and here's all the wonderful things

:: important

ooc :: i’ve decided to wind down my activity on this blog due to real-life, but i do still want to interact with everyone so here i am with whatever these are called. i’m not all that active / a little confused about how to interact with others so i guess this is something to soothe my mind. i’m just wondering if it’s okay to do the following:

  • send as many memes to each other as we like ( although i won’t always answer them so you’re not obligated either )
  • tagging you in things ( starters, musings, picture etc. )
  • we can start and drop threads whenever ( multiple threads are okay )
  • it’s okay to approach you ooc

please like / reply / reblog if this is alright with you. thank you!

Gray’s Goodbye

Hello everyone.

First of all, I would like to apologize deeply for being completely absent from the blog. I have been adjusting to many changes in my life, and overall just experiences many incredible and not so incredible things. All in all, I was just living life.

To be frank, I haven’t given my 100% to this blog. Even around the last time I was active, I was feeling disconnected and losing the initial passion I felt towards the blog, as terrible as it sounds. And I know that might change your opinion of me, but I would like to be honest with you.

This blog has helped me realize a lot of wonderful things about myself. I have had so many unforgettable experiences here, including writing and talking to you all and just enjoying the things I love. I loved getting to know Kat, Kain, Fits, and Morgyn, even if it felt brief.

What I am trying to say is, through this last school year I have changed entirely as a person. I’ve realized that being an admin is not something I want. I’m not even sure if being apart of the tumblr community is something I want anymore. I felt like this a few months ago, even confiding in the other admins and ultimately deciding to give myself time in case I changed my mind.

I made up excuses, telling myself I was too busy to engage in the blog. When in honesty, I am now on summer vacation with free time on my hands and I just don’t see myself writing here anymore. In fact, I might just leave tumblr altogether if I really think about it.

A lot of this is rambling, and I am sure hardly anyone is reading this. In fact, I’ve been gone so long, I’m sure hardly anyone remembers who Admin Gray is. 

Point blank, I am saying goodbye.

Like I said, I have enjoyed this blog and created so many essential moments that will last forever in the crevices of my mind. I’ve grown as a writer, a fan, and a person. The people I’ve met, the friends that I had, and the work that I created with my fingers (unbelievably of course) will always hold a special place in my heart.

I just think back on this last year.

I experienced new changes. I’ve had some family struggles, school has been a large beast to conquer, and I was involved in my first serious relationship (which began suddenly and ended abruptly all at once). Through it all, I would come back and just lurk in the shadows, secretly admiring the blog and feeling like the supporter of the blog that I used to be. And I was okay with that.

And I hope you’re all okay with it too.

Gray will be a persona I leave behind. If I am active on my personal blog or on another blog in general, it will be as myself and using another name. I also removed The Lost Boys from this blog (which I am also deeply apologetic about). It is just that one piece of work I cannot leave behind and incomplete. If I were to repost it, too, it would just cause a lot of problems if I am using a different name and it would seem like I was plagiarizing myself. So if somewhere in the distant future, I revamped The Lost Boys, it is me as well haha.

Lastly, to end this horrific and long goodbye (probably no one read this far) I just want to thank you all for letting me be apart of something so splendid. I still remember last summer, when I was sitting at my lunch table during my summer classes. I checked my email, saw my first ever message from Kat, and felt as if I were going to burst from joy. I remember posting my first ever work like it was yesterday (News Flash). I remember my favorite scenarios that I wrote (Erase Me, To Be Brave, and Kiss Away the Pain). I remember everything. And this was just a beautiful and great chapter in the book of my life, one that is marked and forever cherished. So thank you all, for being there for me. 

Thank you Kat, for accepting me and being there to guide me. Thank you Kain, I always enjoyed talking to you and I found you very charming and friendly. Thank you Fits, you were always sweet to me and I enjoyed talking to you. Morgyn, you’re so wonderful and I wish we could’ve talked more.

I am so sorry for the long, long rant. But most of all, I’m sorry I couldn’t give you guys my all for a little bit longer. However, I believe everything happens for a reason. I hope you all enjoyed our time together like I did.

Love,

Gray

Originally posted by rapmonabiased

I know that Carmilla isn’t everyone’s cup of tea and that’s completely fine because everyone likes different things. All I ask is that you don’t right off why people do like it as “just being there for the gay”. For a lot of people it has helped them come to terms with themselves and for me it helped me find characters that I could relate to. I’m not out here saying that it’s the most wonderful piece of cinematography ever or that it isn’t cliche because it totally is cliche and it’s cheesy, it’s silly but I think that the actors are awesome. You might not and again that’s your opinion but please just don’t write off people that do. I’m not looking for an argument or tell people what they can and can’t post, I just don’t want to feel like I should be shamed for liking something. That’s all. Just for further note if anyone I follow isn’t a carmilla fan then I tag all of the posts I make with either #Carmilla or #Carmillamovie that way you can black list the posts you don’t want to see! That’s all, I hope this comes across with respect because I don’t mean for it to be put across in any other way! :)

actualplanetpluto  asked:

I can't breathe with courferre?

Oh grim the humble angst request that plagues the sweet Courferre shipper </3

The song was soft and sweet and romantic, and exactly the kind of music you’d expect to play at Marius and Cosette’s wedding.

This was where Courfeyrac usually lived, all these people, all of his friends, the happy energy, the dancing.

But the reasons that Courfeyrac would usually thrive were also the exact reasons the he was currently standing, frozen to the spot, the champagne glass in his hand held so tightly that it was a wonder it hadn’t cracked.

He was here, and of course he looked so beautiful. Of course he was graceful and wonderful. And of course- he was dancing with somebody else.

He should have known better than to plan things out in his head. They rarely played out the way he wanted them too. 

He had imagined it a million times- the soft and romantic lighting, the fairy lights twinkling above them as the first song played. Extending a hand to him, jokingly at first, but once they came together, entwined in a slow dance, he would finally see Courfeyrac the way he always saw him.

He couldn’t bare it anymore. His fantasy scene was playing out perfectly, but it had left him behind as a spectator, not the star. Courfeyrac stumbled past a group of giggling guests, his feet carrying him away.

“Where are you going.” Somebody called out to him.

“I just need some air.” Is what Courfeyrac said. I can’t breathe is what he thought.

Combeferre had came to the wedding, dashing and lovely. He’d danced with somebody close and fallen in love to the sway of a romantic song- but he hadn’t done any of it with Courfeyrac.

FINALLY got to see gotg vol. 2 and oh my god here’s a brief rundown of some of the things I loved most about it (will def have to rewatch!) @abygailhobbs @shewhorunsmazes

  • first of all Starmora could NOT have been done better. and now I have a legit otp tag for them - “otp: some unspoken thing.” I loved that we see the cumulative growth since vol. 1 and further development of their friendship in this movie and I LOVED that they didn’t kiss during the funeral! It makes so much sense for them to take it slow and it’s so wonderful to see how much Peter respects Gamora’s personal space and is allowing her to come to him. 
  • speaking of which, I love that this movie, even moreso than the last, openly acknowledges the particular emotional and mental issues each of these characters has - why they have them, how they’re dealing (or not dealing) with them, and how they affect their wellbeing and that of those around them as well as their relationships. every single one of them is examined from every angle with the kind of care most Marvel movies aren’t given the time to implement bc of how much stuff Disney forces directors to shove into them, displacing the time and space needed for such treatment. 
  • Groot being raised by the entire crew!!! that shot at the end where he wants to be held by each of them in turn :’) and Peter and Gamora basically being his mom and dad was the best thing ever
  • speaking of which Peter has matured a lot since vol. 1! from the beginning we see how much more responsible and level-headed he is overall, though he still has his arrogant and reckless moments deeply rooted in his partially arrested development to contend with - as we see when he and Rocket nearly get everyone killed. and his caring nature and the responsibility he takes on for his friends come to the fore when the arrogance and recklessness of his father nearly deprives him of all of that he loves - the family he has chosen, firmly cementing his allegiance to his better nature. 
  • Mantis and Drax??? were so cute??? individually and together they were a delight to get to know better and it was good to see Drax happy and content with his new family even if he still mourned his old one - and Mantis is so sweet and loving and a good conduit for the emotion of a very emotionally confused group of people - and her own emotions aren’t ignored either ofc; they’re kind to her and take her in as a friend. she wasn’t just treated as a cute plot device to reflect the other characters’ emotions. we learn about her backstory too and her own emotional needs. excited to get to know her better.
  • NEBULA. I was not at all expecting to get to learn more about her but desperately wanted to and James Gunn DELIVERED. I was sad she left at the end but she and Gamora are finally on good terms and can begin to heal. It’s very much unfinished business between them. Interested to see how her decision to go it alone will intersect with everyone else dealing with Thanos in Infinity War. And excited by the possibility that Gamora will be front and center in Vol. 3 which James Gunn has mentioned - which means Nebula likely will be too.
  • I read somewhere that they originally were going to have Peter kill Yondu in vol. 1 but decided against it because they felt it didn’t fit his characterization. Given his unromanticized description of his painful upbringing I would’ve been ok with him offing Yondu but I greatly prefer the direction they took Yondu’s backstory in this film and the fact that while they acknowledge that Peter’s childhood was still very messed up it wasn’t all bad and Yondu ultimately sacrificed all for him and didn’t allow his past to define him - just as Rocket ultimately chooses not to. Michael Rooker is a great actor and he did a fantastic job with this complicated character and his poignant scenes with both Rocket and Peter. 

anonymous asked:

portal!Stan and Angie with 27 or 40 pretty please!

I’m gonna cry, Anon, this was so wonderful to write.  Reunions are one of my favorite kind of scenes, and Angie is such a dear character to me and augh.  I really liked how this turned out.  So here’s Angie seeing her husband for the first time in twelve years.  Enjoy.

Send me a number and some characters and I’ll write a ficlet!


               “Angie?”  Angie didn’t look up from Emmett’s math homework, attempting to stay focused. Her youngest child had inherited dyslexia from his father, so she spent hours each day after school, helping him with things he couldn’t read.  

               “Not now, Ford,” she mumbled.  She spared a quick thought, wondering why Ford had stopped by.  

               I thought he was going to be workin’ on that portal all day.

               “Angie.”  At the sound of a second voice, her heart stopped.  She dropped the pencil she was holding and looked up, terrified but hopeful. Standing in the entryway to her kitchen was a man she hadn’t seen in twelve years.

               “Stan,” she breathed.  He was ragged, coated in dirt and grime, and she could smell him from where she was sitting. But he was still the most handsome man she had ever seen.  “Stan!” The shout tore itself from her throat as she rocketed from her seat towards her husband.  Angie collapsed against Stan’s chest, wrapping her arms around him as tightly as possible.  “Stan,” she whimpered, pressing her face close to his body.

               “Angie,” he responded.  She swallowed, listening to Stan’s heartbeat, whose rapid tempo matched her own.  

               “Yer back.”

               “I’m back,” Stan said, squeezing her in return.  

               But with only one arm?  She shook her head, burying her face in Stan’s chest.  No.  No. Don’t think about that right now. All that matters is that the love of yer life is back.  Tears began to leak from her eyes.

               “Hey, hey, don’t cry,” Stan said.  

               “I missed you.  I missed you so much,” she sobbed.  “Every day you were gone, I- I saw ya, in-in in our children.  Our beautiful children.”  She could feel Stan’s chin resting snugly on the top of her head.

               “Well, they’re your kids too,” he said softly.  “Of course they’re beautiful.”  She laughed.

               “Ya learned how to be such a sweet-talker while you were gone.”

               “Nah, just how to speak a buncha alien languages,” Stan said dismissively. Angie ignored the other people in the kitchen.  The only thing she wanted to pay attention to was her husband’s heartbeat, the feel of his now thoroughly dingy red jacket, and the warmth percolating from his body into hers.  

               “I could hold you forever,” Stan whispered in her ear, his lips brushing up against her earlobe.  Angie smiled.

               “With one arm?”

               “Hell, yeah,” Stan said.  Angie chuckled.

               “Don’t swear in front of yer son.”

               “Son?”

               “Didn’t Ford tell ya?” Angie asked.  Stan moved slightly.

               “He only told me that you and the baby were fine.  Wouldn’t tell me anything else.”

               “Ma?” Emmett asked.  “Who- who are ya hugging?”  With a sigh, Angie peeled herself away from her husband.  She stroked his face.

               “A beard suits ya.”

               “Yeah?”

               “Yeah.”  Angie smiled fondly at Stan.  “But I think it’s time we did some introductions.”

anonymous asked:

Hi Seo! Recently I've been struggling in my science class and I was wondering if you have any advice on how I could improve through better study methods and other things that could specifically help me with science. (Because of my grade my school still requires that I take a science course with biology, chemistry, physics, and environmental science all combined into one year.)

here is my faq page which may have helpful advice for you as well as my tips page which has links to all of the study advice posts i’ve made. i also have a tag for study tips / advice which may help you.

google is your best friend. you can search up anything that you’re having trouble on, and it’ll give you tutorials, articles, videos, etc etc etc about it. also, don’t be afraid of asking questions in class. finally, don’t hold yourself back by telling yourself that you’re not good at it or that you’re just bad at it. oftentimes, you can trick yourself into doing worse than what you actually can do.

duckswearhats  asked:

Hi, I read that you've dealt with with impostor syndrome in the past, and I'm really struggling with that right now. I'm in a good place and my friends are going through a lot, and I'm struggling to justify my success to myself when such amazing people are unhappy. I was wondering if you have any tips to feel less like this and maybe be kinder to myself, but without hurting anyone around me. It's a big ask, I know, but any help would make my life a lot less stressful

The best help I can offer is to point you to Amy Cuddy’s book, Presence. She talks about Imposter Syndrome (and interviews me in it) and offers helpful insight.

The second best help might be in the form of an anecdote. Some years ago, I was lucky enough invited to a gathering of great and good people: artists and scientists, writers and discoverers of things. And I felt that at any moment they would realise that I didn’t qualify to be there, among these people who had really done things.

On my second or third night there, I was standing at the back of the hall, while a musical entertainment happened, and I started talking to a very nice, polite, elderly gentleman about several things, including our shared first name. And then he pointed to the hall of people, and said words to the effect of, “I just look at all these people, and I think, what the heck am I doing here? They’ve made amazing things. I just went where I was sent.”

And I said, “Yes. But you were the first man on the moon. I think that counts for something.”

And I felt a bit better. Because if Neil Armstrong felt like an imposter, maybe everyone did. Maybe there weren’t any grown-ups, only people who had worked hard and also got lucky and were slightly out of their depth, all of us doing the best job we could, which is all we can really hope for.

(There’s a wonderful photograph of the Three Neils even if one of us was a Neal at http://journal.neilgaiman.com/2012/08/neil-armstrong.html)

9

February 9, 1981

Happy 36th Birthday precious snowflake !

It’s time for another Hiveswap development team interview!

Hey there, Hiveswap and Homestuck fans! Ash here once again, and as promised, it’s time for another interview with the talented folks on Hiveswap’s development team! And don’t worry – if you missed the first interview, with our environment art director Rah, you can find it right here!

Who’s in the hot seat today? Why, it’s Adrienne, our lead animator! She can tell you far more about her work on the project than I ever could, so without further ado, I’m going to hand things off to her – after reminding you all to take good, long looks at the wonderful examples of her work peppered throughout this interview. Take it away, Adrienne!

Introduce yourself to the fans! What is your specific role on the Hiveswap team?

Hiya! My name’s Adrienne and I’m the lead animator for Hiveswap. I work together with Angela, the animation director, on roughs, cleanup, background and cutscene animation – anything that moves!

When and how did you get your start on the Hiveswap project?

I was hired full-time in January 2016, but I started doing some sprite conceptualization in late 2015 in tandem with [S]:Collide work (I animated sprites for the main big bads and did thumbnails for some of the sequences).

Tell us a little bit about your career background! How did you get your start in animation? Do you have any advice for others looking to enter this field?

Homestuck is basically my career background, ahaha.

I drew a lot of fan art for Homestuck after I finished catching up in late 2012. I got some attention from my work and I was asked to do comic pages for Paradox Space. Then I did work for the Homestuck calendar. Then I just became more involved in the comic after that by doing thumbnails, sprite animation, comic pages, snapchats… and now I’m working on the game… it’s been a wild ride from fan to full-time fan.

But as for how I got started in animation, a lot of it was influenced by anime and then DeviantArt while I was growing up. I grew up with Naruto and loved Norio Matsumoto’s work in it (he did the key animation for the best episodes!). And on DeviantArt, I liked following OCTs (Original Character Tournaments) and was particularly inspired by Unknown-Person’s work.

My general advice would be to value learning and exploration, and have less expectations of what life should hand you – it makes a lot of circumstances feel like a pleasant surprise and a good opportunity to learn something new. That’s how I felt when I stumbled into this field anyway, haha.

We’re making a video game, so of course the question must be asked: what’s your favorite game of all time, and what games are you playing currently (if any)?

Agh, what a difficult question. My most-played genre is colorful multiplayer shooters like Team Fortress 2, Overwatch, and Splatoon.

I finished Nier: Automata recently and now I’m working through Persona 5. But when I’m not working through that game, I play Breath of the Wild (most of my time is spent riding my horse around Hyrule – it’s very calming).

Are there any games that you currently use or have used as inspiration for your own animation work here on Hiveswap, or just in general?

I generally use Homestuck flash animations as an inspiration for Hiveswap sprite animations.

When I’m working on cutscenes, I look to Professor Layton stuff. I love how they integrated cutscenes with gameplay in that series.

As an animator, you must have some favorite cartoons and/or anime – tell us about them!

My recent favorite is Mob Psycho 100. The raw and rough quality of the animation for that one is my jam and the main cast is really inspiring. Avatar: The Last Airbender is still my top favorite for its epic storytelling and world-building. Naruto always has a special place in my heart since it’s one of the earliest things that inspired me to study animation.

Other big influential works for me were Princess Mononoke and How to Train Your Dragon.

What’s your workstation like? Do you like to listen to any particular kinds of music while you work? If so, tell us about it!

Here’s a picture of my workstation! If you squint at the bottom screen closely, you can see me taking the picture. But anyway… yeah. I am a little embarrassed for people to know how saturated my workstation is with inspirational quotes (there are papers of handwritten motivation on the walls behind me), but that’s just how I deal when the anxiety gets a little rough.

When I want to focus (usually for rough animation and concept art), I pull up an electronic or classical playlist on YouTube (and recently Spotify) or have no music playing at all. But for everything else (cleanup, in-betweens, etc.), I dig into different genres once in awhile but Imagine Dragons and Americana/folk stuff are my go-to. Acoustics sound really nice in these speakers.

Favorite Homestuck character?

Egh, this is impossible… I’m gonna say it’s between Rose, Jade, Roxy, Kanaya, Terezi, and Vriska… um…

Favorite Homestuck ship?

Rose/Kanaya has never once failed me! c: (I think John/Terezi is really funny too.)

Favorite Homestuck flash?

Urgh… I don’t know, there’s so many that I love. In terms of like… cool and creative setup, [S] Cascade probably? [S] GAME OVER is cool too, because everyone died and the stakes just got so much higher. Oh! I just remembered [S] Make her pay as well!

This question is impossible.

(In the above animation timeline, the first frame is held for 4/24 of a second, the second frame for 2/24 of a second, the third for 2/24, and so on.)

Do you have a personal message you’d like to relay to all the Homestuck and Hiveswap fans out there?

Thank you for all your support, and for your patience in making it through the Giga/Mega/Omegapauses intact!

Where can people find more of your work? Link us to your own little corner(s) of the Internet!

If you want to see more of my stuff, my Tumblr is the place to be!

Thank you, Adrienne! Well, folks, I hope you’ve enjoyed this second Hiveswap development team interview – and don’t worry, there are still plenty more to come!

Now that we’ve gotten things rolling, from here on out we’ll be bringing you a new interview every Wednesday, so be sure to check back every week for a new behind-the-scenes look at the development of Hiveswap and the talented people behind it!

See you next time!

The Stevenbomb - what happens next...

Warning: Spoilers!

So, now that we’ve experienced the thoroughly explosive new Stevenbomb, there’s a burning question that we all want the answer to:

What happens next?!

Steven’s now willing en-route to Homeworld in order to keep his friends safe from harm, the Crystal Gems powerless to stop this heartbreaking scenario from playing out right in front of their eyes.

They’ll need a plan, and fast.  But the glaring issue here is that their only space craft has been stolen reunited with its rightful owner again.  The upshot of this, of course, is that the Crystal Gems now have no way of reaching space.

Or, do they…?

Originally posted by sakkakumon

Upon being freed from the mirror – and subsequently healed – by Steven, Lapis couldn’t get off the Earth fast enough.  In a relatively short amount of time, she was able to fly herself all the way back to Homeworld without the aid of a vehicle.

We know that, Peridot aside, Steven is the one person who Lapis cares for the most.  She’s already effectively sacrificed herself to save him in the past (this being her logic, no matter how questionable it might have been, when forming Malachite in order to stop Jasper from hurting Steven) – so she’s going to jump at the chance to save him again.

I daresay that the Crystal Gems will be well aware of this and will want/need to enlist her help, along with Peridot’s.  Peridot is, of course, the most “modern” Gem of the group and is the only one with prior experience of the current-day Homeworld.

Originally posted by inqnell

However, another issue could arise here because (in a manner of speaking) Aquamarine and Topaz were sent to Earth because of Peridot.  If she hadn’t filed that report all the way back in Marble Madness, things might have played out very differently indeed.

I’ve theorised in the past that Peridot is internalising a lot of the guilt that she undoubtedly feels for her past actions (trying to kill Steven, the fusion experiments, almost leaving the Earth to be torn apart by the Cluster, etc) and that, eventually, something would cause all of this guilt to come spilling out.  I have to wonder if she’s going to blame herself for Steven’s capture and that, ultimately, this is going to be the thing that tips her guilt over the edge.

Peridot has recently been showing an awful lot of compassion to one individual in particular, continually putting this individual’s happiness and comfort first…

Originally posted by roses-fountain

Lapis Lazuli.

Could it now be Lapis’ turn to be there for Peridot, just as Peridot has been for her?

When Lapis and Peridot find out what happened to Steven, there’s going to be a lot of upset from everyone.  Sometimes upset can turn to anger, and blame might start being attributed all around.  Perhaps the Crystal Gems themselves will begin blaming Peridot for what happened.

I can’t stop thinking about Peridot feeling guilty and getting very upset about the whole thing, prompting Lapis to say “It’s not your fault, Peridot…” before glaring at the Crystal Gems and adding something like “You’re not the one who let them take him!”

I feel like Lapis might be harbouring some resentment for the Crystal Gems and that she’s going to see Steven’s capture as being another reason not to trust them.  As I mentioned earlier, Lapis considers that she actually sacrificed herself to save Steven – so this line of logic could lead her to thinking that the Crystal Gems could have done more to prevent him from being taken.

Is it fair to apportion blame like this?  No – but that’s what can happen when something this distressing and heartbreaking happens.

Regardless of whether or not the “blame game” comes to fruition, everyone will have to calm down from their upset eventually and figure out what to do.  They’ll have to set aside any differences/disagreements that they may have and come together in order to rescue the one person who ultimately binds them all together – Steven.

And this is where things could get very interesting indeed.

Lapis can travel through space, but it’s unlikely that she would have the physical strength to carry multiple Gems with her. However…what if she’s not just Lapis at this point?

I think a fusion between Lapis, Peridot and the Crystal Gems (effectively creating another Alexandrite-esque Gem) is highly unlikely, for a number of reasons.

Originally posted by rozequart

Originally posted by thecrystalgifs

Alexandrite is an incredibly powerful Gem – and so was Malachite, Lapis’ only other fusion to date.  If one were to combine these forces, the resulting Gem would be unstoppable.  This would be ideal, of course; but, from a storytelling point of view, it offers a solution that’s too simple.  A “get out of jail free” card, if you like.

There’s also the aforementioned issue of Lapis perhaps not fully trusting the other Crystal Gems yet, as well as a huge question mark hanging over the stability of a fusion involving six Gems.  Lapis has also been left traumatised by her experience as Malachite, so I feel like she’d only fuse again with someone who she was very close to – with a dire emergency like this one being the catalyst to get her to try fusing with someone again out of pure necessity.

Luckily, there is someone who Lapis fully trusts, who she spends almost all her time alongside, and who she’s living a very harmonious relationship with…

Originally posted by barzeronipizza

…and so this might be where we finally see our Lapidot fusion!

To me, it makes absolute perfect sense.  Lapis can fly through space at an alarming rate, Peridot knows all about modern Homeworld – and, if necessary, their fusion might actually be able to carry the other Crystal Gems along with them!

Imagine a scene where Steven is in a room on Homeworld (or, alternatively, still on-board Aquamarine and Topaz’s ship).  Suddenly, a new Gem – the Lapidot fusion – comes bursting through the door, the Crystal Gems in her arms/clinging onto her back.  That would be an amazing scenario.

Of course, the nature of the show is such that we see everything from Steven’s perspective.  I wonder if the show will break this convention soon in order to show what’s happening on Earth ahead of Steven’s inevitable rescue.  We obviously know he’s going to get rescued somehow, but the tension and build-up would be somewhat watered-down if we see the Crystal Gems’ plan play out in the form of a The New Crystal Gems style flashback episode.  That’s still a distinct possibility, of course, but I must admit that it’d be nice to see the show’s formula get slightly shaken up in the next episodes.

history of the entire world, i guess; a transcript

hi. you’re on a rock, floating in space. pretty cool, huh? some of it’s water. fuck it, actually most of it’s water. i can’t even get from here to there without buying a boat. it’s sad. i’m sad. i miss you. how did this happen? a long time ago, actually never, and also now, nothing is nowhere. when? never. makes sense, right? like i said, it didn’t happen. nothing was never anywhere. that’s why its been everywhere. it’s been so everywhere, you don’t need a “where”. you don’t even need a “when”. that’s how “every” it gets. (pause). forget this. i wanna be something, go somewhere, do something. i want things to change. i want to invent time and space. and i know it’s possible because everything is here and it probably already happened. i just don’t know when to start. and that’s exactly where it started. (background noise) woah. i… paused it. i think there’s a universe now. what’s it made of? quarks and stuff. ah, that’s a thing, in a place. don’t like it? try a new place, at a different Time™. try to stick together because the world is gonna get bigger and emptier. but it’s not empty yet. it’s still very full, and about a kjghpillion degrees. (about no seconds later). great news! the quarks are now happily married in groups of three called a “proton” or a “neutron”. and there’s something else flying around too that wants to join in but can’t cause it’s still to (HOT). (about ten minutes later). great news! the protons and the neutrons are now happily married to each other (some of them even doubled up). (about 380,000 years later). great news, the electrons have now joined in. congratulations, the world is now a bunch of gas in space. but it’s getting closer together and it’s getting closer together and it’s getting closer together. it’s a staaaar. new shit just got made. some stars burn out and die. bigger stars burn out and die with passion! and make some brand new way crazier shit. space dust! which allows newer, more interesting stars to be made, and then die, and explode into even crazier space dust. so now stars have cool stuff around them, like rocks, ice, and funny clouds, which can make some very interesting things. like this ball of flaming rocks, for example. holy shit, we just got hit with another ball of flaming rocks, and it kinda made a mess. which is now the moon. weather update: it’s raining rocks from outer space. weather update: those rocks might’ve had water inside them and now there’s Hot Steam in the sky. weather update: cooler temperatures today, and the floor is no longer lava. weather update: its raining. severe flooding alert: the entire world is now an ocean. volcano alert: that’s land. there’slifeintheocean. what? something’s alive in the ocean. oh cool, like a plant or an animal? no. a microscopic speck! it lives at the bottom of the ocean and eats chemical soup which is being served hot and fresh made from gnarly space ingredients leftover from when it was raining rocks or whatever. oh yeah, and it can do that. it has secret instructions written inside itself telling it how to build another one of itself. so that’s pretty nifty, i would say. tired of living at the bottom of the ocean? now you can eat sunlight. using a revolutionary technique you can convert sunlight into food. taste the sun. side effect: now there’s oxygen everywhere and the sky’s blue. then the earth might’ve been a snowball for a while, maybe even a coupla times. it’s a sponge, it’s a plant, it’s a worm and some other types of weird strange water bugs and strange fish. it’s the Cambrian explosion. “wow, that’s animals and stuff.” but we’re still in the ocean. hey, can we go on land? NoO. why? the sun is a deadly lazer. oh okay. not anymore there’s a blanket. now the animals can go on land. come on, animals, let’s go on land! “nope, can’t walk yet. and there’s no food yet so i don’t care.” (100 million years later) ok, will you learn to walk if there’s plants up here? “maybe,” said some bugs, and fish. “uh. uh. uh.” (five million years later) “ok so i can go on land but i have to go back in the water to have babies.” (idea) learn to use an egg. “i was already doing that.” use a stronger egg, and put water in it, have a baby, on land, in an egg. water is in the egg, baby, in the water, in the egg. works for me. bye bye ocean. aaand now everything is huge. including bugs. wanna see a map of the land? sure. ah fuck, now everything’s dead. just kidding here are the survivors. keep your eye on this one because its about to become the dinosaurs. here’s another map of the land. yeah, it broke apart, don’t worry about it, it does that all the time. here comes a meteor. and the dinosaurs are gone. its mammal time! here come the mammals. look at those breasts. now they’re gonna dominate the world, and one of them just learned how to grab stuff. and walk. no, like, walk like ‘that’. and grab stuff at the same time. and bang rocks together to make… pointed rocks. “ouch.” and set things on fire. “yeouch.” and make crazy sounds with their voice (“gneurshk.”) which can mean different things. that’s a human person. and now they’re everywhere, almost. ice age. what? you can walk over here? cool. not anymore. i guess we’re stuck here now.

let’s review. there’s people on the planet. and they’re chasing their food. fuck it, time to plant some grass. look at this, i control the food now. now everyone will want to be my friend and live near me. let’s all build houses except mine is bigger because i own the food. this is great, i wonder if anyone else is doing this. tired of using rocks for everything? use metal. it’s underground. better farming was just invented in a sweet dank valley right in between these two rivers, and the animals are helping. guess what happens next. more food, and more people who came to buy the food. now you need people to help make the food and keep track of the sales. and now you need houses for people to live in, and people to make the houses. and now there’s more people and they invent things, which makes things better and more people come. and there’s more farming and more people to make more things for more people. and now there’s business, money, writing, laws, power. sociiiety. coming soon to a dank river valley near you. meanwhile, out in the middle of nowhere, the horse is probably being tamed. why is all my metal so lame and lumpy? tired of using lame, sad metal? introducing bronze, made with special ingredient tin from the far lands of tin land. i don’t know, my dealer won’t tell me where he gets it. also, guess what - egypt. meanwhile, out in the middle of nowhere, they figured out how to put wheels on a horse. now we’re getting somewhere. also, china. and did i mention indusrivervalleycivilization. norte chico. the middle east is getting more complicated, maybe because it’s in the middle of the east. knock knock- er, clop clop, it’s the people with the horses? and they made an empire! and then everyone else copied their horses. greeks! ah look, it must be the greeks, or a beta version of the greeks. let’s check in with the indus river valley civilization. they’re gone. guess who’s not gone? china. new arrivals in india. maybe it’s thosehorsepeopleiwastalkingabout or theircousinsorsomething. and they wrote some hymns and mantras and stuff. you could make a religion out of this. there’s the bronze age collapse. now the phoenicians can get down to business. also, can we switch to a metal that’s a little easier to find? thanks. look who came back to israel, it’s the twelve tribes of israel. and they believe in god. just one though, he’s got like a ten step program. here’s some huge heads, must be the olmec. the phoenicians make some colonies. the greeks copy their idea and make some colonies. the phoenicians made a colony so big it makes colonies. here comes the assyrian empire. nevermind it’s the babylonian- median- it’s the persian empire. “wow, that’s big.” ah, the buddha was just enlightened! who’s the buddha? this guy, who sat under a tree for so long that he figured out how to ignore the fact that we’re all dying. you could make a religion out of this. oops, china just broke, but while it was breaking confucius was figuring out how to have good morals. ah, the greeks just had the idea of thinking about stuff. and right over here, alexander just had the idea of conquering the entire persian empire. it’s a great idea, he was…great. and now he’s dead. hopefully, the rest of the gang will be able to share the empire evenly between them. knock knock, it’s chandragupta, he says, “get the hell out of here, will you get the hell out of here if i give you 500 elephants? ok thanks bye; time to conquer all of india- or most of india”. but what about this part? that’s the tamil kings, no one conquers the tamil kings. who are the tamil kings? merchants, probably. and they’ve got spices. who would like to buy the spices? “me,” said the arabians, swiftly buying them and selling them to the rest of the world. hey, china put itself back together again with good morals as their main philosophy. actually they have three main philosophies. out here, the horse nomads run wild and free, and they would like to ransack your city. let’s check the greekification levels of the greekified kingdoms: greekification overload! “bye,” said the parthians, “bye,” said the jews. “hi,” said the parthians, taking over the entire place. “heyyyyyyyy,” said the romans, eating the entire mediterranean for breakfast. “thanks for invading our homeland,” said the jews, who were starting to get tired of people invading their homeland. “hi, everything’s great,” said some guy who seems to be getting very popular, and then gets arrested and killed for being too popular, which only makes him more popular. you could make a religion out of this. want silk? now you can buy it from china! they just made a brand new road to the world…or you can get there on water. “sick, new trade routes,” said india, accidentally spreading their religion to the entire southeast. hmm, that’s a good place for an epic trading kingdom. there goes buddhism, travelling up the silk road. i wonder if it’ll reach china before it collapses again. “remember the persian empire? yup,” said the persians, making a new one. axum is getting so powerful they would like to build a long stick. has anyone populated madagascar yet? let’s do it together. china is whole again…then it broke again. still can’t cross the sahara desert? try camels. “hell yeah, now we’ve got business,” said the ghana empire, selling lots of gold, and slaves. “hi i live in the roman empire and i was wondering, is loving jesus legal yet?” “no” “actually ok sure,” said constantine, moving the capitol way over here to be closer to his main rival. don’t worry about rome, it won’t fall. it’s the golden age of india. there’s the gupta empire. not chandragupta, just gupta, first name chandra, the first. guess who’s in rome? barbarians. what’s a barbarian? “non-romans,” said the romans, being invaded by non-romans. r.i.p. roman empire. or actually, just half is just fine. but it’s not in rome anymore so let’s give it a new name. the mayans have figured out the staaars. oh, and here’s a huge city, population everyone. the göktürks have taken over the entire eurasian steppe. great job, göktürks. how’s india? broken. how’s china? back together. how’s those trading kingdoms? bigger, and there’s more of them. korea has three kingdoms. japan has a kingdom, it’s the sunrise kingdom.

deep in the arabian desert, on the top of a mountain, the real god whispers in muhammad’s ear, so he goes down to the cube where everyone worships gods, and he tells them their gods are all fake. and everyone got so mad at him that he had to leave town and go to a different town. you could make a religion out of this. and maybe conquer the world as well. the roman empire is long gone, but somehow the pope is still the pope. plus there’s new kingdoms all over europe. i wonder if there’s room for moors. here’s all the wisdom, in a house. it’s the baghdad house of wisdom, just in time for the islamic golden age. “let’s bring stuff to the coast and sell it, and become the swahili on the swahili coast,” said the swahili on the swahili coast. remember this tiny space you have to go through to get from here to there? someone owns that now. wanna get enlightened in the middle of nowhere? the franks have the biggest kingdom in europe, and the pope is so proud that he invites the king over for christmas. “surprise, you’re the new roman emperor,” said the pope, pretending to still be part of the roman empire. then the franks broke their kingdom into what will later be called france and not france. the northerners, or just norse if you don’t have that much time, are exploring. they go north, from the north to the northern north, and they find some land. two types of land, and they name them accordingly. they also invade some other places and get called many names, such as vikings. there’s the rus, the kievan rus. are they vikings? “i don’t think so,” said the kievan rus. ok, fair enough. the pope is ready to make some more emperors of the roman empire, the holy roman empire. it’s actually germany but don’t worry about it. new kingdoms! christianizeallthekingdoms. which brand would you like? “mine’s better,” “mine’s better,” “mine’s better”. “time to conquer england,” said william. it’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s the seljuk turks. “ahh!” said the byzantine empire, who’s getting so small it almost doesn’t exist anymore, “we need help!” they need help, so they call the pope. “hey pope, can you help us get rid of the seljuks? maybe take back the holy land on the way? come on, i know you wanna take back the holy land.” “yes, i do actually want to do that. let’s do a crusade.” crusade. they did many crusades, some of which almost didn’t fail, but at least the italians got some sweet trade deals. goodbye mayans. hello toltecs, goodbye toltecs, hello mississippi. look at those mounds. there’s the pueblo. i always wondered how to build a town in a cliff. guess who’s here? khmer. where? here, and pagan is there, and vietnam unconquered itself, korea just became itself, and japan is so addicted to art that the military might have to take over the government. china just invented bombs, and typing. and the mongols just invaded most of the universe. nice going, genghis. i bet that will last a long time! some of the islamic turks were unaffected by the mongol invasions because they were busy invading india. is it tonga time? i think it’s tonga time. i just found out where the swahili gets all their gold. look at this chad (means lake), there’s an empire there, right in the middle of africa. the king of mali is so rich he’s going on tour to let everyone know. “wow, that guy’s rich,” everyone said. the christians are doing a great job of conquering iberia which will soon be called spain and not spain. please remain christian. we will check in later to see if you are still christian when you least expect. whoops, half of europe just died. ming. china’s back, yay. hey khmer, time to share, new kingdoms here and there. oh look who controls all the islands, its the mahajapit. majahapit, mapajahit, mahapajit, mapajahit, majapahit? oh, italy’s really rich, time for them to care a lot about art and the ancient classics. it’s kinda like a rebirth. here’s a printer, lets make books. so you think you can conquer the byzantine empire? “yep,” said the ottoman turks. nice job, ottoman turks. whoops, you missed a spot; don’t forget to ban europe from the indian spice trade. “what? that’s bullshit,” said portugal, spiceless. well i guess we’ll have to find another way to india. “wait,” said christopher colombus, probably smoking crack, “if the world is round, lets go this way to india!” “nah, don’t worry we already got this,” said portugal. so chris goes to spain. “hey spain, wanna hire me to go find india by going around back of the world?”  “no.”  “please?”  “no.”  “please?”  “no.” “please?” “ok.” so he sails into the ocean, and discovers more ocean, and then discovers ‘the indies’ and ‘japan’. let’s draw a line to decide who gets which half of the world. the aztec and inca empires are off to a great start. i wonder if they know that europe just discovered their continent. the habsburgs are marrying into so many royal families they might have to start marrying each other. move over lithuania, here comes moscow. ivan wants to make russia great again. move over timurids, maybe go invade india or something. persia just made persia persian again. let’s make it the other kind of islam, the one where we thought the first guy should’ve been the other guy. hey christians, do you sin? now you can buy your way out of hell. “that’s bullshit, this whole thing is bullshit, that’s a scam, fuck the church, here’s 95 reasons why,” said martin luther, in his book which might have accidentally started the protestant reformation. “you know what would be magnificent?” said suleiman, wearing an onion hat, “what if the ottoman empire was really big, which it is now.”  “what if russia was big,” said ivan, trying not to be terrible. portugal had a dream that they controlled the entire indian ocean, including the spice trade, and then that dream was real. and spain realised that this is not india, but they pillaged it anyway. “damn,” said england and france, “we gotta start pillaging some stuff.” then the dutch revolt and all the hipsters move to amsterdam. “damn,” said amsterdam, “we gotta start pillaging some stuff.” question one: can you get to india through north america? no, but at least there’s beaver. question two: steal the spice trade. that’s not a question but the dutch did it anyway. sugar. guess where all the sugar’s made? in brazil. stolen! in the carribean, and it’s so goddamn profitable you might forget to not do slavery. the next thing on russia’s to-do list is to get bigger. britain and france are having a friendly discussion about who should control the entire world, more specifically, ohio. then it escalates into a seven year discussion, giving prussia a chance to show austria who’s boss. but what about britain and france, did they figure out who’s boss? yes they did, it’s britain. guess who’s broke? also britain. so they start taxing the hell out of america.

“fuck you,” says america, declaring their independence, and fighting for it. france helps them win, now france is broke. and britain will have to send their prisoners to a different continent. wait if france is broke, why do the king and queen still wear such fancy dresses? “let’s overthrow the palace and cut all their heads off!” said robespierre, cutting everybody’s head off until someone eventually got mad and cut his head off. you could make a reli- no don’t. haiti is starting to like the idea of a revolution, especially the slaves, who free themselves by killing their masters. “why didn’t we think of this before?” wait, who’s in charge of france now? “me,” said napoleon, trying to take over europe. luckily, they banished him to an island. but he came back. luckily, they banished him to another island. there goes latin america, becoming independent in the latin america wars of independence. britain just figured out how to turn steam into power, so now they can make many different types of machines and factories with machines in them so they can make a lot of products real fast. then they invent some trains, and conquer india and maybe put some trains there. “hey china,” said britain, “buy stuff from us.” “nah, dude we already got everything,” says china. so britain tried to get them addicted to opium, which worked actually, but then china made it illegal and dumped it all into the sea. so britain threw a hissy-fit and made them open up five cities and give them an island. britain and russia are playing a game where they try to stop each other from conquering afganistan. also the sultan of oman lives in zanzibar now, that’s just where he lives. india had a revolution, and they would like to govern themselves now. “nope,” said britain, governing them even harder than before. technology is about to go crazy. the united states finally figured out whether slavery is good or bad. “it’s bad,” they decided. and then they continued manifesting their destiny, which is to kill the rest of the natives and take their land, and maybe kick out the mexicans too. “i know, let’s rape africa,” said europe, scrambling to see who could rape it the fastest. they never got ethiopia.  britain and france are still hungry. they never got thailand. the united states ran out of destiny to manifest, so they’re looking for more. hawaii. cuba. wait spain controls cuba. “well, blame something on them and go to war! what should we blame on them? let’s blame the maine on spain!” so they blame the maine on spain. now we’re in business. to celebrate, they kick panama out of panama and make a canal, connecting the two oceans. britain just found oil in the middle east. it makes cars go. china is so tired of being bossed around that they delete their old government and make a new stronger government, which is accidentally weaker and controlled by a guy from the previous government. europe hasn’t had a war since the last war, so they start world war one. look at those guns. it’s gonna be a great war, so great we won’t need a second one. after it’s over, they blame germany. russia went on strike and the workers overthrew the government. now everyone’s paycheck is the same. communism, in the soviet union. the arabs revolt, and britain helps. now the ottoman empire is gone, so we can give the jewish people a place to live. hopefully the arabs won’t mind. “let’s cut the cake,” said sykes and picot, carving up the remains of the not-so-ottoman-anymore empire. except turkey, turkey makes a brand new turkey. and then the saudis conquer arabia. it just seemed like the right thing to do. hello? yes, it’s the 1920s calling. let’s get in a car and drive to a party and listen to the jazz on the radio and go to the movies. the economy’s great and it’ll probably be great forever. just kidding. germany’s back, featuring hitler, the angry mustache model. he’s mad at the jews for existing. japan is finally conquering the east, and they’re so excited they rape nanking way too hard. they should probably just deny it. hitler’s out of control, so the international community tackles him and tries to explain to him why killing all the jews is a bad idea, but he kills himself before they could explain it to him. that’s world war two. bonus round: pacific showdown, united states versus japan. fight! finish him. let’s unite all the nations and have some world peace. seems legit. “hi i’m gandhi and if britain doesn’t get the hell out of india i’m going to starve myself in public. wow, that worked?” bonus: now there’s pakistan. actually two pakistans. one of them can be bangladesh later. the jews and the arabs finally figured out which one of them should live in the holy land. “me”, they both said at the same time. “let’s divide up the land so everyone’s happy.” sike! they both get angrier. look out china, there’s a new china in china. what’s on the menu? communism! “no thanks,” said the other china, escaping to an island. i wonder which one is the real china. there’s the korean war, korea versus korea, nobody wins, then it’s on pause forever. let’s meet the sponsors. oh, it’s the two global superpowers. they’re having a friendly debate over which economic system is good and which is an evil virus of satan. and they both have atom bombs. fight! wait no that would be the end of the world. let’s just keep it cool and spy on each other instead. and make sure we have enough atom bombs. “i’ll race you to space. now let’s make some more countries fight themselves.” europe is tired of pillaging other continents, so the continents they were pillaging are tired of being pillaged. so here’s a new map, with new countries. now you can’t tell who they’re being pillaged by. the united states finally decided whether racism is good or bad. they decided it’s bad, and the world agrees. south africa might need another minute to think about it. let’s check the world population. woah. okay. technology’s better too, that might keep happening. the soviet union decides to relax a little and accidentally falls apart. europe makes a union, so now they can all use the same money; except britain because they don’t feel like it. let’s check the mail. surprise! it’s on the computer! whoops, someone just attacked america, i bet they’ll remember that. phone call, surprise, it’s in your pocket! wanna learn everything? surprise, it’s on the computer! now your phone’s a computer, which is in your pocket. whoops, the economy just crashed. don’t worry, the big banks won’t fail, because they’re not supposed to. surprise, flying robots! with bombs. wanna print a brain? some people have no friends. some people have no food. the globe is warming, and the ocean is full of plastic. “let’s save the planet,” said everybody, not knowing how. “let’s invent a thing inventor,” said the thing inventor inventor, after being invented by a thing inventor. that’s pretty cool. by the way, where the hell are we?

Iconic™ Kaz Brekker Moments

-’Kaz was just glad he used the damn door.”

-“You can put him in a coffeepot for all I care.”

-”Even worse, if I fail, I don’t get paid.”

-”You might actually have had to uncurl that lip and treat me with something closer to respect.”

-Ripping Oomen’s eyeball out and shoving his handkerchief in the socket.

-”I’ll just hire Matthias’ ghost to kick your ghost’s ass.”

-”Hold the book up so we don’t have to look at your ugly face.” (Kaz, be nice to Jesper)

-Nina: “And I can tell you’ve never given enough thought to your haircut.”

Kaz: *runs a self-conscious hand through his hair*

(only Nina. Only Nina can make Kaz in to a seventeen year old, concerned about his haircut)

-”Jacob fucking Hertzoon”

-Talking tree jokes??????

-Matthias: “We go from aspirant to novice drüskelle in the ceremony at the sacred ash.”

Kaz: “Where the tree talks to you.”

-Kaz: “The Dregs need a better initiation (I’m over here wondering what the Dregs’ initiation is)”

Matthias: This is only one part of Hringkälla.”

Kaz: “Yes, I know, then the tree tells you the secret handshake.”

-”Of course you don’t [like speculation]. You like things you can see. Like piles of snow and benevolent tree gods.”

-Or you were dead wrong about Matthias and you’re going to pay for all those talking tree jokes

-’They blew up the lab. I definitely did not tell them to blow up the lab.’

Behold the one and only @thatsthat24 aka Thomas Sanders!
(Sorry for my english its my third language)
(And im not good as speeches and expressing my feelings so forgive me)
You’re a wonderful person and a precious cinnamon roll that must be protected at all costs,,
I have to say, Thomas, you are a very important and you are appreciated around here, and don’t ever stop doing the things you do! You have contributed a large part in helping me accept who i am and gain just a little bit more confidence in myself, and i believe it’s the same for the others as well!
Thank you Thomas, for helping me and everybody, and i wish you the best and be happy always!

psychic: reads my mind
me: hi, you’re on a rock floating in space. pretty cool, huh? some of it’s water. fuck it. actually, most of it’s water. i can’t even get from here to there without buying a boat. it’s sad. i’m sad. i miss you.
HOW DID THIS HAPPEN?
a long time ago… actually, never. and also now. nothing is nowhere. when? never. makes sense, right? like i said, it didn’t happen. nothing was never anywhere. that’s why it’s been everywhere. it’s been so “everywhere,” you don’t need a “where.” you don’t even need a “when.” that’s how “every” it gets.
forget this. i wanna be something. go somewhere. do something. i want things to change. i want to invent time and space. and i know it’s possible because everything is here, and it probably already happened. i just don’t know when to start.
and that’s exactly where it started.
big bang— pause
woah. i paused it. i think there’s a universe now. what’s it made of? quarks and stuff. ah, that’s a thing! in a place! don’t like it? try a new place, at a different Time™. try to stick together, because the world is gonna get bigger and emptier. but it’s not empty yet! it’s still very full, and about a kjghpillion degrees.
about no seconds later
great news! the quarks are now happily married in groups of three, called a “proton” and a “neutron.” and there’s something else flying around that wants to join in, but can’t cause it’s too HOT.
ten minutes later
great news! the protons and neutrons are now happily married to each other! some of them even doubled up.
about 380,000 years later
great news! the electrons have now joined in. congratulations! the world is now… a bunch of gas in space. but it’s getting closer together…
ten million years later
and it’s getting closer together…
500 million years later
and it’s getting closer togeth—
star is born
it’s a star
new shit just got made!
some stars burn out and die. bigger stars burn out and die with passion! and make some brand new way crazier shit.
space dust!
which allows for newer and more interesting stars to be made, and then die and explode into even crazier space dust!
so now, stars have cool stuff around them, like rocks, ice, and funny clouds, which can make some very interesting things. like this ball of flaming rocks, for example.
meteor hits earth
holy shit, we just got hit by another ball of flaming rocks. and it kind of… made a mess. which is now the moon
weather update: it’s raining rocks from outer space.
weather update: those rocks might’ve had water inside of them and now there’s hot steam in the sky.
weather update: cooler temperatures today and the floor is no longer lava.
weather update… it’s raining.
severe flooding alert, the entire world is now an ocean.
volcano alert.
that’s land!
there'slifeintheocean
what?
something’s alive in the ocean
oh, cool. like a plant, or an animal? no! a microscopic speck. it lives in the bottom of the ocean and eats chemical soup, which is being served hot and fresh, made from gnarly space ingredients left over from when it was raining rocks or whatever.
microscopic speck asexually reproduces
oh yeah, and it can do that.
reproduces three more times
it has secret instructions written inside itself telling it how to build another one of itself. so that’s pretty nifty, i would say.
tired of living at the bottom of the ocean?
now you can eat sunlight!
using a revolutionary technique, you can convert sunlight into food.
taste the sun!
side effect, now there’s oxygen everywhere and the sky is blue.
then the earth might’ve been a snowball for a while. maybe even a couple of times.
it’s a sponge… it’s a plant… it’s a worm, and some other types of weird strange water bugs and strange fish.
it’s the Cambrian explosion: “wow, that’s animals and stuff”
but we’re still in the ocean. hey, can we go on land?
NO
why?
the sun is a deadly laser
oh okay.
not anymore, there’s a blanket
now the animals can go on land. come on, animals, let’s go on land!
“nope, can’t walk yet.”
“and there’s no food yet, so i don’t care.”
100 million years later
okay, will you learn to walk if there’s plants up here?
“maybe,” said some bugs. and fish.
fish gasps for air
five million years later
okay, so i can go on land, but i have to go back in the water to have babies!
idea: learn to use an egg.
“i was already doing that”
use a stronger egg. put water in it. have a baby, on land, in an egg. water is in the egg. baby, in the egg, in the water, in the egg.
works for me. bye bye ocean
50 million years later
and now everything’s huge. including bugs.
wanna see a map of the land? sure.
Permian extinction
oh, fuck, now everything’s dead.
just kidding, here are the survivors. keep your eye on this one, because it’s about to become
75 million years later
the dinosaurs.
here’s another map of the land. yeah, it broke apart. don’t worry about it, it does that all the time. here comes a meteor.
meteor strikes
and the dinosaurs are gone
it’s mammal time, here come the mammals. look at those breasts.
now they’re gonna dominate the world, but one of them just learned how to grab stuff. and walk. no, like, walk like that. and grab stuff at the same time. and bang rocks together to make pointed rocks.
“ouch”
and set things on fire.
“yeouch”
and make crazy sounds with their voice:
“gneurshk”
which can mean different things.
that’s a human person!
and now they’re everywhere. almost.
ice age!
what? you can walk over here? cool.
not anymore
well i guess we’re stuck here now.
let’s review: there’s people on the planet. and they’re chasing their food.
fuck it. time to plant some grass.
look at this. i get to control the food now. now everyone will want to be my friend and live near me. let’s all build houses, except mine is bigger because i own the food.
this is great! i wonder if anyone else is doing this.
tired of using rocks for everything? use metal. it’s underground.
better farming was just invented in a sweet dank valley right in between these two rivers, and the animals are helping.
guess what happens next?
more food. and more people, who came to buy the food. now you need people to help make the food and keep track of the sales. and now you need houses for people to live in and people to make the houses and now there’s more people and they invent things which makes things better and more people come and there’s more farming and more people to make more things for more people and now there’s business, money, writing, laws, power,
Society
coming soon to a dank river valley near you.
meanwhile, out in the middle of nowhere, the horse is probably being tamed.
why is all my metal so lame and lumpy?
tired of using lame, sad metal? introducing: bronze. made from special ingredient tin from the far lands of Tin Land. i dunno, my dealer won’t tell me where he gets it. also, guess what?
egypt
meanwhile, out in the middle of nowhere, they figured out how to put wheels on a horse. now we’re getting somewhere. also,
china
and did i mention
indus river valley civilization
society count: 5

norte chico
the middle east is getting more complicated. maybe because it’s in the middle of the east.
knock knock, er, clop clop. it’s the… people with the horses? and they made an empire. and then everyone else copied their horses.
greeks!
ah look, it must be the greeks! er, a beta version of the greeks.
let’s check in with the indus river valley civilization: they’re gone. guess who’s not gone? china.
new arrivals from india… maybe it’s those horse people i was talking about… or their cousins or something…
and they wrote some hymns and mantras and stuff…
you could make a religion out of this.
there’s the bronze age collapse.
now the phoenicians can get down to business
also, can we switch to a metal that’s a little easier to find? thanks.
look who came back to israel, it’s the twelve tribes of israel.
and they believe in God
just one though, and he’s got like a ten-step program.
here’s some huge heads. must be the olmecs.
the phoenicians make some colonies. the greeks copy their idea and make some colonies. the phoenicians made a colony so big it makes colonies.
here comes the assyrian empire. never mind, it’s the babyloni— media—
it’s the Persian Empire: “wow, that’s big”
enlightenment
ah, the buddha was just enlightened. who’s the buddha? this guy, who sat under a tree for so long that he figured out how to ignore the fact that we’re all dying. you could make a religion out of this.
oops, china just broke. but while it was breaking, confucius was figuring out how to have good morals.
enlightenment
ah, the greeks just had the idea of thinking about stuff.
and right over here, alexander just had the idea of conquering the entire persian empire. it’s a great idea. he was… great. and now he’s dead. hopefully, the rest of the gang will be able to share the empire evenly between them.
knock knock, it’s chandragupta. he says “get the hell out of here. will you get the hell out of here if i give you 500 elephants? okay, thanks, bye”
time to conquer all of india
er
most of india
but what about this part? that’s the tamil kings. no one conquers the tamil kings. who are the tamil kings? merchants, probably. and they’ve gotspices!
who would like to buy the spices? “me!” said the arabians, swiftly buying it and selling it to the rest of the world.
hey, china put itself back together again, with good morals as their main philosophy. actually, they have three main philosophies:
confucianism: have good morals
taoism: go with the flow
legalism: fuck you, obey the law
out here, the horse nomads run wild and free, and they would like to ransack your city.
nomads ransack china
let’s check the greekification levels of the greekified kingdoms: greekification overload.bye, said the parthians. bye, said the jews. hi, said the parthians, taking over the entire place.
heyyyyy, said the romans, eating the entire mediterranean for breakfast. “thanks for invading our homeland,” said the jews, who were starting to get tired of people invading their homeland.
“hi, everything’s great,” said some guy who seems to be getting very popular and is then arrested and killed for being too popular, which actually makes him more popular. you could make a religion out of this.
want silk? now you can buy it from china. they just made a brand new road to the world.
conquers vietnam
or you can get there on water
“sick! new trade routes!” said india, accidentally spreading their religion to the entire southeast.
hmm, that’s a good place for an epic trading kingdom.
there goes buddhism, travelling up the silk road. i wonder if it’ll reach china before it collapses again.
remember the persian empire? yep, said the persians, making a new one.
axum is getting so powerful, they would like to build a long stick.
has anyone populated madagascar yet? let’s do it together.
china is whole again…
…then it broke again
still can’t cross the sahara desert? try camels.
“hell yeah! now we’ve got business,” said the ghana empire, selling lots of gold. and slaves.
“hi, i’m a member of the roman empire, and i was wondering
is loving jesus legal yet?”
“no”
“actually, okay sure,” said constantine, moving the capital way over here to be closer to his main rival. don’t worry about rome, it won’t fall.
it’s the golden age of india
there’s the gupta empire, not chandragupta, just gupta. first name chandra. the first.
guess who’s in rome? barbarians. what’s a barbarian? “non-romans,” said the romans, being invaded by non-romans. r.i.p. roman empire. actually just half of it, the other half is just fine, but it’s not in rome anymore, so let’s give it a new name.
the mayans have figured out the stars
oh, and here’s a huge city, population: everyone.
the göktürks have taken over the entire eurasian steppe. great job, göktürks.
how’s india? broken. how’s china? back together.
how’s those trading kingdoms? bigger, and there’s more of them.
korea has three kingdoms. japan has a kingdom, it’s the sunrise kingdom.
intermission
deep in the arabian desert, on the top of a mountain, the real god whispers in muhammad’s ear. so, he goes down to the cube where everyone worships gods and he tells them their gods are all fake. and everyone got so mad at him that he had to leave town and go to a different town. you could make a religion out of this, and maybe conquer the world as well.
the roman empire is long gone, but somehow the pope is still the pope. plus, there’s new kingdoms all over europe. i wonder if there’s room for moors.
here’s all the wisdom. in a house. it’s the baghdad house of wisdom! just in time for the islamic golden age!
“let’s bring stuff to the coast and sell it, and become the swahili on the swahili coast,” said the swahili on the swahili coast.
remember this tiny space you have to go through to get from here to there? someone owns that now.
wanna get enlightened in the middle of nowhere?
the franks have the biggest kingdom in europe, and the pope is so proud that he invites the king over for christmas. “surprise! you’re the new roman emporer!” said the pope, pretending to still be part of the roman empire. then the franks broke their kingdom into what will later be called france and not-france.
the northerners, er, just “norse” if you don’t have much time, are exploring. they go north, from the north to the northern north. and they find some land— two types of land!— and they name them accordingly.
prankd
they also invade some other places and get called many names, such as “vikings.”
there’s the rus! the kievan rus! are they vikings? “i don’t think so,” said the kievan rus. okay, fair enough.
the pope is ready to make some more emperors of the roman empire. the holy roman empire! it’s actually germany, but don’t worry about it. new kingdoms—
CRISTIANIZE ALL THE KINGDOMS!!
which brand would you like?
“mine’s better”
“mine’s better”
“mine’s better”
“time to conquer england,” said william.
it’s a bird! it’s a plane! it’s the seljuk turks!
“aah!” said the byzantine empire, who’s getting so small and almost doesn’t exist anymore. “we need help!” they need help! so they call the pope.
“hey pope, can you help us get rid of the seljuks? maybe take back the holy land on the way? come on, i know you want to take back the holy land.”
“yes, i do actually want to do that. let’s do a crusade.”
crusade!
they did many crusades. some of which almost didn’t fail. but at least the italians got some sweet trade deals.
goodbye mayans. hello toltecs! goodbye toltecs. hello mississippi! look at those mounds.
there’s the pueblo. i always wondered how to build a town in a cliff.
guess who’s here? khmer. where? here! and pagan is there. vietnam unconquered itself, korea just became itself, and japan is so addicted to art that the military might have to take over the government.
china just invented bombs, and typing. and the mongols just invaded most of the universe. nice going, genghis! i bet that will last a long time.
some of the islamic turks were unaffected by the mongol invasions because they were busy invading india.
is it tonga time? i think it’s tonga time.
i just figured out where the swahili gets all of their gold.
look at this chad! it means “lake.” there’s an empire there! right in the middle of africa!
the king of mali is so rich, he’s going on tour to let everyone know. “wow, that guy’s rich,” everyone said.
the christians are doing a great job reconquering iberia, which will soon be called spain and not-spain. please remain christian. we will check in later to see if you’re still christian when you least expect.
whoops, half of europe just died.
ming! china’s back, yay!
hey, khmer. time to share. new kingdoms, here and there.
oh, look who controls all of the islands. it’s the mahajapit.
majahapit.
mapajahit.
mahapajit.
mapajahit.
ma-ja-pa-hit?
oh, italy’s real rich. time for them to care a lot about art and the ancient classics. it’s kinda like a rebirth.
here’s a printer. let’s make books!
so you think you can conquer the byzantine empire? yep, said the ottoman turks. nice job, ottoman turks. oops, you missed a spot. don’t forget to ban europe from the indian spice trade.
“what? that’s bullshit,” said portugal, spiceless.
“well i guess we’ll have to find another way to india”
“wait!” said christopher columbus, probably smoking crack. “if the world is round, let’s go this way to india.”
“nah, don’t worry, we already got this,” said portugal.
so chris goes to spain. “hey spain, wanna hire me to find india by going around back of the world?”
“no”
“please?”
“no”
“please?”
“wtf”
“no”
“please?”
“…okay”
so he sails into the ocean, and discovers… more ocean. and then discovers the indies, and japan! let’s draw a line to decide who gets which half of the world.
the aztec and the inca empires are off to a great start. i wonder if they know that europe just discovered their continent.
the hapsburgs are marrying into so many royal families, they might have to start marrying each other.
move over, lithuania, here comes moscow. ivan wants to make russia great again.
move over, timurids, maybe go invade india or something. persia just made persia persian again.
let’s make it the other kind of islam. the one where we thought the first guy should’ve been the other guy.
hey, christians! do you sin? now you can buy your way out of hell!
“that’s bullshit. this whole thing is bullshit. that’s a scam. fuck the church. here’s 95 reasons why,” said martin luther, in his new book which might have accidentally started the protestant reformation.
“you know what would be magnificent?” said suleiman wearing an onion hat. “what if the ottoman empire was… really big?” which it is now.
“what if russia was big?” said ivan, trying not to be terrible.
portugal had a dream that they controlled the entire indian ocean, including the spice trade. and then that dream was real.
and spain realized that this is not india, but they pillaged it anyway. “damn,” said england and france. “we gotta start pillaging some stuff.” then the dutch revolt, and all the hipsters moved to amsterdam. “damn,” said amsterdam. “we gotta start pillaging some stuff.”
question one: can you get to india from north america? no, but at least there’s beaver.
question two: steal the spice trade. that’s not a question, but the dutch did it anyway.
and sugar… guess where all of the sugar is made? in brazil! stolen! in the caribbean! and it’s so goddamn profitable, you might forget to not do slavery.
the next thing on russia’s to-do list is to get bigger.
britain and france are having a friendly discussion about who should control the entire world. more specifically, ohio. then it escalates into a seven-year discussion, giving prussia a chance to show austria who’s boss. but what about britain and france, did they figure out who’s boss? yes they did! it’s britain.
guess who’s broke? also britain! so they start taxing the hell out of america. “fuck you!” says america, declaring their independence and fighting for it, and france helps them win. now france is broke, and britain will have to send their prisoners to a different continent.
wait, if france is broke, why do the king and queen still wear such fancy dresses?
“let’s overthrow the palace and cut all their heads off!” said robespierre, cutting everybody’s heads off until someone eventually got mad and cut his head off.
you could make a rel— no, don’t.
haiti is starting to like the idea of a revolution, especially the slaves, who free themselves by killing their masters. “why didn’t we think of this before?”
wait, who’s in charge of france now? “me,” said napoleon, trying to take over europe. luckily, they banished him to an island. but he came back!luckily, they banished him to another island.
there goes latin america, becoming independent in the latin american wars of independence.
britain just figured out how to turn steam into power, so now they can make many different types of machines and factories with machines in them so they can make a lot of products real fast. then they invent some trains. and conquer india and maybe put some trains there.
“hey, china!” said britain. “buy stuff from us!” “nah, dude, we already got everything,” says china. so britain tried to get them addicted to opium, which worked, actually. but then china made it illegal and dumped it all into the sea. so britain threw a hissy fit and made them open up five cities and give them an island.
britain and russia are playing a game where they try to stop the other person from conquering afghanistan.
also, the sultan of oman lives in zanzibar now:“that’s just where he lives.”
india just had a revolution, and they would like to govern themselves now. “nope,” said britain, governing them even harder than before.
incoming telegram: HI I JUST SENT YOU A MESSAGE THRU A WIRE
technology is about to go crazy!
the united states finally figured out whether slavery is good or bad. it’s bad, they decided, and then they continued manifesting their destiny, which is to kill the rest of the natives and take their land and maybe kick out the mexicans too.
“i know! let’s rape africa!” said europe, scrambling to see who could rape it the fastest. they never got ethiopia…
britain and france are still hungry. they never got thailand…
the united states ran out of destiny to manifest, so they’re looking for more:
hawaii!
cuba!
wait, spain controls cuba.
well, blame something on them and go to war! what should we blame on spain?
u.s.s. maine sinks
“let’s blame the maine on spain.”
so they blame the maine on spain.
now we’re in business.
to celebrate, they kick panama out of panama and make a canal, connecting the two oceans.
britain just found oil in the middle east. it makes cars go…
china is so tired of being bossed around that they delete their old government and make a new, stronger government, which is accidentally weaker and is controlled by a guy from the previous government.
europe hasn’t had a war since the last war, so they start world war one. look at those guns! it’s gonna be a great war, so great we won’t need a second one. after it’s over, they blame germany.
russia went on strike, and the workers overthrew the government. now, everyone’s paycheck is the same. communism in the soviet union…
the arabs revolt and britain helps. now the ottoman empire is gone, so we can give the jewish people a place to live. hopefully the arabs won’t mind.
“let’s cut the cake!” said sykes and picot, carving up the remains of the not-so-ottoman-anymore-empire.
except turkey! turkey makes a brand new turkey!
and then the saudis conquer arabia. it just seemed like the right thing to do.
phone rings
hello? yes, it’s the 1920’s calling. let’s get to a car and drive to a party and listen to jazz on the radio and go to the movies. the economy is great and it will probably be great forever. just kidding.
germany’s back, featuring hitler, the angry mustache model, and he’s mad at the jews for existing.
japan is finally conquering the east, and they’re so excited, they rape nanking way too hard. they should probably just deny it.
hitler’s out of control, so the international community tackles him and tries to explain to him why killing all of the jews is a bad idea. but he kills himself because they could explain it to him. that’s world war two!
bonus round! pacific showdown
united states vs. japan
FIGHT!!
united states drops two extinction balls on japan
FINISH HIM!
let’s unite all the nations and have some world peace! seems legit.
“hi, im gandhi, and if britain doesn’t get the hell out of india, i’m going to starve myself in public.”
britain leaves
“wow, that worked?”
bonus! now there’s pakistan. actually two pakistans, one of them can be bangladesh later.
the jews and the arabs finally figured out which one of them should live in the holy land. “me!” they both said at the same time. let’s divide up the lands so we’re both happy. SIKE! they both get angrier!
look out, china! there’s a new china in china. what’s on the menu? communism! no thanks, said the other china, escaping to an island. i wonder which one is the real china…?
there’s the korean war. korea versus korea! nobody wins, then its on pause forever.
let’s meet the sponsors. oh, it’s the two global superpowers. they’re having a friendly debate over which economic system is good and which one is an evil virus of satan. and they both have atom bombs. FIGHT!! wait, no, that would be the end of the world. let’s just keep it cool and spy on each other instead. and make sure we have enough atom bombs.
“i’ll race you to space.”
united states plants a flag on the moon
now let’s make more countries fight themselves.
europe is tired of pillaging other continents, and the continents they were pillaging are tired of being pillaged. so here’s a new map with new countries. now you can’t tell who they’re being pillaged by.
the united states finally decided whether racism is good or bad. they decided it’s bad, and the world agrees. south africa might need another minute to think about it.
let’s check the world population!
woah. okay.
technology is better too, that might keep happening.
the soviet union decides to relax a little, and accidentally falls apart.
europe makes a union, so now they can all use the same money. except britain, because they don’t feel like it.
let’s check the mail… surprise! it’s on the computer!
whoops, someone just attacked america. i bet they’ll remember that.
phone call! surprise! it’s in your pocket! wanna learn everything? surprise! it’s on the computer! now your phone’s a computer, which is in your pocket!
whoops, the economy just crashed. don’t worry, the big banks won’t fail, because they’re not supposed to.
surprise!… flying robots. with bombs.
wanna print a brain?
some people have no friends. some people have no food. the globe is warming, and the ocean is full of plastic!
“let’s save the planet!” said everybody, not knowing how.
“let’s invent a thing inventor,” said the thing inventor inventor after being invented by a thing inventor. that’s pretty cool.
by the way, where the hell are we?
thanks for watching history
i hope i mentioned everything
psychic: what the fuck

aquiver | 03 (m)

aquiver (adj.) [uh-kwiv-er] in a state of trepidation or vibrant agitation; trembling; quivering

pairing: min yoongi x reader
genre/warnings: mature themes, talk of masturbation, smut, language, some type of fluff
words: 10,909
summary: Yoongi can’t remember the last time he was able to successfully bring himself to the point of orgasm, then Namjoon gives him a business card advertising ‘Healing Hands’, and that’s where he meets you; pretty and innocent looking, who gets paid to provide hand jobs for a living…
note. inspired by the novella ‘The Grownup’ by Gillian Flynn, literally just the character’s past occupation haha

» playlist | 01 | 02 | 03 |

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2

first official Critical Role art, here we go!

if you aren’t following my personal blog, you probably don’t know that I’ve been mildly obsessing over watching this show since may 2016 (and have been “almost caught up” since like december, but they keep airing new episodes). it just took me this long to post art of it because headcanons are hard, man :0 these are still subject to change, and I may have forgotten some canon details, but it felt good to be able to do some art again!

2

“You are a disgrace! An absolute disgrace! I cannot believe you let your daughter see you in this condition, Theodore. She was so worried about you! I wish I could say that I’m surprised right now, but honest to god the only thing that surprises me about this is that you’re not in here with some peroxide blonde tramp!”

Theodore rolls his eyes, wincing as his sister-in-law’s shrill screams penetrate his throbbing skull. “Is she still here?” he mumbles, glancing over at the pink haired doll lying crumpled on the floor beside him.

Arabella scowls at him. “Yes. I had planned to take her and Hazel to school early this morning, but she insisted that I come up here to check on you first.”

He nods, and pulling himself up off the ground Theodore silently breezes past Bella and strides down the hallway toward his daughter and her cousin.

“Lila Grace,” Theo forces himself to smile through the piercing pain in his temples. “Go change out of your uniform, sweetheart. You’re not going to school today.”

“What?” the child frowns. “Why not?”

“Because I’m taking the entire day off work so you and I can spend some long overdue father-daughter time together.”

“What?!” three distinct voices reverberate around the corridor.

“No school! No school!” Lila Grace sings over and over again as she dances around her dad’s legs.

“Do I have to go to school, Mom?” Hazel whines.

“Theodore, I really don’t think that’s such a good idea,” Bella hisses, ignoring her daughter’s repeated tugs on the sleeve of her shirt.

“I just have one quick errand to run this morning, Gracie, but after that I promise I am yours for the rest of day. Does that sound like a plan?”

“Yes!” she exclaims. “I love you so much, Dad!”

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