes and picot, carving up the remains of the not-so-ottoman-anymore-empire.
except turkey! turkey makes a brand new turkey!
and then the saudis conquer arabia. it just seemed like the right thing to do.
phone rings
hello? yes, it’s the 1920’s calling. let’s get to a car and drive to a party and listen to jazz on the radio and go to the movies. the economy is great and it will probably be great forever. just kidding.
germany’s back, featuring hitler, the angry mustache model, and he’s mad at the jews for existing.
japan is finally conquering the east, and they’re so excited, they rape nanking way too hard. they should probably just deny it.
hitler’s out of control, so the international community tackles him and tries to explain to him why killing all of the jews is a bad idea. but he kills himself because they could explain it to him. that’s world war two!
bonus round! pacific showdown
united states vs. japan
FIGHT!!
united states drops two extinction balls on japan
FINISH HIM!
let’s unite all the nations and have some world peace! seems legit.
“hi, im gandhi, and if britain doesn’t get the hell out of india, i’m going to starve myself in public.”
britain leaves
“wow, that worked?”
bonus! now there’s pakistan. actually two pakistans, one of them can be bangladesh later.
the jews and the arabs finally figured out which one of them should live in the holy land. “me!” they both said at the same time. let’s divide up the lands so we’re both happy. SIKE! they both get angrier!
look out, china! there’s a new china in china. what’s on the menu? communism! no thanks, said the other china, escaping to an island. i wonder which one is the real china…?
there’s the korean war. korea versus korea! nobody wins, then its on pause forever.
let’s meet the sponsors. oh, it’s the two global superpowers. they’re having a friendly debate over which economic system is good and which one is an evil virus of satan. and they both have atom bombs. FIGHT!! wait, no, that would be the end of the world. let’s just keep it cool and spy on each other instead. and make sure we have enough atom bombs.
“i’ll race you to space.”
united states plants a flag on the moon
now let’s make more countries fight themselves.
europe is tired of pillaging other continents, and the continents they were pillaging are tired of being pillaged. so here’s a new map with new countries. now you can’t tell who they’re being pillaged by.
the united states finally decided whether racism is good or bad. they decided it’s bad, and the world agrees. south africa might need another minute to think about it.
let’s check the world population!
woah. okay.
technology is better too, that might keep happening.
the soviet union decides to relax a little, and accidentally falls apart.
europe makes a union, so now they can all use the same money. except britain, because they don’t feel like it.
let’s check the mail… surprise! it’s on the computer!
whoops, someone just attacked america. i bet they’ll remember that.
phone call! surprise! it’s in your pocket! wanna learn everything? surprise! it’s on the computer! now your phone’s a computer, which is in your pocket!
whoops, the economy just crashed. don’t worry, the big banks won’t fail, because they’re not supposed to.
surprise!… flying robots. with bombs.
wanna print a brain?
some people have no friends. some people have no food. the globe is warming, and the ocean is full of plastic!
“let’s save the planet!” said everybody, not knowing how.
“let’s invent a thing inventor,” said the thing inventor inventor after being invented by a thing inventor. that’s pretty cool.
by the way, where the hell are we?
thanks for watching history
i hope i mentioned everything
psychic: what the fuck

aquiver | 03 (m)

aquiver (adj.) [uh-kwiv-er] in a state of trepidation or vibrant agitation; trembling; quivering

pairing: min yoongi x reader
genre/warnings: mature themes, talk of masturbation, smut, language, some type of fluff
words: 10,909
summary: Yoongi can’t remember the last time he was able to successfully bring himself to the point of orgasm, then Namjoon gives him a business card advertising ‘Healing Hands’, and that’s where he meets you; pretty and innocent looking, who gets paid to provide hand jobs for a living…
note. inspired by the novella ‘The Grownup’ by Gillian Flynn, literally just the character’s past occupation haha

» playlist | 01 | 02 | 03 |

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[Othard: a lore note]

There seems to be a lot of misinformation about Othard, geographically, among RPers right now, so a little PSA:  Othard has a lot of different areas, and most pointedly, Kugane and Doma are different places!

A wonderful lore person (Sounsyy) put together a translated map at some point on the RPC, and I think more people need to see it.   The full version can be seen here, but I’m going to ENHANCE and zoom in on the Othard part:

You’ll notice a few things here, or if you didn’t, let me colorfy to illustrate!

There in the right-hand box in red is a big ol’ island.  It’s labeled Koshu, which might be the region name (and therefore technically not Othard at all!), but we also know that at least part of this same area is called Hingashi, which is the name we’ve seen used in promotional material.  Think of it as the same way that Aldenard is also called Eorzea.

Anyway!  Hingashi is an island chain is to the east of Othard’s mainland to the left, separated by the Ruby Sea.  Hingashi is an isolationist area, and its only port open to outsiders is Kugane.   Kugane is NOT in Doma.  The new housing area is actually there in Hingashi, presumably tied to Kugane the way the other housing areas are adjacent to their city-states.

There’s apparently another major city on the other side of Hingashi called Bukyo.  I don’t know anything about it, sorry!  But it’s on the map.

Now, moving on to the blue area in the middle, which is…

This here, this is the Othard mainland, and where you’ll find the city-state of Doma, or whatever’s left of it since the Garleans put down the most recent uprising.  It’s in a region called Yanxia. 

And, if you were wondering where the Xaela are at…

That’s them, in the green region.  Interestingly, there’s two areas, one called the Azim Steppe and the other the Nhaama.   We don’t yet know what the significance is of having the regions named for the two gods of the Auri, and why they’re separated by a river, or if SE just thought it’d be cute or whatever.

ALSO:

There’s more of Othard, or even just the eastern half of this gigantic landmass, than is revealed on this map.   We know that the city-states of Rabinastre and Dalmasca, also Garlean-controlled, are SOMEWHERE out here in the unrevealed cloudy areas, though it doesn’t appear we’re going there this expansion. 

It’s also worth noting this map does reveal a lot of other places that we just don’t have lore on yet, but we will soon. 

I hope this post helped you if you are trying to work on backstories of characters that hail from this area of the world, and didn’t just confuse you instead.    ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Disclaimer:  I am not a lore expert or nothin, and I don’t know anything that hasn’t been pretty widely distributed.  Sounsyy did the good work on making this map or else I wouldn’t have known where to begin on this post.

2

first official Critical Role art, here we go!

if you aren’t following my personal blog, you probably don’t know that I’ve been mildly obsessing over watching this show since may 2016 (and have been “almost caught up” since like december, but they keep airing new episodes). it just took me this long to post art of it because headcanons are hard, man :0 these are still subject to change, and I may have forgotten some canon details, but it felt good to be able to do some art again!

2

“You are a disgrace! An absolute disgrace! I cannot believe you let your daughter see you in this condition, Theodore. She was so worried about you! I wish I could say that I’m surprised right now, but honest to god the only thing that surprises me about this is that you’re not in here with some peroxide blonde tramp!”

Theodore rolls his eyes, wincing as his sister-in-law’s shrill screams penetrate his throbbing skull. “Is she still here?” he mumbles, glancing over at the pink haired doll lying crumpled on the floor beside him.

Arabella scowls at him. “Yes. I had planned to take her and Hazel to school early this morning, but she insisted that I come up here to check on you first.”

He nods, and pulling himself up off the ground Theodore silently breezes past Bella and strides down the hallway toward his daughter and her cousin.

“Lila Grace,” Theo forces himself to smile through the piercing pain in his temples. “Go change out of your uniform, sweetheart. You’re not going to school today.”

“What?” the child frowns. “Why not?”

“Because I’m taking the entire day off work so you and I can spend some long overdue father-daughter time together.”

“What?!” three distinct voices reverberate around the corridor.

“No school! No school!” Lila Grace sings over and over again as she dances around her dad’s legs.

“Do I have to go to school, Mom?” Hazel whines.

“Theodore, I really don’t think that’s such a good idea,” Bella hisses, ignoring her daughter’s repeated tugs on the sleeve of her shirt.

“I just have one quick errand to run this morning, Gracie, but after that I promise I am yours for the rest of day. Does that sound like a plan?”

“Yes!” she exclaims. “I love you so much, Dad!”

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It’s okay to be insecure about being nonbinary. About being embarrassed to use neutral pronouns, they/them or otherwise. About asking people to change their name for you. About disclosing your identity to people in general.

A lot of positivity towards nb folk has to do with being loud and proud of who you are. And that’s wonderful! There’s nothing wrong with that! But it’s not like that for everyone. Maybe you’ll get there some day, maybe you won’t.

It’s all okay.